courtney_stodden

A woman named Courtney Stodden is in the “news” today (sorry, pretty sure I’m using the word “news” correctly but I don’t have time to look it up, I’m too busy signing up for the Billy Bush Fan Club) because she married 51-year-old Lost actor, Doug Hutchinson. (He played Horace on Lost. He was also in The Green Mile, which is terrible.) The reason this is in the “news” (excuse me, “important news”) because while he is 51, she is only 16. Yikes! I did not even know you were allowed to do that! Anyway, congratulations to both of them, I’m sure. It sounds like everyone is making very smart decisions. Of course, because Courtney Stodden is in the news now (this post was written by Brian Williams), people have done some digging, and wouldn’t you know, Courtney Stodden has a YouTube page, and a six-minute anti-bullying video she posted. Now, before we watch this video, let’s all agree that bullying is terrible and that we are all against bullying and that anything that anyone does to try and help end bullying is good and valuable or at the very least comes down on the correct side of the issue and should be welcomed and applauded. With the possible exception of this video. Holy moly!

Well, on the plus side, a 16-year-old woman who looks like she is 45 and claims to be a recording artist and just married a 51-year-old actor from the Dharma Initiative would never be the target of Internet ridicule in the first place, but now that she’s posted a video against Internet ridicule, she’s UNTOUCHABLE. (Oh boy.) Seriously, what gypsy did she make a carnival deal with so that she can legally say she is 16 because uh that face and also why does she think that her spot-on 1994 Valley Girl impersonation is going to have any effect whatsoever on the bullying epidemic with her YouTube video and also I really didn’t know you could get married that young and it grosses me out big time and also I hate everything about all of this and also this is Jake Fogelnest’s fault and also goodnight!

Comments (78)
  1. “Yawn. Call me when she’s underaged AND his cousin.” — Jerry Lee Lewis

  2. I believe her when she says everything about her is rill

  3. I’m also an inspiring actress.

  4. “I’m an inspiring actress” ……

  5. She’s an “upcoming” recording artist and an “inspiring” actress. She is not, however, the owner of a dictionary.

  6. Damn! I lost that one. Eh.

  7. so do we blame this on factory farm meat hormones or progeria? because I am 28 and going grey and she looks at least like my big sister?

  8. Is it just me or is there something uncomfortably fatalistic about some of these campaigns that focused more on helping the bullied cope (like this one or the It Gets Better campaign)?

  9. This post is totally [sic], Gabe.

  10. Why’s she bullying the chick with fake boobs?

  11. I like the way she lists (2:15) how Real she is – “My Breasts are real. Everything about me is real. My hair is real, my teeth are real, my eyelashes are real, uhh, my breasts are totally real, believe it or not, but they are.” Breasts are double real. Check.

    Also, “Why are you doing this, you’re hurting people. You’re hurting our eyes and our brains”
    So True Courtney. Very Meta.

  12. Wow. I’m made very uncomfortable all of this. There are no winners here.

  13. Wait, you can marry 16 year olds?

    Wait, you would want to marry a 16 year old?

    Hope you enjoy your Brokencyde/T Mills mixtape of a wedding there, Horace.

  14. This is the longest “The More You Know” that I’ve ever seen.

  15. I believe, depending on the state, one can marry before 18 if the teenager(s) have parental consent (or are emancipated, I think?).

    • You are right, which meanswe have a new odds-on favorite for the coveted “Parents of the Year” award.

    • GAAAH! I just did some internet research on this (good use of time, lbt! – my boss), and I am worried about New HampshireL

      The law is complicated in New Hampshire. Individuals under the age of 18 may not marry in New Hampshire without parental approval and a judicial waiver. Brides must be at least 13 years of age and grooms must be at least 14 years of age before their parents can apply for a judicial waiver.

      New Hampshire, you may want to rethink this.

      • MTV had a short lived show about couples who were getting married while they were both underaged. There were a lot of conservative and deeply religious couples who were on it.

        sidenote – I have noticed in my own life that the conservative people I know tended to marry off earlier in life than the liberal people. I’m not going to put forward any sort of guess at why, but it’s interesting none the less.

      • New Hampshire’s “landmark” was a rock formation that kind of looked like a face if you were standing at the right angle that fell down 10 years ago. They make lots of poor decisions.

