It has been almost two years since young Falcon Heene climbed into a magical space balloon and soared into the collective imagination just kidding. He didn’t! He was in the attic, or whatever! As you may recall, it was his parents’s idea to pull a giant hoax as some kind of publicity for, like, a reality show that they wanted to pitch? About children going missing in space balloons? I have no idea. I know they went to jail, but things get foggy after that. The reason, of course, that the details of their plan are unclear is because their plan never made any sense. And the reason it never made any sense is because the two of them, or at least Papa Heene, is a legit certified coconut. Uh, Richard Heene’s Psyience Detectives? Trying to sell the original balloon for a million dollars? His self-published humor book about driving? He also wanted to make a (different from the balloon reality show) reality show about boxes? BOXES! And, of course, there is the Bear Scratch.

Well, Richard Heene has a new invention to promote, even though he must be rolling in that Bear Scratch $$$, with another INSANE self-produced infomerical (after the jump), and again we are plunged into the fogs of confusion over what in the hell Richard Heene even thinks is going on.

Like, that invention is fine? Sure! I bet it is hard to lift all the boulders into your truck when it’s time to move the boulders. But you know what is not fine? Richard Heene! Not just the yelling, but also the weird insistence that his name has some kind of brand recognition that is going to help move units for his truck robot? No. But also mostly just the yelling. Is there a doctor in the blog? Because the man needs a doctor. And I have a feeling a blog doctor is all he could afford. The rest of the family’s savings went into the metal-work required to die cut the words HEENELIFTING to weld onto the top of this machine.

“What do you MEAN you’re sold out of the HEENELIFTINGERS?”
-Someone in Richard Heene’s imagination

Poor Falcon. Always poor Falcon.

Comments (41)
  1. Guys, I am proud to announce that just 1 hour ago I passed my insurance licensing exam. So I am now officially authorized to tell you that in the insurance industry, Richard Heene would be considered a TERRIBLE PERSON.

  2. ‘Psyience Detectives’, huh? I’m pretty sure they could have gone with an even more ridiculous title, spelling-wise. ‘CSI:ence D:TEK Tive Initiativez’ anyone? I’d watch that. I WOULD WATCH THAT.

  3. Just because you talk like BIlly Mays doesn’t mean we’ll love you like we loved him
    RIP Billy Mays

  4. This man knows nothing about marketing. Why did he wait till the end to start humping it?

  5. More like Heene doody, right? Right.

  6. Isn’t this asshole still on probation? I hope the judge see this and sends him back to jail for doing burnouts in the parking lot.

  7. Another Get Rich Dick scheme, amirite?

  8. I did a little investigative work and I have to say, Gabe definitely buried the lede. Not only is the Heeneduty Truck TransFormer priced from $13,639.68 to $17,333.76, BUT ALSO:

    • And can I say how much I love those prices? Like I know almost nothing about selling truck robots, I’m sure $13,639.68 is a perfectly reasonable price for a robot that puts stuff in your pickup truck and also doubles as a picnic table (?), but maybe you could have just rounded up to $13,640? I don’t think the consumer will be missing those thirty-two cents.

    • I’ve got a bad feeling that the autograph could well be written with a bodily fluid.

  9. I might be going out on a limb here, but I think that his kids are totally fucked. @cps

  10. Looks like someone needs like, infinity sessions with Dr. Birdie.

  11. Guys, the name of his publishing company (the one he used to publish his driving humor book), is called “Dick Weenie Productions.” Seriously.

  12. It’s a little known fact that Thomas Edison used to hump all his inventions too.

  13. The Heenes are seriously my sister and her husband in couple of years. They are always trying new things to get rich fast. They are like the Heenes but with a bit more dirty hippie.

    • I used to work at a photo lab. My boss at the photo lab always had a hare-brained scheme that would undoubtedly put him on the Gravy Train to Money City. One of his big ideas was affixing a camera to a balloon so that contractors could take aerial photographs of their build sites. I was all 1) what? and 2) I’m trying to print out these bridal photos why don’t you help me with that instead of working on your garbage balloon. Long story short the photo lab went belly-up about a year after I started working there.

  14. Couldn’t help but notice all the quick-cuts, clearly from editing out all the times that deathtrap collapsed on him. By the time he got to the picnic table, I was waiting for it to collapse and cut both of those kids right the fuck in half.

  15. Am I the only who laughed heartily at the fact that he couldn’t even pick up that chick?

  16. All the best inventions are elegantly simple. Like this. Just like this.

  17. “What’s wrong with that male nurse? Why is he running at me and shouting? I’m frightened.” – My Initial Reaction

  18. Can we please please please please give this man a television show? No one wants or deserves it more.

  19. “Zoomer technology.” Wait, so did he kill his dog and put it’s brain in this?

  20. Is this the manic phase of Bipolar Disorder we are witnessing?

  21. Hahahaha. Yes, way to trademark Transformer.

  22. Spelling!

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