POGS, ARE YOU SITTING DOWN YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT DOWN YOU AREN’T GOING TO BELIVE THIS THERE IS FINALLY A TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN TRAILER FINALLY, LIKE, FOR ONCE GOD HAS APPARENTLY ACTUALLY LISTENED TO WHAT WE HAVE BEEN ASKING HER THIS WHOLE TIME AND IT WAS LIKE JEEZ, YOU KNOW, COME ON ALREADY, BUT OK, LIKE, IT’S HERE SO I GUESS IT WAS WORTH IT. IT WOULD STILL BE NICE IF GOD WOULD ALSO GET TOMMY PARNASSUS TO STOP SLIPPING NOTES INSIDE THE VENTILATION GRATE OF MY LOCKER BECAUSE I TOLD HIM I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HIM AND HIS NOTES CREEP ME OUT BUT IF I CAN ONLY GET ONE PRAYER ANSWERED THEN OBVIOUSLY IT SHOULD BE THE ONE THAT JUST WAS: TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWN AND WE WILL LEAVE THE TOMMY PARNASSUS THING FOR ANOTHER DAY, I GUUUEEEESSSSSSS. ANYWAY, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS TRAILER, U GUYZ, U R NOT! AND REMEMBER, IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH A VAMPIRE IN A WATERFALL, WEAR A VAMPIRE CONDOM. USE YOUR NOODLES!

Don’t you hate it when you receive a wedding invitation in the mail and it makes you so mad that you just have to run out of the house angrily and tear your shirt off? Save the date! Hahahhaa. That werewolf is so mad! I wasn’t joking earlier, though, when I said that if you are going to have sex with a vampire in a waterfall you should wear a vampire condom. I’m not sure what Bella is so surprised about (ugh, the fact that I just typed that out with such casual ease makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH) since apparently this movie is just 2 hours of straight BANGING. I’m pretty sure all of the wedding invitation scenes and the actual wedding itself takes exactly as long in the movie as it took in this trailer and then the rest is just banging. The pregnancy doesn’t even happen until after the credits as a little Easter egg for the superfans teaser for Very Bad Vampire Trip 2, because the banging goes on until they just fade to black.

Stay safe with your changing bodies, nerds!

Comments (42)
  1. The wedding goes great until Mike Tyson shows up to sing The Freaks Come Out At Night

  2. ive always wanted to be cordially invited to an event which will change everything

  3. I clapped, out loud, alone, when he was breaking the headboard. SORRY PARENTS. SORRY COLLEGE. SORRY DIGNITY.

  4. My liveblog reaction to this video:

    0:01 — Click play
    0:05 — *Sips coffee* Ick. This got cold. *goes to microwave in break room*
    0:06-1:55 — *microwaves coffee; gets some water at the water cooler; checks reception desk to see if clients have sent over any cupcakes or goodies (spoiler: no)*
    2:00 — Hmm. Forgot to watch this. What’s going on over at reddit?

  5. It’s kind of funny how Steffi (I’m calling her Steffi now) decided to make Bella go all Jessica Simpson with regards to the sex thing. First she kept her pure image, then after the wedding it’s all Sweetest Sin and licking her husbands hairy ass.*

    *an actual thing she said on Newlyweds. I’m hoping by sharing this with you it will finally stop haunting me, like The Ring.

    • So Bella will disappear about 3 years later after a string of mediocre movies and albums ?

    • Not really though. From what I understand Bella spends the entire series horny and tempting Vampy because of woman’s inherent whoreness or whatever. Then when they finally get married, the sex is super painful and she’s constantly covered in bruises because Edward can’t control himself, and this is even before the pregnancy of horrors. They talk about abstaining until she’s a vampire for her safety, but as far as I know, no one ever goes “maybe you could do stuff other than traditional banging to prevent the vagina destruction”. It’d be a lot healthier if they went with ass-licking alternatives for a while.

      • yeah… I didn’t actually read the books, so….

        • I read the first one, skipped the movies. I derive all my knowledge from very angry feminist blog posts.

