So, I lied earlier this week. In talking about all of the exciting parties where the stars of Fringe do burlesque routines in novelty-bathtub-sized martini glasses that the networks throw themselves, I said that I was not invited to any of these parties, and that is not entirely true. I was invited to ONE of these parties: the Adult Swim party. Makes sense, I guess. Right? You think CBS is going to invite me to their party? CBS is not going to invite me to their party. No offense none taken. Let me tell you guys something, though, based on the one upfront party that I went to: WE ALL NEED TO GO TO THESE UPFRONT PARTIES MORE! Citizens! Storm the castle! Holy moly. Every joke I have ever made about caviar omelets and a jacuzzi filled with champagne hardly even covers it, and this is Adult Swim we are talking about, a segment of programming on a basic cable network! Can you imagine what it is like at the FOX NEWS party?! Anyway, I know that it sounds like I am bragging about how I got to go to a fancy party, and I am! It was so great! I wish you had been there! My advice is that you start a pop culture website about movies, TV, and YouTubes, and then alienate yourself to most of the industry about which you write, with the exception of one or two small groups that seem to like what you do, and then meet me at the open bar. I will be the one wearing druuuuuunk.

Anyway, here are some preview clips from the new CBS and CW shows premiering this fall:

CBS

How to Be A Gentleman is a new sitcom starring Johnny Drama! Johnny Drama! Mr. Cool Sitcom!

Yikes. OK, CBS, what else you got? 2 Broke Girls starring Kat Dennings? Let us take a look:

Uh, you know what? Let’s just move on to the drama. No no, it’s fine! It’s a big wide world out there, with all kinds of people who like all kinds of things even terrible things. How about A Gifted Man?

OH MAN HAHAHAHA. I mean, sure, this looks like a perfectly fine network drama with a “clever” hook, but I can’t help thinking of Large Marge and Paul F. Tompkins’s joke about haunted stromboli. Now, look, I’m not saying that CBS should DEFINITELY greenlight a show about Large Marge running a restaurant that serves haunted stromboli starring Pee Wee Herman and Paul F. Tompkins, but they should at least shoot a pilot and see what they think.

Unforgettable:

I bet that lady is a BEAST at bar trivia night!!!! Next.

Person of Interest has Ben Linus! And the dude who played Jesus in that terrible Mel Gibson movie about Jesus! Also it kind of seems like precogs are involved? I love precogs!

Say what you will about CBS, that they stink, that they tend to flood the market with mediocre garbage for dumb-dumbs, this actually looks kind of good. There is still time to ruin it, CBS! Good luck!

CW

The CW has a bunch of new shows coming out and they all look terrible so forget it. There’s one about Sarah Michelle Gellar as, like, an assassin maybe? I don’t know. Also: something about witches. And while I’m very happy for my girlfriend, Rachel Bilson, her new show about a “Manhattan doctor” (whatever that is) who has to move to Alabama (classic doctor stuff) is simply not for me! But one show does look kind of promising. It is called H8ER and it features minor celebrities confronting people who have said mean things about them on the Internet in bars.

Not bad for what it is! Although why do they have A.C. Slater watching this from the backseat of a car? What is going on THERE? It feels like he’s going to start jerking off at any second. (Sorry, I know that is gross. But also it DOES seem like that!) Is the concern that the audience won’t know what to think about the situation if they don’t see A.C. Slater laughing about it while watching it on a monitor in the back of a livery cab? Because if anything the audience (me) finds that even MORE confusing.

TV! New shows! I can’t wait just kidding I can wait!

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Comments (36)
  1. Is that Kat Dennings show secretly an Olsen Twins movie?

    • I was too focused on the Dennings twins to notice.

      Sorry, I’ll show myself out. If you need me, I’ll be jerking off in the back of a car with Mario Lopez.

  2. That H8ER clip was kind of great. I assume the idea of the show is that people would be confronted by celebrities they insulted on the internet and then wuss out in person. But according to that clip, nope!

