Remember Falcon Heene? You remember Falcon Heene. He was the first child rapper to travel into space the attic. You might also remember his father, Richard Heene? Creator of Pscience Detecives? Helloo? McFly? Well, now that Mr. Heene and his wife, Mrs. Heene, have been released from jail after serving their time for Conspiracy to Convince the World Their Child Was in Outerspace, they have decided to do something to help the people of Japan. Wait, what? From TMZ:

Richard posted a video online last week — in which he claims his family wants to help with the tsunami relief efforts in Japan … and to kick things off, he’s already set a “purchase now” price on the balloon for $1,000,000.

Heene claims he will not make a penny off the saucer — saying he hired an attorney to distribute any profits from the private online auction to Japanese tsunami relief charities.

Hahaha. What? I mean, the devastation in Japan is a worthy cause and I hope someone gives them a million dollars to fix it, but who wants that stupid balloon? I thought we were all pretty much in agreement that the balloon was a piece of crap and that the people who made it were jerks and liars. Seems a bit steep. Now, a million dollars for a balloon that DID have a little boy fearing desperately for his life inside of it and you might have yourself a deal. Video of Heene’s proposal after the jump:

Ugh, he is so gross! Why is he acting like we’re all Team Heene on this one? And why does he sound like he’s just trying to move a couple more units of Bear Scratchers? I do like how he just assumes that we all understand why he couldn’t possibly go to Japan and help out with his hands and that this was the only option, selling his crap for a million dollars and just assuring us that the money will DEFINITELY go to the “right charities,” whatever the hell that means. Don’t assume that, sir. Some of us think that you should totally go to Japan and help out with your hands. You’ve got nothing else to do. You’re certainly not raising your children, you don’t have any more jail time to serve, and your career as an inventor is a total bust. Go! Enjoy! Goodbye! Goodbye forever!

Comments (37)
  1. He can’t go to Japan because he’s selling his primary means of transportation, obviously.

  2. I hate to get all Harry Caul here, but what’s going on with the weird overdub at 0:24? When it goes from his natural speaking voice to a robotic “UP FOR AUCTION” over what he originally said.

    #conspiracygum

  3. What do they mean by “any profits”? So after they pay the attorney they hired to handle the money, then randomly take money for themselves, there might not be any money that makes it to charity? I’d rather pay a million dollars to have their children hide in my attic (nopedo) then throw up on my sofa.

    • Right. Like why would I pay Richard Heene, a known asshole, a million dollars that may or may not ever get to charity, and in return get some wrinkled aluminum foil, when I could just give the money directly to a charity?

  4. Sorry, Richard Heene! This doesn’t make you not an asshole! You are still, and will always be, SUCH AN ASSHOLE!

  5. SOME PEOPLE just want all THE FUCKING attention. WHAT assholes!

  6. I try to avoid donating to people with giant balloons out of fear that they will keep the money for themselves and fly away.

  7. Maybe if we all chip in, we can get together a million dollars and just give it to him with the stipulation that he will never make another video, and will relinquish custody of his children to a responsible foster parent.

    I’m sure a million would be enough to buy his silence. Probably even $100k would do it.

  8. Too late, guys. I already bought it. I’m paying in $1 installments for the next million years.

  9. As a rule, I always keep my things worth a million dollars just lying in some field. It’s the best way to store valuables.

  10. I just realized the boy’s name was Falcon and he was flying in the air but he wasn’t. It all makes sense now. I finally get it. Thank you Richard Heene, you’re a true American Heene-Ro.

  11. My god. I didn’t realize how bad the parents were until I saw Rich digging around in that high voltage rat’s nest.

  12. I think I just confirmed my theory that Richard Heene is our resident downvote troll.

  13. Hi, I work for The Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan. Our collection includes such pieces as the Rosa Parks bus, the chair Abe Lincoln was assassinated in, and a full-scale Dymaxion house (look it up). In other words, we believe in the importance of our American story and preserving it so generations in the future we will understand where we came from, who we were as a people, and where we’re heading.

    I say all this to say that I’m authorized to place a very sizable bid on Mr. Heene’s balloon, and I’d like to issue a warning to the Smithsonian: Back. The Fuck. Off. We got this.

  14. Kristin Wiig should buy the million dollar balloon and then use it to make a movie about a character that combines Penelope and Virginia Horsen.
    WGA MEMBERSHIP PLEASE

  15. Oh man, watch until the end! That’s where the gold is.

    “To all the people in Japan, everything is going to be okay.” Also here is a song about how it is raining and we are happy. See? It’ll be okay!

  16. It’s sooo easy for us to judge, but how many of us have actually made a giant Jiffy Pop for Japan?? Is it three? I bet it’s three.

  17. Is it just me… or does his space craft look a little shabby? I don’t think I’d want to “fly” to work in that thing.

  18. Richard Heene really reminds me of Charlie Sheen. Just as crazy, just as annoying, similarly pathetic.

  19. I envisioned this gimmick novelty store balloon to be the future of transportation! However, then i had the better idea of using it for a cheap emotional fraud!

    That’s like probably the only time he showed prudence in choosing feasible ideas.

  20. Always pitch a balloon when it is deflated and on the ground. That’s just good salesmanship.

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