The latest issue of Goop is out today, and, well, uh, this:

Spring is springing and it’s the perfect time to start planting herbs and veggies for the summer. I got a great how-to lesson from my friend José who is an expert in the garden. Below you will find tons of fun ideas on how to plant a spring garden of your own, even in a New York City apartment!

Really? MY FRIEND JOSE WHO IS AN EXPERT IN THE GARDEN?! REALLY?! Now, look, this is definitely one of those cases where an assumption says a lot more about the person who is making it than anything else. Who is to say that Jose isn’t the President of the Gardens Institute and that he and Gwyneth didn’t meet at the MET Costume Gala? Let’s not jump to any conclusions. Let’s click through and see who this Jose is:

Our resident gardening expert, José Marqués, suggested we plant several of them in a mini-greenhouse so that the warm, humid air would prompt the seeds to germinate.

OUR RESIDENT GARDENING EXPERT. Right. Gotcha. Good grief! This woman is easily the most astute caricature of a Monopoly board rich person that I’ve ever seen. I am pretty sure it was her lack of self-awareness that sank the Titanic (she was not on board, but a lot of the paintings she had ordered for the guest belfry were). She’s basically Mary from Downton Abbey before Mary got likable. Incredible. INCREDIBLE! I’m not saying that Jose Marques doesn’t have a lot of very interesting and useful gardening tips. Only the best for the Coldplay family. (Their coat of arms is a Gap sweater and an iPhone.) I’m even pretty sure that Jose makes more money than I do. But asking the live-in help to write the latest issue of your vanity on-line newsletter is some next level haute-bourgeoise shit. Off with her head!

She includes Jose’s email address,, but please don’t write him. His life is hard enough. He has a hotmail account for heaven’s sake. He’s practically GARBAGE.

Comments (72)
  1. She just wanted to celebrate cinco de mayo.

    • Really, though, at least she went to someone with actual gardening skills, you know? It could have been “Here are my buddy Jay-Z’s tips to getting beautiful marigolds!”.

      • Haha, these are hyacinths, yup

      • I’m assuming she also has a “friend” who’s an expert at cleaning her pool, a “friend” who’s an expert at raising her kids, and a friend whose “favorite thing” is to wax her goop for her once a month.

  2. Her Driver, Coleman, and her Live In Maid, Bessie, Agree.
    Image of Bessie Disciplining their No Good Cat, Thomas.

    • Oh man, I remember those shorts and when Cartoon Network tried re-dubbing them. Oh cartoons, how racist you can be. No dessert for you.

  3. I hope someone covers her lawn with toilets

  4. Miss Paltrow I keep telling you my name is Joseph
    Yes Jose, that’s what I’m calling you
    No that’s not it, you know what never mind, be glad my kids need their dad to be employed or I would move far far away from you

  5. Doesn’t Gabe live in a New York City apartment? I think someone is jealous…

  6. This makes sense, considering the fact she refers to Chris Martin as her Resident Garbage Expert.

  7. Seriously though, if you people do want really good urban gardening advice that doesn’t involve greenhouses or unbearable smugness, you should check out

  8. “Our gardenered has a Haute Male account. LOL” – Gwyneth Paltrow

  9. she really makes it too easy to hate her

  10. Gwyneth: “You! What’s your name?”
    Gardener: “Michael.”
    Gwyneth: *ponders* “I don’t like it. I’m gonna call you Jose.”

  11. “José will also be joining me for my upcoming entry that details proper lawn-shortening methods.”

  12. Next month on Goop: tips for elegant and practical handwriting in the receiving of parcels from Pete O’Doyle, expert on door monitoring, cab hailing and small talk while waiting for the elevator.

