It was reported yesterday that Will and Jaden Smith have both signed on for the next M. Night Shyamalan project. Oh boy. Jaden Smith AND M. Night Shyamalan working on the same movie? This is our generation’s Heat! From Hitfix:

Will Smith and son Jaden Smith will co-star in an untitled sci-fi adventure movie to be directed by M. Night Shyamalan (“The Sixth Sense,” “Unbreakable”) for Sony Pictures.

The script was co-written by Shyamalan and Gary Whitta (“The Book of Eli”). It takes place 1,000 years in the future, where a boy (Jaden Smith) and his father (Will Smith) travel across a desolate, post-apocalyptic Earth looking for hope after their ship crash-landed there.

Shyamalan added, “The chance to make a scary, science-fiction film starring Jaden and Will is my dream project.”

Haha. Ugh. Aren’t your consistently terrible movies and fake name that you have admitted you just made up bad enough, M. Night Shyamalan, without also being A LIAR? Making a scary science-fiction movie with Jadan Smith is not your dream project. You are a grown man! He is 7-years-old. You did not even know he existed until two years ago. Stupid old liar. ANYWAY, since M. Night Shyamalan wrote this movie you just know it’s going to have a lame and obvious twist in it. So. WHAT’S IN THE HATCH? Here are some possible SPOILERS:

  • Will Smith wakes up and it turns out the whole thing had just been a dream!
  • Jaden Smith wakes up and it turns out the whole thing had just been a dream!
  • Cormac McCarthy wakes up and it turns out the whole thing had just been a lawsuit!
  • Soylent Green is made out of planet of the apes! IT’S MADE OUT OF PLANET OF THE APES!

Can I ask a serious question, though, that is a real question for real: why is M. Night Shyamalan allowed to keep making movies? He is very bad at it! Even White Castle fires its employees when they have proven themselves incompetent. EVEN WHITE CASTLE! (Thanks for the tip, Sean, Drasko, and Octavis.)

Comments (92)
  1. I once went to a White Castle and asked for ketchup. After some commotion back in the kitchen, a woman returned and handed me a paper plate with an enormous dollop of ketchup on it. What I’m saying is that Gabe is seriously overestimating White Castle’s willingness to cut the cord.

  2. Anyone else think Night walks into every meeting looking like Dave Chappelle as Prince?

  3. The Happening: budget $69 million, revenue $163 million
    The Last Airbender: budget $150 million, revenue $319 million
    Devil: budget $10 million, revenue $57 million

    Answer: people are stoopid.

    • Actual quotes from M. Night on IMDB:

      “All of my movies have made money, and that’s important for me – it’s my job to make money for the studio…”

      “If you’re not betting on me, then nobody should get money. I’ve made profit a mathematical certainty. I’m the safest bet you got.”

      “Except for Pixar, I have made the four most successful original movies in a row of all time.”

      “My movies don’t get acclaim the day they come. I have to wait longer.”

      This guy is a quote/barf MACHINE.

  4. The twist is, we find out that Will Smith got in one little fight and his mom got scared, and sent him to a deserted planet. As his ship crash-landed, he yelled to the pilot droid, “yo homebot, smell ya later!” Also, Jaden Smith was dead the whole time.

  5. When I was in second grade, I wrote what I considered to be an epic story, but I couldn’t figure out how to end it (either that, or there was a bake sale I urgently needed to attend) so I wrote “Then they woke up and it turned out it was all a dream.” That did not fly with my teacher, who told me to go back and write an actual ending. How has M. Night Shyamalan made a career out of something I couldn’t get away with in grade school?

    Now if you will excuse me, there is a bake sale I urgently need to attend.

  6. True Story: There’s a restaurant here in Grand Rapids called Black Castle. They will also do your taxes.

  7. Will Smith becomes a rich lawyer in Bel-Air and Jaden plays his nephew, a smooth-talking boy from the hoods of, say, West Philadelphia. Jaden gets in a fight and his mom sends him to live with his uncle, where they have wacky antics and also fight like a ton of aliens. The twist is that Jaden Smith was Alfonso Ribeiro the whole time and he was actually the cool one!

  8. Guys, we already know the twist is that Will Smiths hair is actually a Whip! And thus he saves the day by waving it back, and then forth. The End

  9. Jaden Smith and Will Smith bite into sandwiches and are like ‘ow’ so they open the sandwiches up and in each sandwich there is a staple.

  10. Hopefully Jaden Smith goes to sleep and never wakes up.

  11. Say what you will about M. Night Shyamalan, but at least he hasn’t adopted some obnoxious faux-Hitchcock pretension like making cameos in all of his movies.

  12. The twist is Jaden and Will die in the first 2 minutes and M. Night plays the rest of the parts, all of which are Gods of Writing and Filmmaking that love to watch Lady in the Water over and over again.

  13. Phillip Seymour Hoffman, should totally play the desolate, post-apocalyptic Earth.

  14. Ugh, fake names are the worst, Mark Twain, Lewis Carrol, George Elliot, George Orwell, Flan O’Brien.

  15. The twist is that I won’t be seeing it.

    Oh wait never mind that’s not a twist at all!

