Zack, listen. First of all, congrats, l’chaim, etc.

But, dude, you need to get this video removed from the Internet immediately! Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very cool that your parents are so open-minded and supportive of your eccentricities. But they shouldn’t be allowed to put this on YouTube. It’s borderline child abuse. Also, you are entering the worst, most difficult stretch of your life. So, to answer your question, no. No one wishes they could be Zachary at this point in time. It looks a little rough!

To be clear, I am not making fun of you, Zachary. Or your fedoras. Or your multi-colored yarmulke. Or your gardening. Or your pottery. Or your cooking. Or your gemology. Or your appreciation for Robert Palmer imagery. Or your refusal to swim in swimming pools with water that’s too cool. But the thing is, I totally could make fun of you about those things if I wanted. Because, as you know, according to Talmudic Law you are now a man in the eyes of God. Also, God made you in his image, which means both you and God need to TAKE IT EASY. Holy shit. Amen.

That said…this video was pretty dope, technically speaking. You weren’t kidding about loving Apple Keynotes, son! You are all up on that After Effects Middle Child Syndrome Auto Tune #Swag.

And this might be nitpicking, but can you please tell Benjamin P. that his rap makes no sense? This “Zachary factory” he speaks of, it shut down after making only one Zachary? That’s kind of a shitty factory! You can’t be the most unique person in history AND be made in a factory. I doubt you or Benjamin P. have ever been to a factory, but you guys understand the concept of a factory, right? That it mass-produces identical copies of something? All I’m saying is it’s flawed logic. If you’re so unique, then you should be an Artisan Zachary. You seem like an Artisan Zachary.

Anyway, congratulations again. And good luck getting through the next five years.

(Thanks to David R. for finding this.)

Comments (75)
  1. I don’t remember seeing this on the Zach Attack episode of Behind The Music.

  2. I really respect him for not following in his father’s footsteps and becoming a Lego maniac.

  3. Glad to see he finally kicked his Lego-induced mania.

  4. That high five in the beginning (which, really, was a middle 10 if we want to be technically accurate), was the saddest high five I’ve ever seen.

  5. He should’ve had Zach Anner make a youtube for him instead.

  6. I think we all know what happens to this kid:

  7. I keep trying to tell my students that their teens will be the hardest time of their lives, it gets better, etc., and then they go and do something like this and prove that THEY WERE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

    • “Lay low, kids! Keep your heads down! Just get through high school and everything will be okay!”
      “Instead of that, a multi-colored Youtube video.”

    • I tell my 13-yo Godson the same thing all the time, but then he’ll do something like wear shorts on top of sweatpants or sing a Train song to his crush and I think well, maybe the bullies are on to something here…

    • Thank god there were no Youtubes or Zunes when I was 13.

  8. Zach is the Rebecca Black of our generation.

  9. Zach should team up with Lexy and Stephany. The choreography would be mind-blowingly amazing.

    • Ah this comment really took me back to a couple weeks ago. I had already forgotten Lexy and Stephany.
      I feel like they wouldn’t talk to Zach.

      • Lexy and Stephany, never forget.
        Also, you’re probably right about the two of them snubbing Zach, but that’s probably because they’re too busy busting out a tune and applying anti-frizz serum to their hair.

  10. How much do you think his parent’s paid those girls to hang around? Or do you think those are his cousins?

    • No one can be that unprofessionally disaffected.

      • Totally his cousins. I thought exactly the same thing. The entire (female) supporting cast reeks of parental pressure.

        Also Benjamin P, You’re right. There has never been anyone in history like Zack. There has never been another wealthy nerd child with an interest in showtunes. Zack will definitely continue with his music career and will not become a gay investment banker living in Manhattan.

  11. I got as far as “I was born…”, got incredibly embarrassed and uncomfortable, turned off the computer by yanking the plug out of the wall, and sat in the bathtub under a shower that has since become so, so cold. #ITDOESNOTGETBETTER

  12. Was that Hitman or Hollywood?

  13. I don’t want anyone to die, but the only phrase running through my head while watching this was “Everyone should be dead.”

  14. The Rebecca Black forces continue their relentless onslaught on the human ear. Their war of artrition looks to continue with no forseeble end to the torture.

  15. “My mother and my father explained the world to me”
    Tragically, they ignored the internet.

  16. You guys, in the credits it said they had “Stunt Coordinator.”


  17. I’d like to take a moment to thank my parents for not giving me great techno toys in my teens, because if they had there would be nothing else on the internet but videos like this, but starring me. Seriously, nothing else on the internet.

  18. i think we can all agree that this guy is basically andy cohen.

  19. Man, Zachary Quinto was a weird child..

  20. Okay, so no one said it yet? Because this thing totally happened:

    Werewolf bar mitzvah? Werewolf bar mitzvah.

  21. Today I am a man (who loves men).

  22. “On second thought, let’s take the computer and camera and green screen away from Zachary.” – Zack’s Mom to Zack’s Dad.

    “And let’s also ship him off to military school.” – Zack’s Dad to Zack’s Mom

  23. Is this real life?

  24. Zack just because something rhymes doesn’t mean you have to use it in the song.

  25. So in the heaven dream sequence I spotted Oprah, Tweety Bird, Harry Potter from the fourth film, and the dude from Cake Boss, which I guess is his way of telling me Heaven’s not the place to be. Thanks, Zachary!

  26. I like that the director of this video chose a bunch of touchstone 80s videos to parody even though the subject of this video was not even a concept yet.

  27. There was not a sufficient amount of sass in this video.

  28. Oh come on, you guys — you know that in 10 years or so, this guy is going to be AWESOME to hang out with.

  29. As a Zach, this is just further proof that every weirdo Zachary spells the shortened version of his name with a “k.”

  30. Hahahaha. I will be very interested in like 5 years when he sneaks into a gay bar.

  31. Glee auditions are getting weirder and weirder.

  32. Oof. Poor little guy.

  33. Not really feeling Zack, but Benjamin P.’s verse might be the most bananas guest spot since AZ on Life’s A Bitch. Magnificent word play son.

  34. Great job, Zach! My only criticism is that it could have been longer. Don’t hold back next time.

  35. My opinion of youtube Bar Mitzvah videos has just be adjusted. Get it? You get it.

  36. How did he get Ferguson to be his hype man?

  37. Could we get a .gif of that stairmaster dance at 1:33 on an infinite loop?

  38. Longest intro to a Disney show ever.

  39. Very cool that Salon quoted me from this post to make it seem like I actually think this video is an example of child abuse.

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