When Two and a Half Men returns in the fall (how many days are left, can you check your tear-off calendar?), the season will open with the news of the death of Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper. From TMZ:

Sources connected with the show tell TMZ Chuck Lorre’s plan is to make sure Charlie Sheen can NEVER come back on the show. Although the first show won’t be filmed until August 5, producers have been kicking around scenarios, which include Charlie driving a car over a cliff.

First of all, NEVER? In all caps? Give me a break. He can definitely always come back on the show. “‘Hey, I thought you were dead?’ ‘No, I was just…busy.’ [Hot woman enters the room.] [Laughter.] [Thunderous applause.]” But since we’re being told that we live in a world where normal rules apply to terrible TV shows, let’s have some You Can Make It Up + Best New Party Game fun and kill off Charlie Harper in each of our own wonderful ways. I’ll go first:

Charlie Harper enters a convenience store to booming laughter and thunderous applause. He scopes out the place before meandering up to the counter. “Hey, boss,” he says to the convenience store clerk, his words followed by booming laughter and thunderous applause. He leans on the counter. “Where can I get a couple of…,” he nods and winks and the clerk and his actions are followed by booming laughter and thunderous applause. The clerk is visibly confused — he’s not sure exactly what Charlie Harper means. “You know,” says Charlie, “Where can I get a couple’a…” and he makes the hand motions that mean “You know? You get it?” Booming laughter, thunderous applause. But the clerk doesn’t get it and is becoming agitated. “Sir, I don’t know what you’re asking for,” he says in some kind of accent as he triggers the silent alarm that he has under the counter, also triggering hesitant laughter and a smattering of applause. “I’m going to have to ask you to please leave my store now.” “Ahhh, come on man, you know what I’m saying here! You know?” Charlie asks, and then he makes a bunch of hand motions that don’t actually mean anything but are vaguely sexual while the booming laugher grows and thunderous applause reaches its highest volume. As he continues to make more and more elaborate hand gestures, the laugher and applause continue and the police rush into the convenience store and, mistaking his gestures for something that seems threatening, they shoot him and he dies. Booming laughter, thunderous applause.

Scene.

How do YOU want to kill Charlie Sheen’s fictional Two and a Half Men character, Charlie Harper?

Comments (90)
  1. How about driving his Porsche into a tree while drunk? Too soon?

  2. A tragic prostitution sting gone wrong.

  3. He’s shot to death by Kelly Preston.

  4. On yet another sunny afternoon in SoCal, Charlie Harper wakes up to an alarm reminding him he has a 3PM appointment with the man who tailors his beloved bowling shirts. On his way there, he loses control of his Mercedes-Benz and drives off a cliff. The End.

    • Whatever. It’s a picture of Dexter. I’m saying I’d love to watch Dexter make Charlie Sheen pay for his crimes with some Dexter-style justice. It’s a great joke.

      *everyone upvotes*
      *Monster’s Ball*
      *Editor’s Choice*
      *Published in New Yorker*
      *Marries Cakeordeath*
      *Moves into Daddy Warbucks-style Mansion*

  5. Charlie Sheen comes within a one mile radius of me, I hunt him down and then shoot his face. And then i said something along the lines of “1 man down. 1 and a half more to go” followed by a street riot of booming laughter and cheering. Chuck Lorre hears of my stunning wit and writes me a personalized Sitcom that goes on to make millions.

    Scene.

  6. A firefighter who survived 9/11 kills Charlie Sheen at a conspiracy rally.

    • Charlie Sheen watches the Broadway adaptation of his “meeting” with Barack Obama. His life is so perfect at this point – he can’t go on.

  7. Auto Erotic asphyxiation? It could be a blossom very special episode where lessons are learned (about not auto erotic asphyxiating)?

