Dear Vancouver,

Apparently something happened in your sports yesterday? Hard to tell. I’m not a big sports-head, but even down here in my nerd-hole, I’ve sensed the rumblings from above. Oh no! Something something sports! I am so sorry. All of our thoughts and prayers are with Canadian sports during this difficult time. But please, Vancouver, what is this all about?:

Relax! It is the middle of the day! You are all being a bunch of maniacs. Literally. You’re acting like HBO didn’t pick up Game of Thrones for a second season, when in reality, HBO picked up Game of Thrones after one episode! So put down the raw-edged pieces of metal you are hitting that over-turned car with! For the record, I have my suspicions, but I’m just going to assume you found the car turned over like that and in a brief fit of lunacy you decided to start hitting it with stuff and kicking it because you were so bothered by the sports, but the car itself you found like that and you did not actually do that to the car, let’s just say this, because the alternative is almost too nuts.

Is there someone who can come pick you up? I don’t think you should be alone right now. (I also don’t think you should be together right now.) Put a wet towel over your eyes. Feel the worries of the day slipping away. Shhhhhh. Now you are so relaxed. Hardly even thinking about the thing that happened, whatever it was, in the sports. I’m sorry, I know, I’m sorry I said the word “sports.” I recognize that even that can make you run screaming into a cloud of tear gas, reaching out with your scraped knuckle hands, hoping to grab onto something that you can kill and shred. Hush now. Hush, Vancouver. Remember your socialized medical system. Remember your belief in peace and civility. Remember your rivers and natural bounty. Shhhhh.

That’s better. I mean, who did you think you were? Me? You’re acting an awful lot like me.
Love,
America.

Comments (115)
  1. Yeah, but you shoulda heard what the car said to those fans, it totally deserved it.

    • Yeah. And while I’m TOTALLY NOT blaming the car, I wonder when cars are going to get the message that they shouldn’t look slutty and park in that kind of area at that time of day.

      • I love this comment so much.

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          ————-i was very surprised this wasn’t boston. i guess boston sports riots are pretty much old news.

  2. Man, they took it pretty hard that Lebron James didn’t choose their team.

  3. Y’all butthurt.

  4. Also Gabe, timezones and latitude: it’s not the middle of the day, it’s at least 8pm in this video, they just have more daylight because they are farther north!

    • Yeah, the rioting didn’t start until around 7 o’clock, and it didn’t get really nuts until like 9.
      At 7, they had smashed the front of a BMO (that’s Bank of Montreal for you yanks,) but nobody was looting or anything yet. It really looked like the cops had it under control at that point. I was like, “Oh, good. People are going to start going home now.” but then all those cars got set on fire and those people were carrying that smart car and there was one guy who stole a canister of tear gas from the cops.

      I tried to play off the mob mentality and start a chant of “Show Some Respect” but it didn’t work.

  5. So are these riots because their team lost? Or are these those riots that happen because their team won?

  6. Have a Labatt’s!

    Feel better!

  7. I feel really bad for the car owner. That is really all I am taking away from this. Vancouver, I hope you are all right, but I feel confident in saying that riots scare the piss out of me.* Vancouver, is destroying your city going to make you feel better or whatever? No! No it will not!

    *not literally, but almost. There was a riot at my college after they won a Hockey Championship and I hid behind my friend the entire time and wished desperately for my teddy bear.

  8. Listen up, Canadians. You’re doing it wrong. Property crimes are for when you WIN things. When you lose, it’s hobo* stabbing time.

    *what Tracy Morgan meant to say

  9. Relax, technovancouver.

  10. I was really hoping this would end with Mounties riding in to save the day.

  11. I love how some people, when the rioting starts, don capes. It would feel weird if they didn’t, you know?

  12. Unrelated to this: Is anyone else seeing the banner ad advertising a chance to win a custom Blink-182 Honda Civic? Because, HAHAHAHAHA. I would enter, but I’m perfectly happy with my Good Charlotte Kia Sorrento, thanks.

  13. Has anyone thought that maybe the car deserved it? I mean it was a sub-compact.

    • That’s discrimination, asshole. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling us that you’d stab your son if you ever caught him driving a sub-compact.

