Well, so, right. THAT happened. I will say this about Prince William’s wedding to her Royal Highness the Duchess of Kate Middleton: it explored new depths of not caring about a thing. It was kind of like that movie The Descent in that it went as deep and dark as possible and in that I didn’t watch The Descent, either. Apparently, though, someone watched this thing? As the Hollywood Reporter points out:

The BBC feed alone was broadcast to 180 countries, in what is thought to be the biggest television event in broadcast history.

THE BIGGEST TELEVISION EVENT IN BROADCAST HISTORY?! Good grief. More like the biggest television event in BOREDcast herstory, AM I RIGHT, YOU GUYYYYYYYSSSS?! Look, we should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy, because life is short and no one else is going to do it for you, and if that thing happens to be watching two strangers in a foreign country indulging in a lavish wedding that is reminiscent of an era in which everyone was a chimneysweep and the state bird was Consumption, then knock yourself out. The rest of us will be over here wondering if you are OK. Are you sick? Did you watch the Royal Wedding because you were that kind of sick where you’re stuck in bed but it’s so uncomfortable that you can’t actually sleep? It is the only reasonable explanation, as far as I can figure out, although please feel free to post your explanations in the comments for why anyone would watch the Royal Wedding. Let’s get to the bottom of this! Or not!

Comments (105)
  1. I just like watching people get married. I dig on weddings. I bought bridal magazines for a year after I got married myself.

    • I also like football. I have a team I root for, I feel genuinely good when my team wins and genuinely bad when it doesn’t. It’s every bit as arbitrary–and yet, chicks who dig on football are cool and chicks who dig on weddings are uncool? Whatever.

      • How is it the same? Sports are a competition between skilled individuals with an unpredictable outcome. Every single game is unpredictable. Things will happen that you did not know would happen. Weddings aren’t like that.

        • You’re right–those are a couple of ways in which weddings and sports are different. I wasn’t making the case that they are the exact same thing. I fully admit that they are different. They are similar in that I have an attachment to/interest in something that has nothing to do with me, just because of what I expect that I will see when I watch. I want to watch football because I want to see a bunch of giant dudes banging their heads together. I watch weddings because I want to see people exchange vows. I can reasonably expect both of those respective things to happen when I watch either.

        • The problem is saying one is lesser than another. They are not the same, of course. But one is not better than another. And because one finds sports more interesting than weddings, that does not make one superior to someone who prefers weddings over sports. Additionally, there is a supposition that one cannot enjoy both, which is a silly supposition indeed.

      • Um, all the awards to Baby Friday. I’m sorry I was so late to say that. I had a donor appreciation breakfast this morning where the annual report I’ve been slaving over for three months was finally revealed, eating muffins and fruit… I would have much rather been here, giving you a fucking STANDING OVATION.

        Please accept this gif as my formal apology for my tardiness:

    • I don’t think chicks who dig on football are cool.

    • Confession time:
      I woke up at 3 am to let my dogs out, and I turned on the TV for a few minutes just to be sure it was DVR’ing. Then had to be up at 5 to drive to an out of town meeting, so I watched some more then. Only got to see the highlights–the queen’s arrival, Kate’s drive through town, her arrival at the church/walk down the aisle/the vows….I must admit I enjoyed it thoroughly and even teared up at one point, thinking of how wonderful it would be if Princess Di could have seen it all. I’m glad I’m not the only royal wedding-watching VGummer!! :)

  2. There were really some worthwhile hats there: The queen’s fondant hat, Fergie’s daughters’ forehead fascinators, some other hats that were held on by magic onto the sides of women’s heads. It was a momentous occasion for hats and hat enthusiasts.

  3. “And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders…”
    “Charmed… eh, a googily, googily.”

  4. Yes, I am a man. Yes, I watched the NFL Draft last night. Yes, I also got up at 5:30 to watch the Royal Wedding. Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed both.

    • Snaps to you, teacherman! OWN IT!

