Gwyneth Paltrow’s back you guuuuuuys! And so’s Glee, after giving up their airtime to some assholes named American Idol who I guess needed to borrow some attention last week because they’re brand new in town and in need of viewers. Speaking of in-need-of-viewers, Glee did a whole episode about sexiness, Sex Ed, sexual songs, sexy lesbianism, fluid sexuality, romance vs. sex, celibacy vs. healthiness, being scared of sex, and Gwyneth Paltrow! Kiiiiiiiiiind of loved it, sah-wee, no one ever said I had good taste or anything to say (this post will be over 2,000 words long, fer sher). Wonder if people will be upset again by the sexual nature of this episode, like they were when these 54 year old actresses posed for GQ in their underpants. I sure hope not. I thought the messages were right on, if a little hard on prudes (trust: there are a trillion gr8 reasons to be a prude in High School). Santana’s temporarily a lesbian, which is realistic as hell I think? Quinn’s pretending to be one thing, then being another. Emma is from Rugrats and not Earth. And Gwyneth Paltrow got some awesome lines, some good songs, and fuck it: great job, sister rich lady!!!!

The episode starts out in Celibacy Club, where Emma and her skullroommates are discussing the importance of never having orgasms ever with the club’s two members: reformed cumdump Quinn and has-had-a-surprisingly-healthy-sex-life-for-a-person-her-fake-age-despite-her-personality Rachel. Emma’s demons think that the girls should wear a beautiful new locket in the shape of a sewn up vagina around their throats to prove that they are forever closed for business, Amen. Oh, also: she is terrified of Hot Uncle Jesse Carl’s FUCKING BEAUTIFUL (c’mon) penis, and still hasn’t let him MAKE HER PERFECT with the most excellent slam-down available outside of Heaven, even though they’ve been married for several episodes already. YOU’RE FIRED. FROM LIFE. Her tacky, anti-sex slave collars quickly become popular at McKinley, once the perv-kids figure out how to take them apart and make nipple rings out of them. (True Fact: I hate nipple rings, guys.)

Then Gwyneth Paltrow is back, she’s subbing for the Sex Ed. teacher (AMAZING TIMING–SOMEONE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT HAVING A MISINFORMED OPINION ON HEALTHY SEXUALITY!), and she thinks celibacy is fucking retarded. In fact, she makes a delightful S.A.T. analogy about it, for clarity: CELIBACY: TEENS :: VEGETARIANISM: LIONS. <3. In other words, Emma is naive (something has never been put more delicately) for thinking that any teenager can LITERALLY survive without orgasms given to them by someone else (luuuuuucky), or given to them by themselves (hi, the internet!).

Santana is jonesing for a slice of Brittany the Perfect’s Angel Food Cake (sorry, just caught up on Drag Race, let’s talk later), but Brittany the Perfect isn’t in the mood to give it up. You see, she is 100% definitely pregnant with a human embryo, because, you guys, a stork made a nest on her roof three days ago! I bet you didn’t know that tons of storks even live in Ohio, but no problem, it turns out you’re right, they don’t, that’s insane, and here’s a Ranger Rick article from 1996 about how few storks live in America, and if they do, where they don’t live (places like Ohio).

For all the good reasons, Gwyneth Paltrow is busy teaching aerobics class to the McKinley faculty, but she still finds time to compliment Schue’s rock hard, hairless beef ass. Then she tells him that he needs to inform his damn kids about fuck-facts, because they don’t know shit about it. The best way to do that is to hide the information in something more delicious, the way Jessica Seinfeld sneaks cash-shaped-like-vegetables into her kids’ brownie bites. To demonstrate, Gwyneth Paltrow is going to cum to gleehearsal and teach the gleetards a lesson or three about STD’s (sister left the set of Two Lovers with a fucking zoo in her Jeggings).

Her lesson is simple: sex “is like hugging but wetter” (dayumn!), and celibate kids are naive and frigid (double dayumn!). Then she screams “Do You Wanna Touch Me” by Joan Jett in full leather-mom drag:


Meh, not the worst. Doesn’t exactly illustrate the point that sex is something that needs to be had and that all other opinions are for assholes, but whatever. Oh, and then she tells the kids that during their mandatory fucking, they should keep in mind that whenever you fuck someone, you’re also fucking everyone they’ve ever fucked, and “everyone’s got a random.” Man, I wonder who Gwyneth’s random is… Michael Gambon from Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow? Morgan Freeman from Se7en?