    I’m still not seeing it.

  16. My guess: It turns out that they were actually contestants in a reality television show. The movie will end with Jayden receiving a new Ford Explorer and an all expenses paid trip to Tahiti. Will, of course, was DEAD THE ENTIRE TIME. AND IT TAKES PLACE IN THE PRESENT. AND…SOMETHING SOMETHING LADY IN THE WATER ALIENS ELEVATOR.

    Done and done!

    • I tend to think that instead of taking place in the present, it takes place 1000 years in the past and they use a Mac to hack the present and it turns out that Will wasn’t the hero, he was the villain of the story…

      and we are the monsters!

  17. EXT. DESTROYED EARTH
    Will and Jaden have travelled for months, trying to find one solace of hope in the bleakness of the ruined planet. Finally they stumble across a small shack with a light eminating from inside. They enter and they find a large group of survivors sat listening to a man, who tells them wonderful stories. They laugh, they smile, they cry. Will must know who is this hero, this man who provides hope for the people? He pushes his way through the crowd and sees The Storyteller. What is your name Will cries. My name is M Night Shyamalan the Storyteller smiles. Will smiles. Everyone smiles.

    Then Jaden is killed by a plant.

    • I was hoping they would stumble on a group of survivors enjoying the collected works of M. Night Shamalyalayan, but this is still great.

      IT SHOULD GET ALL THE UPVOTES.

  18. here’s the twist, jaden is playing the father and will is playing the son and will has gotten older since jaden had been in cryosleep for the long trip back to earth from whatever planet they had colonized. the ol father son switcheroo.

  19. “Cormac McCarthy wakes up and it turns out the whole thing had just been a lawsuit!” is the funniest thing I’ve heard or read all week. And granted it’s only Tuesday, but keep in mind that both Celebrity Apprentice and the Country Music Awards have already aired, so…

  20. The obvious twist is so obvious that it’s depressing. Clearly they’re going to eventually discover that the desolate planet they are on is, in fact, Earth. They went through some kind of time warp in their spaceship and/or they’re the normal people and HUMANS are the aliens, etc.

    What is the most depressing fact of all? Even though this twist is completely obvious based on the premise (I think Ray Bradbury wrote about 12,000 stories that ended that way for children), M. Night (haha) will do it anyway, because whatever, money.

  21. Will Smith’s psychic dog will convince him to kill and eat Jaden.

  22. The twist is that Brian DePalma directed the movie.

  23. The Movie will be good HAHAHAHA
    No
    The twist will be Jaden is Wills father, classic Star Warsian flip

  24. I’m going to guess that Jaden Smith is a robot. That’s also my guess for real-life Jaden Smith.

  25. Let’s go with: Jaden Smith turns out to be Willow Smith in a Jaden Smith suit and Will Smith turns out to be…Angelina Jolie in a Will Smith suit (b/c she played Mrs. Smith). The Will and Jaden suits are actually their spacesuits. They are astronauts.

  26. I am offically not on Team Shyamalan anymore.

    P.S. – We find out at the end that they were both dead the whole time.

  27. John Travolta was FLYING THE SPACESHIP THE WHOLE TIME.

  28. It turns out the call was coming from INSIDE JAYDEN’S BLUETOOTH.

  29. at the end of the film, Will Smith realizes that parents actually DO understand

  30. The twist is that it’s 2235 A.D. and the remaining members of the human race on post-apocalyptic Earth have completely forgotten that it’s still the Willenium!!

  31. The twist is that the magical land they crash on is just a magical land full of mystery and that is all, no explanations needed. Then, they meet up in a church and find out that they are dead, but that they died at different times obviously and so did everyone around them and everything that happened on the magical land they crashed on was just completely unimportant. Then they walk out of the church into the light. And also Ben is a good guy.

  32. Everybody else was ALIVE the whole time. FAKEPOCALYPSE!

  33. It turns out, it wasn’t all a dream. It was a nightmare. On my street.

  34. If his name is made up, can I make fun of him by calling him ‘Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong’ and not feel like I’m being culturally insensitive?

    Oh wait, that’s not the part he made up.

  35. I miss the Fresh Prince.

  36. “…to be directed by M. Night Shyamalan (“The Sixth Sense,” “Unbreakable”) for Sony Pictures.”

    I like how the PR people who promote his upcoming projects all suffer from a studio-sanctioned case of short-term memory loss about his ACTUAL previous projects. Nice try, guys…

  37. I know what the twist is. In the end, it’ll be revealed we were actually watching The Road.

  38. New rule: M. Night Shyamalan will only be referenced as M. Night Shyamalan (“Airbender”) or M. Night Shyamalan (“Some Okay Movies”, “Mostly Quite Bad Movies”). M. Night “Not at all like Alfred Hitchcock” Shyamalan and M. Night “Stephen King thinks he picks bad subjects for thrillers’ Shyamalan are also acceptable.

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