Woof. When Elizabethtown came out in the theaters I avoided it. I just knew that it was something I wouldn’t really enjoy. What I didn’t realize is that this movie isn’t just something that I wouldn’t enjoy, it’s actually painful to watch. Like, hospital pain. Last week a commenter pre-emptively likened this to Spanglish, claiming that it was simply a little bit tone deaf. Incorrect. This movie is so unbearable that it’s almost offensive. It’s condescending at the same time that it’s painfully stupid. Like George Bush. And you know what? The soundtrack isn’t even that good! It’s fine, but it’s like handing someone in Saw a band aid after they dug through their intestines for the key to the bear trap locked around their face. Fuck, this movie makes me reconsider Saw‘s place in the canon. (Just kidding, go to jail, Saw.)

Elizabethtown tells the story of Drew, Orlando Bloom, an up and coming SHOE DESIGNER who has just suffered a colossal failure with his latest design that has resulted in his immediate firing and scapegoating throughout the shoe design industry. Right when he’s about to kill himself, his sister calls with the news that his dad died in Kentucky and Drew needs to not kill himself and go to Kentucky and claim the body. On the way there he meets an airline stewardess played by Kirsten Dunst who gives him her phone number and the rest of the movie is Drew reconnecting with his father’s family in Kentucky and falling in love with Kirsten Dunst. It is one of the worst things I have ever seen.

When a movie attempts to tackle the human truths of our communal experience, love, death, family, adulthood, etc, it’s all about the details. The only way to humanize the retelling of these well tread subjects is to craft something so deeply personal and unique that it ends up embodying the whole. And it’s the details that make this entire thing such a disaster. It starts immediately with our introduction to Drew’s work as a SHOE DESIGNER and continues all the way up until Kirsten Dunst gives him a scrapbook-style “map” for his road trip home, complete with personalized mix CDs to guide his journey, which she supposedly made for him the night before he left?

Nope. Not to mention the fact that it’s never really explained why Drew’s dad was even in Kentucky in the first place, or why he would always go back to visit the extended family but neither Drew, his mother, nor his sister ever visited? And don’t even get me started on Susan Sarandon’s 10 minute long funeral speech AND TAP DANCING ROUTINE.

To give you a sense of the emotional heart of the entire movie, here’s a scene in which we’re shown what a great man Drew’s dad was and why his death deserves a whole movie:

Whoops, Drew’s dad was a Dockers commercial.

It doesn’t necessarily come as any surprise that director Cameron Crowe has no idea how the world works. Almost Famous was semi-biographical about his personal experience of becoming a Rolling Stone writer at the age of 9, or whatever, so naturally he would think that a multi-billion dollar corporation like Nike would just pin the entire disaster of a flawed product on the shoulders of one designer. Except they wouldn’t. Companies have long chains of beaurocratic control. I don’t know why I keep harping on the shoe thing since that was just one stupidly ridiculous detail in two hours of stupidly ridiculous details, but maybe the reason is because WHAT? But he doesn’t get lots of other stuff. Like when Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst both befriend a wedding party at the hotel to the point where the groom says “Drew, I missed you at the rehearsal dinner.” No you didn’t, you unrealistic depiction of a non-existent human being.

Crowe claims that the movie was about his own experience with the death of his father, which is the crudest defense of making something terrible. It pre-empts criticism with forced sympathy, but if he really loved his dad maybe he should have made a better movie about him, because this sucks.

Then there’s the whole Orlando Bloom problem, the problem being apparently this guy is the worst actor in the world. He was great as Legolas, and I would happily watch him slay all the orcs again in the future, but when it comes to talking to other human beings, he should stop it. The same goes for Kirsten Dunst. They didn’t have any chemistry together. Well, that’s not entirely true. They had a lot of chemistry, in the way that you can use your knowledge of chemistry to make POISON and use that POISON to MURDER people’s EYES. Here they are at the tail end of an insufferable all night phone conversation, which is how you know when two people are in love a boring cliche:

Ugh. The movie is just filled with shit like that. False wisdom and quirky speeches. I’m pretty sure I read that “who are ‘they’?” rant in a pothead’s high school diary. As the movie opens, Drew describes shoes as “what connects us to the Earth.” Where’s my gun? I need to connect it to my face. The worst.

