I know that Videogum’s Resident Glee expert, Gabe Liedman, will have a different take on this when it actually airs (which, speaking of, how come this is even available already? Is that how you drum up excitement for something these days? By just providing the whole thing right away?) but until then, it is just like The Goonies said: it is our time down here. Down here it is our time. For this week’s Caption Contest, I would like to do a little role playing! (NO ADULTO.) Pretend for a moment that you are in high school and that THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING in one of your classes. How do you react (without getting sent to the principals’ office)? Welcome to Captions 102!

Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. It is like our Honor Roll!

Comments (109)
  1. “Ms. Paltrow, how is this helping us learn algebra again?”

  2. No. No I do not.

  3. I hope no one notices me. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE NOTICE ME!?!

  4. I feel like Mrs. Kovar–all I see is buttholes.

  5. “I have the most explainable boner right now.” -High School Boy

  6. I want to fuck everybody!

    • (*sniff*) dude, remember that Ecstasy you put in the Sloppy Joe mix, .. I think.. I think.. heh, heh. you just gotta check.. hooooly shit and Godsauce is rollin’ too, bro! Who’s that blonde bitch, anyway?

  7. This is a deleted scene from “Waiting for Superman.”

  8. [Gabe backs away from posting link to Paltrow candids, trembles]

  9. Can we just copy and paste all the butt and poop jokes from the last post? I think it’ll save us a lot of time and effort.

  10. If by “touch” you mean “stab in the face repeatedly”, then yes, yes I do.

  11. “A great way to get your kid interested in music is to have an Oscar-award winning actress and soon-to-be country star come to your school and give an impromptu performance in your choir room.” -GOOP

  12. I don’t have a caption, I just want to say that this is the most accurate representation of high school I’ve ever seen.

  13. Well that settles it, I’m straight, sorry bullies

  14. I hope no one gestures for me to join in. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT ME TO JOIN IN!?!

  15. “But when will I ever use this is outside of school??”

  16. Is it just me or does teach look like the girl from Great Expectations?

  17. “Is this gonna be on the test?”

  18. This is a very cunt-ry song.

    I’ll see myself out…

  19. I have the most overrated boner right now.

  20. Alan Simpson: “That’s why kids today don’t learn anything in school. ‘Cause of all the texting and the baggy pants and Jane Jettplane songs and grumble grumble grumble.

  21. I just can’t hate this woman. That last lane is charmingly uttered!

  22. It’s about time they had a Mary Kay Letourneau episode.

  23. Not so much “dancing” as it is “general milling around” to a bad song.

  24. Are we being graded on class participation or can I sit this out?

  25. there’s a new glee? i sure hope i don’t forget to record it for the 136th straight week.

  26. I blame the Teachers’ Union.

  27. “So… you, like, want me to fuck you? Do I need a permission slip?”

  28. “Remember children, the pole dance will count as one-third of your final grade.”

  29. Gay.

    (I said this a lot in high school and I certainly never saw anything as gay as that)

  30. Seeing Paltrow in that jacket is like seeing my mom get out of the shower: black, leathery and slightly uncomfortable.

  31. “Did you hear that Gwyneth Paltrow interrupted our 5th period geography class with a tone deaf rendition of a horrible Joan Jett song? It was crazy. They had to get a bunch of British butlers to hold her down and force feed her sedatives. They carried her away in a golden straight-jacket on a diamond encrusted stretcher.”

    “No I didn’t hear about that. I was too busy getting high on robitussin and listening to Brokencyde. Also, who?”

    “Good point. Let’s go ghost-ride my dad’s whip!”

  32. Ummm…Mrs. Paltrow?

    (gif props to Bridgey)

  33. I went to a very christian high school so “Only God touches me there!” ………………….

  34. Side note: it suddenly occurs to me that my conception of the inner turmoil of teenage emotions is remarkably similar to Dennis Hopper’s characterization of Frank Booth in Blue Velvet.

  35. In its post-Oscars coverage, the Guardian complained about Gwyneth Paltrow leaching the sexy out of every outfit. It appears that leachiness applies to Gwyneth’s singing career as well. Watching this makes me want to put on two more cardigans and never touch anyone again.

  36. I’d hate to see what Gary Glitter’s definition of “GOOP” is.

    • Seriously, though, someone look it up. Did Gary Glitter actually write and direct this episode? It seems like it’s right up his alley.

