gwyneth_cookbook

Eater has bravely taken an in-depth look at Gwyneth Paltrow’s cookbook, which they describe thusly:

The cookbook is many things: it is aspirational and sweet, it is seasonally-minded, it is unintentionally very funny, and it offers dinner party ideas and patronizing “working-parent dinners.” The recipes are not that different from the many other tomes out there. Well, except that it offers vegan and child-friendly alternatives and has a foreword from buddy Mario Batali and name drops Jamie Oliver, Leonardo DiCaprio, and her “favorite vegetarian friend,” Stella McCartney.

Hahaha. Sure. Name-dropping Leonardo DiCaprio. Right. I mean, come on, it’s a cookbook. What is she going to do, NOT name-drop Leonardo DiCaprio? Anyway, I have not seen the book because Gwyneth’s “people” didn’t send me an advance copy for some reason. Weird. But Eater was also helpful enough to include some of their favorite quotes. You can read the full list at their site, but here are some of my favorites:

“One year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.”

“When I was twenty-one, a friend gave me a book called Diet for a New America by John Robbins, which exposed the brutal practices of American factory farms. That, coupled with a lecture from Leonardo DiCaprio (when he was nineteen and I was twenty-one) about how such animals are kept and processed, made me lose my desire for factory farm pork and beef right there.”

“One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.”

“I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one.”

“I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.”

“When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.”

Guys, we have a lot of fun at Gwyneth Paltrow’s expense, but it’s important to always remember that she actually really is a fucking monster like for real no joke.

Comments (70)
  1. Gwyneth, when I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat too. But I’ll bet we’re using the verb, “pass” in totally different ways.

  2. I’m guessing you’ve already figured out who I dedicated my recipe for “A Hot Bowl of Dicks” to.

  3. Oh man. This is worse than the time that Nicholas Sparks gave me an advance copy of A Walk to Remember and Jonathan Franzen, Chuck Klosterman, and me (51, 46, and 25, respectively) were all like, “oh, please.”

  4. “my father’s daughter” was the only way Gwyneth Paltrow could convince her publishers to let her call the book “Me”

  5. Jamie Oliver tried to give me a cooking lesson for my brithday, but I told him to donate it to a little girl in Bali instead.

  6. I’m guessing that her cookbook is titled “My Father’s Daughter” due to the fact that she was raised by a bowl of farfalle pasta (the most condescending of the pastas).

  7. I think our very own Lawblog should write a review of Gwyneth’s cookbook for “Foodin’ with Lawblog.”

  8. REDUX!

    “One year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget — A Nintendo Entertainment System.”

    “When I was twenty-one, a friend gave me a book called 1984 and I’ve been paranoid and neurotic ever since.”

    “One cold wintry day in Connecticut, I was dreaming about Hanover Pretzels—one of my favorites.”

    “I had my first Grey’s Papaya Hot Dog in New York when I was 8, and I’m still feeling the effects of it to this day.”

    “I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.”

    “When I pass a car playing Genuwine’s “Pony”, my heart skips a beat.”

    So I guess it’s time to write a cookbook?

  9. I love how she clarifies that Leonardo DiCaprio was 19 when he told her about the awfulness of factory farms…because as everyone knows, that was the only year he could really be trusted.

  10. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  11. I saw her labia once

  12. “‘My Father’s Daughter’? Bitch, leave me the fuck out of this.” –The Ghost of Bruce Paltrow

  13. Are the measurements she provides in the recipes “one goop of salt, two goops of pepper”?

  14. “’One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites,’ You have to be fucking kidding me.”

    • YOU WERE COOKING!!?!?!?… Where do you get the gall to attempt something so monumentally idiotic? I shall have you drawn and quartered! I can do that! I believe the law is on my side!

  15. “I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.”

    You’re right, EAT, PRAY, LOVE was a long fucking movie.

  16. Her recipe for organic saffron truffles with shaved gold leaf is AMAZING. And she brings up a very good point about knowing where your gold comes from — something she learned from Sting’s wife. If possible, see if you can get Spanish or Portuguese gold coins from the 17th century as their shavings pair very well with homemade Sangria done in the peasant fashion (an included recipe she collected while traveling through the Continent with Moby and Christy Turlington on a moped).

    • Seriously, you guys, the gold you get at your favorite grocery store (even Dean & Deluca) can be made from melted wedding rings and is usually acquired via Cash for Gold. And it’s really hard to get the taste of the Poors out of your mouth. Certain champagnes help, but you have to drink A LOT. So it’s so much easier to just go with the Spanish coins gold — plus I cannot tell you ENOUGH about how great that sangria is.

  17. Oh no, you guys, what if the radiation from Japan affects the zucchini gardens?

  18. I feel like all she really wants is for someone to tell her, “Gwyenth, you’re a good person.” And no one’s ever said it to her. Because she isn’t.

  19. Nineteen-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio (when Gwyneth was twenty-one and I was but nine) sounds like a real asshat.

  20. Paula Deen contributed a quote about how much she likes the seafood section, because it’s all shrimp recipes:

  21. I bet you she’s already launched a blog where she cooks one of her recipes every day in preparation for her dream film project “Gwyneth and Gwyneth.”

  22. Don’t ask; I’m a book and cannot respond to human speech.

  23. Very unfortunately (for the collective Monster imagination), I believe “a lecture from Leonardo DiCaprio (when he was nineteen and I was twenty-one) about how such animals are kept and processed,” may be a euphemism for a sexual encounter. That phrase, coupled with her loss of “desire for factory farm pork and beef right there” ……it really does make a lot of sense.

  24. Gabe, in the name of all that is pure and good in this world, please go all “Julie and Julia” with this and make a recipe a day/blog the results. I am willing to finance this project myself (if you’ll accept cat hair and packets of Stevia in lieu of money)

  25. Of course, if you remove the dustjacket…

  26. This morning, I woke with an extra-hearty sense of dread and foreboding. Normally, I would not pay attention (because the ennui is my dearest friend, inspiring my many poems about clowns dying), but I got to sleep in an hour longer than usual and go to a movie instead of going to work. I had no reason to feel chased by the ghosts of so many tragedies, but I was cranky-like all the same.

    Then I heard about Gwyneth’s cookbook and it all made sense.
    Also, my sadness morphed into more of a rage, but I had already typed all those words on the subject of sadness and was (am) lazy.

    Now if you will excuse me, I am going to fake my genealogy in the hopes of discovering celebrity parentage and getting this comment published as a book entitled “Emotions.”

  27. A couple of my favorite GOOPy recipes:

    Chocolate Shakes-peare in Love
    Iron Ham
    Chicken Royale Tenenbaums
    A Perfect Mousse-der

  28. Oh Lord. I don’t know anything about photo wizardry, but this picture seems just RIPE with possibilities…..”How easy is THIS??”

  29. Well since I can’t get “veganaise”, whatever the hell that is, I’m just going to have to cook with what I imagine “veganaise” taste like. Ain’t that right Winnie?

  30. It’s good that she provides vegans and children with options, but she never gets any recognition for her real work: only including recipes for those poor souls who are suffer from an allergy to self-awareness.

  31. I can’t believe how many commenters are making me laugh! This is a clever group. Extrapolation: Smart people don’t like Gwyneth.

  32. I can’t believe how uncaring, you guys. Read between: “This screams Chris finally is all Eyes Wide Open and the pre-nup not in my favor. Knew I shouldn’t have used your lawyer, mom; no wonder you’re C-list. Chutney, Apple, whatever, back our bags!”

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