Behind all the glitz and the glamour of blogging is news. Yes, we blog from solid gold, heart-shaped jacuzzis in castles made of cocaine and cashmere, but we are blogging about actual THINGS that are happening in the world, to real people. Are they people we know, or even like? Not usually. But they are real, and things definitely seem to be happening to them, so we have to tell you those stories.

Unfortunately, not all stories can be triumphs of the human body like the Steven Tyler story. Sometimes the news is about human suffering. While these stories aren’t (5) fist-pumpers (Gross, Kira. Sorry), they are real life, and they remind us about the darker side of the world around us. This is a very important story that I have been following super closely all week.

A-LIST CELEBRITY BEING SUED FOR GIVING SOMEONE HERPES ON PURPOSE.

It’s nice when the news does the writing for you. By not listing the name of the celebrity, or the name and gender of the plaintiff, they set us up for a nice game of Guess The Blind Item, if we want to play. Do we? I mean, gross. But also, it’s definitely Hugh Jackman, right? (It’s definitely not Hugh Jackman. I think.)

Nice try, Jackman, but herpes isn’t water soluble.

This is a good jumping off point for a serious discussion about personal responsibility* and the role it plays in not getting herpes from a celebrity. This story is very yikes. But wait! It gets YIKES-ER!

OH, GOOD, THERE’S A SEX TAPE OF THE HERPES BEING GIVEN AND RECEIVED, AND A BIDDING WAR TO ACQUIRE THE FOOTAGE.

There are a lot of very important, verrrrrrrry yikes elements to this story. Which part is the most importantly yikes? I think we can all agree that it is the concept of “bug chasers.”

Knock, Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Oh, hi! It’s me, 2012! I’m sorry, I’m a little early, I know, but…”
“No, no! Did you see that bug chaser wikipedia page? Yeah, you’re right on time. Let’s get the apocalypse ball rolling.”

Again, TMZ brought the ruckus.

*Teachers, you have my permission to print this story out and bring it into class to stimulate discussion about this topic, and also how much are perfectly germ free genitals worth? Does $20 million seem like a reasonable sum to your students? I feel like it’s excessive, but I’m just a stuffy old grandma. What do I know?

UPDATE: TMZ has learned just this morning that the infection DID NOT OCCUR ON APRIL 1ST! Journalism!

Comments (31)
  1. I prefer pony day to penis day, sorry guys, and of course Charlie Day is better than both of those


  2. Who stole my idea journal?

  3. Seems like a simplex way to make some extra cash.

  4. I can’t believe Mickey Rooney is still considered A-list after all these years.

  5. I assume the Ball is being cancelled today in favour of a Monster’s Bug Party?

  6. When I was your age, we were happy just getting autographs.

  7. Just in case my roommie goes through my internet history, I make it a point to avoid URLs that would paint me as a doofus and/or creepus. So i can’t actually bring myself to go those TMZ pages. Just like I haven’t been back to http://www.bestialplayground.com in months. MISS YOU GUYS! ESPECIALLY YOU, http://www.bestialplayground.com/walrus-on-walrus/extra-tusks !
    Also, hiiii kiraaaaa!

  8. Holy crap, you guys, is herpes treatment particularly intensive? This could pretty well explain Gabe’s sudden disappearances AND his hatred towards Gwyneth.

  9. If Valtrex commercials are any indication, having herpes is awesome and results in hiking, kayaking and running around dreamily with your loved one.

  10. I don’t want to click on any of the above links, especially that “bug chasers” link. I’ll assume we’ll be catching these bugs:

    • Well. There should be a picture of the “Derek Jeter Herpes Tree” there. Don’t know what happened. I blame Friday the 13th and also probably sunspots. Maybe also Kira. WHO’S TO SAY WHO IS ON DEREK’S SIDE, AFTER ALL.

      Anyway, Google that shit, it’s funny.

  11. Can you spread herpes by peeing your pants?

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