I generally look forward to flying, when I have to fly places. Especially when it’s a very early flight and there aren’t going to be a lot of people at the airport yet. It makes me feel like George Clooney. “Just flying to some VERY important business.” It’s exciting! And sometimes on the flight there’s a TV in the back of the seat ahead of you, and you can watch that TV. And one time on a flight I met the drummer of Eve 6. But, flying can also be a nightmare. That is a more common anecdote theme. For example, up until the age twenty-one, I was consistently asked if I was “travelling with an adult” when I went through security at airports. That is neither a joke nor an exaggeration. And when I would say “I’m twenty-one” they would say something like, “Oh, that’s a good thing, to look so young!” And it’s like yeah if I’m 50 and look 35 that’s good but when I’m 21 and look 11 I don’t know, that doesn’t seem so good to me. And also for example, this guy’s luggage got sent all over the world and then when he finally got it back it was covered in urine and toothpaste. Oops!

What! Now, of course we don’t know if this is actually urine. Maybe it is just moldy from being left in the rain or something, as if that is much better. But if it IS urine: WHAT! And the toothpaste maybe could have just squirted out by itself. But if it didn’t: WHAT! God, flying is a nightmare. It’s like every airline JUST got the job of being an airline. And it’s absolutely insane how frequently things get stolen from luggage. Pretty much always they do, if you have anything worth stealing in your luggage. And pretty much never your luggage shows up at your actual destination. I got a suitcase you can have as a carryon because of this, and guess how many times I’ve actually been able to carry it on. ONE TIME. And THAT time I had to switch seats because a person who couldn’t speak English was seated in an emergency exit seat, and I had a backpack with me, and they were like “Well, ok, you can’t have the backpack now because of some stupid airline reason and there is no room in the overhead, you’ll have to check it.” BECAUSE I DID A GOOD DEED? AND there was a crying baby next to me then! But also I got to watch a marathon of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia on the TV that was in the back of the seat ahead of me. So. (Via Gawker.)

Comments (47)
  1. If that were me, I’d be pretty pissed.

  2. Alternatively: Guys, I’m worried about Fergie and Hugh Jackman’s job security.

  3. Open letter to this guy:

    Oh god, that is terrible. If you are still in the metro area, I will let you use my washing machine and dryer. And my tide! I do not have dryer sheets, so you may want to pick some up at target.

    Open letter to Delta:

    I will stop complaining that you showed King Arthur on my only flight with you. I got off easy.

    • Maybe this is all part of some new PR strategy.

      “Oh, what’s that? Your flight was delayed? WELL WHAT IF WE PISS ON YOUR BAG, HUH? Now that delayed flight doesn’t seem so terrible does it?” — new Delta employee, R. Kelly (haha! timely reference!)

  4. These clothes are covered in someone’s urine! quick lay them over the bed and squeeze each and every one of them.

    • Well, to be fair, it IS a hotel bed. If anything, it might help.

    • Right! If it were me, those clothes would be draped safely in the bathtub. Is this guy planning on touching that bed or the TV or the dress of drawers during his stay in that hotel? Some people just don’t know how to deal with a bunch of urine soaked clothes.

  5. I remember when I was living in Italy, the airline workers all went on strike. Their strike was so they could watch a soccer game, and it lasted like 2 hours and then they went back to work. I’m pretty sure that’s not how strikes are supposed to be used.

  6. The terrorists hate us for our non-urine soaked luggage and until we can engage them in a way that doesn’t involve torture and bullets this will continue to happen. #NoUrine4Oil

  7. Nothing worse than a sodden hodded jumper. Bloody Delta wankers.

      • Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat.

        • So on an unrelated note, you reminded me of a big debate I’ve been involved with for several weeks: Can you add words to a dead language? The word minutia is claimed to be Latin, but the first use was in the 1700s, well after Latin stopped being anybody’s native tongue. Can you just make up a word and say that it is Latin, even if it was never used when Latin was active? I submit that no, you cannot!

          • First, I am curious how this has become a “big” debate. It should be, at most, a passing debate. This frightens and confuses me.

            And let me answer your question with a question: Do you think when English is (finally) dead, people will still try to insist that “emoticon” is an actual word?

