jacobs_brie

Gillian Jacobs walked in the door and dumped her bag on a chair. She couldn’t believe what had happened at work today! She kicked off her shoes and took off her socks, the sweet relief of the disappearance of this minor repression seeming to rush all the way up to her brain in an instant. Already, she felt better. She walked to the kitchen where she found her longtime girlfriend, Allison Brie, sitting at the island, poking away at a laptop. Gillian opened the fridge and found a cold beer, popped it open and leaned back against the refrigerator door. She let out a long sigh of relief. “You’re not going to believe what happened to me at work today,” she said.

“Oh yeah?” Allison Brie didn’t look up from her computer.

Gillian stared at her for a moment and took another sip of her beer. Then she continued. “This guy stole my Yoplait from the mini-fridge even though it had my name on it. And when I confronted him about it he said that he just assumed no one wanted it and I was like why would someone put their name on it if they didn’t want it but it didn’t matter because he’d already finished it but it was like, I was really counting on that Yoplait in the afternoon, you know?”

“Yeah,” Allison Brie said.

Gillian Jacobs gave her the finger. Allison Brie didn’t notice.

“Seriously?” Gillian snapped. “Hey!” Allison Brie continued to stare blankly at the computer screen in front of her. Gillian Jacobs walked over and slammed the laptop shut.

“What the hell?!” Allison Brie shot daggers.

“I just got home from a long day at work and all I want is to have five minutes to decompress and unwind with my girlfriend but you can’t be bothered? What was so important on the computer that you couldn’t listen to my story?”

“OK, well, first of all, I was looking at a Tumblr that is all pictures of dogs wearing sunglasses. And second of all, I heard your story. It was about yogurt and it was boring.”

“What’s for dinner?”

“I don’t know. What do you want?”

“I thought we could figure it out together.”

“We are figuring it out together.”

The whole time all of this is happening, by the way, both women are wearing sexy lingerie.

“You know, it would be nice if we could not fight about SOMETHING for once,” Gillian Jacobs said.

“I’m not the one who is fighting. You are the one who came in here and started yelling at me and slamming laptops shut. Did you offer me a beer? Did you ask about my day?”

Gillian felt a small pang of shame.

“OK, that’s fair. I’m sorry. Would you like a beer?”

“No.”

“How was your day?”

“Fine.”

Gillian Jacobs clenched and unclenched her fist. Allison Brie opened up her laptop.

***

Allison Brie brushed a loose strand of hair from her eyes, revealing a severely furrowed brow. Gillian Jacobs was staring at her own feet. The two of them were at opposite ends of the couch. In the background, some television show that neither of them was particularly interested in, but which seemed to be the only thing they could agree on, played softly. A barely touched meal of leftover Chinese food grew cold on the coffee table. It had been almost half an hour since a word had been spoken. Finally, unable to take it anymore, Allison grabbed an old New Yorker from the floor and threw it at Allison.

“What was that for?”

“I don’t know. Pay attention to me.”

“Yes, dear.”

Gillian Jacobs began to massage Allison Brie’s feet.

“Ouch.”

“Sorry.”

There was an advertisement on television for some kind of cream.

***

Gillian Jacobs didn’t say anything. As far as she was concerned, if you tried looking for a better parking spot you ended up spending just as much time driving in circles around the lot as it would take to get out of the car and walk, but Allison always insisted on trying to find something as near to the doors as possible. Whatever. Gillian had long ago learned to pick her battles and this was not one of them. She did, however, keep her eye on the clock and noticed that they spent six minutes driving around, with Allison getting visibly frustrated and muttering things at other cars under her breath. Even when they did find a spot, the woman leaving was having trouble getting out, or maybe her car just didn’t have a tight enough turning radius, but it took her a little longer, and Allison banged on the steering wheel. “LET’S GO, YOU FUCKING CUNT!”

“Allie, relax,” Gillian said.

“You relax,” Allison said, then seemed to instantly regret it. Not that she apologized. “People shouldn’t be allowed to have driver’s licenses if they can’t even get in and out of a goddamned parking spot.”

“Well, there, she’s out. Can she have her license back, officer?”

“I’m just saying.”

It was crowded at Bed Bath and Beyond. Gillian just wanted to get in, buy the new coffee maker, and get out, but Allison insisted on doing the whole tour just in case there was something they needed for the house that they weren’t thinking of. Like what, Gillian had started to ask, but then she’d just dropped it. If Allison wanted to buy a new set of sheets or some guest towels for the upstairs bathroom, what did it hurt? But after an hour of this, Gillian was at the breaking point. She didn’t say anything, but Allison could see it in her face.

“Hey,” Allison said, “let’s get out of here.”

“You sure?” Gillian asked. “We haven’t even looked at window treatments yet.”

“Haha very funny. Come on, let’s go. We can stop at Barnes and Noble on the way home and see if the new magazines are in.”

Gillian Jacobs did love to stop at Barnes and Noble on the way home and see if the new magazines are in.

“Oh,” Allison added, “and I was thinking sushi for dinner.”

