I will give this show one thing: it never ceases to surprise me with its dedication and inventiveness towards being terrible. Each week, just when I think True Blood is resting on its rotten laurels, coasting by on pre-established structures of awfulness, complacent in its horribleness, something happens to remind me that they’re far from finished in exploring the depths of how bad things can get before they get better (better=canceled). They stay on their miserably conceived toes over there, I will give them that.

And last night had plenty of very bad moments, like when Tara has the soul-seeking realization that she needs an exorcism to keep her from being…grumpy, or like when Jason Stackhouse and that girl from Cloverfield have CGI jungle sex in a green screen Garnier Fructis commercial. But this week’s moment of truly inspired badness involved Sam Merlotte and the often hinted at but never revealed plot detail that he can SPOILER ALERT change into a dog. I’m sorry, whuuuuuuut? So Sookie is telepathic and Sam Merlotte is a shape shifter in a sleepy town full of vampires. Ridiculous.

But even if I was willing to accept that Sam Merlotte changes into a dog sometimes, which I am not saying that I am willing to accept that, but if I was, the scene in which it was revealed was just classic True Blood (classic True Blood=classic The Worst):

LOLz. “Just give me one moment, officer, I seem to have forgotten something in the bar. GO GO GADGET TURN INTO A DOG!” And why is Sookie trying to fuck that dog? “You’re going to get cold sleeping on that floor. You better come up on the bed and crawl inside my vagina.” No, Brian Fellows. I know that this show is adapted from the Charlaine Harris book, or whatever, but that’s why Hollywood spends all that money to buy the rights to things. So that they can legally say “No, Charlaine Harris, we are not putting in that ridiculous thing about Sam turning into a dog because we recognize what a horrible idea that would be.”

Watching this show is like watching a train wreck. A very longe train wreck. A very long train wreck that sometimes transforms into a dog wreck. Perfect. I can’t wait until HBO adapts that metaphor into its own show.

Comments (49)
  1. Wayne  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 0

    What about Vampire Eric and Vampire Bill discussing Wii golf? Wasn’t that stupid and distracting but also humanizing for the vampires?

  2. I actually laugh-screamed when the “big” Sam’s a dog reveal happened. But more importantly, I almost murder-suicided when Sookie was trying to seduce dog-Sam. Who talks to dogs like that? And plot hole alert! Are we really supposed to believe this guy who finds vampires ridiculous and hard to believe is also a guy that TURNS INTO A DOG? How has he kept that secret all these years? Good thing they kept it realistic by having him turn back naked. Dogs don’t wear clothes silly!
    No, I will not watch this show again, except that I will because OMG Bill’s going to vampire jail.

  3. natemc  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 +1

    Can we PLEASE talk about the first minute of this episode with the squirting fake blood and the vampire melting and the fake vomit and anna paquin covered in blood with the look that says “what the hell was i thinking signing up to do this show?” I can’t wait to see how much more ridiculous this show can get. We are over the edge here, people.

  4. while i enjoy this show… it IS getting cuh-razy.
    dog-people, vampires, DEMONS, mind-readers….

    sounds like a bad episode of Fringe.

  5. Chadams  |   Posted on Nov 3rd, 2008 0

    The euphoric “love-making” scene was the worst thing ever to be transmitted over tiny, invisible airwaves.

  6. As a loser who has actually read these books, it gets soooo much worse. Shape-shifting dog is just the tip of the iceberg. I had to stop reading them cause I felt myself becoming an old southern lady. It’s weird cause the worst stuff (tara’s demon & jason’s sexy v additiction) actually wasn’t in the books.

  7. The problem that I have with Sam/Dog is two-fold because 1) Sam doesn’t seem to know he’s a dog but left the cop to go change and 2) there was a scene in an earlier episode where Sam was petting that dog in front of his trailer.

    Are we to believe there is a whole race of dog-people? What is happening in this peaceful little Looosiana town?

  8. how did you not know he was the dog? they’ve been showing that since the beginning. altho a few episodes he talked to the dog? so that was weird. maybe he goes inside the dog’s soul or can copy animals or some garbage.

