Britney Spears’ new video, directed by Chris Marrs Piliero, was released today and it is very strange! Full of clothes from the early ’00s, jokes, and references to Half Baked for some reason. My one complaint (just this one, the rest of what I have is praise) is that it seems like these days every single pop song by a female, this one for example, is about how they’ve spent their whole lives playing by the rules and now they don’t want to play by the rules anymore. Which is a fine enough thing to sing about, I guess, but do we ALL have to sing about it? What is the group of three people who write all the pop songs called, The Matrix? It is, I looked it up on Wikipedia. Well, if The Matrix is reading this: Please write all the pop songs about a different thing, Kelly Conaboy is bored of this thing. Now, for the praise! Just kidding kind of:

Hahah. Uh, what? Why the Terminator robots? Why the safety pins? Why the eye makeup that makes her eyes look like the go down on the sides in a weird way? WHY THE HALF BAKED? Let me stop you before you answer that though, Chris Marrs Piliero, because I don’t actually care why because it is all perfect. Of course robots. Of course Guillermo. When I first saw him I thought to myself, “Why is Guillermo from Weeds in this?” Because I am too dumb to get the jokes in Britney Spears music videos right away. But the thought of a minor character from Weeds being in this video was a lot funnier to me than the thought of the character she references from Half Baked being in this video. Though I do still think that is PRETTY funny! Good one, guys. That movie came out such a long time ago.

Another complaint I have about this video, oops, I thought there was only one but I thought of another, is the implied idea that “the media” really cares about Britney Spears anymore. Nobody does, I don’t think. I haven’t heard any good Britney gossip in what seems like decades. Everyone is pretty uniformly “Leaving Britney Alone” at this point. Which is great. Good for you, Britney. Enjoy your one zillion dollars in peace and please invite me to your future sketch group’s monthly UCB show. I will not attend because I don’t like sketch comedy, but if it’s a Facebook invitation I will click “Maybe Attending.” (Thanks for the tip, Scott!)

Comments (62)
  1. “I will not attend because I don’t like sketch comedy.

    Kelly, you’re being such a non-pillow right now!

    • I know Kelly is supposed to like things and Gabe is supposed to hate things, is it Freaky Friday today, sorry Wacky Wednesday

  2. My wife is a HUUUUGE Britney Spears fan. She showed me this video first thing this morning, and my reaction was pretty much the same: “Why the Half Baked references?” followed by “Why the Guillermo?” But I liked it!

    The thing that has me concerned, though, is that she seems to be coming full-circle. This has a very “Toxic” feel to it. For those of you who don’t remember, Toxic was a very good video that made my pants no longer fit properly, and it was followed by her shaving her head and attacking people with umbrellas. I’m a bit concerned that the cycle is almost complete, and we’re on the brink of a brand new collapse. I don’t want to have to be put into another situation where I’m rooting for Kevin Federline!

  3. Hey Britney your stylist was sick today so we brought in Avril Lavigne’s stylist, is that okay with you?

  4. How about the marquee that reads “Crossroads 2: Cross Harder”? I saw that and thought perhaps somebody involved in that video may read this here blog.

  5. Hahahahaha. So many ideas. So little focus.

  6. “Ok, guys, clock’s ticking. Let’s make sure we got everything: Press conference pundits, fat guy in a little coat, Scarface from Half Baked, a guy that can do a backflip, a baby, a shiny red sports car, a kid that can look like he’s mollified by tits, a stripper cop, a yellow cab, dogs that look like they’ve just been shown a card trick, a cgi microphone whip, a terminator- whoops, make that two terminators, a classic convertible, aaaaaaaand a green screen for the car to sit in front of with some western highway footage playing on it. Check. Oh! and sea shells. What’s that? YOU FORGOT THE SEASHELLS?! Well you better get down to the beach, BRIAN, and pick us up some seashells or this whole thing’s not gonna work!”

  7. The correct thought should have been “Why is Leo from Party Girl in this?” but I’ll let it slide cuz you’re probably not a gay man born around 1980.

  8. You guys, a lot of you know that I am from Louisiana, and in fact, I am from the very same parish (counties to the rest of you) as one Ms. Britney Spears. I grew up w/ quite a few people that knew her personally, so I am separated from her by like one degree. We even went to the same dentist, you guys.

