kutcher_college

Ashton Kutcher crashed a college lecture hall in Iowa City this week, where one assumes he is either filming a movie, or visiting his old alma matter for whatever reason people like him do anything besides money and/or risky, meth-fueled sex with multiple partners. This much we know, he DID “stroll” into a lecture hall, and from there he proceeded to open his mouth and let words come out of it. From the DailyIowan:

When Ashton Kutcher strolled into a University of Iowa lecture hall on Tuesday, the Hollywood actor was met with a wave of screams, squeals, and clapping.

But once the starstruck commotion subsided, the Iowa-born celebrity spoke to UI students about problem solving, fulfilling their potential, and Newtonian physics.

Sure! I mean, honestly, three-quarters of my mental life is spent imagining what I would do to mess with people if I was famous, and “strolling” (really, Daily Iowan? Did he really STROLL in?!) into a college classroom and “giving a lecture” has probably been on my I’m Rich And Bored Now What? List at some point or another. But something about the part where he supposedly discussed “Newtonian physics” in his lecture set off the state-of-the-art Duh Aficionado Liar Alarms, so I did a little digging (by which I mean I read a little bit more, but not all, of the article). Yeah, but, so, obviously, he didn’t do that:

Kutcher emphasized he got where he is today by identifying problems that affect a large group of people, helping to solve them, and never giving up.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction — that’s a fundamental law of physics,” he said. “If you can find a problem that other people have and you can solve it, then you’re going to find immense amounts of happiness because you’re creating happiness for them.”

HAHAHHAH. Right. I mean, right. In his defense, that basically IS a lecture on Newtonian physics if your professor is ASHTON KUTCHER. But that is not a lecture on Newtonian physics. Duh.

I do like this picture, though:

Careful, ladies! Don’t all learn at once! (Thanks for the tip, Trevor and Nick.)

Comments (59)
  1. “If you can find a problem that other people have and you can solve it, then you’re going to find immense amounts of happiness because you’re creating happiness for them.”

    PROBLEM: Little slave girl does not have an owner.
    SOLUTION: ???


  2. So these kids totally think they’ll have an accredited teacher, but they’re in for a surprise

  3. So, they’re taking mental notes in this class?

  4. “What time is it? Oh. Hey, I gotta go, I have a train to catch.” -Ashton Kutcher’s lecture on relativity.

    • If a train leaves a station going 75 miles an hour headed towards a destination 425 miles away how much money does Ashton Kutcher get to play the conductor?

  5. Let’s all pool our money and see if we can get some grant funding to get Ashton, Keanu Reeves, and Nicolas Cage on the global warming sitch.

  6. I’m a college professor, and I highly doubt Kutcher crashed a lecture; my guess is this was set up wayyy in advance even if it was a secret. No way he randomly wandered into a class on calculus and just started blabbering.

  7. A body of mass (whereis) subject to a net force (dude) undergoes an acceleration (mycar) that has the same direction as the force and a magnitude that is directly proportional to the force and inversely proportional to the mass, i.e., (dude) = (whereismycar). Alternatively, the total force applied on a body is equal to the time derivative of linear momentum of the body.

  8. I once strolled into a statistics class where I explained why it is almost impossible to find a lecture hall full of people, none of whom fucking hate Ashton Kutcher and would just like to get on with the learning please.

  9. His explanation of “Schrodinger’s Pussy” was not met with the same enthusiasm.

  10. Well, Ashton’s first rule of Newtonian physics states that the number of Newtons you can fit into your mouth is M+W/X where M=mouth capacity, W=width of Newton, and X=the size of the glass of milk that you plan to chase it with.

  11. rise of planet of the apes

  12. I suppose this is Ashton’s way of trying to remind the world: I’m Still Here

  13. Didn’t anyone tell him that Newtonian physics has no satisfactory explanation for quantum mechanics or nuclear physics and that, as a model for the universe, it’s mostly been supplanted? Ashton’s been punk’d!

  14. How fast is an apple (Ashton’s career) going as it falls down and eventually crashes?

  15. I have to assume the students loved going to class and having their time wasted. It’s what I loved most about college.

  16. real men don’t understand newtonian physics.

  17. “Kutcher emphasized he got where he is today by identifying problems that affect a large group of people, helping to solve them, and never giving up.”

    I thought he got where he is today by being good looking in an ironic sitcom set in the 70′s? Or is ” no ironic sitcoms set in the 70′s” the problem he helped solved? But then he gave up? I don’t understand physics.

  18. the last sentence of ashton’s lecture – “and students, if you don’t understand what i mean – just buy the butterfly effect on dvd and it will explain everything.”

  19. Pretty sure the University of Iowa isn’t his “alma mater,” just his home state. Which, I’ve always felt, makes his superfandom slightly more annoying.

  20. Newton’s little known fourth law states that Ashton Kutcher will remain in a state of celebrity until acted upon by the force of reason.

  21. I think Ashton is just jealous that James Franco is actually in college, so he’s decided to crash.

    Question to Ashton, what problems have you solved?

  22. Goddammit I would be so aggravated if he crashed a lecture I was in, no matter how boring it was. So after my groan and either shouting or muttering, depending on my mood, of “Come on!” I would understand that this meant it was okay to leave. I do wonder how bothered he would be if even one student just got up and left as he started to speak.

  23. “Is this gonna be on the test?”

  24. “Nobody out-Francos Franco!” -James Franco, upon hearing this news, followed by signing up for a doctorate degree in physics.

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