  9. So is the premise of this show for him to get naked and sneak up on her then rape her?

    Change him to a her and maybe I’ll watch…JK I totally would watch if it were two chicks! Awesome!

  10. Man this shows got everything vampires, politics, lame vampires, dogs, vampires, people, graveyards, southern accents, metaphors, and vampires. The only ingredient that would make this show any more perfect would be a ridiculous rape sex scene. UH OH, SPOKE TO SOONSIES!

  11. Actually, as you find out later, Sam can change in more than just a dog. He’s like from this old race of changelings where most of them can only turn into a werewolf, he can turn into anything he wants.

    Oh and Pam is a big ol lesbian and that becomes important.

    As far as other stuff: The Jason/Tara stuff isnt in the books and is ridiculous.

  12. Nick  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 +3

    so stop watching.

  13. DownBoy  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 -1

    I needed superglue to patch me back together after the underwater green screen saver sex. That shit cracked me UP!

  14. Karen  |   Posted on Nov 4th, 2008 +1

    I’ve always suspected they would throw this in, since the first episode when that dog was following Sookie around but I was hoping they would think better of it . . . But on Sunday when I heard Sam say “I’m really a social animal,” I knew it was done for. WTF is Alan Ball thinking??

  15. person  |   Posted on Nov 5th, 2008 +5

    why do you keep watching?
    also its hilarious that people take vampire blood to trip but then sookie gets a mouthful at the beginning of the episode and is fine

  16. anna paquin is my new least favorite actor.
    i re-watched ’25th hour’ this weekend and almost had to have an eye and brain transplant to deal with the PTSD induced by her performance.
    of all the things about this show that are far-fetched, us being expected to find her sexy and appealing is the most egregious.

    • Anna P is sexy and appealing, and this show is totally ridiculous, but in a fun “Twin Peaksy” type of way. It’s campy and silly, not meant to be a goddamn documentary about vampires. Although, I’m from Los Angeles, so as far as I’m concerned this IS a documentary about the south.

  17. Zack  |   Posted on Nov 6th, 2008 +5

    To be honest, I find the show to be rather entertaining, my problem with it arises from reading the books (which I’m not finished with and started after starting the show.) I hate all the new stuff they add and the good stuff that they change. Sam turning into a dog didn’t bug me, but that scene was kind of reversed, Sookie wasn’t suppoosed to want Dean (what she calls Dog-Sam) into the bed. There are just plenty of errors that are starting to annoy me. I didn’t mean to rant here, but I just haave one more thing to say, if you hate the show so much, here’s what you do, get off your fat ass, lean forward, and push that little button on your television, and turn the power off, that way people don’t have to listen to you bitch about how much you hate this show.

  18. Nicole  |   Posted on Nov 6th, 2008 -3

    This show is TERRIBLE. It’s ripe for mocking though, and laughing hysterically at – so I still end up watching it. Especially now that ‘Mad Man’ is done for the season.

  19. fangbanger81  |   Posted on Nov 6th, 2008 0

    This show is delightfully horrible. I cringe each week as i sit through the hour of inconsistent storylines, soft corn porn, and ridiculous character development. BUT the show never fails to leave me wanting more with it’s always intriguing last scene. so no matter how many times i swear it off as i watch, the cliffhanger always has me back for more. you can’t deny that magic.

    The only thing that irks me more than how fantastical this show is becoming is the horrible acting and poor portrayal of a southern accent. Sam Merlotte is the only character (still alive) that’s believable as being from the South. Anna Paquin should be ashamed.

  20. Phil  |   Posted on Nov 6th, 2008 +5

    Considering the show is about vampires, i don’t think we’re supposed to “accept” any of it. Shows involving the supernatural don’t nee to be believable. The crazier the better, I say.

  21. Kelsey  |   Posted on Nov 7th, 2008 -3

    Good GOD this looks awful. Anna Paquin, you can do so, so, SO much better than this!!!!!

  22. Creative type  |   Posted on Nov 8th, 2008 -1

    You bunch of non creative ignorant simpleton couch potatoes haven’t the slightest idea about fantasy, fables, or other elements that are combined with reality in order to convey ideas in a story, all you know is the simple and boring mundane methods of story telling designed to entertain IQ’s of less that 120. You can’t shove caviar into the mouth of a bum in the street because he’ll spit it out and ask for a burger. So change the channel and watch something you can understand.