Somehow Sue becums aware of Nude Erections’ lesson on sexiness, and figures that being sexy is going to be their big strategy at Gleegionalz this year. She tracks down Blaine and Kurt at Starbucks (Sue pretends to be there because she “like[s] [her] enemas piping hot” (and with sooooo much simple syrup lololol)) and shares her intel with them. Kurt’s like “I’m not in cahoots with you,” but Blaine is like “OH NO! SEXINESS?! SHOULD WE NOW DO THAT TOO?!”

Schue’s eating lunch with his new bestie Bieste (<3 this development still) when Emma comes flitting into the teachers’ lounge with something to tell Schue: she walked past a trashcan once and had a stroke and died and has been a ghost this whole time and that’s why no one can fuck her, because their dick would get cold and bent because they’d just be fucking a ghost on top of a mattress she doesn’t like that Gwyneth Paltrow screamed about crotch-grabbing in gleehearsal that time. Schue’s like “fine, then cum scream about celibacy in gleehearsal” and the scene’s over.

Lauren’s decided that after her solo debut in Nude Erections a million days ago, she is now going to be a famous megastar pop singer. In order to do that she needs a homemade sextape (sister’s done her homework (this storyline is horrible)), and she wants Puck to be her Best Supporting Actress (Catherine Keener’s bizzy). H8′d this, then Lauren spoke like Santana for a second? WHO SHUFFLED THE XEROXES ON SHOOT DAY? Pranks…

Time for The Warblers to test out their sexiness on a single-file line of schoolgirls in an abandoned warehouse. Their set looked like indoor scaffolding from “Cold-Hearted Snake,” so I became EXTREMELY EXCITED for exactly one second, and then the cuties started screaming “Animal” by Neon Trees instead:


Blaine acts sexy like a boy, and Kurt acts sexy like a Madonna. Blaine’s like “WTF, sistagirwfrehn?!” Oh, and the end of the song is a foam party? And the schoolgirls wanna lick Blaine all over (TAKE A NUMBER), but he’s like “sah-wee waydeez, I’m INTO DICKS.”

Brittany the Perfect and Santana make out and scissor each other until static electricity burns down the house. Then, Brittany the Perfect wants to talk to Santana about their relationship (it’s called HOT, even to me (wouldn’t watch it, just saying I support that kind of shit))–what are they? Santana does NOT want to talk about it, she just wants to rub and bump about it, put on more lip gloss, and eat some pussy about it. Brittany the Perfect is confused:

BRITTANY THE PERFECT: …this relationship is really confusing for me.

SANTANA: Breakfast is confusing for you.

BRITTANY THE PERFECT: Well, sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s salty, like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then, what is it?

Gwyneth Paltrow cums across Lauren and Puck doing research for their sextape, and tells them that they definitely should not make one because that counts as child pornography. Then she says that one time she made a horrible sex tape with JD Salinger. Lol.

Then Gwyneth Paltrow has a sit-down-and-talk with Santana and Brittany the Perfect about their lesbian funtimes, and it turns out that Santana just really doesn’t wanna be labeled a lesbian. I get that. Being labeled gay was so uncool seeming to me that it kept me in the closet for a long time. Now it’s like the only thing anyone knows about me. It Gets Public-er. Gwyneth Paltrow tells her not to sweat it–it doesn’t matter who she’s attracted to, it only matters who she falls in love with? But … Anyway, Santana has to come up with a song that explains how she feels about her <3 4 Brittany the Perfect, and let Gwyneth scream it.

Blaine tries to give Kurt a sexy faces lesson, but it turns out that Kurt knows absolutely nothing about sex. In fact, he’s willfully ignorant and even hates porno (WHAT?).

Then it’s time for Gwyneth Paltrow and Schue to scream their number from all the promos: “Kiss” by Prince. At first, my entire body clenched when Schue started in with his falsetto–he’s just accurately singing those high notes, not secretly still cumming into his spandex from analizing the youngest member of his road harem like Prince–but, overall, I liked the number. A lot, actually. That fucking song rules, ask literally anyone.

Then Schue kisses Gwyneth Paltrow and begs her to date him, but she’s all “I’m damaged goods” (Anthony Hopkins wrecked her in Proof).

Blaine shows up at Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts‘s auto-shop to talk about shit. Blaine orders him to give Kurt the sex talk already, because he’s as naive as Eliza Doolittle is Bri-ish.