    • How much of a clusterfuck was the draft? Here is my impression of the first 10 minutes:

      Annoucer: Ladies and Gentleman, Commissioner Roger Goodell!
      Fans: BOOOO!
      Goodell: I hear ya! Yeah, me too!
      Fans: Boo! BOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOO!
      Goodell: Ok, settle down everyone.
      Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

      • Just realized my DVR recorded for 11 sodding hours of this BBC hell. I assume after hour 4 there will be a wedding draft? When do the Sex Pistols perform?

  5. To be honest, I never got why some people in America seem to be so obsessed with the royal wedding, because you guys stopped being part of the British empire like two hundred years ago? I hope that is right, it’s 9:30 PM in Australia and I have had quite a bit of wine (celebrating the nuptials, natch).

  6. It was pretty dull. Was nice to see my dad though. go dad!

  7. I had the day off today and YES, my girlfriend and I watched the Royal Wedding. In defense of the non-logical monarchy and all the pomp associated, its nice to watch something that has a sense of tradition associated with it (as loaded as that history may be).

    We as humans are non-logical beings and find a connection to something larger through tradition. Some doing it by cutting off the top of a penis of a baby boy, others by listening to a man at mass who through a byzantine org. chart is taking orders from god and others gossiping about celebrities.

    Also, the juxtaposition of the queen being driven down a road with a huge pile of horse to her right was pretty funny.

  8. Worst Royal Welding EVER. There was practically no metallurgy!

  9. I posted this elsewhere earlier in the week, but it bears reapeating: Best. Wedding Cake. Ever.

  10. This wedding was disgusting. I’ll start caring when gay royalty can get married instead of unfair royal civil unions.

  11. I didn’t get up early to watch it, but once I got online this morning I did a bunch of searching for pictures and whatnot.

    You know what made me more interested than I would have been a year ago? Reading Game of Thrones. I can’t explain it exactly — just, you know, everyone says Martin is basically retelling the War of the Roses. And having agreed to care about all this sort of bastardized British royal history in a fantasy novel made me curious about its legacy now.

  12. i watched it because i have nothing to live for and barely anything in this world brings me happiness anymore.

  13. A wedding is a happy thing. It’s nice to watch a happy thing.

  14. After watching the Tudors pretty intently I was excited to watch the royal wedding. Or at least the highlight reel.

  15. I listened to a radio broadcast of peoples’ reactions to the Royal Wedding, does that count?

  16. Didn’t see it. Was it as good as The King’s Speech?

    • N-nnn-nnn-nnn-nuh–nuh–IT BLOODY WELL WASN’T!

    • Um, maybe it’s because I’ve been watching a ton of Dr. Who and Look Around You, but I couldn’t get into the King’s Speech. And I love boring movies. I still have it at home and want to give it another go, but I kind of don’t care. I know how it ends. I saw that Dr. Who episode. The Tardis shows up and everyone learns a valuable lesson about scarves.

    • Um, maybe it’s because I’ve been watching a ton of Dr. Who and Look Around You, but I couldn’t get into the King’s Speech. And I love boring movies. I still have it at home and want to give it another go, but I kind of don’t care. I know how it ends. I saw that Dr. Who episode. The Tardis shows up and everyone learns a valuable lesson about scarves.

  17. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  18. I know this is not dressgum or bridalgum, but goddam I have to give a big Hell Yes to Kate’s (Catherine now?) dress. Alexander McQueen/Sarah Burton FTW.

    • Yes! I am so mad that now gowns with sleeves will be in vogue and when I got married 7 years ago all that was available were strapless sheaths. Damn you, Dame Fashion!!!

    • On a related note, that jacket really brought out the RED in dude’s FACE. I mean, I know he HAD to wear it for tradition or posterity or continuity or whatever, but YIKES! If you have that complexion, you ought to avoid wearing red. #gaygum

      Also: doesn’t FTW mean Free The Whales? I’ve been seeing this everywhere and feeling like an ass for never getting what anything has to do with not making delicious perfume out of brutally harvested sea mammal carcass.

    • She’ll always be Kate to me! Also, both of her dresses were beautiful. Liked her sister’s too, but not sure about made of honor also in white

  19. I was not a fan of the flaming red unitard/uniform that ol Willy had to wear.

    Quick – in five seconds or less, say his last name! You don’t know it, do you? Nobody does! [/monster who doesn't know if they announced it on the show or not]

    PS – It’s not “Crindy”

    • Mountbatten-Windsor

    • You mean His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Earl of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Master of Arts?

