I’m not going to pretend I know a whole lot about the hit television series Jersey Shore. (Generally I assume people like to pretend they know A LOT about it. It’s on everyone’s OK Cupid profile under “Favorite Books.”) I’m aware of Snookie and I’m aware of The Situation. I know that “The Situation” refers to abs. I know what “smooshing” is, unfortunately. And then the last thing I know about Jersey Shore is that each cast member gets paid roughly one billion dollars per episode. Well, as it turns out, one billion dollars per episode is way too much! And after the fifth season, MTV will be recasting the entire series with less expensive nightmares.

This news is surprising to me mostly because I can’t believe this show is going to have been on for six seasons. That’s crazy! Who is watching this show? Everyone? I guess another surprising thing is that everyone is still watching a show that airs on MTV. MTV, maybe you should just pay them their one billion dollars an episode and keep your head down. This seems like maybe the only thing you have going for you at this point. “We have a werewolf show now too!” -MTV. Poor MTV. Let’s help them out and recast Jersey Shore for them. It’s the absolute least we can do.


Real World: Seattle Cast
A very good season of Real World, as I remember. Let’s get these guys back and see how they’re doing. Remember when Stephen hit Irene? And threw her teddy bear or whatever in whatever body of water they lived on? Perfect. More of that.


Vincent Gallo
This one might be too on the nose, to be honest. Vincent Gallo might actually already be a Jersey Shore cast member — like I said, I don’t know a lot about the show. Is Vincent Gallo already a cast member? “Hey it’s Vincent Gallo. Welcome to Jersey Shore.” – Said with a Vincent Gallo impression.


Tom Hanks
I think he’d be into this idea. Someone get me Tom Hanks on the phone. Someone, come on, do it. Come ooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!


Kitchen Knife Set
Lots of built-in drama.


Carey Mulligan
She’d be good because you’d think she’d be the good girl but then she WOULDN’T be the good girl at some point toward the end of the season, but it would maybe only be a misunderstanding. Classic reality show good girl.


Gossip Girl Cast
Chuck: Come on, Blair, you know you want to smoosh with me. You could only ever smoosh with me. [Crying] You know that, Blair.
Blair: No, Chuck. I thought I could smoosh with you, but I just can’t. You’ll never change, Chuck. We’ll never change.
Dan: Where can I pick up a copy of the New Yorker here, on the Jersey Shore? It’s the Young College Fiction issue and I’m featured in it.
Serena: I don’t know, Dan. My clothes make sense now.
Vanessa: I’m the worst!
Everyone: WE KNOW.


Sam Rockwell
It would be like any of the characters he’s played that are kind of trashy. He’s very good at that! And very good at everything else. I just really like Sam Rockwell.


Nicole Kidman
She seems like a total B.


Rod Serling
Doyoyoy.


Cast of House MD
I haven’t watched House since the third season and I’m not sure who’s on it right now, so I’m thinking the classic cast. “It’s not Lupus.” “I will keep saying that this medical mystery is not worth my time until you tell me the next thing you’re about to tell me.” “Wilson, say something that helps me solve the medical mystery.” All future classic Jersey Shore catchphrases.


Birdie
#birdie4snookie

Comments (39)
  1. Did you guys see The Challenge: Rivals!?!?!?!?

    I’m waaaaaay too excited for this show.

    CT is back! He made fun of that girl’s helmet head after she got a concussion!
    Adam was awful (duh!) and they brought Mike in! Mike & Leroy BFF 4EVA!!!
    Robin cried! Robin always cries! (yes I have enough of a history with these shows to know that)
    Kenny and Wes are teammates. They have to WORK TOGETHER to win!

    TJ is back!

    I am not ashamed to admit that I LOVE The Challenge (anonymously on the internet)!!!!!

    • I’m right there with you man.

      The concept shows a lot promise, people who’ve grown to hate each other on past challenges being teamed up sound appealing, though in most cases it just seems more like they had a hostile incident and now they have to pretend they despise each other.

      I just hope there’s at least one point in the season where CT carries Adams on his back like a knapsack.

    • How old are the people competing on these shows now? I feel like I’ve seen certain ones spend like the past 5-10 years running the mtv reality gauntlet (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?).

    • I am related to someone on this show through marriage! I feel weird watching it and also talking about it because it kind of compromises my anonymity right?

  2. There is only one who can rise to this challenge.

  3. How about using the east coast of episodes of Entourage and just switch the titles?

  4. You had me at Carey Mulligan.

  5. Can we start a campaign to get the awesome dancing euro guys from earlier this week? I would watch that.

  6. My number one pic:

    Sidenote: is it okay for me to admit that I might be in love with Carey Mulligan? I hate being one of those people that do that with famous people etc etc but I can’t help it with her. I blame the fact that she was in a Doctor Who episode.

  7. Again with the Gossip Girl references, Kelly. I think the monsters agree that if we recast Gossip Girl recaps, you would be our pick!

  8. Dudes, I’ve already got our new Ronnie and Sam.

  9. In the original spirit of the show, which cast a bunch of people from NEW YORK!!! and one person (although terrible) from NJ, I think they should just jump the shark and replace them with the cast of the movie Winter’s Bone. Meth heads are very in right now.

  10. ORrrrr how about they replace the cast with the sisters from The Fighter!!!

  11. The cast of Reboot?

  12. seriously though. anthony weiner, elliot spitzer and former new jersey governor jim mcgreevy having a wild raucous summer in seaside heights? now THAT’S television!

  13. Add Norm McDonald as Bob Dole.

    “This is Bob Dole’s peanut butter!”


  14. as a stipulation, Birdie must only appear as Dr. Birdie on the show.

  15. Maybe, just maybe, Kelly, if you had accepted my facebook invite for my Jersey Shore viewing party, you wouldn’t be so in the dark about this cultural phenom.

  16. sidenote: does everyone on this site just instinctively know how to embed photos/is a computer super genius (aka NERD)? I am by no means a n00b to this website (internet slang! i’m hip!) but I have absolutely no idea how to do this and the mere thought of screwing up is giving me nightmares.

    ok time for my mid-morning nap and denture cleaning!

  17. Sam Rockwell should be cast in everything.

    The best Sam Rockwell casting yet: Moon, because (spoilers?) there were two Sam Rockwells.

  18. This will be the season that CT commits first degree sodomy/murder combo’s im callin it now

  19. Holy shit, last night in videogum chat (http://tinychat.com/videogum) we were reminiscing HARD about ‘the slap heard round the world’ on Real World Seattle. AND David’s stupid scat-song (jazz scat not poop) on Real World New Orleans. This is videogum real world nostalgia synergy happening right here.

  20. Everybody has two jobs…their own and casting. Still and all, well done, Kelly.

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