          • At least “emoticon” is being used while the English language is still active. If minutia was not used by native Latin speakers, then it is not a Latin word! And it was a big debate because I was obviously right, and the person with whom I was arguing would not concede.

          • You are a gentleman and a scholar, and you make a valid point. I CONCEDE.

          • Frindle is based in my hometown. #cool

          • Facetaco, if I remember my Latin teacher right (and I probably don’t), there’s actually an authority set up in the Vatican which maintains Latin as a language and creates new words in Latin in order to keep it up to date. Admittedly, I don’t know if you’d count clergy in the Vatican as native Latin speakers, but the Vatican does have three ATMS that operate in Latin. Make of that what you will.

      • Lorries.

  8. At least they didn’t shit&burn his luggage. Just ask Eugene “Horsedick” Mirman how annoying that is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjiHyb5N0Kg

  9. This is not what Delta promised back in the late 90′s…


  10. so Kelly, you’re the one that brings on two carry on’s? a backpack and a rolling suitcase…that’s two carry on bags. when you get on the plane before me, and take up the space with your rolling suitcase and your “personal item” backpack, which is really two carry on’s, that means that my carry on will no longer fit in the overhead compartment. so it either has to be checked…shoved under the seat in front of me leaving no room for my legs, or put in an overhead compartment about 14 rows behind where i’m sitting, which means i have to wait for half the plane to deboard before i can go back and grab my stuff.

    god, being middle class (and white) is so HARD! this guy knows what i’m talking about

    • I feel like they need to do a secondary size check that your “personal item” is small enough to fit under the seat. Too many people are getting away with that second bag, absolutely crammed to the gills full of more clothes they won’t wear but insist they will need for a two-day trip to a crappy town where no one cares about anyone’s appearance anyways, but thank god they have two down comforter-sized coats just in case one doesn’t match their pants, whoops, that one turned into a rant

    • The backpack takes the place of a purse that I can also fit my headphones and Kindle in. I am a lady and sometimes I need to carry LADY THINGS.

  11. I feel your pain Kelly. I still get carded at R rated movies and I’m 28!

    Also, will the doubtful stares of liquor and grocery store employees ever stop?!?!

    • Grow a beard. It’ll solve all your problems in life. This applies to both males and females, duh.

    • I am also a member of the Young Face Club. Once when I was 23 I was buying beer and the cashier VERY snottily said “OK, I’m gonna need to see some ID.” When I showed her that I was in fact of age, she rudely said “Oh. You look like you’re 12.” THANKS.

      • Ugh, this happens to me ALL THE TIME. The other day a waitress told me she thought I was fourteen(I’m twenty eight). God knows what she thought of my boyfriend, Chris Hansen was probably on his way before I ordered that drink.

        But guys, it’s better that suffering from Oldface.

        • I also have membership in the I’m Not Upset My Face Just Looks Like This Club so I get asked what’s wrong a lot, people just assume I’m a grumpy child I guess. I was getting a pedicure with my mom (who also looks younger than her 60 years) a few weeks ago and someone assumed I was her grandchild. I’m almost 30!

  12. By the way, Kelly, as far as the crying baby thing goes, it might comfort you to know that, in that situation, nobody is more frustrated and annoyed than the parent of said child. I’ve been in that situation, and it’s just as terrible to have to sit through when it’s your own kid, plus there’s the shame of knowing that you’re ruining everybody else’s flight, too.

  13. Aaaak! Get that urine soaked luggage off of your bed!!! Get some rubber gloves!!! Throw everything in the wash with bleach!!! And just throw the suitcase out. Poor guy. Btw, I was in the elegant Delta lounge in Salt lake city over the weekend waiting for a delayed flight, and they were serving hummus in a squeeze tube. After seeing this, can’t complain anymore.

  14. Where is the photo of you as a kid, Gabe?

  15. I was on a plane this weekend and the steward made a guy sitting a few rows in front of me put his laptop in the overhead bin for take off and landing. He was told he couldn’t just hold onto it or put it on the floor.

    The lady next to me had a baby on her lap. A Baby! She was allowed to just hold that kid.

    The guy’s laptop was a MacBook Pro though, so maybe my point is moot.

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