  8. Mauled by a tiger; bleeds to death in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip. No one stops to help him or even calls 911. After several days, road workers pick up his crow-ravaged remains with shovels, muttering “I’m not paid enough for this shit.” The show suddenly becomes about these three road workers and their lives:
    Thomas is a newlywed with a little baby girl, whom he adores. As the season progresses, the writers drop hints that the child may not be his. He must make a difficult choice to either leave his wife for her deception, or keep silent and raise this girl as his daughter.
    Ernesto is a first-generation Venezuelan immigrant who is a full citizen, but feels stigmatized by society because of his ethnicity and accent. He’s in love with one of the receptionists down at the office, a lower-middle-class white girl. Their love story is sweet, but tinged with class-consciousness on both sides and tensions from her parents.
    David is a child who is paid half wages. Get it? [Thunderous applause]

  9. Massive heart attack while sitting on his solid-gold toilet. #swag

  10. An autistic kid traps him inside a snowglobe. The snow is cocaine. Obviously.

  11. Under the crushing weight of his own hubris.*

    I await all of your upvotes, America’s college graduates.

  12. chokes on dicks

    I don’t know, I can’t seem to bring myself to expend any more energy than that thinking about Charlie Sheen.

  13. Tracy Morgan stabs him to death for fucking his son

  14. Bear attack. Definitely bear attack.

  15. Charlie Harper was never real. His lewd hand gestures? His misogynistic behavior? His bowling shirts? All a mass hallucination caused by the poor quality of California’s drinking water. When the pipes were finally cleaned up, everyone awoke from their 8 year long stopper and realized it had all been a horrible, unfunny nightmare.

    That or something to do with vampires, probably.

  16. Martin Sheen wakes up in a cold sweat. He looks at the calendar, October 2, 1970. Was it all a dream, he thinks to himself. Did I dream of the horrible, terrible future?

    He walks down the hall and cracks open the bedroom door. There he sees his little Carlos. 5-years-old. Sleeping peacefully. Did he have the capacity to turn into a coke-fulled nightmare? Did he have it in him to produce banal sitcoms for years and the audactiy to call it art?

    Martin looked upon his son as a voice, his voice?, whispered in his ear “You know what to do.” He picked up a pillow and advanced on the sleeping form of his son. The future demon.

    “You will remain innocent.” Martin cried silently.

    SCENE!

  17. Death by light-fruit.

  18. The scene opens to Charlie Harper sitting on a Southern California beach with his brother, Alan Harper, the both of them admiring a wonderful sunrise over the Pacific Ocean. “I have never seen a sunrise on the Pacific,” says Charlie. This subtle and clearly-unintended joke is missed by 100% of the show’s fans, and silence befalls the studio.

    “It’s beautiful, isn’t it, Charlie?” weeps Alan.

    “Alan, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry. I never thought you to be a cryer.” This second, also unintended joke is not understood by even more than 100% of the show’s fans.

    “I just farted, Charlie.”

    Charlie pauses while the uproarious laughter dies down.

    “Alan, I have some bad news. I killed a hooker. Well, I’ve killed two hundred and thirty five hookers, but this one was different. I got real, real drunk one night, broke into the Chinese consulate, and killed a girl in there. I thought she was a hooker, and I just lost control, you know how I get when I drink.”

    “Sure, Charlie, I know how you get when you drink. It’s the reason I have to sit on an inflatable donut everyday.” Alan winced, and the insinuation of butthole problems made the studio audience break out in a standing ovation. One audience member literally died from laughing.

    “Anyways, the Chinese government is after me.”

    “Charlie, you’re describing almost the exact plot to a season of 24.”

    “Dear God, you are right. This whole thing is a lie, and I have been fooling myself. How long have I been living in this dream state?”

    “I am certain you have never not been like this.”

    Charlie, high on lots of drugs, pulls out a gun and shoots himself. Alan and Jake, who is also there, whoops, forgot to include the half man in this scene, Alan and Jake take turns peeing on the body.

    “Dad, he’s going to be really easy to replace, isn’t he?”

    “He sure is, son.”

    [ Meeeeennnnnnnnn! ]

    Scene.

