It’s hard out here for a shrimp, you guys. And it’s not getting any easier. Yesterday I made a joke about the comical impotence of running down the street in flopping boat shoes to confront your wife about cheating on you, but let me tell you what: when it’s time to go confront your wife about cheating on you and all you have are boat shoes, YOU DON’T WALK! Everyone, in the end, is just doing their best to get through the day, even George Clooney. EVEN GEORGE CLOONEY. (It just happens that when George Clooney does his best to get through the day, the rest of us pay $12 to see it.) So, if someone has found something that makes the long, cold trudge through the gray ash wastes a little more tolerable before we carry the light all the way to heaven, well you can hardly begrudge them that.

For example, Marc Ornstein has prepared a graceful “freestyle canoeing” routine (which apparently is a thing?) to the Chris De Burgh song, “Lady in Red.” Fair enough, my man!

We are all going to die one day.

Comments (35)
  1. Mock all you want, but clearly this is a man who has his pri-oar-ities in order.

  2. Tragically, after this video he hit an Ice de Burgh and sank to the bottom of Lake Adult Contemporary.

  3. Some people retire too early.

  4. Great, now I’m pregnant.
    So smooth.

  5. Whatever floats your boat dude.

  6. jokes jokes jokes he looks like a billiards trick shot artist jokes jokes jokes Snus is bad jokes jokes jokes

    but SERIOUSLY this is so. damn. graceful.

  7. Why is he dressed like he’s ready to wait tables in an old fashioned restaurant? I would’ve thought freestyle canoeing would be less formal.

  8. Every summer I take weekend trips out to Ashtabula County in Ohio to go fishing and canoeing. You have no idea HOW PUMPED I AM RIGHT NOW.

  9. We are all going to die but those people watching look like they’re already dead, at least on the inside

    • I don’t know. This seems like the kind of thing that would be really really easy to ignore if you weren’t actually all about it. Also they knew when to clap and stuff. My bet is that this is the whole neighborhood’s pastime. Like, when you go to view a house there they ask you if your interest in freestyle canoeing is High or SUPER HIGH.

      • The clapping was synchronized too, so they all GET IT. I could see this being a Christopher Guest movie for sure. Because what’s even going on? They seem to know.

    • I was okay until I heard the golf clapping, then it was just a four minute giggle fit.

  10. This is a little too similar for my routine to Total Eclipse of the Heart.

  11. From the comments:

    >>>This is amazing. you see how close he gets the edge of the water to the edge of the canoe but no water goes over the edge and into the canoe? Simply amazing.
    liquidbullet5 1 day ago

    >>>>@liquidbullet5 Actually, on a few moves Marc deliberately lets some water come over the rails in a “controlled leak”. He has to get the boat tipped over past the point it was designed to stay upright and still not fall in. I saw Marc live and when he was done with the performance he got out and dumped gallons of water out. He works hard all the time, even has his own pond built to practice at home. This is not at all as easy and relaxed as Marc makes it look.

  12. This is clearly just a rip off of John Westerling’s award winning 2007 Northeast Freestyle Canoe routine.
    Midwesterners are always hours behind us in the Northeast.


  13. Interesting; I thought Steve Winwood was usually a more traditional choice for boat music.

  14. The things people will watch when there’s nothing on TV….

  15. I love everything about this video. This is a great new sport/ hobby/ thing and you know what… Something tells me the lake, the canoe and the finely dressed gentleman are all so happy. Everybody wins!!!!!

  16. More like OAR-stein. Amirite?

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