gwynety_jay_z

What happens when two Lifestyle Website Entrepreneurs interview each other? The universe opens up and swallows us all, finally collapsing on itself and suffocating all of existence into a forgotten blip They say ridiculous things! That is what was proven this week when Gwyneth Paltrow, the founder of Goop, interviewed Jay-Z, the founder of Life + Times. (Apparently, Matthew McCaunaughey, the founder of JK Livin, was busy.) So Gwyneth interviewed Jay-Z on her lifestyles website, and then Jay-Z interviewed Gwyneth for his lifestyles website. Cool. I wonder how much Voss water they both drank?!

Gwyneth Paltrow: As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?

Jay-Z: I think it’s every human’s job to inspire others, to feed one another’s senses. Inspiration begets inspiration times infinity. Imagine if the person that was inspired to create the phonograph didn’t share it with the world.

Oh good grief. I mean, spouting off empty platitudes about inspiration are basically the whole POINT of starting your own lifestyles website, so there’s no reason to complain about it. It’s like complaining about water for being too wet while it spouts off empty platitudes about inspiration on its lifestyles website. But it is hilarious to imagine the person that “was inspired” (because I’m sure that’s how it happened) to “create” (again, haha) the phonograph not sharing it with the world. “This is just for me!” Probably no one else would have ever “created” a “highly profitable machine” and we’d never even have music and Hitler would be president.

Of course, when Jay-Z interviews Gwyneth Paltrow, it only gets worse:

Jay-Z: Personally I was very surprised at your extensive knowledge of hip-hop songs. Particularly how you can sing ’90s hip-hip songs word for word. I can’t even do that! How does a girl from Spence discover hip-hop?

Gwyneth Paltrow: I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was about 16 (1988) by some boys who went to collegiate. The Beastie Boys were sort of the way in for us preppie kids. We were into Public Enemy, Run-DMC and LL Cool J. But then I went to LA the summer between my junior and senior year of high school and I discovered N.W.A which became my obsession. I was fascinated by lyrics as rythym and how Dre had a such different cadence and perspective from say, Eazy-E, who I thought was one of the most ironic and brilliant voices hip-hop has ever had. It was an accident that I learned every word of Straight Outta Compton and to love something that a.) I had no real understanding of in terms of the culture that it was emanating from and b.) to love something that my parents literally could not grasp. But I was hooked. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner last night but I could sing to you every single word of N.W.A’s “Fuck Tha Police” or [Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock's] “It Takes Two.” Go figure.

GO FIGURE, INDEED. You know what, these two deserve each other. GOODBYE, JAY-Z! You were the greatest rapper alive, but you’re England’s problem* now.

*Of course, in England, they call problems “lorries.”
Comments (60)
  1. I’m laughing too hard to think of a joke, which is a shame because there are obviously a shitload of jokes to be mined from this.

  2. Up until now, I’ve been wondering, “Whither the hate for Paltrow? She’s pretty harmless.” But she learned all of the words to “Straight Outta Compton” without bothering to contextualize them? It was “an accident”? Fuck you, Gwen.

  3. Ironically, Gwyneth’s dinner last night was made from the original, handwritten lyrics for “Fuck tha Police,” topped with a light organic pea puree.

  4. I’m not going to read the rest of the interviews, because I don’t hate myself, but from what you’ve posted I think it’s still clear that Gwyneth Paltrow is The Worst and that Jay-Z is just Not As Good As He Once Seemed.

  5. Wait, didn’t we go over this last week??

    Yes. Yes we did.

  6. I want to rock right now, I’m Gwynnie and I came to get down. I am internationally known, and I’m known to bake marscapone, I say things that are stupid I mean outrageous.

  7. Chris Martin: ” *checks watch* Yikes. They’re going to be in there awhile. Care for a coffee?”
    Beyonce: “That would be amazin’. “

  8. This is a prank, right? I mean, Gwyneth has morphed fully into Gabe’s over the top caricature of her now. And you know how Gabe loves pranking people. He made this up as a cool prank, on us.

  9. Okay Gywneth stop downvoting all these posts, this is all in fun, plus you’re rich, have a loving family, and are pretty

  10. This is cool and all, but I’m really waiting for the Kathrine Heigl / Nas interview myself.

    Kathrine Heigl: “I know all the words to Illmatic.”
    Nas: “Fuck you.”

  11. How horrible Gwyneth Paltrow may be (and she is. oh yes, she is!) at least she finds a way to entertain us every week.

  12. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall the day Jay-Z discovered and was surprised by Gwyneth’s extensive knowledge of rap lyrics. It would be a challenge, but it would probably have made me even more second-hand embarrassed than the interview in and of itself.

  13. I used to be a Paltrow apologist, not too long ago. “She’s trying too hard, but she’s probably nice,” I’d say, and “She’s sort of clueless, but I liked ‘Sliding Doors,’ and I appreciate her enthusiasm for nice things.”
    But I take it all back. People with famous parents and who’ve been famous for 20 years shouldn’t name-drop that much, and it’s not that hard to be even a teensy bit self-aware. And so what if you like good food. Who doesn’t? Being able to afford really fancy ham doesn’t make you a revolutionary.
    What a stupid lady. Thanks for opening my eyes, Gabe.