  23. Creative type  |   Posted on Nov 8th, 2008 +3

    You bunch of non creative ignorant simpleton couch potatoes haven’t the slightest idea about fantasy, fables, or other elements that are combined with reality in order to convey ideas in a story, all you know is the simple and boring mundane methods of story telling designed to entertain IQ’s of less that 120. You can’t shove caviar into the mouth of a bum in the street because he’ll spit it out and ask for a burger. So change the channel and watch something you can understand.

    • Amber  |   Posted on Jul 29th, 2009 -1

      AMEN TO THAT! I LOVE True Blood. I think it is a wonderful show. It uses the IMAGINATION to create a whole different world. The story line is fun and intriguing. It keeps you on your toes. I love that, not only did they base the story on Vampires, they have thrown in many different mythical beings that we, as children, believed were real. If you do not use other angles, characters, etc…..THE SHOW DIES OUT! You need to keep it interesting. This show is clearly NOT for those of you (the majority) who spend your days on perezhilton.com and then talk about Paris Hilton’s new outfit for 3 weeks. This show is for those who enjoy escaping “normal” life and open their minds to a totally unique show such as this. I think it is about time we got something different then “Survivor, Lost, The Hills, Gossip Girl, CSI, 24, ER,”….ALL the same shit over and over and over again.

      Thank you for your comment, you hit the nail straight on the head here :)

  24. Creative type  |   Posted on Nov 8th, 2008 -1

    You bunch of non creative ignorant simpleton couch potatoes haven’t the slightest idea about fantasy, fables, or other elements that are combined with reality in order to convey ideas in a story, all you know is the simple and boring mundane methods of story telling designed to entertain IQ’s of less that 120. You can’t shove caviar into the mouth of a bum in the street because he’ll spit it out and ask for a burger. So change the channel and watch something you can understand.

  25. dragonlady  |   Posted on Nov 10th, 2008 -7

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  26. I love this show. It’s actually taken the place of Dexter on Sunday nights. I have to watch it in real time and DVR poor Dex. So it’s really far fetched…..it’s called a TV show! Oh and I am looking forward to reading the books.

  27. swiftee  |   Posted on Nov 12th, 2008 +4

    anyone who actually watches the show and then blogs on it doesn’t hate it at all! Lol!

  28. tam  |   Posted on Nov 20th, 2008 +1

    the best scene so far has to be her waking up to the cat purring while she was masturbating. THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER I laughed one of those full body laughs that you just can’t fake

  29. Carmen  |   Posted on Dec 23rd, 2008 0

    You sure watch the show a lot. (Scratching head)

  30. Pam  |   Posted on Dec 23rd, 2008 +3

    I love the show and must say it’s very erotic. There’s plenty of eye candy as most of the guys in the show are cute with awesomely hot bodies! Sam is one of my favorites. He can “bark in his sleep” in my bed Anytime!!! Yum.

  31. Heather  |   Posted on Jan 16th, 2009 +2

    TRUE BLOOD FUCKING ROCKS!

  32. serpent  |   Posted on Jun 1st, 2009 0

    If you don’t like it, don’t watch it. This show is based off a series of books, and although some of the stuff is added and therefore is stupid, so they can’t change too much.

  33. Leslie  |   Posted on Jun 14th, 2009 +2

    you are fucking pathetic…. its a fucking show who gives a shit if shes telepathic or he changes into a dog. Get off the computer and get a life

  34. amina  |   Posted on Jun 25th, 2009 +2

    ok, this thing is totally twisted around. in the book sam was the one being a complete perv, watching her change and shower and what not. and now it’s like sookie has some beastial fetish……

  35. mkital  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -1

    Are you fucking retarded? “So Sookie is telepathic and Sam Merlotte is a shape shifter in a sleepy town full of vampires. Ridiculous.”
    It’s a supernatural based show you mental midget…

    These short-sighted negative comments stem from the same reason you see moshing at concerts….

