So, Vin Diesel has been in the news a lot lately. (Hahaha, I will be here ALL WEEK, ladies and germs, and I will also be here some more after that!) First he was in Fast Five Fast Furious, which I still haven’t seen because I’m waiting for it to come out on Criterion just kidding. Today he is back in the news talking about, like, an R-rated Chronicles of Riddick movie he wants to make on a low budget? On Facebook or something? Perfect. It’s called giving the people what they want. “More Riddick movies!” are what all the signs say outside of City Hall, you know, where the protests are? All of this, of course, raises the question:

Is Vin Diesel a slice of toast?

I’m not saying that he is! I’m just here to ask the tough questions. DON’T SHOOT THE ASKER. But think about it, you guys: if you squished up a slice of toast into a big wad and stuffed it into a tank top and made it grind a rail on a metal cafeteria tray (where do they have metal cafeteria trays, by the way? Like what cafeteria do you know? Lunchtime!) it would have about the same charisma and appeal as Vin Diesel. I’m not sure who likes Vin Diesel, but everybody likes toast! Maybe people are just responding to his TOASTNESS and that is what is getting him movies? Food for thought. AHHAHAHAHAH. (Is it Friday?)

Comments (43)
  1. He is the delectable shade of golden brown I associate with great toast-eating experiences…

  2. I’d like to spread and butter that toast!
    no, i don’t know what i am saying either. :(

  3. No, slices of toast can act

  4. When Vin Diesel jumps into a pool he doesn’t get wet; the pool gets Vin.

    (I’ll show myself out.)

  5. I was trying to think of a comment to write and it suddenly occurred to me that, scientifically speaking, it is plausible that there is some sort of alternative universe wherein Alternative Gabe is asking if a slice of toast is Vin Diesel. It’s not a really a funny comment, it’s just true.

  6. It seems like someone, I’m not saying who, is forgetting that Pitch Black was fricking awesome.

  7. Vin Diesel is a loud and proud Dungeons and Dragons player, and for that, he is My Boyfriend.

  8. He must be a slice of toast, since in every movie he finds himself in some kind of jam.

  9. Can we have a caption contest for that Vin Diesel pic? He looks like he’s moments away from a sneeze.

  10. If Vin Diesel was a Pop-Tart we’d be dead right now.

  11. How is it possible that nobody has written a biography about him called “The Chronicles of Redic”???

  12. I did like him in Saving Private Rye-an.

  13. I made $10 selling my Chronicles of Riddick DVD on eBay, then I used that $10 to buy it on Blu-Ray.

  14. He is like toast in that I would cover him in jelly and shove him into my face.

  15. Aren’t regional dialects interesting? Being from California (I know, it’s kind of a big deal), I would have referred to Vin Diesel as a “piece” of toast, not a “slice.”

  16. If he is a slice of toast, then Vin should forget Riddick and instead start pushing for a live-action Powdered Toast Man film.

  17. in his most challenging role ever…
    Vin Diesel is… [dramatic pause for toaster explosion] HY RYE!


    Coming Summer 2012
    BREAKFAST HAS A NEW FACE!
    (movie tagline is still up for review)

  18. toast has more taste.

  19. “EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. IT’S CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECRO BASTARDS OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng” — Something Awful dot com forums poster “graeyalien”

  20. Peter Frampton, do you like Vin Diesel too?

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