We don’t usually report on behind-the-scenes casting news because it’s more like behind-the-scenes casting SNOOZE, am I right? It’s just hard to get excited about who is going to be playing some scientist in a movie that’s not coming out for three years, especially when half the time they don’t even end up playing that scientist at all because now they are playing a reclusive but inspiring professor. (Although, I have been enjoying watching the breathless casting updates for the movie adaptation of The Hunger Games because it’s just a ton of child actors I’ve never heard of. Haha. NEAT! It’s almost TOO exciting that Willow Shields ??? will be playing Prim Everdeen!) In general the whole prospect of behind-the-scenes casting news is like someone telling you that you may or may not get a sandwich in a year and a half, and you’re like, well, what’s on the sandwich, and they’re like maybe lettuce, and you’re like, OK, I like lettuce OK, what else? and they’re like, tomatoes are in serious talks to be on the sandwich with Quiznos as the sandwich artist, and you’re like oh great, tomatoes! But then they’re like, well, it looks like lettuce is out, but there is going to be cheese, and you’re like, hmm, I could go either way with cheese, and they are like, also tomatoes couldn’t do it because of scheduling conflicts so the role of tomatoes will now be played by oranges, and you’re like, well, oranges on a sandwich is problematic, and then you find out Tubby’s Submarines has taken over, which isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t exactly a vote of confidence, either, and also, you’re kind of hungry now and don’t feel like waiting TWO YEARS for this sandwich. All of that being said, The Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reporting this morning that Dame Jeremy Renner of the Queen’s Realm is probably going to replace Matt Damon as Jason Bourne. That’s great! Dame Jeremy Renner is the best. I mean, Matt Damon is the best, but so that is why this might even work out. GET ME BOURNE! HIT HIM IN THE FACE WITH THE BOOK! NOT IF I FIND YOU FIRST! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! ACTING!

Comments (27)
  1. Bourne again?

  2. And sometimes a sandwich is all made, and they’re like sorry America we’re not giving you this sandwich, we might not even sell it at our store, but eventually, maybe, you can have the sandwich

    • Or they’re like, this sandwich is in high demand, so now it’s $5 a gallon for this sandwich, and you have to eat it.

      We’re talking about oil prices, right?

  3. I hate when they remake perfectly fine sandwiches with American cheese. Gross.

  4. So far, the majority of the meat in these posts today have been about sandwiches and pizza. Maybe you should take a lunch break, and we can regroup when your head’s in a better place.

    • I have to go find a pizza place that will make me a turkey sub pizza.

      • I used to live near a pizza place that would make pretty much any damn pizza if they had the stuff to put on it, and had a surprising amount of options. It was the trashiest place ever, but when you have a hangover, there’s pretty much nothing in the world better than a chili-and-dorito pizza while watching movies that have Ernest in them.

      • The high school I went to had pizza burgers. In my adult life, I have only seen these in the form of a hamburger topped with pizza sauce and mozarrella. Delicious, yes, but nothing will compare to the taste of the one from high school.

        Pizza and burger flavors mashed into a patty that was for some reason crunchy.

    • I suspect the underlying issue is that we’re right in the middle of Passover, in which pizza, sandwiches (Hillel sandwiches excepted, ), and other delicious leavened foods are an abomination. All my conversations with observant friends this week have invoked pizza at least once. By my calculation, this place will probably be Pizzagum by the end of the day.

  5. Am I supposed to be hungry after reading this? Because I am. GET ME A SANDWICH!

  6. First pizza, now sandwiches. I got $20 on the next post being about donuts. Who’s in?

  7. HEY! Subway is the sandwich artist – full stop.

  8. As long as it’s not a 3D sandwich, trying to eat with those glasses on is a challenge guys, stop trying to make me do it!
    And I have to pay way more than the perfectly good sandwich I had last time around which didn’t make my head go all fuzzy after avoiding crumbs nearly hitting my in the face.

  9. Wait, I’m not getting the “Dame Jeremy Renner” thing. His Wiki says he was born in Modesto, CA.

  10. The only thing that matters to me is the tragedy that I may not get my Jeremy Renner meat (no homo) on my The Master PT Anderson antiscientology Sandwich. Bourne Shmourne.

  11. What if instead of movies we made $150 million dollar sandwiches? #hollywoodpostitnote

  12. Gabe, I think you focused so much on your sandwich metaphors that you forgot to read the article. He is neither replacing Matt Damon NOR playing Jason Bourne.

    GABE JUST GOT SANDWICHED!!!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.