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EEEEEEK! EEEEEEK! By now, it should come as no surprise that we live in a weird and terrifying world that is spinning desperately off of its axis and the only thing that can save us now is BRUCE WILLIS. (Something something Armageddon.) Today we all take a bit of a knock that sends the whole thing wobbling just a little bit more. Maybe only half an inch, but half an inch could be the difference between where we were yesterday and The End. From the DailyBeast:
The network will announce shortly that Smart will be a contributor to Good Morning America and could also appear on such programs as Nightline. With the Casey Anthony story still going strong, she could be on the air next week.
OK. Sure! Congratulations to Elizabeth Smart on landing a powerful media job and putting the past behind her. Certainly she will be a normal journalist added to a team of journalists reporting and offering thoughtful analysis on any number of news stories. Right?
“This is definitely not about looking backward and telling her story, which has been well told and retold,” ABC spokeswoman Julie Townsend said after I contacted the network. Instead, she said, Smart’s role will be “helping viewers understand missing-persons stories from the perspective of knowing what a family experiences when a loved one goes missing.”
Townsend said Smart will appear “when there are missing children or missing-person cases in the news.”
GROSSSSSSSSS! You remember Elizabeth Smart, right? She was that little girl who was stolen from her home in 2002 and spent more than nine months living with those two weirdos in the woods or whatever? That was awful! I don’t know about you, but I don’t think any children should be stolen from their homes by strangers for ANY REASON! But you know what else is gross? Hiring Elizabeth Smart to come on television when other children have been stolen and just say stuff about it. So gross. I’m sure Elizabeth Smart is doing this willingly and that ABC News has not KIDNAPPED HER for this job, but it was very weird of them to ask in the first place. Yuck. SAVE US, BRUCE WILLIS WITH THE HELP OF BEN AFFLECK!
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It’s really no different than when Jon-Benet Ramsey’s dad started getting all those shows where he yells at chefs.
I thought the Ramseys were behind Toddlers and Tiaras.
SMART HIRE DUMB MOVE — NY Post
Amazing. However, I don’t think the Post would be clever enough to come up with such a great headline or aware of common human decency to call out a fellow media outlet for something so crass and weird.
I demand to know what ABC isn’t telling us.
Do they have some kind of advance warning that there is going to be a rash of missing persons stories? So many, in fact, that they need a special correspondent just for those stories? Is network news so unprofitable that they’re going to resort to kidnapping to drive up viewership and raise money through a combination of advertising and ransom?
I don’t know for sure, but I feel comfortable saying “probably”.
To be fair, Elizabeth Smart is kind of awesome.
We all have our moments.
Whenever I think about Elizabeth Smart I think about Dave Chapelle’s awesome stand-up about her from Killing Them Softly.
SAVE US AEROSMITH!
Has anyone seen Beth Holloway’s show on Lifetime?
Oh jeez. Now that’s a sad case. Rich white girl’s mom milking sensationalist fears and perpetuating other rich white girls’ parents’ endless anxiety about sex trades and missing persons reports.
the show is literally her just talking to other parents about their missing children, and they’re advertising it as her being an expert on the subject and helping them through it. FUCKIN LIFETIME.
I would like to think they offered this to Jaycee Dugard first, but she turned it down.
Speaking of, this should be a VG Everywhere mission – buy a copy of Jaycee’s memoir, A Stolen Life, when it comes out on July 12th, because holy shit, that woman deserves whatever money/goodwill we can send her way.
wait. so. in order to get a fancy job, i just have to get kidnapped for a bit? i wish someone woulda told me this BEFORE i took out all those loans for grad school.
I want you to go back to that moment when you were forced into taking out those loans for grad school, southernbitch. What were you feeling in that moment? I bet you just wanted to cry out. And you were just a little girl. You were probably very scared. What are you feeling right now as we talk about that experience? It’s important that you speak out to other victims.
this is like that time NBC had that “we caught you being creepy with a hidden camera!” show hosted by that guy who was caught being creepy on hidden camera.
ATTN: Good Morning America
Too Whom It May Concern,
I am interested in a position with your esteemed television programme, as your resident Pasta Correspondent. I am certainly qualified in helping viewers understand pasta-related stories from the perspective of knowing what a family experiences when a loved one eats and/or makes pasta. We could also possibly call it “Correspastadent”. I trust my references from my Nonna, and also all my Zias, will provide you with sufficient proof that, while not looking backwards at my life, I can be trusted to report on all Pasta and possibly Tomato Sauce related news in the future. I am also fluent in mozzarella related accessories
I hope to hear from you soon,
Rara Internetzzo
guineagreasemozarellaface@wop.com
Elizabeth Smart is rockin the Cindy McCain look.
leaning into Calista Gingrich territory…
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