Obviously, the death of Osama Bin Laden is very emotional for all of us, as he symbolizes America’s entry into the Age of Terror, which has changed everyone’s life in one way or another. Few of us, however, have had the courage and the eloquence to address how this turn of events is going to affect the PUSSIES and the people who need to “grow a pair of balls.” Until now. Thank you, Chet Haze.

Chet Haze: the one true patriot. Although, he did forget to add the “#swag” hashtag to every single one of his Tweets. Probably got 2 HAZED!

Comments (44)
  1. MC / Actor / Asshole

  2. Dead Bin Laden Day is my second favourite holiday after Pony Day.

  3. Looks like someone’s trying really hard to earn some brownie points to headline “In Performance at the White House.”

  4. FINALLY! I was so conflicted since I heard the news, now I know how to feel. Also, is one of his tweets promoting genocide? Huzzah!

  5. It’s wrong that I think he’s so cute, right? I mean, in his face, not his brains, OBV.

  6. Chet Haze was 11 on September 11th, so he was really aware of all the celebrating in other countries

  7. I’m saying I’m going to start all my sentences from now on with “I’m saying.” #ITSLIKETHAT

  8. I used to be uncomfortable with you guys mocking Chet Haze, what with the privileged child of celebrity millionaires truly being the lowest hanging fruit and all, and also in light of his half-brother and father being notoriously awesome but HOLY JESUS DO I GET IT NOW.
    Damn you Chet Haze! How can the spawn of anyone involved in The ‘Burbs* be so fucking lame? THAT GOES AGAINST NATURE.

    *Oh, have you not seen that movie? Then I can’t talk to you.

  9. this post pretty much confirms it for me: today isn’t Pony Day, is it?

  10. Are there people (as Mr. Haze calls them, PUSSIES) really upset about Bin Laden being killed? Are there folks rounding up candle light vigils? Are there Facebook status campaigns, “Post this is your status…”? I’m just wondering who these winers are that Mr. Haze is referring to, ’cause clearly no one is defending Bin Laden?

  11. Anyone that wondered aloud to me via twitter (or FB or REAL LIFE – yes I have to put up with fucking idiots IRL every day too) why we shouldn’t be celebrating or what my fucking problem is, Here you go. Chet Haze, elucidating the problem in ways he never thought he could (He’s a Musi- lol, hard to type that one out – He’s a Musician, after all, he should be better at expressing himself)

  12. Al Qaeda just got….

  13. I know they’re half brothers born over a decade apart, but comparing and contrasting Chet Haze and Colin Hanks never stops being amusing to me.

  14. Yes, those terrorists are big Whiners… but if you give them an all day sucker shaped like an AK47 or a roadside bomb, they’re quiet for at least an hour.

  15. and yet he still remains silent on the fact that he body swapped the real chet hanks who is now trapped in a black man’s body in a freaky friday type situation

  16. Doctor: I am sorry. Your son didn’t make it through surgery. We did everything we could

    Mother: It’s going to be awful to wake up knowing his crazy ass is DEAD. #straightup

    Just because someone has a crazy ass doesn’t mean it is a joyful death.

    (By the way I had a whole other comment ready when I thought it read “…is crazy ass DEAD.”)

  17. I rang in the final few hours of my 24th birthday outside the White House, one arm snaked through the metal bars of its front gates as a crowd of thousands, nearly all in their mid-twenties at most, gathered to joyously, raucously, unabashedly celebrate the death of the foremost terrorist of our time.

    And as I stood in my kitchen the next day, this morning, recounting the events of the night to my sleepy roommate, she posed an excellent question: what, exactly, was everyone so happy about?

    When I read the news, I happened to be at the comedy club where I work. I do not consider myself a proponent of revenge killing, and so I am not proud that my body’s immediate, instinctive reaction to the news was to smile. But I find it telling that my grin was soon mirrored by each and every one of my coworkers at the club, all of whom, like me, had come of age in a world that Osama bin Laden had indelibly shaped.

    So why, we wonder, would several thousand young people gather to celebrate the death of another human being much in the manner of a major football victory?

    Because we needed the win.

    For those in my generation, bin Laden represented a loss of innocence. I was 14, in my first week of freshman year, when the 2001 terrorist attacks took place; I didn’t even possess the emotions needed to deal with the human tragedy that that day brought, but I soon came to understand the lasting consequences that would come with the infection of fear and anger he left behind.

    As teens and preteens, we learned from Osama bin Laden to look over our shoulders, to profile those who might hurt us, to stop trusting that adults knew what was best. We became privy to the icy chill that can come from spotting a forgotten backpack on the bus or the creeping fear of a brown person in the check-in line. We learned the truth of how cruel human beings can be and how terrible the preservation instinct can make us.

    Bin Laden is the reason for our apathy, our unhappiness, our inability to trust or get jobs or care enough about the three wars we are now in. He represents the things that went wrong, the relationships we couldn’t have, the things we were lied to about as children, the world that we never had a chance to inherit.

    We saw our country split and buckle under the conflicting pressures of self-preservation and the moral high road. We saw hundreds of thousands die in wars that we could not bring ourselves to care about, because we had learned so long ago that we are not the masters of our own fates.

    And through all of this, we knew he was still there, still pulling the strings, still relevant, his actions a decade prior still rippling through our timelines in sad and terrible ways. We waited for our world to recover from his blows, and from the continuing aftershocks of attack and retaliation, and we felt ourselves slowly deaden inside to the ugliness we saw.

    I am now 24. I have spent the last ten years, the entirety of my thinking, analytical life, seeing little to give me hope that the pendulum of history would soon begin its swing back. I have grown increasingly pessimistic, sure that one person cannot make a lasting effect on the world. And it is only now, in Osama bin Laden’s demise, that I realize that they can and that, with his death, the Millennial Generation finally has a chance it needed to put the contention and fear and ugly humanity that he represented to us to rest as well. And so perhaps what we were celebrating out there at 2am in Lafayette Square was not bloodshed at all but, in fact, the end of a painful period and the chance to take back our destinies and move on.

    • tl;dr I reposted this introspection my underemployed journalist friend wrote about Bin Laden’s death because I think it’s worth reading and sums up the feelings Chet Haze and others may have, but be unable to express. Chet Haze probably struggles with expressing many of his feelings, but that’s neither here nor there.

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