          • I derive all my knowledge from books I have actually read (I COULDN’T LOOK AWAY, IT WAS LIKE WATCHING TWO TRAINS COLLIDING WHILE AN ATOMIC BOMB FALLS RIGHT ON TOP OF THAT COLLISION AND THEN THE WHOLE THING IS WASHED AWAY BY A TSUNAMI, OKAY), and I can confirm this is true: Bella has been wanting some of that since she first set her eyes on that pasty walking vampire corpse, but Edward is supposed to be the perfect boyfriend to a 14 yo girl and was always like, no, no sex, I don’t want to take away your purity and make you go to hell like I am going to hell, because killing a bunch of people like I did has the same weight as having premarital sex when God decides who goes to hell.

          • also, he had to avoid the whole statutory rape thing.

  6. I’ll be honest, I’d love to make fun of Twilight right now but I’m fixated on Gabe’s use of “Ventilation Grate” and I am completely distracted by the thought of teenagers talking about their locker ventilation grates.

    But maybe that’s just me! (Yes, it is)

    • After re-reading this I feel like I should say that there was not meant to be any sexual innuendo hidden in my previous text.

      Here’s a tip Monsters: don’t comment on a Monday morning with a horrible hangover
      Related Tip: Don’t dink Scotch and Dead Guy Ale in succession

    • Why do lockers have ventilation grates… Is it because nerds kept getting stuffed in them and dying from asphyxiation and they were like, “Well, we can’t stop the jocks from shoving them in, but at least we can give them a way to breath!”

  7. Silly Gabe, the pregnancy happens just after a couple of bangs and then it’s all about that. Because if God hates anything, it’s banging for pleasure and not procreation. #twilightlessons

    • and body hair #smoothestboywolvesever

    • Oh no no, there’s a lot of “dot dot dot”, inferred, *implied* banging once she SPOILER gets vamped. Fun Fact: Her baby’s first thoughts, as read by Edward, come immediately after Bella is thinking back to the violent sex of her wedding night! THIS BOOK. (*Rara goes to dot dot dot someone to offset the Victorian repression of just DISCUSSING this series.*)

    • Also, if you do IT, a baby will show up in a few days and claw out your insides and try to kill you. That’s just science.

  8. I liked how the wedding invitation was addressed to the vampires in Italy. Super authentic.

  9. I wonder if Hollywood has the balls to show the part where the vampire baby bursts out of Kristen Stewart’s stomach.

    • This is the only reason I have any interest in Twilight whatsoever, and the only reason I made it through the books. If Robert Patterson doesn’t eat that baby out of her womb, I am outta here.

  10. Someone explain to me what’s happening.

  11. I thought this was a joke. As in, the trailer itself. OMG. I can’t believe I was once a Twi-fan. *shudders*.

  12. “The best part about Part 1 is that there will be a Part 2!” — Professor Parts

  13. I know when I get married I’m totes inviting all my werewolf ex-boyfriends that are still in love with me.

    It’ll make the whole event just that much more fun!

  14. I’m so proud of my hometown for being featured in this RAD trailer. Did you see the Redeemer statue, YOU GUYS? Go Team Rio. Consider coming to Rio for your next vampire honeymoon.

    (FUN STORY: they closed down streets to film that bit where they’re dancing, except people live in those streets. Everyone who was out before they closed the perimeter wasn’t allowed to go back home later. They were forced to just hang around unless they had a document proving they lived there. People resorted to the only reasonable road of action in a situation like this: THEY STARTED SETTING SHIT ON FIRE. Consider coming to Rio for your next setting shit on fire vacation.)

  15. It must be soooo embarrassing for Robert Pattinson to have sex in real life now – what with his normal temperatured, non-sparkly penis and average amount of banging strength.

    I supposed he could just buy a ridiculous amount of chipwood headboards to make the whole thing seem authentic, but why even bother? He knows he’ll never live up to the myth.

  16. I have watched this at least five times because it is HILARIOUS and I have drank more coffee than I should today.

    ZOOM. SHIRTLESS TAYLOR LAUTNER.

  17. What’s wrong with this generation? Always splitting your last movies into two parts. In my day, you didn’t need to split your last movie into two parts!

  18. I’m kind of fussy on my werewolf FUN FACTS but i’m guessing “going to wolf speed” or whatever ruins your clothes? I mean, he didn’t just tear his shirt off to run shirtless through the rain!? In that case, does Taylor Lautner just not care about his pants?

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