Shoooooo-oooooooooot! Get it? You get it. Because of that one guy on the show! But now for children! In classic “it’s the 90s” style of the Internet, someone has reimagineered The Wire as a 1970s Hanna-Barbera cartoon, because nostalgia is king. At a certain point the government is just going to enforce a United States Uniform that is going to be, like, a greaser hairdo, a grunge flannel shirt, disco bellbottom jeans, rollerblades, and some Olivia Newton John workout sweatbands and everyone’s going to wear that as we slink into our cultural graves. Look, this drawing is cute! I’m not saying that it isn’t cute. I’m just saying that at a certain point–if we didn’t already pass the point years ago–the charm of making things look like other things is going to wear off, and my fear is that we won’t be left with much of anything. In the past, artists strove to create something new that spoke specifically to the times in which they lived, and I know that this is just a funtimes goof-em-up on the Internet but I do think it’s kind of demonstrative of the pop cultural echo-chamber we currently find ourselves in. Even one of the quote-unquote “more original” artists we have today, Lady Gaga, clearly just wants to be Madonna. I’m not saying that people in the past didn’t borrow from those who came before them, of course they did! Always, throughout all time! But it feels worse now. It actually feels dangerous now. And it’s not, I don’t think, just because I am old and don’t get what people are trying to do. If anything it’s because I am old and I get what they are trying to do all too well! LOLOLOL JK WHO CARES BING BONG INTERNET WEAK.

That being said, coming up with CHILD APPROPRIATE The Wire captions is a perfectly good way to honor The Arts. Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. My comment is my motherfudging comment! (Image via GorillaMask.)

Comments (77)
  1. No doubt to be followed by the successful spin-off, Baby Booking.

  2. Remember kids, stay in school and don’t eat scooby snacks

  3. Where in the heck is Wallace, String? Where in the heck is Wallace?

  4. “What the zoinks did I do?”

  5. Remember kids, it’s important to include others, like my good friend Snot Boogie here!

  6. And I would have gotten away with it too! If it wasn’t for you meddling motherfuckers!

  7. Can’t wait for Season 3, when they go to Hamtarodam!

  8. That drawing of Mcnulty looks like Anthony Weiner. “Most def NOT appropriate for a kids cartoon, yo.” – the younger Barksdale

  9. “Jane! Get me off this crazy cycle where the institutions we’ve put in place to protect us systematically fail and the city where our families have lived for generations dies a slow lumbering death.”

  10. This is probably a good a place as any to say “I was wrong.”

    A couple months back I said in the comments that I didn’t think The Wire was the greatest television drama of all time. I had seen Seasons 1-3 up to that time, and I had read someone say that Season 3 was the best of the show. If that was the best, then it was a very good show but it wasn’t the best of all time. Mad Men S. 1, Breaking Bad S. 1, Lost S. 3, even Dexter S.4–I would stack those as being as good or arguably better than any of Seasons 1-3 of The Wire.

    But then I saw Season 4. Season 4 added all the things I liked about the show (depth, versimilitude, lack of cliches, real-life issues) and got rid of everything that exasperated me (unengaging narratives, unsubtle didacticism) about the show. Season 4 is simply the best dramatic season of television of all time.

    If you haven’t watched The Wire, my advice is to start with Season 4 and go back to the others. At least you’ll have watched the best season of dramatic television.

    • Counterpoint: please just watch them in order like you’re supposed to.

      • Patrick M. You earnt that upvote.

      • Aw shit, Patrick M and werttrew goin at it.

        Shit just got real.

        (and Pat’s right)

      • If you’re pre-committed to watching all five seasons, sure. My advice was really for those who are hesitant about committing ~65 hours of their viewing time to the entire series.

        The Wire is the epitome of the “slow build” show. The first half of Season 1 is very slow, and several folks have told me that they gave up on the show after a few episodes because it was so very slow.

        So for the hesitant neophyte, the one who wants to “test the waters” first, start with Season 4. Season 4 is the strongest season and the most accessible season.

        • Ziggy Sobotka: single greatest character in the history of dramatic television.

          Wait, no, don’t downvote me! I was kiddi– [static]

        • Buuuut even if you think Season 4 is the best dramatic season of all time (which, clearly you’re choosing to ignore the “Grady” season of “Sanford and Son”), it’s because the series’ work on you is a cumulative poison. Plus: you’re taking away the curve ball that it’s (largely) about the eight graders, when the curve ball is doing a lot of the heavy lifting? And but plus, just from an information-required standpoint, I don’t think you can seriously drop someone into the show at season 4 and have them have any idea what’s going on – there are other plot lines besides the school? And there are three seasons worth of character arcs for 70 other characters that you’re denying the viewer? (I think you think this is a good idea because you’re reading too many Romantic Fragment Poems; once you finish your dissertation, you’ll see I’m right.)

          But this is a dumb argument for me to make, because my real point is: these people who don’t want to commit to the show that comes up when you google “greatest tv show ever”? I don’t have time for those people!

