Public urination is a thing that makes me very grossed out and, simultaneously, kind of jealous. I would like to be able to discreetly urinate anywhere. That would make life slightly easier, and don’t we all want a slightly easier life? Ladies? Gentlemen who’d rather not go number one in public, no matter what? Though when I see anyone doing it (which is rarely, maybe contrary to how this is making it seem so far) I’m the first to tell them that that is so gross and I can’t believe you’re just going to pee HERE. In the world. With everything all around you! Life is hard and feelings about public urination are hard to keep straight. Not for this guy, though! Haha. Yes, in this video a man from Hoxten, England who is tired of people urinating on his apartment building and the buildings surrounding it films outside of his window for an hour. He catches a surprising amount of public urinators being very gross and shouts that they’re “on YouTube,” which was a lie at that moment, I doubt he was streaming* the video live to YouTube, but in any case:

“Ur-eye-nul.” Did you catch how he pronounced urinal? Hahah. That’s not how we pronounce it here. Anyway, yes, this is upsetting. In a story about this issue in the Hackney Gazette (you all subscribe to it on your eReaders probably?), an executive member for environment on Islington Council (sure) said:

We have recently met with licensing and police and I will be asking our staff – and the authorities in Hackney – to do everything in our power to sort out this problem.”

And also:

A Hackney Council spokeswoman added that they are aware of the issue and places three portable urinals near Hoxton Square area at the weekends to try and tackle it.

But, I don’t know, I think this problem could be easily solved in one of a few different ways. First, turn the entire city into a toilet. Then they can just pee anywhere and it would be appropriate. Here’s another: Outlaw liquids, then they’d have to urinate a lot less or would at least have to go to another town to do it. Here’s another: Electrify a few walls and a few spots on the ground so you never know what’s electrified and you never know where is safe to pee, so you either take your chances (and if you don’t get electrocuted, that’s fine, you deserve to pee) or you just go to a normal bathroom, or you die. These are just right off the top of my head right now. Oh here’s another: Get a bunch of creepy guys to just stand around and say creepy things to the people peeing. Or make it so it’s never nighttime. Or stigmatize urination and teach all the kids that they should be very ashamed of it and after a while it’ll just work itself out. I can’t STOP thinking of ways to solve this problem. (Via Reddit.)

Comments (14)
  1. No taxation without public urination! @revolution

    • I was watching fireworks yesterday and after a particularly big run (hehe) a guy behind me screams, “No taxation without representation!” A few seconds later he said discreetly to his friend, “That’s how this all started.” Best Fourth Ever.

  2. I fail to see a problem. — Hackney Councilman Hugh Jackman


  4. True story: my brother almost got arrested in Montreal for peeing on a bike after his bachelor party. The police kept asking him how he would like it if it were his bike someone were peeing on, two which my brother drunkenly replied, “Well… I’d probably be pretty pissed…” and to which I drunkenly replied, “He doesn’t even have a bike!”

  5. If public urination is outlawed, only outlaws will urinate in public.

  6. Turn all sidewalks into public pools, and then they get urine indicator dye all around them. So embarrassing! England 2012 would be that scene in Adam Sandler’s magnum opus Grown Ups, but with British accents.

  7. Cool, I’m going to take this opportunity to tell the grossest story that ever assaulted my ears, because it haunts me and I need to share to the burden. Fair warning. Okay, my husband (army) gets rotated to meat watching duty sometimes on urinalysis days, and one time he came home and told me that not one, but two separate dudes claim they are unable to urinate unless they are defecating (why am I talking like this?) at the same time. Yuck #1: pee patrol of the day has to stand in the stall with them. Barf #2: you’re not allowed to remove your right hand from a cup until it’s been turned in, or set it down on anything, so it’s physically impossible to be hygienic. Dry heave #3: they then have to give that cup to a lab person who definitely doesn’t earn enough paycheck for that, and finally. Shudder of revulsion #4: ever since I’ve heard this tale, I can’t stop my brain from trying to figure out how this is even biologically possible. How is that possible? Wouldn’t they get severely dehydrated? Is it just an awful scam to make switching samples easier? Ugh! Happy Tuesday, everyone.

  8. You want worse? I’ve got NSFWorse for you right here:

    The really horrible stuff is not on the first page. Go back a few months for the real horrible.

  9. Whatever, it’s not like they went in the building, knocked loudly on his door and then peed on it when he didn’t answer. #whyidonotmisscollege

  10. This reminds me of that Broadway musical “Urinetown”. If you’ve never heard of it, I’m not kidding. There was such a thing. Did anyone (besides myself) see it?

  11. The other day, in broad daylight, a man started urinating on my street corner. I was behind him. I wanted to say “What the fuck is your problem?” but I was so disturbed that I just said “What the fuck?” and I don’t think he knew I was referring to the fact that he was pissing on the sidewalk on the corner in the middle of the day.

  12. How has this thread gone so long without and ur-eye-nul/lorry jokes?
    You guys are slippin.

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