The well-known genius Kirk Cameron was preparing for the Apocalyptic event that he knew would be occurring on Saturday, May 21, 2011. He had his suit pressed so that he would get to heaven looking sharp, and he bought some healthy snacks like some mixed nuts and some fruit and a Vita Coco just in case the Rapture took a little longer than he anticipated. The way he figured, he and his family would get up early–if they could even sleep, they’d probably be so excited–and head up to the roof with a beach blanket and a transistor radio so they could watch the whole shebang. What a show! Best seats in the house! (He actually said stuff like this at the dinner table and while he and his wife were flossing at their his and hers sinks at night. She would smile and laugh and found it charming. She married him after all.) And then, poof! They would all be in heaven, and all of the other stupid cretins and also Jews would spend an eternity in hell.

Kirk Cameron was a very smart genius and he would debate anyone on just about any topic and he knew that he had the smarts to back it up with his giant brain and his deep repository of John Lennon lyrics to cite at random.

In the hallway of Kirk Cameron’s house, which was more of a scientific laboratory, and a graduate library than a home, what with all the smart stuff that was going on in there all the time, were framed diplomas from MENSA and all the colleges and stuff. He had, like, a million certificates for being the smartest, and some of them even had ribbons on them, because he’d won prizes for it. For being so smart. He was incredible.

“Something about the bible,” Kirk Cameron said.

He went on FOX News and complained about everything.

Everyone, of course, is entitled to their beliefs, but still! And on Sunday, May 22nd, 2011, Kirk Cameron, the genius, was driven to the hospital by his wife after suffering from severe exposure due to spending more than 36 hours on his roof with very little to eat or drink (the Vita Coco was only 12oz). His face was red and blistery and his tongue was swollen in his mouth and he had messed himself. When she had found him this way–the rest of the family had returned inside for a proper meal and some videogames and crotchet and whatever hours earlier–he insisted that he be allowed to stay because he “didn’t want to miss it.” His wife put her hands on her hips. “Let’s go, Einstein,” she said.

During the three days Kirk Cameron had to stay in the hospital, IV drips all in his arms, staring out the window hoping to see Christian souls ascending to heaven, all the doctors called him “Smartypants.”

Comments (55)
  1. I choose to believe that the Rapture actually happened, but Kirk was just left behind.

    • #Hollywoodpostitnote

    • Actually Kirk (aka Buck Williams!) was left behind in the film Left Behind, so this makes perfect sense. It’s almost like you guys didn’t have an adolescence you still aren’t sure what to make of that may have involved reading all the books and seeing the movie or anything?

    • Kirk is a good man that loves God, anyone that has something negative to say about another person needs to rethink what a christian is. I recall Jesus standing in the street when the townspeople where going to stone to death a woman and Jesus says he that has no sin cast the first stone. We are suppose to love one another and judge not for ye shall be judged the same way. At least Kirk is bold enough to stand up for our savior. So lets quit pulling people down and stand together and love one another. God is love and through love we can accomplish anything. Love is the answer!!

  2. I don’t think Kirk Cameron’s family plays video games, if they do they’re probably like Veggie Tales The Game

  3. Meanwhile…

    • “Well, you didn’t believe in us Stephen, but at least you weren’t a total dick about everything like those other guys.” -Angels

    • Heaven and angels and the rapture not existing is not even the biggest reason I think this scenario is unlikely, and let me explain why. I genuinely* believe Stephen Hawking has found the secret to eternal life and will therefore never die. Consider: MND (Motor Neurone Disease) is typically fatal within 2–5 years. Hawking has lived for nearly 50 years with the disease, and will be 70 next year. Something something Occam’s Razor something something Captain Scarlet Indestructible. #caseclosed

      *obviously not genuinely

  4. I would like to point everyone to this legitimate business. The founder is the real genius here:

    Seriously, who would want to get raptured if dogs weren’t allowed in heaven????

  5. “God is a concept, by which we can measure
    Our pain” – John Lennon

    ” Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob.
    Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob g’goo…” – Kirk Cameron

  6. So my friend has a bible autographed by Kirk Cameron and we cherish the lols it brings us.

    Also, that picture makes me think that this rapture thing could be a benevolent act by some deity removing the more unpleasant and self-righteous elements from the planet by sucking them up in some enormous celestial Hoover.

  7. The Mayans are going to feel pretty stupid when the world ends BEFORE 2012. Stupid Mayans.

  8. In the next to last paragraph Gabe says Saturday is May 22 but in fact it is May 21. Look at the genius calling the brainiac a smarty pants

  9. From IMDb’s “Memorable quotes for Growing Pains”:

    Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: Mike, a voice just came out of the radiator and it sounded a lot like God
    [referring to handyman working in the basement]
    Mike: No, Boner, that’s Jimmy
    Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: You call Him Jimmy?
    Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: [later]
    [walks downstairs angrily]
    Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: Okay, what in the name of Jimmy is going on down here?

  10. I really hope the Rapture are playing a concert on Saturday, otherwise they’re really missing a great opportunity.

  11. BNPG #RaptureMovies:

    Judgement Day Dredd

    I’m Not Rapture-aport

    Any Given Judgement Day

  12. Guys, this has nothing to do with this post, but I must share:

    Kirsten Dunst gifs of her reacting to Lars Von Trier’s Hitler comments. Brilliant.

  13. Relax baby, it’s modern times.

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