          “I’d like to read Shakespeare but only the parts when someone calls someone else ‘nuncle’.” – those people. “I like my orgasms quick and pleasureless.” If these people actually exist, then here are a bunch of quotes on youtube. I think that’s probably their speed. Go to youtube, those people.

          But everyone else: SIT DOWN AND DO THE IMPORTANT WORK (watch a television show in order). And you know what? Maybe it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you to watch The Wire in order. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day to watch The Wire in order. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s just watching season four, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.

          • I don’t respect anyone’s opinion on Doctor Who until they’ve seen the whole original series … – Strawman McCounterpoint

            Some shows can be picked up midway through, but The Wire is short enough (and recent enough) that watching from the start shouldn’t be too daunting. Also, unlike other shows, likely didn’t radically change from season to season.

          • Bravo, well said. And I’d like to add that once you finish it all, wait 6-12 months and then watch it all again! I’m on my third time through it all and it seriously gets better each time.

    • A-thank you!! I argued with you when you said this the first time. Season 4 gives me goosebumps and as the episodes go by, a mounting sense of dread. Those poor kids – it breaks my heart every time.

  11. Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip ‘n’ Dale.

  12. “…. there you go, always giving a [hug] when it ain’t your turn”

  13. i got the squirt gun, you got the book bag. all in the game though, right?

  14. they mess up? they get time out. we mess up? they give us juice boxes.

  15. It’s all in the game for $9.95.

  16. you come at the king, you best not miss. (said during a game of four square)

  17. Stringer: This here game is more than the rep you carry, the corner you hold. You gotta be fierce, I know that, but more than that, you gotta show some flex, give and take on both sides.

    Muttley: *Wheezy Laugh*

  18. My favorite revamp was of one Howard “Bunny” Colvin, seen here enjoying a snack.

  19. “Well this sucks.”
    -All of us who still haven’t seen The Wire and wish the rest of you would just move on already.

    • Nope. We’ll continue to annoy you about it until you decide to just get over with it already and watch it but your expectations are like, “There’s no way it’s that good” and then it is and then you just feel embarrassed for waiting so long.

      It’s a very elaborate strategy.

  20. What’s weird is that so many Wire characters already have names that sound ripped from an old cartoon: Bodie, Snoop, Poot, Cutty, Cheese, Bunk, Herc, Prez, Dookie, Wee-Bey…

  21. “the game done changed…into Monopoly!”

  22. There you go again; giving a spit when it ain’t your turn to give a spit.

  23. Bunk is the only one who really looks like his character. I love me some Bunk.

  24. One of my biggest regrets is my lack of funds required to finance Monster Babies

  25. Yabba Dabba Dookie!

  26. David Simon already planned for this back in season 2:

  27. “Picnic Baskets ain’t got no owners, only eaters”

  28. Jane, stop this crazy thing…called the drug war

  29. “Roo rum at the Ring, roo rest rot riss” – Astr-Omar

  30. I’ll get you Avon Barksdale – if it’s the last thing I do!

  31. “Fruity Pebbles don’t have owners, only spenders”

  32. “I’m smarter than the average drug dealer” – Stringer Bear

  33. “Heavens to Murgatroid! He’s gettin’ away with the skag! The junk, even! Hark–or is it herk?–I hear the yonder warble of a police siren! An alarm, even! They’ll surely assist me with those ne’er-do-wells. Tsk, tsk! For shame!”

  34. “They gon’ get groovy – you gon’ get got *horns*”

  35. I’m still hoping for the Baltimore Police Department in Space series.

  36. I really hope this doesn’t air ON A SUNDAY MORNING!

  37. McNulty: Fudge
    Bunk: Fudge
    McNulty: Fudge. Fudge fudge fudge.
    Bunk: Fuuuuuuuuudge.
    McNulty: Fudge fudge.
    Bunk: Mother-fudger.

  38. Kids used to call me Hanna Barbera in elementary school and not in a nice way. Clearly, I’m over it. #goodstorynerd

  39. Bunk: Are ya happy now, ya fish

  40. Darnell, where’s my scoobie snacks? [Brother Mouzone reference!]

  41. You don’t get to win, varmints! We do!

  42. Like, hey gang! Omar comin’, y’all! L-L-Let’s get o-o-o-outta here!! [clangity clangity clangity shooooo]

  43. “Omar comin’”

    “Ruh roh”

  44. Well, I guess Cheese was wrong. There clearly is nostalgia to this shit here.

  45. “Remember kids, skip the turkey grease!”

  46. All the Lego pieces matter.

  47. The Wire, brought to you by Honey Nut Cheerios!
    … Wait, we’re out of Honey Nut?!

  48. i dont know why lt. daniels isnt just played by Skeletor with shoe polish on his dome. srsly, black skeletor.

  49. The worst part would be the Hoyt Curtin version of Way Down in the Hole.

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