Finally, it’s time for Santana’s feelings-about-Brittany-the-Perfect song, with Gwyneth Paltrow on lead, and the two real characters on backup: “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. Not exactly sure why this song is fitting for Santana’s feelings, but the song was my favorite of the episode by A LOT. All those teary-eyed kiss-me-I’m-emotional faces that Santana was flashing at Brittany the perfect?! Yes:

Santana cries all about her feelings for Brittany the Perfect, but warns everyone not to label her a lesbian.

Puck joins the Celibacy Club because he’s been scared str8 by that not-at-all-close-call with the child porn thing from a million seconds ago. He gets a cold welcum from Quinn and Rachel, who have both AT LEAST blown him, if not let him titty-fuck them, or in Quinn’s case, titty-fuck her vagina and get her pregnant. Then the Celibacy Club performs their big number for Nude Erections: “Afternoon Delight” by The Starland Vocal Band, in mental-patient Brady Bunch drag:


Hot Uncle Jesse Carl was on drums for that one, and when he overhears that Emma thought the song was about dessert, not FUCKING, he panics and demands that Gwyneth Paltrow have a sit-down-and-chat with him and Emma about sex.

But first: Kurt and his dad from Guts have their sex talk, and it’s pretty lovely actually. He gives Kurt a bunch of pamphlets about STD’s and safe sex, then tells Kurt that whenever he’s ready, he should definitely have sex, but make it count and not be a slut. I liked this scene, and I bet Dan Savage would’ve too, which is the standard by which I judge all (my imagination that I can read Dan Savage’s mind, even though we’ve never ever met and probs won’t anytime soon).

Gwyneth Paltrow gets right to the point with Emma and Hot Uncle Jesse Carl: they haven’t fucked yet, but have been married for months. Gwyneth Paltrow asks Emma if she’s still in <3 with Schue, and it turns out that she is, so Hot Uncle Jesse Carl leaves (GWYNETH–GRAB THAT SHIT!).

Santana puts on her finest black leather jacket with long fringes to finish her conversation with Brittany the Perfect: Santana is in love with her, and wants to be girlfriends. WOW. Brittany the Perfect is pretty fucking into it, except she won’t dump Artie for Santana because she loves him, which makes Santana soooo upset (“who knew being fluid could make you feel so stuck?”–Santana).

Puck is super serious about celibacy, because Lauren making him hold out and woo her (except when she ordered him to fuck her on camera?) is his second favorite thing ever, after taking a huge shit in the afternoon (his words). So, Lauren joins the Celibacy Club, too, and then I guess everyone else does too? Because everyone from Nude Erections pretty much is in there all of a sudden, having a meeting about never touching crotches (their own or anyone else’s)? I am confused. Oh, and Quinn has secretly been hooking up with Finn and has a hicky about it.

Gwyneth Paltrow tells Schue she’s moving on to another school, but then also wants to have ROMANCE with him, not just FUCKSEX. Kinda cunty, since she just found out that Emma’s still in love with him, and even fucked up her new marriage about it, but that’s really Emma’s fault for being such a nightmare, so I take it back about the cuntiness, but not entirely… So then Gwyneth Paltrow and Schue KISS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT WEEK: Gleegionalz, Rachel vs. Quinn, baby blue dresses with sparkly waist-belts, and original music! Yiiiiiiikes, can’t wait!

Comments (29)
  1. That pickle Paltrow’s holding looks pretty tasty.

  2. You guys, we should lay off Gwyneth Paltrow

  3. There should be a moratorium on Afternoon Delight based jokes. Arrested Development and Anchorman pretty much owned that song last decade.

  4. “can’t wait!”

    Better get Bart Scott’s money in the mail.

  5. “Even though this show is fucking horrible, at least I have a scene with Oscar winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow!” – John Stamos, 2011

    “Even though this show is fucking horrible, at least I have a scene with Grammy winning band The Beach Boys!” – John Stamos, 1988

  6. I loved their version of Landslide too, but I thought they should have given a little credit to the Dixie Chicks, since their cover was exactly the same, note for note as the Dixie Chicks’ cover.

  7. The key is to use the curling iron in the tub so you don’t get burnt.

  8. Was anyone else as offended by the term “yikers” as I was?

  9. i am not saying that the brittany-santana subplot made me cry.

    …but it did.

  10. I don’t really understand Holiday’s whole “sex isn’t what matters its who you’re in love with” because if buddy is in love with his wife and is sleeping with a bunch of fella’s, straight he is not. Although, I do think labels are stupid and wouldn’t it be cool if we could just love anybody we wanted and not have to put up with crap for it.

    And I love Kurt’s plotlines and just want the show to always be about him and his dad. That advice is perfect for everyone.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.