This is in the LEAD everyone. This is the one to beat. It doesn’t get much worse than this, I hope.

Next week: Man of the Year. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (113)
  1. wow, really? In the lead? I saw this a few years ago, but honestly don’t remember much other than that pretty embarrassing moment with Susan Sarandon. And the eyeroll-inducing scene of Orlando Bloom dancing in the middle of a hiking trail. Maybe I blocked it out?

  2. Yes! In the lead! I feel so vindicated! Gabe = hammer of truth. Or bullet of justice. Or something.

  3. SAL  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +2

    I love you guys for this! How could Crowe go from making Say Anything and Almost Famous to this crap? It boggles the mind.

  4. sarcasticmeow  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 -14

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  5. Chadams  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +1

    I still think that Spanglish’s tone-deaf nature’s getting off easy. However, this prime example of the magic pixie girl (or whatever the exact term that The Onion’s A.V. Club coined) is a silent killer in that you go in expecting and pre-forgiving Crowe for his all-too-specific sentimentalisms and you get this suffocating magic pixie dream girl.

  6. CAliAlly  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +1

    Oh my god, GABE! I just screamed out with glee in the library where I’m supposed to be studying! That last video is the best!!!!!

  7. Devil’s Advocate FTW.

    But yes, Kirsten Dunst for Worst Acting by Teeth of All Time.

  8. Elena  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +2

    My feelings about this movie are basically my feelings about Orlando Bloom’s American accent in this movie. It is horrible, it’s the only thing I really remember, and so I assume the movie was pretty horrible too.

  9. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  10. I’m so happy Man Of The Year is coming. I have been waiting for this moment. But Gabe, Real Talk, you should try out Solaris. It is the most boring movie in the history of suck.

  11. How about The Day After Tomorrow. YOU CANT WALK 1023472934 FUCKING MILES IN 2 DAYS!!!11! AND YOU CANT RUN AWAY FROM FREEZING TEMPERATURES!!!!11!!!

  12. bree  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +6

    if we’re going for unbearable sap and gross chemistry, please do city of angels, starring nicholas cage and meg ryan. i think everyone has probably seen it, and everyone probably remembers how painfully gross it is.

  13. gabe, i want to personally thank you for realizing the awfulness of this movie. i regularly enjoy cameron crowe movies, in fact, almost famous was one of my favorites at one point. but elizabethtown was so bad it hurt me in the face.

    alec baldwin was the only good (o.k.) part about it.

    he tried to kill himself by duct taping a kitchen knife to an exercise machine? ugh.

  14. Jamie  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +6

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t My Morning Jacket in this? How could any movie featuring a performance of Free Bird by one of the best bands in America be the worst?

  15. the best part is gonna be next week, when you review ‘man of the year’, the least good movie of all time.

    elizabethtown is pretty awful, but i still think boondock saints is at least infinity times worse.

  16. bb  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 0

    Well played, sir! There is nothing that will ever come close to being this terrible. This is what happens when a long-out-of-touch old man watches Garden State and thinks he can reconnect to his youth by mimicking it. It’s like when your mom buys a Shins CD.

    I’ve been sort of a fan of pretty much everything Cameron Crowe made. I even tolerated Jerry Maguire. But this piece of shit is so embarrassing, I now have to hate all of his movies. That’s right: this movie is so bad I now hate Say Anything.

    I’d offer up Money Train as a contender for the column, but trust me, you will never beat Elizabethtown.

  17. Dan  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +2

    I love this movie. Hmph.

  18. In the LEAD!
    I sort of want to watch this movie again now. I couldn’t make it through the whole way the first time. I remember Kirsten Dunst’s character doesn’t behave like a normal human from the beginning.