  13. they also have a resident baby-naming expert:

  14. can i try that again?

    they also have a resident baby-naming expert:

  15. “There actually IS a ceiling on my awfulness. Manuel, my Glass/Light Conduit Expert just does such a great job keeping it spotless.” – Goop

  16. Next issue: Tips for creating the perfect ambiance for your swimming pool grotto with my resident “pool boy”, Marcos

  17. Next issue: How to terminate your gardener when you catch him stealing carrots.

  18. My BFF Manuela has such great advice for being a working mother. She has five kids, but works 16 a day taking care of mine! How does she do it all while still finding time for herself*? — Goop

    *eating in the pantry while watching 10 minutes of her favorite telenovela between taking the Paltrow-Martin offspring to get mani-pedis

  19. Raahhh-ight. Next thing you are going to tell me is that I’m not my apartment’s resident cat grooming expert. Well, Mr. Flufflykisses, our resident catnip expert, would disagree.

  20. “Spring is springing.” — Gwyneth Paltrow

    “Good stuff. That’s what you write.” — Nicholas Sparks

    • Professor Langdon smiled. Little does she know the origins of the word “spring.” Originally from the Assyrian word for sacrifice, “spryngyn,” in which a virgin was sacrificed by flinging her into a copse of trees, it was later co-opted by the conquering Gauls and changed to the now ubiquitous “Spring.” Spring truly has sprung. He laughed to himself. —Dan Brown

  21. Thank goodness my “New York City apartment!” came with a mini-greenhouse.

  22. Wait, wait, wait. Did anyone actually click through to the newsletter? Jose looks quite a lot like Gabe in the last picture… (I don’t know how to embed pictures, sorry!)

  23. NEWS FLASH: Guys, we’re just jealous. I know it’s true because that’s what Lady Gwyneth said.

  24. Okay help me out here, but could “resident expert” mean something more than “household gardener”? Don’t magazines use the term “resident expert?” I thought the definition was getting a little loose these days.

  25. C’mon guys, you are not being reasonable. Its clear Jose loves his job. And he is so decorative!

  26. Salvia? No one tell Miley! that’s still topical, right?

  27. She (her intern) was writing an article about gardening, so she talked to her gardener for tips. That doesn’t seem like a bad idea. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say her gardener is probably not a day laborer she found outside the Home Depot, and also guess that he’s probably paid well and is in fact a legitimate expert. (And also, just because he’s the “resident expert” doesn’t mean he’s live-in help. Resident expert could just be a turn of phrase.)

    Wouldn’t it be more awful if Gwyneth was claiming all this gardening expertise for her own, and never gave credit for her beautiful garden to a gardener we all damn well know exists?

    I mean, she’s annoying, but not because of this.

    • Insert “wah-wah” disappointed trumbone noise…

    • No I mean yeah sure: OBVIOUSLY José refers to Gwyn as “my friend Gwynneth, who’s an expert at oblivious and easily mockable smugness.”

      You’re not wrong but what are supposed to do: LET THIS SHIT SLIDE? Fozzy, you realize that Videogum is the only thing keeping Gwyn’s ego in check?

      Videogum:Gwyneth::Mariana Trench:Megatron

    • I completely agree. I read this article and comments and my head turned like a dog when he hears a funny sound. I just don’t get what was so offensive this time. I can think of 500 people to hate on more today.

  28. Gabe’s vast knowledge of the shows on PBS Masterpiece make me love him even more…

  29. Okay so apparently I get Goop in fucking Spanish, since I’m in Latin America. LA JARDINERIA?! Are you kidding me? I don’t know why I hate this so much.

  30. Can someone please post the Coldplay coat of arms? I’d really like to get that tattooed over my heart.

  31. I’m just happy for a Downton Abbey reference!

  32. Gonna agree with Fozzy here. After laughing hard at everyone’s comments, per usual you guys are great, I got a little concerned that it really was more what Gabe had suggested..that we’re going ahead and projecting some seriously messed up schema on her simple description. I dislike Paltrow so damn much but aside from the continued obliviousness to her privilege by having an expert ANYTHING, the Latino or Spanish (all we know is his name is Hispanic) groundskeeper working for less than minimum wage for someone taking advantage clearly doesn’t apply here and reduces one of the few humans Paltrow actually pays some kind of tribute to. Not saying we can’t have fun with such a horrible character as her, but we need to be called out too sometimes.

  33. Um, who has a garden that requires a gardener in New York City (besides hotels and stuff)? At this point I think she’s just baiting us…

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