On last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars, Chris Brown performed a couple of songs and danced his heart or whatever dark thing beats in that evil chest out. Sure. The truth be told, if there is one thing that Chris Brown can do BESIDES beat his girlfriend in the face in a rented Lamborghini (lol) before running off into the night and leaving her for dead, it’s dance. But Dancing with the Stars is also the most wholesome show on television, basically, and showbiz’s attempt to show families that it can produce entertainment without relying on sex and violence. And Chris Brown’s performance opens with a child who shouts “Hey, there’s Chris Brown,” and then starts dancing. Oof. It is one thing for the industry to try and clean up Chris Brown’s tarnished (with blood and bits of hair) image because he makes people a lot of money and that is what people who are getting a lot of money do and it’s one of the reasons they have so much of it (money). But do we really need to get ACTUAL children involved in defending the honor of a known domestic abuser? What a disgustingly manipulative ploy that should not work but probably will! (Here’s another thing I was thinking about with this whole Chris Brown thing: his defenders have this tendency to argue that, like, it was terrible what happened and Chris Brown has paid his dues and he hasn’t beaten anyone in the fucking face since then and everyone makes mistakes and so that’s that, which I understand where that thinking is coming from, but the one thing that it doesn’t take into account is the fact that the time when he was forced to turn himself into the police because everyone in the world knew what he had done was DEFINITELY NOT the first time he’d been abusive by any means. That’s not how it works? That’s like arguing that someone who got pulled over for drunk driving only did it that one time by accident and never did it before and would never do it again. Right.)

Watch Chris Brown’s performance on Dancing with the Stars after the jump:

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the cast of the show were not particularly excited about his appearance:

DWTS cast members had mixed feelings about his appearing on the show.

Dancing pro Cheryl Burke, who has said she is a victim of domestic violence, isn’t a fan of the singer.

“As a victim of domestic violence, I don’t agree with him coming on the show, but it’s out of my control,” Burke told Extra.

Meanwhile, celebrity contestant Wendy Williams was on the other end of the spectrum. “I can’t wait, I can’t wait! What’s gonna happen?” she told Extra before the show started.

On Monday, DWTS host Tom Bergeron said he wasn’t exactly eager to talk to Brown.

“I did tell the producers it may be to their advantage to not have me interview him,” Bergeron said on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show, “because my natural tendency would be to say something. So, don’t put me in a position where you are asking me not to say something, because I really won’t do that.”

Haha, Wendy Williams. Your wig is on too tight, girl. Loosen that wig up! In the end: whatever. Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown, I’m sure. This is the way that the world works, and until people stop buying Chris Brown albums (debuted at #1 this week) and sending Robin Roberts death threats on Twitter there will be no real reason for the world to stop working this way. As far as the world can tell, this is how we WANT it to be. Fair enough, world. You right. Our bad.

Comments (55)
  1. I feel bad for/actually like Wendy Williams. I think her wig problems are the result of a rough childhood or something(?) and she’s just no good at handling them, like a lot of people. Plus, she makes for some really funny clips on The Soup. No BS.

  2. Who knew Tom Bergeron had such deep thoughts?

  3. Hey, there’s Ike Turner!

  4. Those backup dancers have quite a lot of foundation on. Covering up some blemishes?

  5. This is bullshit! Gabe keeps dogging on Chris Brown, a strong black man trying to overcome a difficult situation, but he is in love with Mel Gibson, and would never say bad things about Charlie Sheen! So typical! GTFO! Chris Brown is a beautiful sexy man, and a great and talented mucisian! I would be honored to have him punch my vagina in the face with his big penis!

  6. I think Chris really took a unique approach to handling this situation. Years from now researchers will still be studying the “introduction by Webster/ campy lip-sync” approach to dealing with bad publicity.

    • Last night I happened to flip over to TV as Netflix was loading Dr. Who and stumbled across this show. Not knowing anything about modern primetime programming I assumed this was American Idol (people were singing not dancing…my mistake, obvs). My thoughts at the time were, “This guy is definitely not going to the next round. Extremely poor lip synching, the backup dancers have better stage presence, and he choose to wear some weird kind of fetish chain.” Finding out that this is someone who has acheived an obcene amount of wealth while being a total garbage-human really grinds my gears.