  19. Adam  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +2

    I would like to lead the campaign for Cameron Crowe to win the inevitable sequel to WMOAT, Worst Director of All Time! Has any other director/screenwriter gotten by or as far on nostalgia-factor alone? Let’s look back at his amazing career:
    1) Fast Times – Not a good movie. Funny? Sure. But watch it again with an eye out for guys just being complete sexual predators and all of a sudden it becomes really weird. What’s left after that is just random Sean Penn getting high scenes.
    Makes you feel sappy for: The early 80′s.
    2) Say Anything – Not a good movie. So a dude got a pen in a breakup and held a stereo above his head. Watch it again with an eye out for the creepy daddy daughter storyline. What’s left over is just random Joan Cusack sister scenes.
    Makes you feel sappy for: The early 80′s.
    3) Singles – Not a good movie. Please just try to take Matt Dillon seriously here. Watch it again after some time with Reality Bites. What you’re left with is a half-decent soundtrack.
    Makes you feel sappy for: The early 90′s.
    4) Jerry Maguire – Not a good movie. Zellweger’s face makes we want to puke into the bucket that is this movie. Watch it again with Tom Cruise jumping on the couch on your mind. What you’re left with is Cuba Gooding Jr.’s campaign to keep his Oscar after Snow Dogs.
    Makes you feel sappy for: The late 90′s.
    5) Almost Famous – Not a good movie. So it got you to sing along to your favorite Elton John song and jerk off to Kate Hudson for the first time. Watch it again for any semblance of a coherent character evolution. What you’re left with is… oh yeah, singing along to Tiny Dancer.
    Makes you feel sappy for: The 70′s.
    6) Vanilla Sky – Not a good movie. Don’t watch this again for anything. It will make your eyes bleed and fall out of your head. Worst re-use of Penelope Cruz ever!
    Makes you feel sappy for: Nothing. Horrible future maybe?
    7) Elizabethtown – Not a good movie. See above.
    Makes you feel sappy for: The Apocalypse

    • bootsy  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 0

      Remember, Fast Times is just Crowe’s script (based on his non-fiction book about his spying on a high school [like Drew Barrymore's character in Never Been Kissed, but for true]), directed by Amy Heckerling, who is mostly awesome.

      Agreed that all other Crowe material is of Counting Crowes quality, tho.

    • I think Vanilla Sky deserves a nomination for the ending alone, in which it is presumed that the audience is painfully stupid and thus every bit of the “twist” is explained in boring detail. Twist ending are usually the worst, especially when a tech support guy is necessary for understanding what the fuck is going on.

      • “tech support! tech support! tecccccch supporrrrrrrt!” [And then Tom's head explodes.]

        • Trading Hands  |   Posted on Mar 9th, 2009 0

          Oh man, Vanilla Sky makes me want to wear a stupid mask all the time to hide my maybe-deformed-but-also-maybe-a-dream face but all it really does is make me stop thinking of Vanilla Sky by drilling nails into my flesh. Vanilla Sky is a MUST for WMOAT.

  20. Stanv  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 0

    A voice in the wilderness cries “SHOPGIRL”! So bad! So bad! So much of the badness of Elizabethtown and Spanglish and Sweet November (also so bad, btw) but oh so much worse! SO SO BAD! UGH!

  21. Wait, how can someone design a shoe that’s so horrible they get fired with such contempt and resentment? Did the shoe cause birth defects somehow? Was the shoe a live animal you were expected to nail to your foot? Because those are shoe ideas that no one would go for, probably. I guess I just don’t understand how of all things for Orlando Bloom’s character to fail at, the writer chose shoe design, and that the shoe industry always expects perfection from its designers.

  22. that last clip made me hope it’s true what my grandparents say – cell phones give you brain cancer.

    that’s what THEY say anyway.

  23. also the truck at the ending was fantastic. A+ gabe.

  24. Laura  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 +2

    A friend of mine made me watch this terrible movie by saying that he thought I would like it. Let me repeat: first he saw the movie and liked it. Then he made me watch it with him, expecting me to have a good time. I don’t think I have to tell you how weird and awkward things were between us after that.

