communion

This morning, I was awoken at 5:45AM by my dog (her name is Birdie!) scratching in her kennel and whining. This is very unusual because usually she does not wake me up at any time with this kind of behavior, much less a ridiculous and unhuman time. Girl loves to sleep! In fact, I am usually the one dragging her out of bed for a morning walk. What she never seems to understand is that there is no reason to give me the stink eye because I TOTALLY GET IT. You and me both, dog sister. Anyway, I let her out and she bolted to the front door, so I took her outside for a walk, but after about half a block she was just being weird and not doing anything and I was getting annoyed because I had a one way ticket to DREAMLAND burning a hole in my pocket. So we went back home, but she didn’t seem to want to go inside and when I tried to put her back in her kennel she really didn’t want to go, which again was odd because usually she loves to go in there. It is her wilderness cave! I tried to go back to sleep but this time there was barking! She never barks! And just unhappiness. What was up with this dog?! I let her out again and she bolted to the front door again and back outside we went and this time after a few steps we solved the dilemma. The solution: diarrhea! She’s doing fine now, she is sleeping right next to my feet as I type this, and we haven’t had any more solutions all day. The point of this story is that it’s not an easy life, even for dogs, who have pretty nice lives for the most part. But sometimes you’re lying in a sunbeam and sometimes that sunbeam is hidden behind storm clouds. Storm clouds filled with poop. What I’m saying is, enjoy those warm naps whenever you can. Tomorrow you might wake up at 5:45.

For example, if you want to be part of an intensely creepy religious ceremony that involves lots of weird giggling and cellphone photo taking and a Christian figurehead who looks like he is the creepy old guy in the back corner of a college basement rock show, then you should do that! If it makes you happy do it! Hopefully it makes you as happy as it makes me terrified.

Stay close, you guys. DO NOT GET SEPARATED FROM THE GROUP. We really need a buddy system around here if we are going to make it. (Via DangerousMinds.)

Comments (34)
  1. So was this like the dog equivalent of waking up in the middle of the night desperately needing to go to the bathroom with what I assume labor pains feel like? Because we’ve all done that and know what I’m talking about, right?

  2. Dr. Moreau, the human/hyena/orangutan hybrid you created is a total nightmare, abort abort

  3. I misread this and thought that the title was “Communion with John Chowder” and I spent the entire video waiting for someone to break out some Oyster Crackers*.

    *Psst. Hey you. Yeah you. I’m gonna be honest here. I have NO clue what this comment is supposed to mean. It’s been an extremely long week and I just needed to type something while the boss was next to my desk. By the way, did you get your haircut? It looks nice. Compliments your face. OK. Split before this gets weird.

  4. CathLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLicism

  5. This shit is creepy as hell!

  6. Dog diarrhea story time!

    A similar thing happened to me just the other day. I had to wake up at 3:30 AM for work, and my girl pup was sleeping in the bed with me. She started crying around 2:45 AM which is weird b/c she never barks or cries. I tried to ignore her b/c I was so sleepy. Next thing I know, she barfed on the pillow next to me and then my husband took her out and BOOM goes the dynamite in her proverbial puppy pants. Poor girl.

    Anyway, celebrity blog dogs are just like my dog!

  7. And thus, Jesus said to his disciples, “Why so serious?” and then he did laugh.

  8. This is too weird.

  9. Any good guesses as to what is actually happening here? I was raised in Protestant churches and am accustomed to awkward/ icky things happening at religious events, but I really have no idea what the maniacal laughter is all about here.

    • it’s basically speaking in tongues. a lot of sects think that actually trying to mimic words when speaking like that is blasphemous or something because since those ancient languages were destroyed after the tower of babel, you cannot hear god’s messages because no one can understand it. so they laugh instead.

      things i know from living in the south! yeah!

    • Whatever it is, it’s definitely what Jesus wanted us to be doing. I’m pretty sure the bible says so.

  10. i hope these people have a big, strong indian that has a chance at saving them before it’s too late.

  11. i googled just to check- and HAHA this dude is not a southerner. the egg’s on your face, california! y’all got a lotta weirdos out there, daaaaang.

    (sidenote. he’s from the south, but his church is based in santa cruz, so i guess we have to share the blame.)

  12. Wha? Is someone telling hilarious jokes very quietly that we are not able to hear??

  13. This isn’t a communion. It’s clearly the National Weird Laugh Society’s Annual Wine and Bread Fundraiser.

  14. This guy “found Jesus” while on an acid trip and his whole ministry thing is based on modern mysticism.

    So yeah. That’s why they’re laughing. I pity all you fools who didn’t grow up in a church where getting drunk in the Spirit was a regular thing. Fun, right? Fun and scary, all at the same time. Like a roller coaster.

  15. You know what makes me that happy? Cheese from a can.

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  17. Gold dust and other supernatural phenomena now appear in some of my meetings.
    –from John Crowder’s testimony thingy (here: http://www.thenewmystics.com/Articles/1000041072/Home_Page_of/About_Us/John_and_Lily/Johns_Story.aspx)

    Gold dust!

  18. You think there is at least one person there thinking ‘Wtf am i doing here?’ or are they all just into it? ‘Cause i would be scared out of my mind.

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