Oh no! There has been a terrible outbreak of horse herpes in Utah! Horse herpes! Ahhhhhh! Come on, horses. Wear a horse condom! Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with the horses’ genitals during this difficult time. But also, this devastating news has been met with devastating laffs when a recent beauty pageant (or something? I don’t actually understand what is going on here) was forced to use STICK HORSES instead of real horses. Oh man. And the crown for Prettiest Laffs goes to this story. Local news video after the jump:

“If you have a problem with things like this later in life, you already have experience riding a stick horse.” WORDS TO LOLOLIVE BY! (Via KSL. Thanks for the tip, Gideon.)

Comments (48)
  1. I wasn’t expecting such insight on the differences between real horses and stick horses from the contestants. #breakingstereotypes

  2. Adversity, y’all. Deal with it.

  3. No one panic. This is all discussed in chapter 7.

  4. I am SO GLAD they made it clear that riding the stick horse was a lot different from riding a real horse. Here I was thinking that the stick horse was basically doing all the work.

  5. Also, the girl in the black hat basically sounds like she’s about to burst into tears. And really, I would not blame her at all.

  6. Hopefully next time they’ll pony up for some prophylactics

    • I don’t care how much of stud you think you are, If you’re going to horse around with the local fillies, you better put a holster on that gun, cowboy.

  7. You always run the risk of catching horse herpes when you have too much Sex in The City.

    • I like how the question isn’t really about finding an answer to whether or not sharks can get AIDS, it’s just about finding another person who thinks about whether or not sharks can get AIDS.

  8. “Uh oh.”

    (booooo. Sorry)

  9. Headline: Horse herpes outbreak forces rodeo queens to ride stick ponies

    Sidebar: Glue, Dog Food factories report banner sales this quarter.

    • I just hope that the rendering plants can remove all traces of herpes before byproducts are sent to market for consumption by dogs and paste-eating third graders.

  10. Sure hope they caught this outbreak in time, otherwise kids are going to have one more reason not to eat glue.

  11. “Well, I guess nothing could make me look more foolish than this outfit I’m wearing.” -none of those girls, it turns out they chose to dress like that?

  12. As someone closely involved with the horse industry, this outbreak really really sucks. I know the name “horse herpes” is super funny, but this is costing us lots of money. Events are getting cancelled left and right.

    BUT if you asked me to ride a stick horse instead of showing a real animal, I would say hell no.

  13. There is no reason that should not have worked. I call shenanigans!

  14. That news report was totally bush league. They didn’t even ask those people what their quest was.

  15. The irony here is they are all wearing pants that look as though they were made from novelty condoms.

  16. “the only horses in the arena were in this bucket.”

  17. why dont they just ride ponies instead

  18. “Former queen Savanna Steed.”
    Of course a former winner of the Davis County Sheriff’s Mounted Posse Junior Queen Contest is named Savanna Steed. What was she going to be, an accountant?!!?!

  19. “Davis County Mounted Posse Jr. Queen Contest”

    I’d just like to enter that into the record.

  20. On the bright side, only two girls suffered spinal cord injuries after being thrown from their horses this year.

  21. Kylie Felter? Where did she touch her?! SEND THAT WOMAN TO PRISON

  22. Did you see those empty stands?
    “and next up is Marla Hooch. Hooch”

  23. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and blame the abstinence only message in all those horse e-books out there. For shame, people! Safe (horse) sex!

  24. “We tip our hats” in this context = almost as good as “keep fucking that chicken.”

  25. Coming next year to a store near you: Herpes Glue

  26. Couldn’t they just smear some Valtrex on the saddles or something?

  27. Honestly, I’d be prone to not buy the horse….Herpes is a recurrent virus and if it’s located in this horse’s eye it can be very painful for him if it is in a “breakout” episode in his eye.

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