Whose got Royal Wedding fever?! Everyone, probably. According to Katie Couric, everyone has it. The thing about the Royal Wedding is that it just make sense for people to care about. We live in America in the year 2011, so naturally we’re just going to gravitate to pomp and excitement of a titular prince whose brother likes to dress up in Nazi costumes getting married to a woman from Marks and Spencer (just kidding, I don’t know what that is) while that lady from Kids in the Hall watches from a balcony. So neat! So relevant to the things that we all enjoy and find important! Anyway, since we are definitely ALL throwing a Royal Wedding viewing party tomorrow (I’ve got the episode of the Today Show where Al Roker taught us how to make crumpets DVR’ed and I’ve watched it five times to GET READY!) here are 10 tips to make yours jolly good cheerio:

1. Don’t throw a fucking Royal Wedding viewing party, are you kidding? Who cares about this stupid thing?!
2. Have you seen Sherlock yet? The BBC’s new modernized take on Sherlock Holmes? If you haven’t, you should host a Sherlock viewing party! (Even if you HAVE, you should host a Sherlock viewing party. Watch it again!)
3. Or Luther, that is also great!
4. Ooh, make invitations for your Sherlock/Luther viewing party that shows Sherlock and Luther holding hands! Hahaha! I love both of them equally.
5. Make some thematic snacks. Like, pipes filled with crushed oreos for Sherlock, or, for Luther, cucumber sandwiches that can only be eaten after a rigorous game of cat and mouse with a sociopath.
6. You know what, this is starting to sound like a lot of work. You don’t have to have a viewing party for anything. Read a book for once!
7. You could also just sleep in. The Royal Wedding airs at six in the morning? THE FUCK IT DOES!
8. Did you sleep in? Good. Now have breakfast!
9. A good host or hostess always sends his or her guests a thank you note. In this case, thank everyone for not talking to you about the Royal Wedding because what is there to talk about?
10. Throw England in the garbage.

That ought to do it. See you at 6AM just kidding goodnight!

Comments (118)
  1. We can still wear our fancy hats, though, right?

  2. I for one think it’s inspirational that a prince who is fine looking and not a Nazi can marry a beautiful woman,

  3. Sherlock party at my house!

  4. In England, they call Royal Weddings “lorreally huge wastes of money.”

  5. I will be wearing my orange tuxedo and looking forward to a fine late evening/early morning of tea and strumpets.

  6. Why are we even talking about the royal wedding when the NFL draft is tonight?

    If you want me to give a shit about Prince William and Miss Catherine, tell me their 40 yard dash times and which of them tested positive for steroids.

  7. The Royal Wedding seems like such a perfect thing to put on the TV as white noise while I sleep for the last two hours of the night. But we can still make it a party! Come on over with your pajamas and chamomile at, like, 10pm tonight and we’ll all snuggle up in the living room and sleep. I’ll set an alarm to turn the TV on at like 4am when the coverage starts. You guys can just keep sleeping. Then we can say we had a watching party but we’ll all be really well rested and satisfied.

  8. “Throw England in the garbage” cured my bipolar disorder.

  9. FINALLY! I have a reason to snort some coke off a dead hooker’s bum.

  10. 11. Make sure you’ve got your refrigerator fully stocked with snacks

  11. I’m really TYRED of all this Royal Wedding nonsense

  12. Sherlock Party!


    • I think his parents were in a contest to name their son the most British thing ever.

      “Let’s see, we have it narrowed down to Chesterton P. Harrowsley, Reginald J. Pennysworth, and Benedict Cumberbatch.”

      “Benedict Cumberbatch? Where do you get your ideas? We have a winner!”

    • Yesssss! Followed with the Saturday night viewing of new Doctor Who!

      It would be the BEST DAY EVER.

  13. re: the sherlock holmes with that martin freeman/friedman guy – totally dig that noise even though the first episode was a million times better than episodes two and three. the moriarity stuff was lame but the rest of it, particularly martin freeman as watson, fucking rad

  14. Guys, I’m worried people aren’t taking this wedding seriously enough. We need to give it a tag line.

    Will & Kate: In weddings, no one can hear you scream

    Help me out here.

  15. At least she’s marrying him now that he’s ugly. THE CROWN MEANS TRUE LUVS!

    Don’t get me wrong: this monster thought those kids were good looking cats (COOL CATS!) back in the day, but Wills looks like he got hit with a frying pan that also removes hair compared to how he looked maybe 5 years ago.

    • Oh God, I know, he’s no where near as good looking as he used to be. PLUS, imagine all the bullshit she has to put up with, like, forever. It better be true love!