    Also, I second City of Angels and would like to nominate Where the Heart Is starring Natalie Portman.

  25. sleepy  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 0

    i was skeptical that this truly deserved a “worst movie” nomination. then i watched the last clip and nearly barfed all over my keyboard. so yeah, based on that scene alone, i must concur with gabe that this is the worst movie he’s reviewed so far.

  26. Jake  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 +7

    This has to have been suggested already, but here we go: White Man’s Burden. John Travolta in a world where — get this — white people are black and black people are white. So like there’s scenes of black people in sweater vests eating brunch outside and saying “Well I love white people music and culture,” and white people live in ghettos and work as janitors. HAS YOUR MIND BEEN BLOWN YET? It’s like a mildly offensive SNL skit, except whoops they made a whole movie out of it.

  27. Smurf Face  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 +2

    Some nominees:

    Halloween III – While I doubt that the any of the cast could be regarded as A-list, the fact that it is a part of a successful franchise could offset that.

    The Happening – It makes Lady in the Water look lyrically beautiful.

    Rollerball (2002) – Ugh

  28. This blog makes my week. I felt so vindicated reading this last entry. I’ve argued with friends (read: not friends) whether Elizabethtown was a good movie. Thanks, internet.

    I would like to make the case that Day After Tomorrow should NOT be nominated. I couldn’t believe how bad it was the first time I watched it – but I found myself laughing and being entertained. I think it may fall into the ‘intentionally horrible’ category. I enjoyed its badness too much for it to be nominated. The wolves at the end? The tornadoes in LA? So much hilarity.

    I again nominate A Lot Like Love.

  29. After reading the comments on “Whatever doesn’t kill us almost kills us…” I would like to second the nomination for “Pay It Forward.” Helen Hunt is incapable of pulling off the semi-trashy-single-mom role. Nor can Bon Jovi pull off any role of any kind in any movie in any universe. Jay Mohr!?!?!?! THE ENDING! Haley Joel Osment dying (spoiler alert, whoops) should have no connection to “the movement” — its a amateur move to get the audience to feel an emotion (besides boredom, anger, and frustration) before leaving the theater.

  30. no movie is worse than havoc  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 +2

    If you can find a movie that is worse than Havoc, then I haven’t seen nearly as many horrible movies as I think I have.

  31. Havoc is beyond terrible  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 0

    “Totally… fuckin’… bored.” Yes, Havoc is beyond worst evs. But Joseph Gordon Levitt is amazing in it. (And by amazing I mean embarrassingly bad, but in a sort-of self-aware way.)

  32. carolineF  |   Posted on Nov 5th, 2008 +1

    I have to nominate “America’s Sweethearts” with Julia Roberts, John Cusack and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I saw it when I was fourteen (fourteeen year old girls LOVE the worst romantic comedies ever) and I still thought it was the worst movie I had ever seen. It features Julia Roberts in a fat suit.The description, via imdb:

    In the midst of a nasty public breakup of married movie stars, a studio publicist scrambles to put a cap on the escalating situation as the couple’s latest film has found it’s only print kidnapped by the director. Also, the starlet’s formerly fat sister is in love with her ex-husband.

  33. Annie  |   Posted on Nov 5th, 2008 0

    The Astronauts Wife.
    I’m just gonna keep putting it down, k?

  34. i don’t understand anything at all most people agree this film is not good at all, and orlando bloom is very, very bad at his job, but The Worst Movie Of All Time?
    The Worst?
    i don’t see how that is possible, when compared to something like Ultraviolet…

  35. there should obviously be a period between “at all” and “most people.”

  36. Gonna go again with Licence to Wed. Though one Robin Williams movie is enough. NO Robin Williams movies are enough.

  37. Deep Impact. Please.

  38. Cameron Crowe is a yuppy suck machine, full stop.

  39. thesystm  |   Posted on Nov 6th, 2008 0

    My mom and sister forced me to watch this with them or have tried to on several occasions and they always think I’m just too ADD to watch whenever I leave like 30 minutes in, thanks for the review…this movie BLOWS!