  19. how about they take a cue from that awful Robert Pattinson movie* where it isn’t revealed until the very end that they aren’t in fact in present day, but the recent past, and by “recent” past” they mean September 11th.

    that’d really fuck with Charlie “Truther ” Sheen.

    *that i haven’t seen. honest.

  20. Charlie Harper explodes.

    Scene.

  21. He drinks Jobu’s Rum?

  22. Charlie Harper goes swimming in his swimming pool. The ladder is deleted.

  23. Boredom…from watching an episode of “Two and a Half Men.”

    It’s so meta, DUUUUUUDE!

  24. “Charlie Harper’s plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.”

  25. It was a stormy night outside the Harper residence. Charlie, Alan, and Jake were sitting on the couch, not having much to say to one another. Across from them were several other recurring characters. Pick any of them, say 5. There are 8 people there, and who is there specifically is extremely unimportant, as usual. Charlie gets up to get another 48-pack of beer, and everyone follows him into the kitchen because he is the only part of the show the cameras follow.

    Once in the kitchen, the lights suddenly go out. There is a gunshot, a thud, several machine gun blasts, a chainsaw rev, and what sounds to be several different baseball bats hitting a human skull. When the lights come on, Charlie’s body is barely recognizable. Everyone is standing there with a stunned look on their face.

    “Who did it? Who killed Charlie??” yelled Alan.

    Right when it seems like they are going to do a Simsons-esque Clue-themed episode, everyone in the room raises their hands. “It was me,” they say in unison, “I killed that son of a bitch.”

    Suddenly, the sun shines in on the room, and flowers grow out of Charlie’s mutilated body. They all clasp hands and sing Kumbaya.

  26. The half man eats him to become a whole man finally.

  27. In an effort to gain super powers, Charlie Harper has a blood transfusion with a tiger. He dies moments after and the tiger urinates on him, marking it’s territory.

  28. Mountain climbing incident. After a fall, the three principal characters sway suspended from the line, but the anchor seems to be coming loose.

    Alan (desperate): “I’m sorry, Charlie but it’s only strong enough to support one and a half men! We have to cut you loose!”

    Charlie (deadpans): “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to work for me.”

    (cue laughter, applause)

    Alan cuts the line, Charlie falls to his death.

  29. As much as Charlie Sheen is probably a psychopath, I think it’s kind of cool that he really brought attention to the fact that he was getting paid a ridiculous amount of money for a truly horrible TV show.

    But as he is probably a psychopath… I’m going to not kill him and force him to spend eternity in a room with no doors or windows and only Kim Kardashian, Sarah Palin and Regis Philbin* to converse with for eternity.

    That’s right. I went to Sartre.

    *Possibly Michael Moore if only because listening to him argue with Palin for eternity sounds worse than a car ride off a cliff. And he’s just as much of a boner killer as Regis, which is important as we must ensure Charlie cannot try to engage Ms. Kardashian in sexy times.

  30. Scene-house interior-afternoon-door opens and Jack, Alan, Berta, and the mother walk into the house.
    Jack-”Man I hate funerals. They are so long and boring. I should have brought my gameboy.” -laughtrack
    Alan-”Hey you show some respect for your late uncle charlie.”
    Jack-”Well it wasn’t me who supplied him the Viagra”
    -laughtrack
    Alan-I don’t know why anyone would think that taking a whole bottle of that thing would be a good idea.
    Berta-”Well from what i know he was planing on a pretty busy night”
    Alan-”How so”
    Berta-”Well his death was called in by fifteen 21 year old’s.”
    -laughtrack
    Alan-” I guess you could say he died doing something he loved”
    Berta-”I would say it was more of an acquaintance.
    -laughtrack
    Alan-”Well at least he looked happy at the wake.”
    Berta-”You kidding me, I was surprised they could get the casket closed.”
    -laugtrack

    Alan-”Well, if you excuse me, I’d like to make another toast.(passes out glasses) Well, i know it’s sad, but these things happen and we just have to make due. It’s just a truth of life that you can never hold onto something forever, and all we can do is make the most of what we are given for this brief time we have it. We’ll never forget you uncle charlie. Here is to you”
    “to charlie” -drinks
    *silence
    Jack-”So can i play my gameboy now.”
    *alan rolls his eyes
    *laughtrack
    -MEEEEEEEEEEEENN

    *note Charlie will never be mentioned again.

