Look, I’m not going to lie to you, Buddies.

Being given my membership card to The Very Cool Club For Once And Future Videogum Bloggers was one of the most exciting moments of my life. Even when Soft Gabe and the cast of “Bob’s Burgers” held me down so that Lindsey could sit on my chest and do that pretending-to-spit-on-your-face-but-then-sucking-it-up-at-the-last-minute thing, I was so happy to be included, though that was a bummer. Not cool, TVCCFOAFVB-ers. Not cool.

And, of course, I’d be lying if I said that the adoration of the Videogum community, and the envy of my peers, weren’t very, very satisfying. What an ego boost! Please, though, stop sending me Edible Arrangements, Steve Winwood. I really hate melon. (I wouldn’t say no to one entirely composed of chocolate covered strawberries.)

But these were perks that I could have anticipated. I mean, look at Gabe! He’s living the dream! That much is obvious to even the most casual observer.

What is not obvious from the outside is the huge weight of responsibility that sits squarely on one’s shoulders as a new, temporary but very well-loved, member of the internet news community. As the press releases and tips pour in, we have to choose what we think is the most meaningful story. From the outside, my life might seem pretty exciting, with the blog celebrity and being voted Best Hair of San Rafael High School senior class in 1996, but I don’t really get that much email in my day to day life, and getting so much email, about things that not everyone knows about yet, made me feel so important, and part of something meaningful. Baller, shot-caller, over here, guys! Want to know what’s going on with Lindsey Lohan’s legal situation? SUCKS TO BE YOU, NON-BLOGGER LOSERS.

Of course, hubris aside, I realize, this is not my news, to hoard like Smaug on top of a pile of treasure, guys. (Cool reference, Kira!) I am just a conduit. And so, as Temporary CEO of Videogum Enterprises, through the course of the day I am going to share with you a few stories that I think are important, but which might have gone uncovered by Gabe. Not all of them are brand new, but all of them are worth noting.

STEVEN TYLER HAS A HUGE PENIS. (Video is obviously NSFW, sillies. It’s about huge rock star genitals.)

Congratulations, Mr. Tyler! You must be so proud! To earn the admiration of someone like Steven Adler must make you very, very happy.

(I think Steven Tyler also has a book out and he’s on a show or something? I don’t know. I don’t watch TV or read newspapers or books or anything except press releases now.)

Oh, and also, Duh Aficionado Magazine has a fascinating blurb this month about how Steven Adler is a one man cautionary tale about the perils of drugs. You should read it! It was short, but meaningful, which is also what she said.

Thanks in advance to TMZ for the access to these stories.

Comments (23)
  1. Sounds like Dude is Really Obviously NOT a Lady.

    • That’s racist towards Intersexual Americans

    • I don’t know…have you seen him at he beach? Big penis or not..i mean..just..no.

      • We saw him a few times at the Pirates of the Caribbean premiere last week (which I tried to write up but couldn’t get together) and he looks so much like an old LA rich hippie lady from Laurel Canyon that it was kind of jarring. Like, he looked like he has lunch with Meg Ryan and talks about anti-aging regimens. It made me super uncomfortable.

  2. Steven Adler is the drummer for Guns and Roses, Cisco Adler was the one with the naked pictures
    -Celebrity Penis Expert apparently

  3. You know, living the dream & hanging out on a tour bus talking about other peoples’ genitalia. Rock star stuff.

  4. San Rafael High School! I mean, it’s no Terra Linda, but props for being a bay area native.

  5. I’m conflicted about Steven Tyler’s Penis. On the one hand, gross, dude is the world’s oldest scarecrow. But on the other hand, that’s Liv Tyler’s hometown, so it can’t be ALL bad.

  6. Ugh, TMZ keeps crashing on me. Just wanna know more about Steven Tyler’s wiener, you guys . And I’m running out of chocolate chip cookies to eat for breakfast. And what is the radius of a nuclide with mass number 187? #firstworldproblems #girlproblems #physicspracticefinalproblems

  7. A reason to reference my fav. punk band, Nomeansno, and their song Big Dick!

    Like a monkey in a zoo,
    you’re half gorilla too
    When you pound it with your fist
    and make it real stiff
    Big Dick
    Gotta cover your mistakes
    your bloody out-takes
    So you dip it in the wine
    and make a holy sign
    Big Dick
    Big Dick! Come quick
    Big Dick! Come quick

  8. 1 its gross
    2 have a bannana
    3 6.86fm (1.2 x a^(1/3))

  9. “We’re gonna need a bigger MS Paint.” – Perez Hilton

  10. New YCMIU – Steve Winwood buys an Edible Arrangement. Something tells me it will end with Steve yelling “PSYCHE” at the end of the order.

  11. Steven Tyler’s penis sounds a little too big, if you ask me. Who wants that? I’ll just stick with my comically small penis, thank you very much.

  12. Spoiler alert: the video does not show Steven Tyler’s ALLEGEDLY giant penis, which is the only reason I clicked on it and yes I am mildly ashamed of that but I was curious, dammit!

  13. Smaug is mah dawg

  14. He does not have a big penis.

    He just has a low body to penis ratio.

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