Michael Stipe added, “Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool.” Etc.

Comments (53)
  1. Kind of ironic, since Gabe is a New Yorker who would like to be in Gwyneth Paltrow.

    • that doesnt meet the technical definition of irony, maybe you meant coincidentally

      • Nope, Steve, it’s irony. It would be coincidental if Gabe maybe came across the headline, or if someone pointed it out in general, but Gabe’s mocking tone of the actual post following the headline does make it ironic. Thanks for playing!

        • No it doesnt. You dont know what ironic means. Irony is when you achieve the opposite of your intention so that doesnt work. Go buy yourself a dictionary and stop talking about how so and so “came across the headline” GROSS!!!

          • Dudes, I think Steve Winwood is Dave Eggers. http://www.alternet.org/story/401/

          • But, if his intention is to deride Gwyneth Paltrow, then doesn’t his secret desire impart an antipathetic meaning to the statement? Then he WOULD be achieving the opposite of his (literal) intention.

            (I added “literal” in because I also saw that episode of Futurama, but I should point out that the dictionary that Bender used was not an actual dictionary, but an animated one.)

          • Dude man, first, there are multiple types of irony; second, see Chris Braak’s comment below. Also, think of anything Tobias said in Arrested Development.

  2. Gabe you’re not insulting Michael Stipe are you? Since Michael Stipe is the best?

    Actually I love you Michael Stipe but did not happen, Gwyneth had Consuela throw the duck into the pool, even though Consuela was teaching Apple all the colors of the rainbow

  3. You know, I never, ever, ever, ever come across Gwyneth Paltrow in my life UNLESS it’s on this site (and it’s always on this site).

    I’m just saying….remember at school when you pick on the girl you really fancy, pulling her hair and teasing her about this and that, whilst secretly, deeply (deep, down in the childish, fearful heart of yours) aching to tell her how pretty her hair shines when she sits in front of you in English class…..

    GABE 4 GWYNETH 4EVAZ!!1!?!?!

  4. New Yorker Art Director #1: “Oh damn! We don’t have any art for this Paltrow piece.”
    New Yorker Art Director #2: “Use the drawing of Aniston we used last month, but throw an apron on it. Fuckin’ problem solver. That’s what I am.”

  5. Sorry Gabe. I only read the New Yorker for Richard Avedon’s pictures of Lenny.

  6. In England they call “The New Yorker” “The New Amsterdamer.”

  7. “If you want to seem likable and relatable to the average person, be sure to always mention your celebrity friends in every interview no matter what the conversation is.” – Gwyneth’s Publicist

  8. Oh Gabe, by now you simply must understand that a lap pool treated with French sea salt is a fantastic way to let your poultry retain its proper moisture long after the flames have subsided. I was summering with Jay-Z, Beyonce, Ed Burns and my dearest Christy Turlington in the Hamptons when Michael Stipe came by and suggested we have a barbecue. Naturally Gwennie stepped up to the challenge, offering to cook an organic free-range duck that Chris had hunted earlier in the day with the children. (You simply must get out of the city and see some nature! While I prefer East Hampton, sometimes you just need to stay at the Southampton estate to make sure the locals have not taken off with your 3,000 thread count Egyptian cotton linens! Ugh, locals!) Anyway, we were all so delighted! Another Paltrow specialty! Though I prefer her English pheasant recipe she picked up while getting voice lessons from Elton John, the duck simply *was* divine.

  9. True story: when gwyneth paltro threw the duck in the pool that was the inspiration for Losing My Religion which Michael Stipe would sing to great critical acclaim and to the top of the charts

  10. That article made me want to lose my lunch.

  11. I just GOOP’d all in my mouth after reading that. Her blatant self-unawareness has almost become real life performance art at this point. I’m starting to think that is the only explanation.

  12. “INVEST IN WHAT’S REAL. Clean as you go. Drink while you cook.” (emphasis mine)

  13. As you all may know, I am a stalwart defender of GP (“Yes! We know. Shut it, Tables” – you all), but by the honor of greyskull, this is a terrible terrible article. I want to shake everyone mentioned. Especially the author, who admittedly was not mentioned per se, but still deserves my ire.