    Little boys don’t get enough sex. Enjoy the god damn show, it’s one of the best on TV.

    And if you are dead set on spewing bullshit about how horrible True Blood is, please let us know what shows we should be watching.

  36. Acerbitas  |   Posted on Jul 16th, 2009 +1

    This show is incredibly amazing because it is so awful. I still am stunned beyond words that they canceled Rome, my favorite show, and soon after create this monstrosity. But I watch it because it is totally horrible. Every minute is amusing. The best part for me so far wasn’t the dog-people or the “mainstreaming” vampires or the silly amounts of random sex. It was the part where the grandmother is murdered and the police are like “Lawl, we’re done here. You can just go in there and clean up all your grandmother’s blood by yourself *cough* evidence *cough* while we just NOT rope this area off as a crime scene. I do wonder why we haven’t gotten this guy yet.” But it’s great. I look forward to every episode.

  37. rayfield75  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2009 -1

    what i dont think you realise is that the whole show is dealing with hte idea of supernatural beings, so what is your whole kerfuffle over these so-called shortcomings? the tv show is adapted from a book series, and draws no more that the fictional truth from these novels.

  38. rayfield75  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2009 0

    what i dont think you realise is that the whole show is dealing with hte idea of supernatural beings, so what is your whole kerfuffle over these so-called shortcomings? the tv show is adapted from a book series, and draws no more that the fictional truth from these novels.

  39. Shellie86  |   Posted on Jul 30th, 2009 -1

    It’s SUPPOSED to be ridiculous and campy. That’s the fun of the show. You laugh, roll your eyes and think WTF every episode. Regarding the show straying from the book’s story lines… I wouldn’t want it to be exactly the same, or it would ruin the element of surprise. It’s BASED on the book. Fun show, IMO.

  40. Angie  |   Posted on Aug 9th, 2009 +2

    Yes, I do have to agree that the first season was a bit off, even the first book was not my favorite. But the second season is just wonderful, and it really picked up since the first season. Less sex scenes now that Jason is all religious, and much more action going on.

    People who are reading this, pay not to the fact that this review was written in NOVEMBER 3 of 2008. It is August 9 of 2009 almost a year since then. The show has gotten very very good. And if any of you don’t really enjoy the show, then read the books, they have the same plot line but a lot of different things happen, for example Lafayette dies but because he was such a beloved character he was kept alive in the series. You might not like the differences but both the show and the book are good and in an interview Charlain Harris and Allan Ball said that both of them wrote differently and that they wouldn’t come in between of their ideas.

    Oh, and he turns into a dog because that is what he is most familiar with, but he can shape shift into other things of course.

  41. Jelle  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 0

    Wait, what ?
    Could it actually be, supernatural stuff in a show about bloody vampires (pun not intended… well, maybe a bit) ?
    Whatever will they come up with next, shows about aliens ?
    As for the whole shapeshifter thing: You acept Bill explaining to Sookie that some vampires an turn into bats, but a guy turning into anything he wants is ‘far fetched’ ?
    Not that True Blood is as genius as people claim, I like it but then again I don’t mind seeing stuff that doesn’t add up.
    At least try to get some good arguments for not liking a show.

  42. Kaitlyn  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -1

    You are all stupid. This show is AMAZING. There is nothing stupid or ridiculous about this show!

  43. You’re probbly some digustin’ fat pig that lives with their mom, i’m gonna go easy on ya ’cause i’m in a good mood, so here’s what i have to say about this stupid worthless rant you put up, you’re poplar cause you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12, but now you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror cause all you see is a whore so you pick on people to avoid the inevidable realization that when your body’s used up by age 30, you’re gonna be a worn out chalky – skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won’t want, how’s that am i in the ballpark.

  44. You’re probbly some digustin’ fat pig that lives with their mom, i’m gonna go easy on ya ’cause i’m in a good mood, so here’s what i have to say about this stupid worthless rant you put up, you’re poplar cause you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12, but now you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror cause all you see is a whore so you pick on people to avoid the inevidable realization that when your body’s used up by age 30, you’re gonna be a worn out chalky – skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won’t want, how’s that am i in the ballpark.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.