  40. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Speaking of flaming assholes…

    • For real? Were talking about movie reviews, which, I don’t remember anyone ever (not even AFI!) carving into stone, or legislating. If you think history is going to condemn Cameron Crowe because a guy on the internet hated one of his movies, you run the risk of outing yourself as a flaming overreaction. If you don’t understand that all film criticism is subjective, you run the risk (too late) of outing yourself as the worst.

      • While the subjective nature of criticism is inherently implied, most writers, the subject included, choose to write in a style that suggests they are arguing objective fact rather than personal opinion. In so doing they tell us far more about themselves than the films they discuss.

        True it is an obvious point, but you did seem to miss it.

    • Rich  |   Posted on Nov 7th, 2008 0

      LOLZ! Great satirical put-down of an officious, humourless douche… Assuming this post is intentionally a BIG JOKE: success!

  41. I don’t want to pretend to know what Gabe was thinking while watching this, but…. if I had to watch a “nominee” every Sunday night for however many months in a row, I’d probably hate Elizabethtown a lot more than if I hadn’t seen a bad movie recently.

    I think anyone that reads this blog understands Gabe’s humor and understands his affinity for hyperbole. Its extremely entertaining. We know this is just his opinion, not some academy or panel attempting to release some “official” list. I’d also like to say that I’m definitely in the “bigger they are, harder they fall” category, therefore, Elizabethtown is definitely worse than Domino.

  42. I wanted to like Elizabethtown, it had Loudon Wainwright, it was directed by Cameron Crowe (I still like Almost Famous and Say Anything …) and it was about music but then it just sucked ass. What’s the line about the difference between a disaster and that other thing that starts with a D?

  43. I know Titanic has been mentioned before – its seems like such an easy target (for ridicule and icebergs) but I remembered that it breaks my #1 rule of historical retellings (like Pearl Harbor, which to be fair [to the movie, and to my eyes], I never saw) which is this: when your movie has a story as big as this, don’t add a ridiculous fake love triangle subplot with guns and chases. UNNECESSARY. With the amount of actual documented drama-filled information you have at your disposal, it seems ludicrous to throw in Billy Zane and handcuffs. LUDICROUS.

    Oh, and Open Water in which [SPOILER ALERT] people are abandoned at sea and then they float for a minute and then they die. “Did you see that movie where a couple was left in the middle of the ocean?” “OMG, what happened?!!” “They died.” The end. I just saved you $10. When it came out, Dateline or whoever showed a few actual stories of people lost at sea where the person’s clothes were left onshore somewhere (uneaten by sharks), or there was speculation they faked their own deaths — any number (4) of things could have made that an actual story. Instead it was just a thing that happened, which is of course the thing that obviously would have happened. The making of that movie was more of a story than the actual movie. “Did you see the one where a guy shot you in the face?” No, because I got shot in the face. “Oh, right.”

  44. pnut  |   Posted on Nov 6th, 2008 -1

    i nominate MEET JOE BLACK

  45. Steve Sanders  |   Posted on Nov 8th, 2008 0

    I’m really surprised. It’s a bad movie. But it isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen by a long shot.

    Was a fun review though, even when I disagree I enjoy reading you bag the crap of movies!

  46. SilentSyren  |   Posted on Nov 12th, 2008 0

    I completely agree with you about Titanic. I saw this movie when it first came out and it inspired me to do some research on the actual ship. I was applled when I re-watched the film to see how much was “creatively” changed so that Jack and Rose could hook up. They would have never met let alone be allowed to breach the classes to interact. Ugh. Don’t get me started…

  47. hilary  |   Posted on Nov 30th, 2008 0

    Worst movie ever; completely agree. the next in line is still miles behind and that would probably be The Butterfly Effect 2. i have never hated kristen dunst as much as i do in this film. why does she talk like that? Like shes imitating Natalie Portman but with a giant butt plug up her ass. Orlando Blooms american accent is atrocious but not as bad as his acting. I know everyone thought Garden State was kind of lame, but this is just fucking pathetic. How did Cameron Crowe think this could pass as cinema, no scratch that, fluff even. how did Cameron Crowe think this could pass as anything other than a fucking waste of everyone’s money and the time of all the crew involved and why the fuck did Susan Sarandon agree to do this? not that shes great, but shes better than this. Cameron Crowe isnt that great and hes a LOT better than this. Kristen Dunst and Orlando Bloom really are that shitty though, so i guess they have an excuse. even rewatching these grotesquely awful scenes wasnt worth the laugh on how horrible they are.