  14. Oh. My word. “Paltrow greeted people by the door, holding a glass of cucumber water. Her mother, Blythe Danner, arrived. “Hi, Mommy,” Paltrow said. Danner unfurled a white monogrammed cloth: “I brought you something. Daddy’s napkin.” “Oh, boy,” Batali said. “The tears are gonna fly now, baby.”

    Whoa. So, um, like, have any of you guys ever seen the SNL skit from back in the day when the Earl of Sandwich and Lord and Lady Douchebag are at a party together? It’s just….this…whole story….well, it just reminded me of sandwiches and douchebags. That’s all.

  15. Is Lizzie Widdicombe actually Gwyneth Paltrow writing in 3rd person? I didn’t think anyone could name-drop more than her.

  16. Jeffrey Steingarten did an interview with her for Vogue last year on the cookbook, and managed to offend her by asking real questions. http://www.mediaite.com/online/vogue-publishes-what-may-be-the-best-article-ever-written-about-gwyneth-paltrow/

    “Things had gone so smoothly between Gwyneth and me that I thought I had a journalistic obligation to shake things up, to peer behind what seemed to me an impossibly perfect life, and so, despite the strong affection I had developed for Gwyneth, I wanted to ask her some rude questions. After discussing the family’s new dog, a Maltese the children wanted to name Daffodil (the downside being that the dog’s likely nickname would be Daffy), and several gastronomic matters, I warned Gwyneth that I might ask a few questions she might find unpleasant, but that she wouldn’t have to answer any of them. I remembered interviews from fifteen years ago, probably in Vogue, of several supermodels, and recalled a few of the questions. Had she ever had plastic surgery? Would she rather have somebody else’s body? Did she hate any part of her own, the way Nora Ephron had written about how much she hated her own neck?”

    ” There was a brief pause. Gwyneth said, “I’ll have to give that a little thought.” Her voice had changed. It was as though a cloud had passed over the sun.

    At that moment, Gwyneth’s children and their caretaker burst in, and her attention shifted. They had given their tiny new dog a bath outside, and now it was shivering uncontrollably. I suggested that they hug it tight and begged off the telephone. It was the last time I spoke with Gwyneth.”

    • Can I play Gwyneth’s advocate? Wasn’t the guy dispatched to report on the cooking? What does plastic surgery have to do with cooking?

      • He is writing for Vogue, and he is Jeffrey Steingarten. If you’ve ever watched Iron Chef America and seen the obnoxious fat critic, then you’ve seen him. Regardless I don’t think his questions were off base since in the rest of the article they discussed a lot more about her life than just food.

  17. “Paltrow greeted people by the door, holding a glass of cucumber water.” More like BARF water, AMIRITE GUYS?

    • Also, I am very happy to see that Gwyneth has almost definitely read the fine DFW piece, “Consider the Lobster.” Those Lobster screams… stuff of nightmares, right? (I don’t think I’ll ever reach a social status where it is acceptable for me to eat lobster… so I can only imagine what that’s like)

  18. “People who don’t know me think I never eat when in reality i eat apples and drink cucumber water allll the time just like all you fat girls!” – Gwyneth Paltrow

  19. I knew a girl in High School who was anorexic and grrrrrl was OBSESSED with food. Insisted on fresh ingredients, loads of cream in everything. Always talking about food and trading recipes.

    Every single person I’ve met with an eating disorder has been exactly the same relationship with food.

    If Gwyneth does, in fact, eat ‘like a truck driver’, it’s this guy at best:

  20. *had exactly the same relationship. Stupid me.

  21. Who the hell drinks cucumber water that’s just fucking gross

  22. STFU-eth Paltow was EVERYWHERE this weekend. Everywhere. I am done. The New Yorker used to occasionally have interesting articles about interesting things. I turned OFF all sources the interwebs last night and curled up with the new New Yorker expecting to have my psychic universe expanded in some minute way. Instead I was confronted with her horribleness in this ridiculous puf piece where has-been celebs were brought out of their dusty closets to wank all over her Turduken. The Goopy take over of all media is ridiculous and intrusive and I want it to end!!!!

  23. Why are we ignoring the real issue here? JESSICA SEINFELD. In g(p)oop and in the NYer article, this woman rears her stupid, useless, vapid, garbageface. Every quote I’ve ever read makes me hate her with the heat of a nova – especially the way she crawls up Gwyneth’s ass and curls up for a warm nap.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.