      • Also more Wikipedia fun:

        For the male-line grandchildren of Elizabeth II, however, there is currently some uncertainty over the correct form of family surname to use, or whether there even is a surname. The Queen has stipulated all her male-line descendants who do not bear the titular dignity of prince shall use Mountbatten-Windsor as their family surname although Letters Patent exist stipulating the name Windsor, but with the same caveat. According to their flight suits as seen in television interviews, Princes William and Harry have continued to use Wales as their surname for military purposes.

  20. To punish myself for not being able to sleep, I subjected myself to this broadcast and Matt Lauer’s inane commentary.

  21. I woke up early for some stupid reason and said to myself, “Well, might as well see what all the lorries is about.” Here’s where the evil-bully-asshole in me got out: I was about to turn it off but couldn’t because I kept staring at the cross-eyed flower girl. I hate myself.

  22. I, Lieutenant General Sir Francis Lloyd Wrong, KBE, declare… Royal Wedding gifs!

  23. I care about sad things all the time, it’s nice to not do that every now and then.

  24. Sorry, I’d rather wear Pippa’s dress than Kate’s dress for my wedding. To my cats.

  25. As the wedding took place in the dead of night (American time), I’m pretty sure Dylan Dog was watching.

  26. I think it’s really rude of the Royal Family to take this special day away from Michael Scott.


  27. “Hey, some of us enjoy the pomp and circumstance. As a fashion bug myself, the outfits are enough to get me to tune in.”–Mr. Coconuts

  28. I watched it because it was on at the gym, and I can’t ever seem to find the remote for the TV. The only thing I took away is that no one seemed to be “steering the horses” as the happy couple rode off in their carriage. How did they know where to go? Mysterious AND impressive.

  29. Great, I Tivo’d 6 hours of CNN coverage to watch when I get home from work…
    Then BOOM, you reveal the ending here without even the courtesy of a “Spoiler Alert” headline?

  30. Gabe, I want to marry you in a modest and private ceremony for this post. Strangers can talk about it if they want but that would just be weird.

  31. I live about 20 minutes away from all this and my place of work is right between Trafalgar Square and St James Park (the greenspace near Buckingham Palace). A bunch of my friends went there to basically hang out and soak it all up all morning and I was meant to be joining them.

    Instead, I stayed up until 5 playing Fallout Vegas, woke up just in time to catch the ceremony on TV, tweet about it and then have continued to play Fallout Vegas in my underwear, eating Creme Eggs, drinking tea and enjoying my day off.

    THANKS FUTURE KING AND QUEEN DUDES!

    • This is an intervention. It’s going to be hard for you to hear, but it’s necessary:

      You’re not English. You don’t live 20 minutes away from Buckingham Palace. You’re not David Bowie. You’re a college dropout living in his mom’s basement in Idaho.

      • Ah me old mucker, you’re trying to pull me leg aren’t you! I know you mean the Idaho Pub right down from the chippy, round the corner from the crumpet shop? You know, just down the apples and pears behind the lorry??

        Right??

        Riiiiiighhtt???!?!

  32. I pointedly did not watch it; I spent the way watching NASA TV for updates about the final launch of Endeavour before a heater problem meant they had to scrub the launch for at least 72 hours. So disappointed. WORST DAY EVER.

    I like weddings, but I very much do not like monarchies, so me and this stuff just don’t mix. I can’t sit through all that pomp and circumstance without a cauldron of indignant rage starting to bubble inside of me. I know it’s very fairytale cinderella princess just look at the pretty dresses and forget life to most people, but I just can’t get into that… guess I’m too much of a heathen socialist republican. Someone online said “Just enjoy it and let it distract you from real world problems for a while,” but I just can’t, because to me monarchy is a real world problem. #boringandseriousgum

  33. The reason to watch royal weddings is the same reason as to watch the Oscars: the clothes.

  34. More exciting than American Football anyway!

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