“So, Lindsay Lohan’s been in the news lately.” That was a bit from my new topical stand-up comedy routine. Imagine me saying that but also with the sound of shuffling newspapers. LADIES AND GERMS. Anyway, this weekend, Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 120 days in prison, (she served five hours before being released), and yesterday it was reported that she would be working at a morgue as part of her sentence. (Also something about her being cast in a movie about John Gotti, which, well right. Cool movie, can’t wait to see that movie.) And now she is going to be a comic book! From ONTD:

The comic is titled Infamous: Lindsay Lohan and is set for a September 2011 release, but given the 24-year-old’s latest legal shenanigans, there’s still plenty to be added to the issue.

“Lohan is both a victim of the all-consuming celebrity culture and a perpetrator of bad decisions, lack of self-control and an unhealthy sense of entitlement,” writer Marc Shapiro said.

“This issue can be seen as a tragedy in motion; it’s last chapter has yet to be written.”

Haha. Hey, Ralph Waldo Hemingway, just write the last chapter. It’s a Lindsay Lohan COMIC BOOK. Go ahead and write the last chapter. Tragedy in motion. Right. Are we still talking about the Lindsay Lohan COMIC BOOK? I thought so. Take it easy. Also this:

According to Shapiro, the 32-page book is not all about the salacious headlines, mug shots and outrageous behavior, but tries to examine the underlying causes of Lohan’s inability to “straighten out her life.”

Excuse me, but if you are going to write a Lindsay Lohan comic book, you might as well make it all about the salacious headlines, mug shots and outrageous behavior. It is, after all, a Lindsay Lohan comic book. I’m not saying that there aren’t college-level essays to write about the psychological effects of extraordinary fame on a still-developing human teenager, especially one with an obviously fractious and destructive home life, and that there isn’t something to be said for the larger machinations in which Lindsay Lohan is helplessly trapped, but, again, this is a 32-page LINDSAY LOHAN COMIC BOOK (with, it should be noted, a mug shot ON THE COVER) so let’s all just take it easy. Write the last chapter, sir. Make it salacious and outrageous. And then GO TO BED.

Comments (33)
  1. With comic book movie adaptations being all the rage these days, you have to wonder who will play her on the big screen. Possible suggestions:
    Emma Stone
    Carrot Top (only if he keeps the straight hair)
    Molly Ringwald
    Birdie
    Lindsay Lohan
    Rihanna.

  2. The advantage of Lindsay Lohan in comic book form is that you get to experience all the crazy, but if you plow through it in an afternoon you won’t end up needing a prescription for Valtrex.

  3. Her superpower in the book is that she becomes twin sisters, and gets her parents to remember why they loved each other

  4. I try to treat Lindsay Lohan like I treat any other child: Ignore negative behavior and reward positive behavior. If she makes a movie that is good and I want to see, I will pay money to see that movie. If she does stupid shit like pass out with her mouth open in someone’s car or not show up for a court date, then I will ignore it.

    I don’t need TMZ or some crappy comic book artist making money off of someone being dumb.

  5. I’d be interested to see what Grant Morrison’s take on this clown would be like.

  6. I hear the “chapter” on “Herbie Fully Loaded” will really change your mind about that “film.”

  7. For whatever reason, I cannot look at this in a way that makes sense. A Lindsay Lohan comic book is about as logical to my brain as an Emily Blunt meatloaf.

    However, stay tuned as comics are SRS BUSINESS, and I am sure I will have an apoplectic fit when by brain fully processes this news.

  8. Please include all the dirt, sir! I want to feast on the Salacious Crumbs.

  9. Make Lindsay Lohan’s body flat, and you take away her only plausible appeal.

  10. I can’t draw, which is just one reason I would not try and make a comic book.

    The drawing on the cover doesn’t even look like Lindsay Lohan. So, if you are going to make a Lindasy Lohan comic book*, please hire an artist that can at least sort of represent your subject.

    *Please just don’t make a Lindsay Lohan comic book.

  11. I thought we were calling these “graphic novels” now LOL

  12. We all knew this happened, right?

  13. “The anticlimactic end to a somewhat lackluster saga” – last chapter, still.

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