  48. gaby  |   Posted on Dec 5th, 2008 0

    I am so glad you consider this in the lead. This movie was SO HORRIBLE AND TERRIBLE. My ebst friend dragged me to see it at theaters and it was just FAIL after FAIL after EPIC FAIL. It was boring; the plot was just bad, bizarre and lame…and both lead actors are horrible at…whatever they’re doing. Yuck.

  49. Jan  |   Posted on Dec 6th, 2008 0

    This is why I don’t pay any attention to movie critics etc. I loved the movie, I bought the sound track, I am listening to it now. Reading all the negative comments makes me like it that much more. It was for entertainment, nothing more, no deep meaningful messages. Ruckus rocks.

  50. Jan  |   Posted on Dec 6th, 2008 -2

    This is why I don’t pay any attention to movie critics etc. I loved the movie, I bought the sound track, I am listening to it now. Reading all the negative comments makes me like it that much more. It was for entertainment, nothing more, no deep meaningful messages. Ruckus rocks.

  51. Matador  |   Posted on Dec 12th, 2008 -2

    i thought we were talking about the worst movies of all time. in the realm of bad movies this isnt bad at all. please take a second and remember all the fast and the furious movies or stomp the yard or honey or save the last dance or anything directed by uwe boll and last but not least miami vice. i can see the fun in this though. some guys sitting around ragging on movies that are actually quite descent but just couldn’t quite understand them. so then they decided hey lets make a list of the movies of all time. High five bros. maybe thats why none of the movies mentioned above aren’t on here.

  52. i don’t understand why it’s the most awful movie of all time. the most awful movie of all time should be a movie that doesn’t make a person feel anything. this movie actually made me almost cry when Susan Sarandon does her tap dance with the reverbed guitars in the background. Am I retarded or did that touch anyone else the same way it touched me?

  53. I don’t really understand why this would be on your list of “worst movies of all time”. i can understand why you wouldn’t like it, but really? i mean, maybe i am lame i actually teared up at the part when Susan Sarandon does her tap dance on stage for the death of her husband. i thought that was actually really touching. and it’s not supposed to have some really deep plot or something. it is just supposed to be a warm easy watch. I can understand why you might not like it because it is so similar to Garden State. It’s basically Garden State Part 2. A son’s parent dies. He goes back home to Garden State or Elizabethtown and meets a girl and remembers that he is more than he thought he was (whether he is clinically ill or had a shoe fiasco). And in the whole movie, not much happens but clever dialogue and sentimental songs and moments that clearly mean a lot to either Zach Braff or Cameron Crowe. Or maybe you don’t like it because Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom seemed off. But just try watching the scene where Susan Sarandon is tap dancing and you might not hate this movie so much.

  54. Lest we forget Tom Waits is in Domino? Nuff said
    Almost Famous 4 eva

  55. Shara  |   Posted on Dec 17th, 2008 0

    Am I the ONLY person in the world who LIKES this movie? Then again, it really hit home at that particular time in my life.

  56. Cliff  |   Posted on Dec 22nd, 2008 -2

    no not at all, i think the people who wrote this article are insane. Crowe is a genius.

  57. t.n.gregory  |   Posted on Dec 29th, 2008 0

    um, i love elizabethtown. i’m a little baffled by this amount of vitriol. i could go on, but for this thread, just saying i love it seemed sufficient.