      • I am sorry….I am meeting with leaders of the sub-compact community as we speak.

        • I went to a hockey riot in Vancouver and I’ve never seen so many subcompact cars in one place in Vancouver before. Not saying I have a problem with subcompact cars or that any of them (you know who you are) should feel bad, but it’s just something I laughed at inwardly and wanted to share.

  14. Listen Vancouver, I’m going to have to ask you to relax. Put your jerseys back on and CHILL OUT.

  15. Dear Vancouver,

    Worrying my girlfriend who is staying in a hotel with you is not cool.

    However, I heard you guys looted a Staples, so you still kept your sense of humour.

    Love,
    Random British Guy

  16. I think this was all a big misunderstanding. The rioting was about the LOVE.

  17. I can never understand the thought process that goes into the creation of a riot.

    Like does one person go, “You know what this town needs: random acts of destruction.” And then another is like, “Quite astute observation. I agree.” Eventually, people just happen to be around and think, “This is exactly what I wanted to do. I just walked by and people we’re destroying this car and I knew this is what I wanted.”

    I guess my point is, when do I get to unlock my hidden rage and still be accepted by a group of people (not normally criminals)?

  18. Well, at least the long in gestation “Gathering of the Juggalos Northwest: Ninjas in the Great White North” festival has found a suitable host city.

  19. Vancouver, the Los Angeles of Canada.

  20. Ok…. so I have now wasted a good 45 minutes watching Vancouver riot videos. The one above is the tip of the iceberg. I like this one. It involves a BMW in flames (with the car alarm going off lol) and a drunk to trying to jump over the car…. needless to say there is hilarious/ horrific results.

    http://youtu.be/KR8rpXsuy6E

  21. I dont know what’s up with canada.. they have a very weird anarchic radical-left political element going on up there. Remember the Toronto G8 riots last summer? And there were large protests and riots in Vancouver leading up to the Olympics.

    I think maybe when everything’s nice and youve got good healthcare and everyone’s friendly all the time, people will take any excuse to blow off some steam, and those people who are naturally inclined to be dissatisfied with government have to turn go extremely radical to be heard at all.
    Dont know what my point is.. canada is weird you guys.

    • The G20 Riots were largely in response to shit like this:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQylP5i3zyg

      Not trying to excuse the violence, but we tend to get pretty angry about people trampling our civil liberties.

      • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

        • There’s a big different between a riot and a protest. A riot is like the post-game craziness in the video above, but our “anarchic radical-left political” activities are mostly protests. The G20 protests were to fight for civil liberties and the Olympic protests were because the Games were using Native land without permission (i.e., trespassing). I think those are both worthwhile causes and hardly radical or anarchic.

          • Yeah I’m not saying they arn’t worthwhile causes. I fully support the sentiment if not the methods. The NATURE of the protests clearly had an anarchic element.. burning of cop cars, smashing storefronts, looting etc. They definitely wern’t all peaceful protesters getting chased by the meany cops. I know most protests anywhere in the world will tend to attract that particular type of violent radicalism, I’m just saying I think there’s a particular tendency towards that in recent canadian protests. And perhaps it’s less about the issue at hand and more about just wanting to break shit, whether its about hockey or politics.

            http://videogum.com/196232/the-worlds-best-g20-protester/news/

        • Hi Tizzdogg,

          It’s me, Monsterbeard. It looks like you’re getting downvoted a bit and I think I can explain. You see, you’re making negative remarks with a broad generalization about an entire country. I assure you, there is a segment of the Canadian population that is probably eager to “start shit” and probably an even smaller segment of the Canadian population who are, in fact, college sophomores having just discovered Marx.

          However, riots happen everywhere. They happen in Europe over soccer (ahem “football”) matches, and they even happen in the United States, as orderly as we are. The LA Lakers fans rioted when they WON a championship. So it is not actually a “self-righteous anarchic streak” (this, I think, is your most dickish statement) as much as it is drunk fans becoming unruly because they are drunk and dumb. And G8 or G20 riots are probably started by a mixture of alcohol, anger over specific issues, and YES, even a small minority of anarchists, fueled by coming into contact with an increasingly aggressive/defensive police force both fearing for their own safety and instructed to keep order at all costs.

