This is a pretty big day for the Obama administration, but it’s quite possibly an even BIGGER day for Jay Leno (no it is not). He will inevitably address the death of Osama Bin Laden during his opening monologue on The Jay Leno Show tonight. But how? What will he say? Here are some suggestions:

  • “Osama Bin Laden is dead, but Donald Trump still wants to see the death certificate.”
  • “Does this mean I get to wear an EXTRA pair of shoes when I go through airport security?”
  • “It was reported that after his body was identified, Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea. Now America faces a new enemy: upset fish!”
  • “The death of Osama Bin Laden marks the end of a 10 year manhunt. Now the government can turn its attention to other pressing issues, like who shot J.R. and where is the beef?”
  • “Osama Bin Laden was found living in a million dollar compound with 15 foot high walls covered in barbed wire. No word on whether or not he had an airplane hangar filled with hundreds of antique cars.”

Lucky for Jay, even if he doesn’t quite nail it tonight, he can (and will) just keep trying for the next 10 years. Replace two or three Monica Lewinsky jokes from each night’s monologue with Osama Bin Laden jokes and keep chipping away at the thing until he’s got it perfect.

Comments (71)

  1. “Heh heh… these were actually pretty funny. Good job!”–Mr. Coconuts

  2. These are almost TOO perfect. Are you actually Jay Leno, Gabe?!

  3. Osama walked into a bar. The Barman asked, why the long face.

  4. Have you heard this? Have you heard about this? They say Osama Bin Laden was shot in the head by a team of Navy SEALS. Apparently, lots of pundits are saying that his fate was SEALED all along.

  5. More like Osama Been Laid-to-Rest, amiright??

  6. It turned out all these years Bush’s search for Osama relied solely on saying Osama’s name three times into a mirror.

  7. “Osama found through a recent computer hack when his credit card number and billing address was obtained. Thanks Playstation Network!”

  8. So finally after over ten years of searching, Bin Laden has been found and killed. It can’t be long now until they finally find Waldo.

    (rimshot)

  9. At the risk of saying this to a whole bunch of patriots (AKA you guys), is Osama really that big of a problem? I mean, terrorists have been around pretty much forever. It is like the world’s second oldest profession. And sure, it’s mean to knock someone down and fart on their head or blow up their buildings or whatever just because they’re smaller than you/ have different political views. But it also kind of gets you ready for life, you know? The world is always going to be there to knock you down and fart on your head and blow up your buildings, and that’s a lesson that needs to be learned from an early age. It is bad to be a terrorist, but when terrorists get older, most of them STOP being terrorists and start being productive members of society. And those who continue being terrorists, they usually end up in Guantanamo or killed by Navy SEALS, because being a terrorist as an adult becomes an actual crime that is prosecuted. But overall, I don’t think the whole issue is one to get worked up over compared to, say, bullying or something.

  10. “Apparently, US Navy Seals confiscated Osama’s iPod. Can we get a shot of that?

    *shows an iPod with Pat Benatar’s ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot’ on the screen.*

    Hey Kevin, apparently they Seals took out Osama by accident. Obama received intelligence that a man with bad hair was bossing people around in a mansion and thought that he was signing an order to take out Trump.

    But seriously, Dwayne Johnson, you might know him as The Rock, apparently got news about Osama’s death before the president. Judging by his movie choices, he and Osama must of been having a competition on who could release more bombs on Americans.

    Ok. We have a great show tonight. The beautiful Amber Heard is here. Stick around!”

  11. Osama Bin Laden was found two short years after President Obama took office. Officials say Bin Laden got tired of hiding underneath the Bush.

  12. “Bin Laden might be dead, but he’s still blowing up my Facebook newsfeed!”

    …because Jay Leno uses Facebook.

  13. “They were planning to bring him into the US alive, yeah, no it’s true, but, heh, on the flight over he was killed by the airline food.”

  14. Soo…who’s going to watch to find out which predictions come true? NOT IT!

    • The saddest part about this game is that we’ll never end up knowing which terrible jokes Leno decided to use.

    • The only one of us who gets a cheque out of the whole thing should have to do it. (read: Gabe)

    • Taking one for the team.

      Tonight’s guest:
      Paul Walker
      Donnie and Marie (hopefully Donnie wears purple socks!!!!. God, I’m old)

      Here’s the monologue:

      “Looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: YES I DID.”

      “The good new is that UBL is dead. The bad news is… well, there IS NO BAD NEWS!!!!”

