[This recap is written by Gabe Liedman]

Recaps are just spoilers in paragraph form, yes/no?
Fffffffffffffffffuck yeah, monsterfuckers! How do you all even feeeeeeeeel today, now that the world is a DIFFERENT place and we all lived through something TRULY monst’rumental (sorry, Japan)? Did you wake up and NOT EVEN RECOGNIZE your own bedroom? Did the air taste different, your shower seem backward? Did you accidentally pour salt in your coffee instead of Splenda, which makes no sense because it’s not like you keep your salt in little yellow paper packets, but whatever, so you just fucking CRACK UP about it by yourself? “Ho, buddy…”–Canadians. Kurt finally got her emotion-billboard mug KISSED, and NOT by a rapist closet-case, and NOT by a vocalization she-friend, and not by his BROTHERBOYFRIEND/jerk-off captive… It was Blaine. BLAINE! And you know what? It’s always been Blaine. And I don’t give A FUCKING SHIT how long it took, because it didn’t even TAKE THAT LONG, we’re only 16 episodes into the second season, and it would’ve just been too fairy-tale and unrealistic and trad and shitty if Blaine had looked at Kurt on day one and said “I need her the way she needs me, she’s the one, look at her, I NEED THAT” the way Kurt thought about her. That’s not usually how it works. Maybe sometimes–I bet that’s how it happened with Matt Damon and his wife Luciana, but for the rest of us, it’s more complicated. You have a crush, sometimes on a friend, and you speak up about it at seemingly HUGE RISK, and they don’t reciprocate, but they’re cool about it, but that makes you feel even shittier than ever, like you’re ugly AND your friend pities you now? And then your school-club-mandated pet suffocates and has a stroke in a tiny Burberry-print California Closet you’ve constructed for it, so you dress in Baroque funeral garb for jesters and scream “Backbird” by The Beatles in front of everyone, and your crush just fucking FALLS IN LOVE with everything about you. And you own him. And that’s love. And it only costs $999,999,999,420.69 in royalties! Glee!!

Other shit happened too. The episode opens on Warblers gleehearsal–a rare OPENING number (why so rare, Glee?) !!!– “Misery” by Maroon 5:


Blaine’s all Adam Levine about his front-man status in The Warblers, meaning he’s so fucking cute and I just want him to G-chat me in 15 years once he’s gained 25lbs and let his body hair grow back and has a shit-ton of money squirreled away but isn’t so-much in the public eye, but like still knows Rihanna, and say “hey, Gabe, I’ve been thinking about u!” Kurt’s less impressed though, he feels like all the other Harry Potters are just Blaine’s Pips, his backup baby-studs, and they’re so cold because the searing-hot spotlight never reaches their visible ribs.

Meanwhile, Rachel’s ready to debut her second original song for Gleegionalz, and she’s learned a lot since she screamed “My Headband” a million hours ago. She gives Finn a box of tissues, J.I.C., and then unleashes “Only Child,” another self-centered sob-queef that I AM SHOCKED TO REPORT has not been clipped yet and put online. WTF, cult members?! Well, if you missed it (NO ONE MISSED IT, RIGHT?), it’s terrible, and it’s about having no siblings but two dads, and the highlight, lyrically, was something about being “the only Berry on my family tree.” Lol, swiiiish. Rachel…

Cut to Quinn’s internal monologue, which feels very out of place, and has a lot of writing-effort to make it seem less so, and her new hair style with all the temple-level-layers is fantastic. She’s all concerned about being Prom Queen later in the year (or maybe soon?), and in order to do it, she needs Finn by her side. Which she has, but like, what if he falls for Rachel again? Well, they say you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer, so she’s gonna be besties with Rachel, and attached at the crotch with Finn. Set-up = set up.

