“You have my sword.”
“And my sword.”
“And my sword!”

Oh brother. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good sword fight (no homo) as much as the next guy (no homo), but does this really need to be in 3D? And does Orlando Bloom’s face really need to look like that? (No homo?) Also, I’ve actually read The Three Musketeers and I don’t remember them ever having to fight Shredder OR flying dragon boats? Whatever. Kidz theze dayz. On a more positive note: the original The Three Musketeers, of course, was written by Alexandre Dumas, who also wrote The Count of Monte Cristo, which is one of the BEST BOOKS OF ALL TIME! I’m not joking. It’s so great. It’s a million pages long and a thousand years old and yet it is so riveting and exciting from beginning to end. It is a real page-turner! (Although, they didn’t call things page-turners back then, they called them the bubonic plague.) If you are looking for a very fun book to read on the beach this summer, might I recommend that one? I just did! This guy knows what I’m talking about.

Comments (32)
  1. With the success of Alice In Wonderland, I’m surprised they aren’t making MORE movies that have been remade to death.

    (see: 2 Romeo 2 Juliet)

  2. The ladies in this movie look like they are kicking ass and taking names.

  3. Coincidentally, I banged this chick named Paige Turner, and then ate a Monte Cristo #LitetoModerateHomo

  4. Why make a Three Musketeers movie? I nougat it…

  5. Wasn’t Charlie Sheen in this?

  6. I wish I could see everything in 3d.
    ….. no this was already covered in the Thursday TV Open Thread.

  7. I didn’t see John Travolta in the credits. Who else would be qualified to fly those boats?!

  8. “Brought to you like never before”

    Inthat it’s not actually the story.

  9. Yes, but when are they going to remake The Three Amigos in 3D?

  10. “Oh great, another dumbass movie.”

  11. “This book needs move flying ships, automatic guns, crazy spring loaded swords and cannons that shoot fire via hand crank. Oh, well. Too bad they are not invented yet. Maybe someone can improve on this 200 years after I die.” — Alexandre Dumas

  12. Why does the world hate intellectualist, classicist nerds? Can’t it go back to shoving us in our lockers or ignoring us instead of bastardizing everything into something that is soulless, joyless, and as bland as possible?

  13. The book reports I’ll be getting from my students in a couple of years are going to be really interesting.

  14. this looks like The Three Matrices of the Carribean

  15. Needs more muskets.

  16. Hey Mr. Darcy, you’re suppose to be French.

  17. and…… the first entry from Script Frenzy is in! This is going to be a great month.

  18. Orlando Bloom’s entire career has been building to this point — where he can grow a terrible goatee in an unwatchable remake of a period piece. Achievement unlocked.

  19. Is there an improbable acrobatics clause in all Milla’s contracts?

  20. Pirate, Musketeer, Elf. Orlando Bloom is a one man Village People if the Village People were into even more fantastic fantasy play.

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