This is just straight up an episode of Drunk History on Funny or Die. That’s what it is. (What do you think is Sarah Palin’s drink of choice? I think it’s either strawberry margaritas in a homophobia-rimmed glass, or shots of tobacco spit with a Bud Lite chaser, plastic bottle.) Anyway, there’s nothing you can really add to a well-done Internet comedy sketch because all the jokes are already in the video. CASE CLOSED. The end.

Oh, but also: Sarah Palin is really very dumb there I said it. (Via GotchaMedia.)

Comments (95)
  1. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  2. She forgot the “Like, such as” at the end. MINUS 5 TO GRYFFINDORK.

  3. Hey, I totally agree! And I was trying to come up with a comment that expressed that sentiment but all I could think of was “FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU” because she also makes me angry.

  4. Quart of beer – Drink of choice whenever Paul Revere is involved

  5. I think saying he was carrying a whiffle ball bat or beer that was cold would have made more sense.

    • Are you implying that her story sounded well-rehearsed?

    • I thought the horse’s name was Paul Revere? And then his posse robbed a bar? I dunno the 80s were confusing, I was always dusted.

      • I’ve listened to that song I don’t know how many times, and I still don’t understand everything that’s going on. That applies to the entire CD, really. The Beastie Boys were far more interested in knocking out kickass jams than actually constructing meaningful lyrics, but from the band that gave us the song AND the video for Sabotage, that is perfectly alright.

        • I thought it was pretty simple.

          Adrock is on a horse with some beer. He’s running from the law for sexing (raping?) the sherriff’s daughter with a wiffle ball bat (maybe the bat is his penis). MCA is dying of thirst and wants his beer and sticks him up. So they join forces and go to a bar, where they meet Mike D and rob the place, and take some ladies and brew, B-boy style.

          • I now want to hear Sarah’s explanation of that song. Her reality show should have been her just telling stories about things she thinks are history. That has to be better than Dancing with the Housewives.

          • Yes, but it’s all of the details that confuse me. Where was Horse Paul Revere when they were robbing the bank? Did they both ride the horse all the way to the bar? And if so, how did they leave? No way you can fit three dudes PLUS a couple of girlies PLUS some beer that’s cold all onto one horse. Not even Horse Paul Revere. And since they met Mike D at the bar, he must have arrived via different means of transportation. Did they all take his car and ditch the horse?

            Also, what were the circumstances when Ad Rock met MCA? Because when Ad Rock denied MCA any beer, MCA pulled out a shotgun. Was he just walking around with a concealed shotgun? How does one conceal a shotgun? Given that Ad Rock was riding a horse while holding onto what we must assume was a large quantity of beer, it is possible that this story takes place in a lawless, apocalyptic wasteland. But if that were the case, how does one explain the sheriff? Unless he is a self-imposed lawman, similar to the Duke Of New York in the John Carpenter classic, which could explain his focus on avenging his daughter’s honor, rather than arresting the man walking around with a shotgun, trying to con beer off of unassuming strangers. That still doesn’t explain what happened to the horse, though.

          • I think if there’s one thing we know after 20 years of music, it’s that character motivations and plot development aren’t the Beastie Boys’ strong point

      • I knew this entire song by heart at about the age of 12. Funny how at the time I thought I knew exactly what was going on, but I couldn’t possibly have even been close. I’m definitely confused by it as an adult.

    • Is there a more appropriate lyric for the Palin family than “The Sheriff’s after me for what I did to his daughter” ??

  6. Ah yes, one if by land, two if by ringing the bells and firing warning shots.

  7. I love how her voice gets higher as she keeps talking. You can almost hear her thoughts: “I am sooooooo fucking this story up right now. Stop talking, Sarah. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. stopstopstopstopstop….

  8. “This woman’s as stupid as Derek Jeter is gay.” -Boston

  9. This is sure to clench a promotion to Adjunct Faculty at Glenn Beck University.

  10. She was handing out AUTOGRAPHED copies of the Constitution while walking around town. There are so many things wrong with that scenario.

  11. Oh good, this is the Sarah Palin I fell in love with.

  12. The more she talks, the more the question “What the hell does she know?” becomes less rhetorical.

  13. “Which textbooks do you read?” “All of them.”

  14. At least she tried? You gotta give her some credit for not quitting halfway through her term as a person being asked a children’s book catchphrase American History question. “If you try, you win” – Don Geiss

  15. Classic liberal media, showing Sarah Palin talking at a press event she organized.

  16. Listen my children and you shall hear
    Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,

    He said to his friend, “If the British march
    By land or sea from the town to-night,
    Shoot this warning flare off
    At the McDonald’s Arch as a signal light,–
    One duck call if by land, and two slide whistles if by sea;
    And I on the opposite shore, at Best Western will be,
    Ready to ride and spread the alarm
    Through Fenway Park and the local Dress Barn
    For the country folk to be up and to arm.”