  58. rosegirl  |   Posted on Jan 1st, 2009 -2

    i like orlanda bloom in this movie cause i like how acts n how this movie become a love, romans, n everything else about this movie. i’ve seen it then i just like it :) soo i realy like this movie

  59. Its so strange that i should see this article today bc just the other day Elizabethtown was on tv and i saw like 3 minutes. Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst talking in a parking lot outside a hotel and i was blown away by the horror of the acting. I had no idea Bloom was sooo hideous, perhaps he should always play an elf. Man o man, i have no idea how anyone could sit threw more than 3 minutes bc after that my faith in humanity was completely shattered.

  60. Matt  |   Posted on Jan 9th, 2009 0

    I can’t believe you can mention pretentious Cameron Crowe movies and not mention Vanilla Sky. Talk about turds.

  61. ben  |   Posted on Jan 11th, 2009 0

    Oh! Anyone see K-PAX? It’s basically an entire movie of that phone conversation scene. It was Kevin Spacey at his whine/pretension climax. I saw a screening of it for free and it wasn’t worth the effort of opening the door to the theater.

  62. I saw this film a couple of weeks ago on cable, and I’m sorry while I like Cameron Crowe as a director this film blows. Orlando Bloom has made several films now where I feel it would be best if he didn’t talk at all. I can’t believe this is the same guy I enjoyed as Legoles in LOTR’s. What happened! When did he become so wooden as an actor? That soundtrack couldn’t save this pretentious borefest. I could only watch about 20 minutes then I just turned it off.

    By the way, while I love the first PoTC film, the second and third where we get increasing amounts of Will and Elizabeth are annoying. I loved the first because of Johnny Depp(Jack) and not W/E. They hog up way to much time in the sequels, and the thought that people thought the ‘Jack’ character was going to end up with Elizabeth made me want to barf.

    Please put the Day After Tomorrow Down for worst film, and if I could gouge it out of my memory, please include The Family Stone for worst family ever!!!! I kept thinking there was something wrong with me for hating that whole family and feeling sorry for SJP. Not even the cancer thing could bring back the love.

    Thank the gods I saw all these films on cable. Please also include Something’s Got to Give and the Day the Earth Stood Still(the remake). I saw the DtESS for 4.00, and I was robbed. It didn’t even have an ending it just suddenly stopped, so please remember that for when it comes out on DVD.

  63. Ujala  |   Posted on Jan 25th, 2009 0


    i recorded this movie one fine day, and decided to watch it. The concept of the movie was acceptable, but it was executed terribly. If the director’s job was to convey how boring the main actor was, he’s succeeded. This movie was chicken-shit. I wish i didn’t have to resort to cuss words to get my emotions across. But there really isn’t another word for it.
    The first thing i did after it was done was to make sure, it was REALLY done. I was like, this is IT? How you make a star studded movie look like it was made by an amateur is beyond me. Especially after he made Say Anything….

    Don’t waste your time, but if you’ve already seen it….. My thoughts go out to you.

  64. Panerai  |   Posted on Jan 31st, 2009 0

    Might be worst the movie ever… but he’s wearing one of the best watches ever.

  65. I not-so-secretly love that montage song in the background of the father/son scene – Helen Stellar’s “I/O”. So cinematepic cheesegood.

  66. sbors  |   Posted on Feb 6th, 2009 0

    You’re right on about Elizabethtown other than your comment about the soundtrack. Yes, it is THAT good!

  67. Chris S.  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 +2

    Once again, I totally disagree on this movie.

    I loved it.

  68. Billy  |   Posted on Feb 22nd, 2009 0

    Um…Is it true Cameron Crowe’s brain is sucked out because he hangs out with Tom Cruise and might be a SCIENTOLOGIST????

    There’s your answer right there, Vern.

  69. Sofia  |   Posted on Mar 3rd, 2009 0

    not to mention this shit movie is a total rip off of “Garden State”.