    “Why did you call me a drunken slob?”

    “Because you are a drunken slob!”

    Asked and answered. Move on, counselor.

    • Yeah, I’m actually disappointed that the guy looks so dumbfounded in the beginning. He should be laughing, as in “You’re a television personality and you have nothing better to do than read what random internet commenters think, track them down, and confront them? And you’re making a SHOW about this? What do you care, I’m just some guy in a bar!”

      Come and get me, H8ter. I think all your people suck, and I’ve got a 200-watt smirk.

    • But he forgot to rest his case!

      I guess it is just a clip, so SOMEONE rests their case at the end of all this.

  3. So “A Gifted Man” is basically The Dead Zone meets The Ghost Whisperer meets Everybody Loves BARFFFFFFF.

  4. All of these Upfronts have further confirmed my undying love for Parks and Rec.

  5. 2 Broke Girls looks so bad it makes The Zookeeper look like The New Girl

    • I’m just glad they’re working at a nameless diner in Brooklyn, which is definitely full of diners, and not at a Denny’s

      • and full of LULZ too!

        “I think (snap snap) this is the sound that dries up my vagina” – a writer who is making orders of magnitude more $$$ than me

        • I don’t even understand that line! Like, I don’t think that the purpose of going to a diner is to give some waiter a boner. Vaginas and penises shouldn’t even come up in a waiter-diner conversation! Gross!

          • I watched the “behind the scenes”, and it was full of the director and actresses talking about how this is a REAL sitcom based on how broke girls in Brooklyn REALLY LIVE and I was like, uh, she’s a HEIRESS. I know at least 15 broke girls who live in Brooklyn, and none of them are HEIRESSES! At least have the balls to be like, we decided to combine what we think poor girls in Brooklyn are like and also regular sitcom bullshit.

          • Plus, someone who looks like Kat Dennings and has tons of waitressing experience (looks like someone was paying a little too much attention to that trailer) would probably be able to get a job at one of the many, many nice restaurants in Brooklyn where there are decent tips to be had.

  6. Videogum Everywhere Mission: Make “The Haunted Stromboli Show” happen.

    Who’s in?

  7. How to be a Gentleman needs to dump everyone but Dave Foley, and bring in Maura Tierney, Vicki Lewis, Stephen Root, and Joe Rogan. I guess Rajskub can stay. Dave Foley in an office chair w/ a cup of coffee gave me flashbacks to NewsRadio. NewsRadio, soooooo good. I’ll have to bust out my DVD’s.

  8. Gwyneth will confront Gabe! It has been foretold! (Provided we all survive the Rapture.)

    • I think that would be very important for us as a society in the post-Rapture world. Also if the Rapture doesn’t happen I would still really like to see that confrontation.

  9. that show Unforgetable was orginally going to be called The Remberer. FACT. then CBS realized they shouldn’t let 2nd graders name their fall lineup.

  10. I would ABSOLUTELY watch a show with AC Slater jerking off in someone’s backseat. But do we really need the “extreme” name? Can’t we just call it Hater? It’s got the Ke$ha of tv show names.

  11. mmhhmm a.c. slater in the back of a livery taxi cab.

  12. two points –
    hollywood continues to have no idea what being broke is like.
    stop acting like you didn’t know jim caviezels name.

  13. What if we all hate on A.C. Slater and then he tries to confront US but instead we confront HIM in the backseat of his weird van? And we keep calling him Slater. That would be boss.

  14. Something tells me A Gifted Man is going to become next holiday’s most ReGifted Man.

  15. How many shows is Whitney Cummings involved in this year? All of the shows? Goodness. And I’ve never seen an episode of Sex and the City (WHAT’S IT TO YOU?) or any of the movies, but Michael Patrick King is pretty awesome, so there’s that.

    Annnd Patrick Wilson is on TV? (NnnnNNNNnnnN/Swoon!) Too bad it has to be on Ghost Doctor M.D.

  16. I guess Whitney Cummings really likes laugh tracks?

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