  16. I hate you, Jake Fogelnest.

  17. So I can marry a sixteen-year-old in y’alls country? Look out, kid who plays Luke on Modern Family! I’ma comin’ for ya in a few years.

  18. Her mom says her boobs are real, so they’re real. A mother cannot lie.

  19. This video is like a Mad TV sketch. Who taught her how to talk/read/look into a camera? Tara Reid on Valium?

  20. I wish she and I could trade places and I’d move to the beach community where no one would care that my dad is a garbage man and my brother went crazy after he came back from the army and where no one would bother me about my thrift store clothes,

    and she could go to PS 166 and flirt with Mr. Harwell and all the boys would love her for her real boobies and her lilting mellifluous tones.

  21. go away, person on my internet

  22. Has everyone watched Don’t Put It On Me, her “song” that inspired this video?

    http://youtu.be/dOrD5kqyov0

    Ugggggh.

  23. The most offensive part of this video is how she is basically just responding to hate mail and defending her public image, while presenting it as part of a selfless anti-bullying initiative. Gross.

  24. Ready for this one? It’s a good’n:

    “I bet Percy didn’t forget to wet HER sponge.”

    *bows.

  25. Am I the only one who thinks she is kind of a genius? Her willingness to repeat the comments made about her verbatim, and then to fish for more comments during her sign-off, all while being so singularly grating means she will never, ever, ever, ever be out of content. She will have nasty comment board messages to repeat and self-righteously respond to in youtube videos until literally the end of time. As an aspiring receiver of lots of attention, she has come startlingly close to inventing the internet equivalent of a perpetual motion machine.

    I am in awe of her ingenuity, honestly.

  26. Nice catch, Horace!

  27. I know everyones reaction to the news of Hutchinson and the 16 year old’s marriage is “is this even legal?” but seriously what the fuck this is legal? How is this okay. I understand her parents gave her consent (“my parents are s0 chill guyz no worries”) but isnt this like legalized pedophilia. The man is 4 years older than her father. I am highly disturbed right now.

    • It’s cool cause the parents signed a paper saying TV’s Horace can statutory rape their daughter.

      • Thats so fucked up. If 16 year olds cant vote or drink they shouldnt be allowed to marry either. for the past hour i just had a fight with a friend over the logistics of this whole thing, and maybe the different between 12 and 16 is a lot to some people. but 16 year olds are actually borderline the same, just as stupid but with even more raging harmones.

        • No one should be allowed to marry until they are 25 and their frontal lobes are fully developed, so that they have the best shot at not making a horrible decision that they could possibly make. I feel the same way about driving – and so must insurance companies. I would formally like to propose a mandatory underage marriage insurance, to help cover future divorce costs. Or if we are going have laws that support selling our children as sex slaves, then we should at least do it right – and tax the crap out of it (Don’t you give me that look, it will create jobs).

    • Surely you don’t believe this woman is actually 16? She’s 30 if she’s a day. I simply can’t get worked up about her and Percy Wetmore, because this whole thing seems like a silly publicity stunt. He may indeed be a pedo pervert, but it’s not because of this.

  28. Let’s all agree to forget this meme ever happened and just move on with our lives. Or we could predict Jay Leno’ jokes. “Did ya hear about the 51-year-old entertainer who married the 16-year-old? Oh man, if only Michael Jackson was still alive!” (I dunno. I’m not a joke writer. sorry).

  29. You guys, I had a crush on Doug Hutchison (note: he gets so mad when people put an n in his last name! That is a different name! His name is not Hutchinson it’s Hutchison! He likes that to be clear) when I was 16 and I read his website all the time and I emailed him* and he replied to it in a very friendly and flattering manner. I see now that I MISSED MY CHANCE AT MARRYING HIM :( :(:(. But we would probably be divorced by now because this was ten years ago, so as you can imagine I am super old now (though I still look younger than his actual childbride, so God Only Knows, right?)

    *It took me so many drafts before I felt it was worthy to send him, I was worried about sounding obsessive and immature, which in hindsight probably would have gotten me his number.

  30. At 3:33 she stutters on the words “mental dis-, dis-a-bility.” This video teaches many things*, but for me, that was the big takeaway.

    *This video does not teach many things

  31. This public service message actually tilts all the way over into cyber bullying. META!

  32. I demand to see her long-form birth certificate!

  33. Inspiring actresses since 2011

  34. First of all, bullying is a pandemic not an epidemic, you frosted flake.

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