After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the Michelle Obama Watches Al Roker And Kelly Ripa Share A Crepe Caption Contest winner, and the Guest Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 Polythene Pam | Apr 27th Score:66

I think the difference is that bullying is something that follows kids home now. With all the new forms of communication kids are using there are now so many new ways to make someone feel like the world is actually conspiring against them, and I don’t think there’s a problem with putting out the message (through many of the same mediums bullies are using) that no, actually, it’s not.

Posted in: The Bully Project Trailer, You Guys
#4 Notsewfast | Apr 26th Score:67

Well I hope everyone is happy with the sex they’ve had, because this guy will be having all the sex from now on.

Posted in: Brad Is An Actor And A Model
#1 topknot | Apr 26th Score:111

“It’s days like this when my job feels like ‘Worst Lady.’” -Michelle Obama

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Michelle Obama Watches Al Roker And Kelly Ripa Eat A Crepe

[Ed. note: For the second week in a row, Caption Contest winners take the top two spots. I'm not sure if this means that people are bored by the other comment threads, or if it means that you guys have just been bringing the fire when it most mattered. Either way, congratulations, Topknot and The Hammer Is My Penis. You earned it! Maybe as a treat for yourself for winning you will change your name, The Hammer Is My Penis!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

facetaco | Apr 27th Score:-45
At the risk of saying this to a whole bunch of nerds (AKA you guys), is bullying really that big of a problem? I mean, bullies have been around pretty much forever. It is like the world’s second oldest profession. And sure, it’s mean to knock someone down and fart on their head or whatever just because they’re smaller than you. But it also kind of gets you ready for life, you know? The world is always going to be there to knock you down and fart on your head, and that’s a lesson that needs to be learned from an early age. It is bad to be a bully, but when bullies get older, most of them STOP being bullies and start being productive members of society. And those who continue being bullies, they usually end up in jail, because bullying as an adult becomes an actual crime that is prosecuted. But overall, I don’t think the whole issue is one to get worked up over compared to, say, genocide or something.
Posted in: The Bully Project Trailer, You Guys

[Ed. note: I soooort of see your point, FaceTaco, I do. There is a certain "character building" quality to dealing with adversity as a child that I am sure makes those who get through it all the stronger. But, with the spate of actual national-news-calliber DEATHS from people being bullied in the past few months, I'm not sure it's entirely fair to say that bullying just isn't a problem. Moreover, just from an emotional empathy standpoint, the deep feelings of isolation and social-discomfort that the kids in that movie trailer expressed seem worthy of, at the very LEAST, a certain level of compassion. Even if the bullies are going to become productive members of society--which is kind of your weirdest argument, because I'm not sure anyone is that worried about how the bullies turn out--from the vantage point of childhood, it is hard to understand that things change and that you can survive certain things even if to adults it seems totally clear and obvious. That pain and fear is real! So, again, even if I even agree with you that there might be some utility to mild forms of coping with bullies, the argument that this is inherently and always some kind of beneficial Social Darwinian rite of passage that everyone needs to go through isn't entirely convincing.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

[Ed. note: See above.]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

Apartment Tiger | Apr 25th Score:29

Although I haven’t seen this latest season of FNL, I’m going to guess that Ned Stark is better at shaping young men as long as the shape you are looking for is “headless”.

Posted in: Coach Taylor Vs. Ned Stark: Who Molds Young Men Better?!

[Ed. note: Clear eyes, full heart, no head.]

Comments (128)
  1. Hey monsters! Those of you who follow me on Twitter or Facebook already know, but as of yesterday, I’m now a father! Mom and baby are doing great. Elizabeth Rose was born April 28 at 2:34 p.m. weighing 6 lbs, 10 oz and was 20.5 inches long.

    Birth is terribly strange. There is something primal and alien and weird about how this tiny person, frantically waving her blue hands covered in red slime, slid headfirst from a groin into a crowd of smiling strangers. I could smell her being born–she smelled of blood and something else, sweet and anciently familiar. The baby was tethered to mother by a gnarly gray cord, which her happy weeping father cut. Then she bawled and bawled and people vigorously rubbed her down with rough towels and handed her to a beaming mother. Strange and wonderful. I don’t know if I’m making sense. I’ve slept six hours in three days.

  2. More on the bullying: after listening to my fellow monsters and a little soul searching I came out to a select group of friends yesterday. While all were very surprised, they were even more understanding. I feel like such a weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel more confident now than I have in years, I’d just like to thank you guys for encouraging me.

  3. Never change, the hammer is my penis.

    • But see, now I’m torn. I love me some “Dr. Horrible,” but at the same time, Gabe apparently hates my handle, and I am merely a guest in his bloghouse.

      Gabe, would, “The Pliers are my Penis,” be less distasteful?