  17. You know when someone gets blackout drunk and they start telling you a story and then a sentence or two in their eyes you can see their brain sputter to a stop as if to say “Nope, fuck this, too hard.” and then they kind of finish their sentence, but not really and it definitely makes no sense and then they just slump against the couch and watch cartoons or dick around on their phone?

    This reminds me of that.

  18. Mrs Palin, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

  19. Goddamn, Paul Revere had a nice pizza oven.

  20. This is just painful. Having grown up in the Boston area, I know that it actually takes effort NOT to know the facts. There are plaques everywhere! And tours! And Ben Franklin wanders around Faneuil hall! You can basically just stand in the Old North Church and learn everything by osmosis.

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  22. At least Sarah understands the history of the Boston Tea Party

    Yep, that looks right.

  23. You, too, can Sarah Palinize your favorite stories in world history. Remember when:

    - The Jews warned Hitler that the Nazis were coming?

    - Jesus Christ executed Moses in Bethlehem?

    - Freed slaves traveled through the Underground Railroad back to the South in order to be slaves again?

  24. videogum*. fuck this, you see?

  25. If she weren’t so willfully ignorant of things that should be common knowledge and didn’t hold up her stupidity like a banner or badge of pride, I could ignore her. But there are tons of people like her who will vote for her if she runs for President – so, yea, I’m OVER her, but she’s still dumb and dangerous.

    And I honestly don’t understand how you could feel good about knowing literally nothing. Isn’t this your field of interest, Sarah? Don’t you ONLY do politics? Is there some hobby about which you have just encyclopedic knowledge? What is filling your brain so completely that you just can’t be bothered to do the homework?

    Ugh.

    • You forget how much time she’s invested becoming an expert hunter, marksman, trapper, and tracker. She’s only human, for God’s sake.

    • You know, it’s one thing to not know who Paul Revere is or what he did. For an American adult, that is pretty “Jay Walking” level stupid, amirite? But it’s 10 times worse when you don’t know and you PRETEND to know in front of TV cameras on your presidential campaign tour. I guess she assumes everyone is as gleefully ignorant as she is? “Sarah, please explain calculus to me.” “Okay. Well you take numbers and combine them with thoughts and logic and all the like, and then there’s the distinction of the scale of numbers upon which the sum of the result occurs, therefore.”

      • Ha! I’m just terrified that once she inevitably decides to make her candidacy official, internationally, we’ll once again assume that American identity of proud idiocy we bore under Bush. I’m not an Obama fangirl, but I appreciate that he seeks knowledge and surrounds himself by specialists and advisors who know more than he does. And when he doesn’t know something or is wrong, he admits that and ameliorates the fallout.

        This adamant foolishness Palin shows is horrific. And the fact that she thinks it makes her a “real American” is even worse. Real Americans don’t revel in their ignorance. I can’t imagine how she reconciles that kind of laziness and incompetence with what she considers patriotism.

        Can you tell that I can’t stand this woman?

        • In all fairness to Bush (No Children Left Behindo), every president chooses a cabinet of expert bureaucrats in their respective fields. Despite all the theatrics of electoral rhetoric, no president is really an expert at anything except for winning elections.

      • I thought the saddest thing was the “they weren’t going to take our arms” thing. It’s one thing to get the lantern thing wrong and think it was bells, but thinking that the Revolution was about Gun Rights? That’s a scary level of stupid.

        • In fairness to Palin, maybe this is what she was talking about. From Wikipedia:
          “On the night of April 18–19, 1775, just hours before the battles of Lexington and Concord, Revere performed his “Midnight Ride”. He and William Dawes were instructed by Joseph Warren to ride from Boston to Lexington to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams of the movements of the British Army, which was beginning a march from Boston to Lexington, ostensibly to arrest Hancock and Adams and seize the weapons stores in Concord.“
          She might have been on the right track, but one of her biggest problems isn’t just what she says, but how she says it.

  26. My dentist made my last appointment more painful by trying to convince me that the media only made Sarah Palin LOOK stupid and she’s just as smart as Obama.

    Things like this just prove that Sarah Palin makes Sarah Palin look stupid. Woof.

  27. Maybe she quit fourth grade history halfway through, too.

  28. The joke is on the smarmy newscaster at the end (but also definitely on Sarah Palin), because Paul Revere never actually said “The British are coming.” He would have said, “The Regulars are coming!” referring to the British troops that maintained a peacetime presence in Boston.
    #historygum

  29. Hey, I don’t know what Paul Reiser is famous for either.

  30. I hate her. I actually hate her. Just the sight of her stupid face with those stupid glasses makes me want to vomit, and that’s before the voice even starts spewing pure concentrated stupid. GO AWAY.

  31. In Palin’s defense, Revere, as a silversmith, liked to cast clappers out of his beloved metal. They didn’t let him ring his wares that fateful night (worried that the British would also be forewarned), but decided to throw him a bone and let him perform at the Christmas Cotillion. And that’s where we get the yuletide classic…Silver Bells.

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