  37. The recruiter from DeVry is very persuasive.

  38. On the one hand, it’s a teacher wearing tight leather pants, thrusting her hips, and begging her students to touch her. On the other hand, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow.

    My most sexy and least sexy fantasies, colliding in one video.

  39. Jailhouse rock

  40. This picture reminded me of the two things I was really into back in HS.

    Clownin’ Around and Boner Concealment.

  41. WHY WON’T SHE STOP SINGING?!?!?!

    For cereal, please, please stop singing Gwyneth.

  42. I love how the line, “…every girl and boy / needs a little toy…” got changed to, “…needs a little joy.”

    FOX censor: “No, the teacher seducing her students is fine. But for the love of god, we can’t say the word ‘toy’ on network television!”

    Gah. This means that Jim Morrison and Gwyenth Paltrow have something in common. Besides their unbearable smugness, I mean.

  43. Apologies Monsters, but winning a caption contest is not worth me watching that video.

  44. Now that’s metal.

  45. People are acting as though their high school teacher never writhed around in front of them while wearing leather pants.

    Seriously, where did you grow up, Mormonsville?

  46. It appears the show has been getting into trouble based on claims of false advertising. Starting with the third season the show will be renamed “Mild to Severe Discomfort”

    #

  47. Turns out if you bleach your asshole, it will sing.

  48. [IMG]http://img715.imageshack.us/img715/8776/gwynethkevin.jpg[/IMG]

  49. In this game, is Gwyneth Paltrow really singing, or is she poorly lip-syncing in class, too?

  50. soooooo, mom you know that hot blonde teacher you hate? well today in chorus she tried to teach us about safe sex by making suggestive faces, dry humping the air and getting on her knees in front of wheelchair mikey

  51. ‘Man, even the guy in the wheelchair is getting some?’ ~…cause in high school I was unpopular and scared of girls.

  52. i think im in the wrong class, ill stay a little while longer just to be sure

  53. is this the prequel to pregnant at 16?

  54. Gwyneth Paltrow: “Hit it!”
    Everyone: “Okay!”
    *slaps her*

  55. Where is Scott Walker when you need him…

  56. “Ugh, I KNEW it — everyone involved with choir is a huge asshole.”

    (Band geek 4 life)

  57. Considering I went to an all-girls private school, my thought process would have been:

    1. What? I missed a fre dress day? Now I look even more like a goon in this skirt.
    2. Why are there boys here?
    3. Why is that substitute teacher acting like us?

  58. Not shown: Joan Jett totally kicking Gwyneth’s ass after 8th period math class.

  59. This sucks.

  60. Has anyone said they would just GLEEk on her yet? Cause that’s what I’d say….

  61. Remember slutty Sandy from “Grease”? She just sniffed some bath salts and is in the chorus room. Also, I hate her now.

  62. Um, teach? I don’t think “No Child Left Behind” means what you think it means.

  63. “…So using Autotune IS allowed during my vocal performance final?? Because if so I’ve been practicing way too much.”

  64. “My ongoing struggle to define myself against my immediate surroundings, including peer networks and figures of authority, has suddenly increased in difficulty.” –me

    “NERD!” –some jock

  65. Why is this woman always so stiff? I mean she’s all “look at me I’m letting loose on Glee! Wheee!” but she’s still so painfully self-aware it’s just really awkward to watch her do this.

  66. is she supposed to be a pedophile? or is it just that she’s singing the words of a pedophile to underage kids, some of whom are disabled?

    i think this is ACTUALLY the worst thing ever, of all time, literally, FOREVER.

  67. I’ll click on almost anything on here, but I just can’t bring myself to watch this.

  68. “I cried plenty of times while learning how to sit on a chair. It was very frustrating.”

  69. “UUMMMMMMMMMM I NEED AN ADULT!”

  70. In which Will Schuester finally gets fired nevermind.#pedowill

  71. This actually did happen to me in high school. Except there was less Gwyneth Paltrow in leather pants and more Paula Abdul in a captain’s hat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZWwPaamC-s

  72. Some things are not appropriate, and some things are wrong, and then there are things that hurt people. This is one of the latter.

  73. “TOUCH THE INSIDE OF MY JACKET”

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