  70. murraystar  |   Posted on Mar 8th, 2009 0

    Please do:
    -The Leonardo Dicaprio version of Romeo + Juliet
    -The Billy Bob Thornton version of Bad News Bears
    -The animated version of The King and I
    -Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

  71. murraystar  |   Posted on Mar 8th, 2009 0

    Please do:
    -The Leonardo Dicaprio version of Romeo + Juliet
    -The Billy Bob Thornton version of Bad News Bears
    -The animated version of The King and I
    -Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

  72. murraystar  |   Posted on Mar 8th, 2009 0

    Please do:
    -The Leonardo Dicaprio version of Romeo + Juliet
    -The Billy Bob Thornton version of Bad News Bears
    -The animated version of The King and I
    -Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

  73. Just going thru and reading all the worst movie reviews I hadn’t read yet…………glad I never paid good money to see this flick. I wanna know what sane chick would put together a homemade map/cd book for a guy she just met? It looks like it was filled to the rim & could of taken weeks to make & yet she just put it together in one night for some stranger? I would freak out if I was him & never ever talk to her again.

  74. Yes. YES. This is, hands down, the worst movie of all time. It is the only non-horror film that I have watched in which I spent over half of it hiding my face in my hands. Every time Kirsten Dunst did that obnoxious (quirky!) I’m-taking-a-picture-of-you-with-my-imaginary-camera thing I died a little inside, and by a little I mean a lot. I was especially confused by the weird white guilt-assuaging scene where Orlando Bloom goes to pay homage to MLK, or something, and U2 is playing and it’s all supposed to be very liberating and progressive, somehow, but it just feels awkward, like the movie is trying waaaay too hard to be like “don’t worry! there are no black people in this movie, but they’re cool too.” False wisdom and quirky speeches about sums it up. And moralizing. Lots of moralizing. Which especially doesn’t make sense in light of the fact that Kirsten Dunst is supposed to be a hipster (see: hat, soundtrack), but (a) hipsters lack morals, (b) what self-respecting hipster would ever be a flight stewardess?, and (c) similarly, what self-respecting hipster would put the moves on some douche in first class who works for Nike? The only way this movie could have redeemed itself is if Kirsten Dunst was actually a serial killer and her “roadtrip” sent Orlando Bloom into some uncharted forest in the Ozarks where she was waiting to off him. Now that would have been some shit.

    This movie MUST win, hands down, because it’s so bad it’s just embarrassing. After I watched ‘Elizabethtown,’ I came up with a new word to describe the simultaneous mixture of revulsion, embarrassment, confusion, and awkwardness it made me feel: BLARF.

  75. Jill  |   Posted on Sep 11th, 2009 +2

    It should be noted that Orlando Bloom’s character sought to kill himself via homemade suicycle.

  76. camilla  |   Posted on Sep 12th, 2009 0

    If this isthe worst movie you have ever seen, it is hard to believe that you have seen that many movies. Or those that you have seen have been amazingly wonderful bits of cinematic heaven that have ruined you for anything less. I’ve seen movies that are far worst than Elizabethtown; the Pirate Movie (No, I don’t mean POTC); Billy Jack, and Highlander the Source are just a few that come to mind. Elizabethtown happens to be a damn good movie). I like its themes of dealing with failure and choosing life, and the scenes with Drew (Orlando Bloom) connecting with his father’s family following his fathers death definitely touched home with me. I’ve been through the same following the death of loved ones. If Elizabethtown is the worst movie you have ever seen, I hope you never see a truly bad movie.

  77. I can’t believe people would completely and utterly dismiss a piece of work (that is really not stupid at all if you think about it in depth) while not even giving it the benefit of the doubt. remember, reality is not like it seems, at all. you can be surprised just how many facets does it hold. I feel people should at least appreciate the work put into this, even though they might not share the same perspective as the director. this is not some commercial movie. it’s really not. it does have a degree of depth, and we have to think that’s all the director has got for us right now. no one is perfect, and darn no one can make one brilliant movie after another. don’t be so close-minded as to think everybody has to be flawless, the way you want them to be. that’s all they’ve got, that’s all they’ll share. when did you guys make an award winning movie? just between breakfast and lunch?

  78. all you motherfuckers don’t know shit about cinema, Elizabethtown’s such a great movie

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