“When a relationship gets serious, that’s when you really need to start worrying about the details. Eventually, of course, in order for a relationship to grow and endure, you need to get on the same page about all kinds of things including how to raise children, how to spend money, where you want to live, and other ways in which two people agree about their hopes and goals and then set about achieving those hopes and goals together. But one of the things I like best about my boyfriend, Dr. Deluxe, the self-proclaimed “King of Everything,” is that, you know, we’ll get to all that stuff later, and I’m sure it will be perfect and we will agree about all of it and we will stay together forever and be more happy than anyone has ever been happy before even, but for right now I am just living in the moment and LOVING his body and his vlogs about his body, especially when he plays guitar. Oh, not a song, just, you know, a couple of discordant random notes before he shows off his legs because he’s been “getting a lot of requests for legs.” Man, I just love him it’s crazy how much. I love him, his hat, his ceiling fan, and his hospital room TV. But mostly him.”

-You

I’m so excited for you two. You are perfect together. No offense. (Thanks for the tip, Terry.)

Comments (29)
  1. Let’s play Who Said It: The King of Everything or an insecure teenage girl:

    “I want you guys to look at this chest developing right here. All right? I’ve been having problems with my chest for a long time, due to genetics. But now, it seems to be really filling out for me.”

  2. His chest is only developing? Pussy.

  3. I didn’t know it was possible to get a PhD in gay panic.

  4. He looks like Adam Sandler went into the Brundlefly machine with a He-Man doll, but I’m sure I’ll be very happy with him.

  5. I can’t wait for how in 10 years my boyfriends chest is going to have bigger boobs than me.

  6. I can’t tell what I love most about him: Is it his grotesquely vascular legs? His disproportionately birdy chest? The way his arms can’t go all the way down? The way his disgusting, surely foul-smelling, roided-up body makes his head look stupid tiny? His mumbly self-assurances that he is the best despite the fact that he is pretty much the opposite of what I normally look for in a man?

    • Wait, sorry, I know that it’s not nice to make fun of the way someone looks. I KNOW THIS. But also it’s not nice to spend all your time focusing exclusively on the way you look instead of working on, like, your intellectual, moral, spiritual, artistic or social self, so fair game, right?

      • Uh, did you miss opening bit where he clearly was honing his artistic self on guitar? He contains multitudes, my boyfriend.

        • I’m not NECESSARILY sure that watching a 5 minute youtube clip about how to play a generic guitar riff that lacks melody and rhythm is really conscientious development of an artistic self, but maybe you’re right. Maybe he’s really trying and just isn’t any good yet. Maybe once his chest fills out he’ll play better.

          • Can I make fun of his guitar? Because it is a really cheap shitty guitar for 13 year olds whose parents are like “My kid’s crazy about this rock band game, and he has it in his stupid head that he wants to play real guitar. What’s the cheapest thing I can buy?”

      • I think it’s not fair to make fun of the way someone looks generally, because it’s something that we don’t have a lot of choice over (I have a stupid nose, for instance). But when someone goes to a lot of effort to look a certain way, it becomes a choice and then it’s okay to make fun of.
        I think it’s fair to make fun of someone’s bad fashion choices, or bad plastic surgery choices; I think this fits with that.
        What I’m saying is: His stupid arms are the same as Tara Reid’s boobs.

        • The way he looks is an extension of his disgusting personality. I’m sure we’d have no problem if he was an enormous, tanned action figure who loved Guided by Voices and volunteered at the homeless shelter. This prick is narcissism manifested, a putrid miasma of protein shakes and Axe body spray. Fuck him.

    • He’s just training to be the next Wolverine.

  7. Not one Ed Hardy inspired tattoo? I am seriously disappointed in my boyfriend.

  8. If he can just get one more inch on the chest, then I can finally have a Nantaimori Thanksgiving

  9. Those are not just random notes my friend, it is the melody of OUTSHINED BY SOUNDGARDEN, which makes it even funnier. Should’ve done a nickelback song.

  10. It’s too bad shooting steroids is a full-time job apparently, otherwise he’d have time to learn there are 4 more strings on a guitar in addition to “E” and “A”.

  11. You’re just jealous I’m dating a doctor.

  12. I have the most disproportionate-to-the-rest-of-my-body boner right now.

  13. Safe to say he’s really 5’7…?

  14. Rest assured new boy friend, where genetics slighted you in the chest, it made up for in charm.

  15. I bet this guy saw The Hangover this weekend with his bros.

  16. Dear Gabe:

    Looking good. Keep it up.

    Sincerely,
    Nikker.

  17. Why can’t guys that look like superheroes and/or give themselves superhero names act like superheroes?

  18. I like how he overcame his bad genes through strength of will and determination. That’s some inspiring real world Gattaca stuff right there!

  19. It’s kind of weird because in the small cropped pic he looks normal and just kind of fit with his still developing chest, but then when you see all of him you realize what he’s done to himself. Someone’s low self esteem got the best of them again. It’s like how celebrities look attractive than overdo it on plastic surgery… Lisa Rinna.

    What I’m saying is if the rest of him matched his head and chest instead of those two parts being tiny little nubs on Gigantor, Destroyer of Worlds, than yes, I’d hit it.

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