Across town at Delicious BoyMeat Academy, Kurt’s practicing her Soprano trills for an upcoming appearance as Shirley Temple in her brain-theater, when she realizes that the Warblers’ pet bird, Pavarotti, has died. Kurt was supposed to keep Pavarotti alive as some sort of hazing ritual. OH NO! So in TRULY INSPIRED funereal dress, Kurt announces to his a capella sistaz that the bird is dead, and then he screams “Blackbird” by The Beatles, solo at first, but then with The Warblers on backup. It’s fucking great, actually:


I found that number to be fantastic, and HONESTY ALERT, I’m not a die-hard Beatles queer or anything. And this song is suuuuuch a typical High School choice, except for that one early episode of E.R. that my boyfriend always talks about where Julianna Margulies delivers a woman’s baby and the two of them sing “Blackbird”? (ALSO NOT YOUTUBE? WTF) Oh, but anyway, this was great, and Blaine agrees with me SO HARD because his fucking <3 melts into a million Capri Suns which burst out of his tiny, toned chest and flood the Academy halls with sticky, orange-pink LOVE JUICE for Kurt. REVELATION.

Sue (remember her?) has gotten My Chemical Romance to issue a Cease & Desist Order against Nude Erections to prevent them from screaming any of their songs at Gleegionalz. Apparently she fucked the drummer at MTV Spring Break or some shit. Rachel pushes one more time to sing original songs at Gleegionalz, and this time the rest of Nude Erections agree with her, because Quinn and HER STUNNING NEW LOOK are on her side. Other gleetards want to write songs too, now, like Santana and Puck. Fierce.

Speaking of Santana, she is still so fucking pissed at Brittany the Perfect about not choosing to be her girlfriend. But she’s back with Naked Sam, despite so much shit, and he’s going to be her inspiration for writing a new song for Gleegionalz.

Back at Delicious BoyMeat Academy, Blaine’s <3 for Kurt is spilling over into his professional life, and he’s decided he wants Kurt to sing a duet with him at Gleegionalz. The Warblers council agrees! That was easy!

Then it’s time for Nude Erections’ songwriting seminar, where Schue gives everyone a rhyming dictionary! But Santana’s like “FUCK YOU, DICK,” because she already has a song written about Naked Sam. She gets up and purrs “Trouty Mouth,” with Tina on piano. It’s sexual, soulful, hilarious, and I love Santana you guys. This video was very hard to find, and no doubt it’ll be gone before long, but some genius did put it online, thank the lawd:

What does anyone else think about Santana? Am I retarded for liking her so much??? The line about sucking a baby’s head… Lol. I wanna see this girl get pummeled with Emmy’s one day. Or maybe Globes, they have a category for TV: Musical & Dramedy, no?

Then it’s time for Puck’s original song, which he also wrote surprisingly fast. It’s dedicated to Lauren, which means it’s very insulting but also horny, which is a form of kindness… “Big Ass … Heart” is, sadly, not yet online, but it does have a VERY comprehensive Glee Wiki page (I am in no way responsible for the existence of Glee Wiki, Amen). The song sounds like Bare Naked Billy Ray Cyruses. Choose your fav/least fav lyrics, write them down on a Thank You card from an expensive stationary store, and mail it to someone who truly disappoints and DISGUSTS you.

Then Quinn tells Finn she wants to go public with their gleelationship after Gleegionalz, and to campaign like a couple of Clintons for Prom King & Queen. Finn is uncomfortable with every single word of that sentence. And Rachel either hears it, or just sees them talking, I missed that one second because my wine glass was half empty, so I had to fill it up to the very brim, but she becomes very upset.

THEN FUCKING SHIT HAAAAPPENED. Blaine has made up his mind about what duet he and Kurt should scream at Gleegionalz: “Candles” by Hey Monday. Kurt’s delighted, because that song is not Top 40, which I’m not sure is facetious or not. I’d never heard of it before this morning, but that doesn’t mean shit. What’s truly important is that THEN BLAINE SAYS HE’S BEEN LOOKING FOR KURT FOREVER, AND THEN THEY KISS FRENCH-STYLE AND IT’S SO SWEEEEEEET. Ugh, f’real. It was a good scene. It (surely temporarily) exists on YouTube, so please, without further ado:

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 wwwwhhhhhhaaaatttteeeevvveeerr

Something happy happened to Kurt regarding his sexuality! The issue of infinite hardshipz! It Got Better right away! Not like it did for me! But I’m me now! Me me me!