  14. It’s a shame her parents couldn’t literally grasp Straight Outta Compton. Whatever that means.

  15. Jay-Z: So Gwyneth, you’re husband is the worst…

    Gwyneth: No, sorry to interrupt but I’m actually the worst.

    Jay-Z: I have it written down here that you’re husband is the worst.

    Gwyneth: No, that was only during collegiate. I’m the worst now.

  16. And just like that, Jay-Z has Ninet––oh what? That’s been done before? Fuck.

  17. i am not familiar with gwyneth paltrow’s work. i wonder what she’s been in.
    *checks imdb*
    THIS BITCH IS IN FILMS I LIKE AND I DID NOT KNOW.

  18. “As a rich person that hangs out with other rich people, I’ve spent time with you since you’re rich…”

  19. Busting mad rhymes seems effortless, but unless one has the proper tools for the job, you can find yourself in quite a pickle!

    It is important that you make sure that when you pop your collar, it stays popped! I’ve found that the Tipped Logo Polo by Moncler ($155, Bloomingdale’s) maintains a sturdy position, no matter how fresh your dance moves.

    No one on the corner has swagger like you? Not true, unless you sport these new swagger-boosting BOSS Orange Kingville “I” sneakers ($125, hugoboss.com)

    Nothing is more embarassing than trying to spit liquid hot fire while you have some unwanted dirt on your shoulder. For brushing off said dirt, I recommend using the Evercare Magik Brush ($10, Amazon.com)

    That’s all for now. Happy Rapping!

    -G. Paltreezy

    • Additionally some free-style rap contests (or battles as my good friend Jay-Z calls them) can cause a fair amount of stress to ones body and soul. It’s important to decompress with tea or a relaxing massage. I try to sip my Himalayan Sherpa’s tea while I get the massage so that I can shave precious moments of my hectic mom schedule. I prefer the tough, strong hands of Ukranian peasants. You can usually find these peasants on trips to the Continent when you’re picking up handmade embroidered organic linens for your children’s living room forts. I try to keep two or three peasants around, especially as they are quite skilled at entertaining each other. Believe me, a lonely peasant does not live long! You do NOT want to have to tell your dear child Moses that another Ukranian woman has passed, especially before she finishes training him in the art of artesian cheese making.

  20. Her attitude towards fame is almost feudal. Much like it was a baron’s duty to protect his serfs, so too must a figure of cultural importance protect figures of cultural irrelevance from the dangers refined sugar and underestimating how busy millionaires like Sofia Coppola are.

  21. Uhh…I love Jay Z and this kills me. Also, the use of the word collegiate killed me.

    I’m going to go home and spin my recently acquired The Blueprint and forget about this whole mess.

  22. I couldn’t finish G-Presh’s paragraph. It gives me anxiety the way some people get anxiety from David Brent.

  23. Who edited this?

    Lowercase “collegiate” is a reference to Collegiate Boys School in Manhattan, I’m sure.

    Does anyone else get the impression that this “interview” was conducted via email? Someone may appreciate “rythym” but sure doesn’t know how to spell it.

    Your anagrams are showing, Gwynnie.

  24. I think people missed the subtle burn on Jay-Z. “Someone I’ve eaten with…” only to later say she didn’t remember what she ate yesterday. She’s calling your dinner parties boring, Jay-Z! Get her!

  25. A+ for finding the picture that perfectly sums up absolutely everything unbearable about Smugnyth Pooptrow (her kindergarten nickname (definitely doing that right)) and also- ‘lifts your consciousness’?! I don’t even know what that means. Seriously. I feel like that’s something that ‘artists’ say, but DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST. But I probably just don’t get it. Maybe if I only eat pureed lemons with just a hint of cilantro (also, I’m from New Zealand, I literally don’t know what that is. Coriander?) for 6 years, I might find myself ‘lifted’ (gifted, higher than the ceiling. Ooh-ee what a beautiful feeling. Suga Suga- Baby Bash (I’m hip too))

  26. G. Paltrow talking about her love of hip-hop. Is there a gun big enough to blow ALL OF OUR brains out?

  27. You not a mutahfuckin thug until you shot or killed a cop, gwyneth. remember that! you too jay-z, bitch ass nikka.

  28. BULLSHIT she can’t remember what she had for dinner last night. She had Jamie Olvier and Mario Batali over and they all feasted on appetizers of gluten-free self-importance followed with an extra helping of douchebaggery on the side.

  29. BTW we rented Country Strong last night–don’t ask. But what I can’t BELIEVE is that in his (perfect and amazing) review Gabe did not mention the *spoiler alert* pre-suicide scene where G-Paltz imparts her celebri-wisdom to Leighton Meester..and says, and I QUOTE: “When you’re on tour, always travel with your costumes, and if you need something mended, send it to Arturo in Beverly Hills, he’s the best.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  30. “I might be a woman beater but I’m not a pussy eater” – Eazy E

    Gwenyth has one of those 2 things coming to her.

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