          I hope this helps. My main point is that rioting/anger/breaking shit is in no way unique or exemplar of the Canadian people or any other people.

          All my love,
          Monsterbeard.

          • And my main point (admittedly poorly articulated and not very deep) was that rioting/anger/breaking shit is a stupid thing to do and is not justified whether you have a well thought out political point to make, as with the G20, or you’re just angry about your hockey. It’s usually just about wanting to break stuff.
            Also that this rioting does not mesh with the typical American image of friendly happy Canadians, which I acknowledged is a total stereotype, and clearly not actually what every Canadian is like. But these riots have been some of the major Canadian news stories in the US in the past few years so that aspect of canadian society is getting more noticed.

            I live in the US but actually did spend a while in Vancouver last year in the run-up to the Olympics, and I do think the protests that happened there had a much more prevalent militant anarchic element than in most protests. it wasn’t all about the first nations and the clearing of the homeless off the streets. Of course anarchists are always present at any big progressive protest, but the attitude in vancouver was different to me, so subjectively that’s the experience I’m coming from.

            I’m sorry to make sweeping generalizations though. My original comment was supposed to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek because um, obviously riots happen everywhere and not just Canada? And obviously not every Canadian is a radical anarchist? I feel like that’s pretty generally understood. But thank you Monsterbeard, for clearing it all up for anyone who was confused. I feel not at all patronized.

            So I’ll amend my sweeping generalization about all canadians being radical anarchists to: all canadians are radical overly-sensitive downvoters.

            DO YOU KNOW HOW EDUCATED I AM??

  22. I would like to dedicate this post to every Vancouverite who’s been a total dick to me once they found out I was from Toronto.

    Therefore:

    “Is that the SkyTrain on your shirt!?…Oh, it’s a TTC shirt?…Okay, then…Well, we’re gonna the Cup tonight. Whaddya think about that?” Guy can suck it.

    “I hate Toronto. There’s so much traffic. Not like Vancouver.” Guy can suck it.

    And everyone who said “How can you cheer for Boston? Vancouver is Canada’s team.” can, once again, suck it.

    Oh, Vancouver. You’re such a great city. Why you gotta hate?

    • Vancouver: We build highways to specifically avoid where the majority of people need to be
      Toronto: We build highways to specifically inhibit where the majority of people need to be.

      Pros and cons, my friend.

    • If it makes you feel better everyone else in Canada hates Vancouver and Toronto equally.

    • “Where you from?”
      “Ontario”
      “Ugh, not Toronto I hope.”
      “Oh, Is this the an example polite hospitality that everyone from BC tells me they’re known for?”

      So many times I’ve had that conversation. Fucking hippies.

    • I simply agree Miss. Blue Stockings!

      Why we all gotta hate on each other my fellow Canadian monsters!? Can’t we just be nice to each other or whatever? Yes this is VERY DUMB OF YOU VANCOUVER – DUMB BAD MOVE! but at the same time next time I meet someone from your city I wont be judgy and mean. Because love? I dunno where I’m going with this… but yeah.

      ps. Yes I’m from Toronto and I’m cooler than you.

  23. Can I just say that even talking about hockey in the slightest sense on Videogum makes me happy? I love it. Of course, I’m a Bruins fan so I’m just happy in general, but still. Yay!!!

    But yeah, rioting, what’s up with that guys? Bostonians would NEVER riot ever.

  24. “Oh, that’s cute.” – Montreal (rioted after they beat the Bruines IN THE FIRST ROUND)

  25. Hey y’all, first time commenter here, long-time reader, love your show, etc etc.

    I’m a Calgary Monster and I was having a great time watching the game. Then shit started burning, windows were getting smashed, port-o-potties were overturned, and police moved in. Roommate and I turned off the TV because it stopped looking like Vancouver and more like a scene from some developing county.

