When you read about celebrities, you mostly hear the same complaints: that the disappearance of privacy is maddening, and also that cocaine omelets are delicious. Those are the two stories that are in all the magazines. Anyway, what they DON’T tell you, is that sometimes a celebrity’s natural narcissism is met with a world more than willing to accommodate him/her. I know I’ve written about this before, but did you know that Liberace had a male lover for whom he paid an intensive and invasive plastic surgery procedure to make him look MORE LIKE LIBERACE so that LIBERACE COULD FUCK HIMSELF? You know, stuff like that, normal stuff. When you compare the video after the jump to something like that it’s almost not even worth talking about. Del Monte made a popsicle in the shape of David Hasselhoff for some reason and David Hasselhoff not only has to eat a popsicle of himself, but he also has to do an interview ABOUT THE POPSICLE and then he has to walk around the streets of what looks like Dusseldorf or whatever, who even knows anymore, and talk to people about the popsicle, like, hey, you guys, check out this popsicle, it’s in the shape of me, and I have a lot of emotional problems because of my life and career and yet still people are jealous of me, go figure, yum, beat the heat! SNORE! Call me when David Hasselhoff sport-fucks his own face! (Oh good grief. I am so sorry for this whole post. My only comfort is that I did not invent celebrity culture. Or popsicles. Just kidding, I would KILL to have invented popsicles. Oh well.)

Yum! Beat the heat! Indeed. (Via foodiggity. Thanks for the tip, Merrill.)

Comments (31)
  1. Dude needs to stop hassling everybody on the streets.

  2. I’ll wait for the Howie Mandel popsicle

  3. “Yo dawg, I heard you’re a narcissist who likes popsicles, so we made a popsicle that looks like you so you can eat a popsicle that looks like you before you down a bottle of whiskey, cut the inside of your leg with a safety pin, and cry yourself to sleep.”

    #Pimp My Ride Nights

  4. If I ever come into ownership of one of those Popsicles, I would put on a Godzilla or King Kong costume one before I bite his stupid head off.

  5. Pictured: A frozen, lifeless, raspberry flavored man and a Popsicle.

  6. Hasslehoff in your mouth: 1,000 aspiring Baywatch extras can’t be wrong.

  7. I bet David Hasselhoff can still figure out a way to have sex with that popsicle of himself. Just saying.

    • He’d better hurry up, otherwise he’s going to have to figure out how to make the stick look like him and then have sex with it.

      • I imagine each popsicle stick has a Hasselhoff-related compliment printed on it instead of a lame joke. “Your slow-motion bouncing pecks look GREAT today” “You’ll beat your addiction! Unless your addiction is licking miniature replicas of my body, in which case, go hog wild, pal!”

  8. The level of detail is amazing, even right down to the stick up his ass.

  9. I think the girl in the green dress meant to say “lorry.”

  10. Thats when you know you have MADE IT. Someday when there is a popsicle version of me I can die happy knowing that I have finally achieved the ultimate fame.

  11. Which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

    • True story: In high school we had a German exchange student, and when he was invited to tell us about himself and his country one of the things he said was “And we do not like David Hasselhoff. I do not know why Americans think we like him. I think maybe people liked him a long time ago, but now we don’t, so Americans should forget that.”


  13. I can’t believe they don’t have a vodka soaked version with a little hamburger in its hand.

  14. I want to know why they felt the need to end the popsicle right under his bulge, and I want even more to know why they gave it a bulge in the first place. I mean, I guess at that point I could ask “Why even make a popsicle version of David Hasselhoff in the first place?” but I think there is a line somewhere between a Hoffsicle and a Hoffsicle with a package, and they crossed that line unneccessarily.

  15. This is just confusing.

  16. This is not really on point but, I bought pop cycle plastic molds at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a few days ago and everyday since I’ve had raspberry lemonade popcycles after work! Seriously the best way to beat this horrid humid heat.

  17. Vanilla Ice sort of did this in 1990.

    • Sort of did what, make David Hasselhoff popsicles? Or were there Vanilla Ice popsicles? And if so, did they taste like vanilla? Because that would make a little more sense.

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