Then it’s back to McKinley, where Mercedes is finally ready to scream her first fucking solo in I don’t even know how many seconds, but too many, like the most, like maybe this entire season? That can’t be true, unless, could it?! She screams an original “diva anthem” called “Hell to the No,” which has a predictable (=terrible) amount of racial and weight-related barbs:

So many terrible fucking lyrics, yet so many beautiful nooootes for her to scream! And seconds to watch her do it! Mercedes has gotten so fucking buried this season, it’s a national tragedy. They never evereverever did right by her, did they? Like a million episodes ago when she screamed Jazmine Sullivan? But even then, her character was pathetic, Amber Riley was just an unbelievable performer. And still is. And always will be. And that nighmarish song was fucking catchy as hell, and she kill’t it, THE END. Ugh the line about Wheaties and diabetes, you guys. Make sure that’s not on my tombstone, will you?

Schue’s not too impressed with everyone’s original songs, even though I think they seem rather impressive and high-production. He asks his slaves what they feel strongly about, and they all say something that hints at their hatred for Sue Sylvester and the way they are abused for being pieces of shit dorks. He writes “dirt, sticks” and other shit on the white board, then circles “Loser Like Me,” and demands that they write an anthem called that for Gleegionalz.

Rachel confronts Quinn about Finn, and Quinn tells her that, yes, she and Finn have been hooking up for weeks. Then Quinn flips the script and acts like she’s doing Rachel some big favor by taking Finn off her hands so they can just stay in Lima and be MIDDLE CLASS (yeah right, like the middle class will still exist when you’re out of college, read the fucking news) while Rachel goes on to be FABULOUS and FAMOUS and JEWISH RICH in some big city.

Sue admits that that whole complicated thing about My Chemical Romance was a lie, and Schue’s like “what? Okay… That’s been over for awhile. Like, we didn’t really need anything like that before even, but now, plot-wise, like, who cares?”

Then it’s time for Gleegionalz! The judges are Kathy Griffin as a Tea Party psycho, Loretta Devine as Whoopi Goldberg’s character from Sister Act I.R.L. (a MILLION LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLs for that, k?), and the sleazy news guy that Sue fucked a million episodes ago.

Sue’s group Aural Intensity goes first, and they scream “Jesus is a Friend of Mine,” which is (again probably temporarily) available on YouTube:

Yuck, who cares? Suuuuuper ska, though, lol. Funnier the next day!

Then it’s time for The Warblers, a.k.a. Kurt & Blaine in a falsetto duet-a-thon, called “Candles”:


LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. That song! That performance! Jesus fucking Christ!

Oh, then they transition riiiiight into “Raise Your Glass,” with Blaine as P!nk:

P!nk fucking wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiishes. Literally. She wishes she was Blaine. That’s why she wrote this song, with its lyrics, which include “what’s the dealio?” and “too school for cool.” “Why So Serious?” by P!nk. LOLOLOLOL. The choreography for this shit was ON POINT though, some perfection in motion.

Then it’s Nude Erections’ turn to scream at the audience, and scream at the audience they do. But first, they wear the ugliest fucking outfits in history. Hands down. Baby blue dresses with partially-jeweled necklines, a big black bow, black leggings, and high top black Doc Martens. LITERALLY. Their performance begins with Rachel’s solo original ballad-anthem, in the style of Celine Dion teaching Carrie Underwood about holding notes, “Get it Right”:

Good enough!!!!!!! Then the rest of the gleetards come out of the fucking shadows and perform their mass-written dork-anthem “Loser Like Me,” which ends on them all lined across the front of the stage, Rent-style, throwing Slurpee-cups full of glitter at the audience:

Ugh, this was not for me. Literally. I bet the kids it was for fucking LOVED it, though. Lots of talk about “haters.”

Aaaaaanyway, Nude Erections wins Gleegionalz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They get to go on to New York City for Nationals!!!! Or Sectionals? Or something! NEW YORK CITY EPISODE! Sue is fucking pissed that Aural Intensity didn’t win, so she literally punches out the lady who announced the results. Lol.

For no reason other than marketing, we learn that Gwyneth Paltrow is at a meditation retreat but is cumming back soon, and then Nude Erections names Rachel MVP of Gleegionalz! It’s sweet. She NODOY gives a long, teary-eyed acceptance speech, wherein she says that all she’s ever wanted was to feel special and Jewish chosen, and now she does.

Aaaaaaaaaaaw, what a sweet episode you guys! It was like marshmallow fluff sauteed in Frappuccino syrup (don’t do that). I bet this means we’re getting a couple weeks of reruns now? Who knows.