  7. I guess Sisqo has custody of the hair this week.

  8. This is all just a cruel joke and I feel bad for fans of this stupid person.

  9. Who has custody of the mimes?

  10. Shameful fact: My household watching Dancing With The Stars. So when Tom Bergeron said “Chris Brown will be here with a shocking and unexpected performance!” we started trying to guess what it was:

    1) Punching Tom Bergeron in the face
    2) Singing “The Thong Song” (this is before they showed him with his remedied post-Sisqo hair)
    3) Punching Cheryl Burke in the face

    Turns out it was just LED lights, or something.

  11. I think the enthusiastic kid with the mohawk was also used in a lame stunt at the NBA slam dunk contest. If this is the case, don’t worry about the child exploitation factor. He’s almost certainly some kind of A.I. robot.

  12. i just pray nato decides ton intervene and save dancing with the stars from their minutes of oppression and horror.

  13. Honestly, He is not talented.
    Beyond that, the primary reason America Doesn’t feel bad for him is because he has yet to Apologize. No Manning-up, no mea culpa, no I lost my mind temporarily or, “I got pissed off and beat her in the face because she told me she gave me Jay-Z’s copy of the herpes.” Nothing. So we all wonder, what does he think happened? And we realize he’s an idiot for beating (anyone, really) a woman (a Really pretty pop star woman) in the face, and a double idiot for not saying sorry.

    Can we just leave this issue alone? Why give him press? Why give the show clicks on their youtube? Why try to put a rational face on OBVIOUSLY Irrational Bullshit?
    This is Meant to be a ploy. I will spare you my illuminati rant.

    • I’m glad Gabe keeps brining it up. Most people’s values seem to shift second to second as they go with thier ever uniformed “gut instinct”, which happens to be more easily manipulated than Play-Doe. It’s refreshing to get a well informed perspective out there that remembers a little thing called “Accountability”. Seriously people’s (as in the masses) Values, what is up? These are good things to examine and carefully construct, they will help you be consistent and a good person, I promise.

    • I agree. Since I don’t watch/listen to this show/GMA/anything Chris Brown has ever done that doesn’t appear in an episode of The Office, there’s literally nothing I can do to express my displeasure besides share Gabe’s awesome rants on Facebook and hope someone there chooses *not* to buy this guy’s CD.

      It’s gross what fame makes palatable to some people. Check out that link to anti-GMA lady tweets for some barfsome examples of how gross.

    • He is talented. He did something really bad but you can’t honestly say he doesn’t have talent. And I know this will probably get downvoted but maybe he gave a very sincere apology to Rihanna and he feels like that is really the only person he needs to apologize to. Because isn’t it kind of? Everyone is so pissed that he never apologized- but was he supposed to do it to everyone in the whole world?

  14. Wasn’t that kid on the NBA Slam Dunk Contest this year doing the same shtick for Blake Griffin? He must have the same manager as Betty White and the Black Eyed Peas.

  15. A TV show could help him with his comeback, but not THIS TV show. I’m thinking a Charles In Charge-y sitcom, where a recently widowed (under mysterious circumstances) Mayumi Keene hires him to help care for her precocious/terrible children, by “whatever means necessary.” Hilarity ensues.

  16. 1) Mimes are so under used (for realz). Mimes, a very impressive art.
    2) Gabe is the best person.

  17. I have nothing to add to the discussion other than to remind everyone that Wendy Wiliams eats twice-cooked Slim Jims that she burns with a disposable lighter on TV.

  18. I know when attempting to dance MY way out of publicity hell, I ALWAYS think of using mimes as an anti-nightmare technique. Because mimes, they are never scary, OR annoying, OR weird!

  19. Tom Bergeron is kind of the best? Kudos to him and that dance pro lady for sticking to their guns in a classy way.

  20. As someone that has experienced domestic violence I can tell you unequivocally that before the physical violence happens, there is a huge build up of emotional and mental abuse.

    If Chris Brown hit Rhianna only once, I guarantee that violence was bubbling for a long time before that happened.

  21. This makes me hate everything even MORE.

  22. I love that Tom Bergeron’s self-image is of a hardboiled, truth-seeking TV man. Dude hosts America’s Funniest Home Videos and Dancing with the Stars.

  23. From now on when moms drown their kids by rolling a car into a lake while they’re strapped in, maybe they could be a guest on Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray or something.

  24. Don’t blame DWTS, blame the kids! Historically, kids always rush to defend celebrities which have made bad life decisions. Look at MJ’s Ghost video and… wait. I’m going to watch that video again. BRB.

  25. For making his album #1, Chris Brown has agreed to personally punch every one of his fans in the face.

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