  26. “We loosened it for you.” -Atlanta

  27. That rioting you hear is the sound of thousands of fans jumping off the bandwagon.

  28. Or, is he climaxing while making love to a phoenix (coyote)?

  29. As a non-commenting, Vancouverite monster, I can’t help but throw my hat in the ring on this one, special occasion…

    Number one, regardless of what YT and the news say and show, last night was NOT a riot. Not even close. Beyond two (?) torched cars, and some broken windows, everything’s fine. I went downtown this morning, you’d barely know anything happened. There’ve been no reported deaths (as if that’s some big accomplishment), and I haven’t met a SINGLE person that doesn’t condemn the small amount of violence present after the game.

    Which leads me to what tizzdogg was saying. When you see videos of cars on fire from last night, it’s hard to see that the guys inciting the violence were all bandana-faced punks, who came out of the woodworks at the sound of shit that needed disturbing. One of the few real drawbacks to living in such a progressive city, and province, is that we have a small but vocal minority of straight up anarchists, that love events like this (or the Olympics, or, to a much lesser extent, the G20), to try to whip crowds into frenzies for no real reason. They’re the ones who were flipping cars last night, the drunk guys from Surrey just danced on them.

    Also, quick aside to fargum: you’re right about the Olympic protests being about Native land… but honestly, that’s only because the protest movement kinda got hijacked by that talking point. The black block rallied behind that criticism of the games as their rationale for “Downtown Heart Attack”, and drowned out the legitimate, peaceful protest movement that attacked the games on behalf of the underfunded low-income housing market.

    But back to last night. That one car set on fire, the Prius, that was at ground zero for watching the game in public. The screens set up outside the CBC were at either end of the intersection all the video was taken at. All the smashed windows happen going back up that same road, Georgia, and only go as far as the Bay, which is three blocks from Hamilton (the car). So, like I say, not really a riot. I remember as little as five years ago when the yearly fireworks always came with a stabbing or two, and something set on fire, and this wasn’t even as bad as they used to be.

    What can I say. I’m not saying shit didn’t go down, or that it wasn’t despicable… I just hate having my by-and-large peaceful city SO tarnished by like, a dozen guys and a news chopper.

    • Counterpoint:

      Also, this

      (and your torched car estimate is off by about thirteen)

    • Upvote because you made a lot of legitimate points and because Vancouver is an awesome city.

      But you can’t ignore that this was more wide spread than your average post-championship game riot. 150 had to stay overnight in hospitals. 100 people arrested. Videos floating around of people getting straight up assaulted for defending property. Certainly not the whole of downtown in flames, but a pretty ugly evening all the same.

    • I read this after posting my combative response above, but yes thank you for this. That’s what I was trying to get at but was unable to communicate clearly. That due to the generally progressive nature of Canada there is a definite anarchic subculture that just wants to start shit. I think that’s partially a good thing, because the presence of those groups indicates a general openness and cultural diversity that will tolerate anything. But it’s also a bad thing because I think the idea of anarchism as a means to achieve any political end is extremely naive and self-defeating. That’s what I meant when I said it seems like Canada is all a bunch of college sophomores. That’s what anarchists remind me of.

      Admittedly my main experience of Canada has been in Vancouver, so maybe it’s just confined to that city, but I’m glad I’m not totally crazy here.

  30. I’m super late to the party. Still, I’d like to point out that Vancouver might be “Canada’s team” or whatever, but the Bruins technically have more Canadian players. So… chill out, Vancouver? We’re still pretty good at hockey!

  31. “We’ll go in a second, love. I’ll just finish me pint.”

  32. The aftermath to the riots has been pretty interesting and — dare I say it? — heartwarming:
    1. Volunteers started cleaning up all of the crap and garbage left on the street.

    2. Some stores had their windows smashed and their goods looted (The Bay in particular) and now people are going to the boarded up windows and COVERING them with notes of apology and thanks to the police and volunteers.

    3. A police car was covered in post-it notes from people thanking the police for trying hard and putting up with the rioters.

    4. The police website has crashed because so many people are sending in tips to ID rioters. People are sending in photos and videos they took, names, etc. News reports say that 1 guy already got canned by his boss because he was identified as a rioter.

    In other words, locals here are pretty unimpressed by the hooligans and are doing something about it.

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