    Now, the point I am getting at is that she was on the Mickey Mouse Club with my future husband Ryan Gosling. So this means I am separated from Ryan by like two degrees!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!

  9. I had to pause the video because my brain is exploding.

    1. That cop is very attractive. I would like it if we could be special friends that liked to sit close on the couch and also smile and look into each others eyes at dinner and also have a lot of sex.

    2. The microphone whip is very Gogo from Kill Bill.

    3. The eye makeup looks very poor… it’s making her eyes red/watery.

    4. I like the Mickey Mouse shirt.

    okay, back to the video

  10. You guys, a lot of you know that I am from Louisiana, and in fact, I am from the very same parish (counties to the rest of you) as one Ms. Britney Spears. I grew up w/ quite a few people that knew her personally, so I am separated from her by like one degree. We even went to the same dentist, you guys.

    Now, the point I am getting at is that she was on the Mickey Mouse Club with my future husband Ryan Gosling. So this means I am separated from Ryan by like two degrees!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!

  11. I’m not going to watch the video at the moment since I’m at work, and the last thing I want to get caught watching at work is the new Britney Spears video.

    I am, however, very intrigued by the fact that there are references to Half Baked. Personally, I think it’s a funny movie, but a reference to it in a pop video in 2011?

    When trying to find answers to your questions about this video, it’s best to ask the guy on the couch.

  12. I feel like this is the appropriate time and place to let everyone know how much I like “Till the World Ends”…. Its just a great pop song and I like singing along to it. #thereIsaidit #Ifeelsomuchbetternow

  13. I thought it was Gabe writing about the video, and I was all, “Dude, you’re putting waaay too much attention to the clothes and the makeups, NO FOMMO”. Then I realized it was Kelly. THE END.

  14. She should change her name to Britney Smears.

  15. At least we didn’t have to suffer through Britney pretending she can still dance, ie doing the electric slide for 20 seconds.

  16. Question: Why does BREAKING ALL THE RULES! for chicks in pop music always entail putting black extensions in your peroxide-straw hair?

    • And usually flashing and/or grinding on men. Because if there’s one thing female pop stars are consistently discouraged from doing it’s acting in an overtly sexual manner all the time for no reason!

  17. Also why would Scarface from Half Baked be at a press conference, dressed in his clothes from his burger job? He quit that burger job early in the film and it is now many years later. Did he fall on hard times? How did he get a press pass? You’d think he would change before coming to an event like that… I have many more questions.

  18. I always thought Guillermo from Weeds was super cute. But this didn’t do much for me.

    Also: She looks very photoshopped in this. But if they are photoshopping everything else on her body, why didn’t they fix her weird watery red eyes?

  19. This is actually a very accurate depiction of what happens in the roughly 3-4 minutes after anyone questions my affection for puppies.

  20. For a blog and commenting community that makes jokes/puns/references to pop culture items as far back as CitizenKaneClapping.gif, I think we can cut Brit Brit some slack on using the Half Baked reference.

    • I see your point, but we’re joking within a community of similar people and not spending multiple commas of dollars on something that we intend for the whole world to watch on youtube. I kind of feel like maybe that situation calls for a little bit more current humor, or at least more well-known older references. I mean, I love Half Baked and got the reference, but it’s not like that’s a famous scene for everyone, or was so relevant to the scene that there was no better possible movie reference that could have gone there instead.

  21. I’m surprised no one mentioned the reference to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video at the end, complete with the turnaround, red eyes and echoey laughter.

    I KNOW some of you out there are older than 25 and can feel me here.

  22. I think probably if I was a mother to little boys and for awhile there everyone in my whole country was saying I was possibly a less fit parent than Kevin Federline I might be too sensitive to that to make jokes about exposing myself to little boys, but I am kind of a square, so…

  23. Guillermo looks an awful lot like Guillermo from Jimmy Kimmel Live. Just saying.

  24. the “I love seashells” thing was a reference/ripoff of the Dan Deacon lizard video “drinking out of cups.”

    this video is to Tim and Eric what those late-arriving Pulp Fiction rip-offs like “Two Days in the Valley” or late-arriving “quirky” “indie” movies like “Garden State” or “Little Miss Sunshine” were. A bunch of ripped off shit you’ve seen before that is not interesting or funny or effective.

  25. How about this for a Britney Spears comedy video:

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