      Seals killed him. Sarah Palin said “I didn’t know they could do that. I mean, I’ve seen them at Seaworld juggling balls and…”

      McCain, has been that excited since they killed John Wilkes Booth.

      Obama’s speech. Eloquent, but restrained. Fake video of him doing backflips after the speech.

      Bin Laden got behind on his mansion payments and the bank turned him in.

      They went into UBL’s mansion and killed him, so Donald Trump sold his mansion.

      Mory Povich did the DNA test.

      Shot twice in the face. Dick Cheney may have been involved.

      That’s it! Perfunctory and quick.

      “Value meal or last meal.”
      Royal wedding jokes.
      Gas price joke, involving anal rape (wish I were kidding)
      Cereal truck spill joke about snap, crackle and pop
      Lindsey Lohan teaching acting classes at a homeless shelter-they’re homeless BECAUSE they’re actors.
      Delivery of 5lbs of marijuana to an old folks home. Stoner’s must have gotten 5lbs of Metamucil.
      10 baggage handlers smuggling dope, and treating the bags well and getting them on the right planes.
      Drug cartel arrest in Mexico of man named “El Kilo” Police suspicious because his name was EL KILO!!!!
      Royal Virility Performance brand beer. Makes for an embarassing Super Bowl party.
      51 year old woman buying a prostitute for her 81 year old father “beats a bottle of Old Spice”
      Mariah Carey twins. Video of them screeching in harmony.

      Right back with Paul Walker and Police Blotter!!!

      • OK, Police Blotter was kind of funny.

      • Jimmy Fallon also did a Maury DNA joke. Just so you know, he’s not the comic genius we all seemed to think he was.

        And, alright, these poor guys just read someone else’s material. I know that. Leno is not the problem. He’s a hard working guy, making a paycheck reading jokes with a four year lifespan. No problemo with that. We’ve all got to put food on our massive self-indulgent car collections.

        No. It’s the writers we hate! Lazy, lazy writers. My god, how do I get your jobs? I’m just lazy enough to be brilliant at it.

      • I’m not going to lie. I’ll never get enough “Dick Cheney shot someone in the face” jokes, even coming from Leno. That was the best news story ever.

  15. “Did you hear about this one? sure! sure! Did you hear about this one?”

  16. Osama’s death happened on the 8th year anniversary of former Pres. Bush’s Mission Accomplished speech…when asked about the coincidence, Bush said, “Go away, I’m hung over.”

  17. Osama Bin Laden’s dead… Have you heard about this? He’s so dead, that the only thing that’s deader than he is, is my studio audience! *a lone cricket is heard chirping in the distance but then it commits suicide and there is only silence*

  18. “Did you hear about this one? Apparently everyone was on Twitter. Were you on Twitter Kevin? No, me neither… [awkward silence] In unrelated news, Monica Lewinsky was seen shopping for blue dresses at the Gap.”

  19. “So Osama Bin Laden was given a burial at sea. Well, it’s about time! Luca Brasi has been waiting for this pillow fight for far too long.”

  20. “You guys hear about this Osama bin Laden guy… Uhhh here eat Doritos!!!” – Jay Leno commercial whore

  21. “They said bin Laden used one of his wives as a human shield. You hear that, Kev?”
    “Yeah, Jay, that’s messed up.”

    a) ” …And I thought MY marriage was bad!
    b) “You really have to read those prenups carefully!”
    c) “Even OJ was like, ‘that’s cold.’”

    • d) “I guess when you’re wife #23 your stock value goes way down”
      e) “Yeah, Donald Trump is taking notes”
      f) “I guess she should have gone with the Kevlar breast implants”
      g) “I guess she’ll be one of the black-eyed virgins in Muslim heaven for a different reason”

  22. “Well, we finally found Osama bin Laden. Next up: Charlie Sheen’s sanity.”

    “Word is, they could have shot him sooner, only Kanye West jumped in front of him to make a speech.”

    “So, the team that killed Osama was flown in on only two helicopters! Two helicopters! Can you imagine that? I guess they would have sent in more, but they couldn’t afford the gas.”

  23. Osama Bin laden bought a new iPhone recently… and look what happened.

  24. “…and to think this happened while NBC was grooming Bin Laden to be my replacement on the Tonight Show. Who’d've guessed?”

  25. Did you hear about Osama bin Laden using his wife as a shield? Apparently the guy that accidentally shot her said she had a nice rack.

  26. “Did you hear about thith Kevin? Did you hear about thith Bin Ladin thing?

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