      • I imagine Charlie Kelly’s face in your awesome avatar is what Wills should have in 2015 or so. His hair will be mostly gone and he’ll be compensating with the beard, but the joke’s on him because it rains in England ALL. THE. TIME. He’ll be ol “Wet Beard Will,” like the crazy uncle at parties who no one is sure he’s related to.

        All because he had to marry this jezebel.

    • Aw, I was the right age to have a bit of a ‘my prince will come’ crush on him in my teens. But now his once-nerdy brother is all rakishly handsome (if sort of creepy), while Will looks like an aging insurance salesman.

      I mean, who am I kidding, he’s still good-looking. But the handsome prince ship sailed a while back.

  16. I’ll be honest – I am excited for this. I am a girl and I recently got married and I like pretty dresses and weddings and I will be getting up at 6am to watch cause I get up at 630am normally so it’s not that big a deal. And I’m gonna make some PG Tips to drink while I watch. #englandgum

    • I get excited about watching most weddings, so I’m excited for this one too. That said, the coverage of it has been so embarrassing.

    • I don’t know about the wedding, but I do want to see that wedding dress! She’s one fashionable lady!

    • I’ll be honest – I am excited for this. I am a squirrel and I recently got married ate nutes and I like pretty dresses and weddings and I will be getting up at 6am to watch cause I get up at 630am normally so it’s not that big a deal. And I’m gonna make some PG Tips to drink while I watch. PLEASE SOMEONE SAVE ME #sugarbushsquirrelgum

    • I am going to watch it too, because it’s on at 8pm on Friday night here, which is an awesome time to drink several bottles of cheap wine and watch a big-ass spectacle on the teevee, and also I hope to one day complete the circle of my English peasantry roots by becoming a subject of the Queen when I get Australian citizenship, so I’d better watch the damn wedding or they won’t let me be One of Them.

      Besides, it’s better than watching other current events or Matlock reruns.

  17. I don’t know Gabe, I’d totally party with the Queen.

  18. I’m looking forward to the wedding because I can finally watch all those royalty themed movies that I’m kbligated to like because of my homosexuality. AmIRiteGays?

  19. “What hat is Kate wearing? Where will they honeymoon? Her hair is in a ponytail; is that a clue about her hairstyle? WHAT ABOUT THE DRESS!?!?!

    Oh, and 50 plus people died in tornadoes in Alabama.” — The Today Show

    • Last I heard, we we’ve cleared 100. It was a rough night down here. I don’t know how many Alabama monsters there are, but I do know that The Wurst and I are alive and well.

      I watched the tornado that went through downtown Birmingham from my apartment. That fucker was HUGE. I’ve never seen anything like it.

      Anyway, royal weddings, right?

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  21. They should keep this royal wedding crap between themselves and their 61.8 million closest friends.

  22. *Of course, in England they call “Royal Weddings” “lorries.”

  23. #6 is the best. Gabe, I heartily welcome your old age and admire your according ascent into traditionalism.

  24. I work by Trafalgar Square; it’s UTTERLY terrifying at the moment. I try not to be racist (don’t we all!) but nothing has made me hate everyone else on Earth (and everyone outside of London, for that matter) more than this event. GO AWAY TOURISTS, I’M TRYING TO WORK!

  25. I would totally murder someone if it meant I would become besties with John Luther.

    P.S. Idris Elba is pretty much the sole reason I started watching “The Wire.”

  26. Take a drink every time someone sings Queen To Be.

  27. for the sake of Gabe’s england jokes, I REALLY wish Prince William were marrying a girl named Lori

  28. How about Garth Mareghi’s Darkplace party?

  29. My roommate watched about 6 hours of Royal Wedding stuff on Easter, including Princess Di’s wedding and the Lifetime movie. And she blamed it on our new dog. Bartlet did not deserve that.

  30. Queen Elizabeth will outlive both of them, so isn’t this just an exercise in futility?

  31. My housemates are getting up at 11am to watch it (it’s 06:30am here now, yes I have been up all night, WHATEVER) and I’m like god damn, y’all, we’re Irish! We should be the country LEAST interested in this bullshit! Stop irrationally ruffling my patriotic feathers!! Whatever, I’m going to spend the entire day in my college’s library pointedly avoiding it anyway, SO THERE.

    Besides, something way more interesting is happening – the final launch of the space shuttle Endeavour! WOO!! Who wants to watch that with me instead?! Anyone? Anyone… ? *hangs head in nerd corner*

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