  31. Mauled to death by a bengal tiger.

  32. A moon fell on him.

  33. killed by an Buckshot Roberts, during the Gunfight of Blazer’s Mills

  34. Entered a small portal leading into the mind of actor John Malkovich

  35. Goddammit. I wrote a great big synopsis of Charlie’s death, but Videogum glitched out and I lost all of it.

    Anyway. Basically it went like this- Charlie get s a call from a hot lady at a hotel. Charlie goes to the hotel and gets in the elevator. The elevator seizes up and all the emergency stuff is broken. Charlie climbs up and out of the elevator. The elevator begins to move, going up faster and faster and Charlie can’t stop it as he frantically sparks wires together and stuff. Then, at the top of the shaft, a big piece of jagged metal swings down. Charlie stares at it in horror and then gets stabbed in the face by it (just like what happened to his brother in Mission: Impossible).

  36. During surgery to separate him from Michael Vick and Rod Blagojevich, between whom he had been Human Centipeded.

  37. For my submission to the killing off Charlie Sheen contest, I made a picture in photoshop of Harvey Keitel’s terrifying nude scene from Bad Lieutenant with the Two and a Half Men logo over his genitalia. I don’t know if this counts or why it would if it did but here we are and here it is.

  38. Jake officially becomes a man when he loses his virginity. To keep the order of the universe and abide by the title of the show, Charlie is severed into two pieces (to show his dedication for his craft)

  39. goes into a corner store to buy some menthol cigarettes and gets shot in the head

  40. tragic “accident” on an episode of Punk’d

  41. This would be more fun if Charlie Sheen wasn’t going to actually die of drug overdose or suicide (or bees) in the next few months.

  42. Charlie Harper dies of AIDS

    • That’s what I was thinking too! I don’t know why you got downvoted for that, it’s plausible.

      Or maybe untreated syphilis that has gone to his brain.

    • Yeah, I was thinking something similar. Maybe it turns out he’d found out he had AIDS in the mid-90s, but continued to have unprotected sex with hundreds of women, most of whom are now infected. He goes to trial but is acquited (sex crimes don’t lead to jail time, silly), and one of the distraught victims shoots him outside of the courthouse. I need to stop watching SVU.

  43. Drives a flaming porsche into a volcano.

    No, wait!

    Uses so much cocaine that his bodily functions shut down, and he collapses in the middle of the street, slowly suffocating on his paralyzed lungs while wallowing in the filth of his voided bowels.

    At a distance, he sees a mother and her young son, happily going about their daily business, and his last thoughts are turned to a lifetime’s worth of agonized regret for being a fucking nightmare of a human being, and the sure knowledge that he was an utter and irrevocable waste of the miracle of human existence.

  44. Okay so Charchar is standing at the top of the stairs and he says, “Hey everyone I’m confused about the way the world works!” and then everybody laughs obvies. And then he trips on his way down the stairs and lands on that little chubby kid’s SHARP WIT and is cut in half and then the show is just called One man and Three Half-Men and also I Guess Another Man Will Be On It and Hopefully It Is Not Tyrion The Half-Man Because That Would Be Confusing. And it is a long name for show, but nobody really minds because it is just THAT GOOD.

  45. Two and a half tumors?

  46. I keep accidentally posting from my facebook account. WTF.

  47. http://www.benzlogo.com/

    I tide fashion Good-looking, not expensive Free transport

  48. Charlie looses his sex-drive so he throws himself off of a cliff in a drunken stuper as he yells “WINNING” the entire way down.

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