Gillian Jacobs looked at Allison Brie. She was smiling. She was beautiful. Gillian Jacobs smiled back. They held hands in the Bed, Bath and Beyond checkout line and whispered jokes to each other about other customer’s odd purchases. They groped and made out with each other in their lingerie and rubbed whipped cream on each other’s nipples and stuck their thumbs in their underpants. Later Gillian would almost smash her phone to pieces when Allison told her that she wasn’t going to make it to the gallery opening that she’d promised a month ago she would go to, and Allison would roll on her side in bed and present Gillian with her seething back when Gillian said one night that she didn’t care what entertainment console they got for the living room which was not about an entertainment console but just about being committed towards building a life together in every way. But for now, on this Sunday afternoon, in their panties, everything was just right.

Comments (42)
  1. Speaking of the over-sexualisation of actresses who should be credited with their acting work over their looks…

  2. I’m gonna go ahead and pretend that you didn’t just Blue Valentine the hottest thing ever.

    • As much as I would marry Gillian and Allison I would also marry Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling, I hope you guys like Salt Lake City, that’s the only place we can do this at

  3. Dear Gabe,

    *slow clap*

    Love,
    Martha

    • Responding to myself is lame, but:

      I was really mad at the photo shoot from an LGBT perspective because faux lesbianism to impress men is gross, gross, gross (although not mad from a boners perspective since I am a hypocrite). But this defused any of my high horsing and grandstanding.

      • I know this won’t be read since it’s almost a year later, but…

        I am also grossed out by the photo shoot and the unjustified situation of Allison and Gillian being only in their lingerie in a Bed Bath & Beyond. If we isolate these two things, and take them out, we have a loving, but frustrated relationship of two women trying to be happy with each other. If we only have the pictures, the lingerie (in the house, too, but ESPECIALLY in the Bed, Bath, and Beyond) makes them look like they’re crazy, nymphomaniacs, or something else happened from before to bring them to that situation, but nothing in the story justifies it. Like that short story by John Updike, where you get to the end, and you’re like “Why were the women in bathing suits in the first place?”

        Still, apart from that, the other details of the story make me believe that a relationship between Gillian and Allison is believable and tangible, even if not possible, so kudos to that. :)

  4. What kind of coffee maker did they get? (I’m in the market)

  5. You know, I love this. I would buy this novelization. Now, I cannot actually say why I respond well to this when I was frankly irritated by the actual photo shoot, but so it goes.

  6. I know that the comments section isn’t the place for this, but as this is a particularly personal subject for me, Alison Brie only has one L. Because, as everyone knows, one-L’d Alisons have the better boobs.

    • Also, I am totally the Alison Brie of this relationship, which brings it even closer to home. Not that I actually want to BE Alison Brie, I’m just saying that the similarities between us are becoming more and more apparent every day, and I can only assume that we’ll get more alike until one of us (I’m not sure which one) gets a bunch of plastic surgery to look just like the other one and maybe just shows up on the set of Community and makes out with Donald Glover. I’m not saying that I would do that to Alison Brie. I mean, she could get a lot of plastic surgery to look like me and then go on the set of Community and make out with Donald Glover. That is just as likely a scenario.

  7. Whoa, Gabe, stop spying on my marriage.

  8. This is just like Revolutionary Road!

    • No I hate you monsterbeard, I repressed the memories of that movie, now I will cry forever thanks to you
      I don’t really hate you, but so sad, so sad

  9. I think you forgot that Huckabeast showed up later on and then things got pretty crazy.

  10. more like ‘cum’munity amirite!?

  11. Ok, I’ll accept that Gillian Jacobs wore sexy lingerie to work (because if I looked like her I would too) but I draw the line at wearing socks with lingerie, that’s just tacky. I call shenanigans.

    • What if they were some like fancy lacy numbers with garters and stuff and her shoes were some 9″ Lucite stripper heels?

    • I don’t think respectable establishments like Pizza Hut are going to be happy about their wardrobe choices.

    • She’s not going to put bare feet into sneakers, ah-doy! Probably she has work shoes that match her lingerie, heels or some such, but those aren’t really comfortable. So like many ladies, she takes those off at the end of the day (probably stores them under her desk, it’s just convenient) and goes home in comfortable sneakers.

  12. Eagerly awaiting the sequel: Donald Glover and Danny Pudi Are In A Commited Bro-mance.

  13. This YCMIU makes me feel lonely.

  14. This is great as it is on paper (screen?), but Gabe, you really should submit this as a a script of a short for gay marriage rights. Sort of like this, but a a little more something for the dudes out there? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOzWAxJtybc

    I am pretty definitely sure all of the gay people everywhere ever would be allowed to marry if this was made into a viral video. That is how laws work, right?

  15. Gabe, this was really good/funny. The last sentence is super.

  16. is it weird that i find this so adorable?

  17. Dude, this is the best one yet!

  18. Yeah. I loved this.

  19. http://www.benzlogo.com/

    I tide fashion Good-looking, not expensive Free transport

  20. Should have been a Home Depot, not a BB&B. Rare lesbian stereotyping miss, Gabe.

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