Oh good. The studios (I just call them “the studios” because we all know what I mean: showbuzzz!) are hard at work on a sequel to last year’s Tron: Legacy. Purrrrrfect. If there is one thing that I think we all felt when watching that hunk of junk it was “I can’t wait to see what happens next.” Hopefully that dude marries the computer game or whatever? Hahhaha, remember? Oh man. How he fell in love with a computer program and then she turned into a real girl through magic and/or JPEGs? Tron: Legacy, ladies and germs. Anyway, the Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reporting today that Disney has hired a screenwriter for the sequel named David DiGilio, best known for his work on Eight Below, a movie about snow dogs starring Paul Walker (LOLOL). Sure! Look, we all have to put food on our families, and we all want to put Tron: Legacy 2 in our eyes, I’m sure. Luckily, Videogum has got its hands on an EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEEK at the new script. This thing looks amazzzzzing!
EXT. COMPUTER – NIGHT
The computer rode its techno motorcycle along the matrix. You know, for a perfect society, you would think that The Creator might have bothered himself with some CGI sunlight or something. It is a little grim. Suddenly, ANOTHER MOTORCYCLE! It was a videogame race, except that this videogame has FATAL CONSEQUENCES. Well, not really. Wait, does it? It’s just a videogame. Anyway race race race. It looks pretty neat. One of the computers pulls off his helmet:
You’ll never get my JPEGs!
On the screen the words flash: FINISH HIM! The other computer smashes his computer motorcycle into the first computer motorcycle and it explodes into megabytes. The second computer takes off its computer helmet and looks down at its computer victim. But it’s not a computer at all. It’s our hero: Sammy.
INT. COMPUTER MANSION – NIGHT
Sammy’s computer girlfriend steps out of the computer hot tub. Why do computers need hot tubs? Why do computers need mansions? [Studio note: Please draft a 45 minute scene in which one character gives a dry and incredibly complicated expository explanation for why computers need mansions.] Sammy and his computer girlfriend JACK each other’s MAINFRAMES to ecstasy. Then they sit down to dinner on the set of a Jamiroquai video.
Uh oh, the hackers are coming.
Bio digital jazz, girlfriend.
The hackers burst in the door (why do computers need doors?)!
OH NO I HAVE BEEN HACKED!
Get your filthy computers off my computer girlfriend.
The Hackers hack into his girlfriend and make her go viral. Sammy only has two hours left to get to the portal. Quick, get on the computer train that goes directly from the center of the computer to the portal! Oh wait, now he’s at the portal. That was easy enough. He hits the shut down button. Now they are married? The Chemical Brothers.