      • Hoooow about….The Penis is my Penis?

        Some Penis stories (YAY! – you.) :
        I worked at a daycare were the policy was not to use euphemisms when talking about genitalia (which we did ALL THE TIME). Well, my dog was visiting and though he is neutered he sometimes pops a red rocket when he is in situations that cause him excitement (normal?)…like getting pets from screaming, happy children. SO he is getting attention and gets ‘excited’ and a little two year boy is like, “What is dat?” and I’m like, “That is his penis.” “His Pea..nut?” Obviously I corrected him, but now call my dog’s boners peanuts: ‘It’s time for a walk, put that peanut away.’ ‘Oh relax, Kelsey, it’s not even a full peanut.’ and so on.

        I’ve also accidentally typed Penis as Pennies before (if only i could blame auto correct ::sigh:: )…anyway THAT got turned into a thing and I kept hearing “Don’t touch me with your pennies.” anytime i paid with cash or tried to rub up on my boyfriend.

        SO, I’d also recommend: The Hammer is my Pennies. ♥

        ~The End~

        • Yay me, indeed. Penis stories are the best kind of stories!

          I see the logic of not using euphemisms when talking to kids about genitalia. Better to teach them correctly them to fill their heads with silly nicknames just to make the adults more comfortable, I assume is the logic? Makes sense. But I know I would just chicken out and be all, “ummm.. well, Johnny, that’s the doggie’s super-secret special dingalingdong.” Which is why I could never work at a daycare center. That, and the court order.

          Thank you Hausfrau for the suggestions. “The Penis is my Penis” and “The Hammer is My Pennies,” are definitely in contention. But after reading your story, I’m now also considering changing my name to, “The Hammer is Mr. Hausfrau’s Dog’s Red Rocket.” I can’t see any reason Gabe would bristle at that.

  4. I loves my Monsters. In a week where I wanted to murder almost every human being I came into contact with, I have you all at a safe distance keeping me sane.


  5. Guys, we almost lost videogum today. We need to do a better job of checking our technology more often. In fact, I’m checking all my sexbots, hrm, I mean robotic love companions now.

    This one is still good.

    • Mine is on the fritz

      • Don’t worry, mine’s seeking vengence at the server farm.


        • Hi Shirley Manson, I just want to say I’m a big fan and you’re adorable, I would like a new Garbage album very much.

        • I met her and Butch Vig once (I worked at a music supply store back in the day in Madison, where their home base is). At the time, they were my favorite band, and I told them as much. Shirley was super gracious, and Butch was a TOTAL DICK. I can check experiencing the “Don’t meet your heroes” cliche off my bucket list.

          Of course, Shirley once said Wisconsin is like Fargo minus the jokes, so she’s not ENTIRELY nice, either. I do eagerly anticipate the new album, though!

  6. different kind of party time.

  7. perhaps now is the time to build a bridge to the 20th century and set up a separate email account distinct from my AOL account. if you guys want to forward to me special groupon messages or fan mail you can send it to and I will try to check it on weekends on the library computers

  8. Good week, everyone. Let the festivities commence!

  9. Caption Contest win and #1 comment? That’s like Double Dream Monsters’ Ball. Here’s my buddy Boba expressing my happiness:

    Thanks Monsters!

  10. “Congratulations, you commented on an internet website. Yeah, you guys are real winners. Anyways, it’s Friday which means time to take the business suit off and put on the Parrothead! Woo!”–Mr. Coconuts

  11. If this doesn’t work now, I’m going to scream non-stop all weekend, like that kid in the picture but worse.

  12. Well, dang, congratulations!
    You look equal parts stunned and proud. I am not a parent, but I am pretty sure that both of those states will feature prominently in your life over the next while.

    • (Meant to be a reply to werttrew, but if anyone else is also stunned and proud – congratulations! Good work, everyone! Except me, who did not do so well at the replying).

  13. Never has a single thread has made me feel so good. And I haven’t even been commenting lately because of stupid work. Good job monsters, ballers, regulars and lurkers alike. Keep it light and stay awesome.

  14. I didn’t really get to say anything on the bullying post, so here goes (“yes, salchicha, we really want to hear your opinion on EVERYTHING” — you guys, probably):

    I think there’s room to say that kids will be kids and that bullying is going to be around forever. But the real difference between a kid just getting picked on a little and brushing it off, and a kid having serious problems is how the ADULTS around them handle it. Having a message out there via movies, media, etc., that says bullying can hurt at the very best may make a parent who ignores a bullied kid (or even reinforces the feelings of worthlessness) reconsider their parenting methods, and at the very least gets the kid the message that there are adults out there somewhere that are sort of on their side.

  15. I actually clapped at my laptop, so I’m really good at reality. Congratulations though! Wonderful beautiful news!


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