KURT AND BLAINE KISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Comments (57)
  1. anybody holding their breath for a very Nate Dogg Glee?

    • I almost downvoted you for making me imagine Matthew Morrison break dancing and singing “regulate” with the kid in the wheelchair spinning around him.


  2. You Can’t Say That On Television

  3. I know this is usually a space where we make jokes, but let’s get serious for a second: Brittany’s floppy hat and matching sweater combination was some kind of Laurel Canyon Campbell’s Tomato Soup/Tangerine Dream PERFECTION. Also, I am so glad my high school didn’t allow hats, because I would have made some serious mistakes.

  4. Also anyone notice how Brittany is like a little Blossom with all her cool hats

  5. This = Me

    You fucking GET IT Kurt Hummel! YOU GET IT FOR THOSE OF US WHO CANNOT… at the….. moment.

    foreveralone.jpg

  6. I stopped watching Glee a long time ago, but these recaps are like crack – put more words in my eyes on a regular basis, Gabe!

  7. I really liked this episode. It had a lot of fun moments. Way more performances than normal.

    Gabe, you are not alone re: Santana. She’s awesome and bitchy and awesome. The faces she made last week along with the song she sang this week. Whoever has been writing insults for Santana deserves a raise.

    I’m sad that this is probably it for the Warblers. I’m going to miss how bizarre those Council meetings were. “This is a kangaroo court!!”

  8. I went downstairs to help my friend hang a picture (yes, live in the same building just like Monica and Joey) and I missed ALL THE KISSING!

    UGH. I would have rather seen kissing and instead all I got to see was leggings with dresses. YUCK. They wore that same crap at the last Regionals. Is there some sorta rule that girls have to wear leggings with their dresses in this competition????

  9. These LOLs, I thank you for them. Also, Rachel said “New Die-rections” to avoid saying nude erections. What a bitch.

  10. [IMG]http://i1026.photobucket.com/albums/y325/mookerrae/gleeblaine.jpg[/IMG]
    What kiss? All I remember is this.

  11. when did i fall for Glee? i almost cried last night when rachel was singing? i have no idea why. i freaked out and stopped myself though. anyway. yeah. this show entertains me. apparently.

  12. Can someone please explain the mechanics of dancing in Docs?

  13. From this I learned that Gabe likes men that are hairy and heavyset. Check and check!

  14. It wasn’t Julianna Marguiles! It was Dr Sherry! And her Sister was the one having the baby! And she was also Luke’s Sister on Gilmore Girls and ok I’m done goodbye, I’ll just go die alone now.

  15. I’m way late to the Glee party but here are some gifs anyways:

  16. “And what do all of these songs have in common?” “Headbands.”

  17. Tho notes to blow your mind: 1.) The lady who gave birth to that blackbird baby in ER was the voice of Pepper Ann. And 2.) Quinten Tarrentino directed that episode of ER.

  18. KUUUUUUURT! This made up for the fact that I am getting so, so, so sick of auto-tune that I almost can’t even deal with the musical numbers anymore. I never thought I would end up watching this show for the bullshit that happens between songs. Like KISSING.

  19. Okay, I’ve clearly been hurt by television shows too many times before because when Blaine was making the love face at Kurt and even when he started talking to him I thought for sure that the twist was going to be that he realized that Kurt was super good at singing and that they’d have a chance at winning regionals and it wasn’t about love. And then it was about ooshymooshy love and I just got all teary and happy and Chris Colfer is the greatest actor ever because his nervousness and voice cracking and gasp gasping was so real and you can feel it all and I’m super glad no one’s going to read this comment because it’s a week after the episode because it’s really long but I just watched the episode all alone and my girlfriend’s out of town and eeeeeee. Glee.

    • Gleeee 4ever. I just watched this episode and run to read all your comments. So good! I’m even thankful they made us wait for that kiss for so long, because Glee sure likes to fast foward all the tension and make up relationships as it goes (Santana & Sam anybody?). And in the end, when Blain is all “We won in the end, we have eachother”? <<<333 Dear God, the sw(gl)eetest thing ever!!

  20. Why do you call Blaine and Kurt she’s? Just because they’re gay doesn’t mean that their gender changes.

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