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Hey guys, I’ve got some terrible news! From Page Six:
Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s been shopping for a music deal, is in advanced talks with Atlantic Records, Page Six has learned. The Oscar-winning actress is poised to sign a contract with the Warner Music-owned label to produce a country album following her starring role in “Country Strong.”
A source told us, “Gwyneth’s agents have been talking to a number of labels about landing her a substantial record deal. Those who have heard the music say it’s country pop. Many labels would be reluctant to give a deal to a star whose first priority is film, but in recent weeks there have been discussions with Atlantic. Gwyneth is a very different name for Atlantic, and one who brings a lot of recognition.” [Ed. note: first of all, hahaha, that source sure talks like a normal human being with very casual, normal sentences. Second of all, I am not sure the problem is that her first priority is film. I think it has more to do with how she is terrible at singing?]
While some music critics were not bowled over by her performances, Gwyneth has big aspirations. She’d like to record with Jay-Z, a close friend of her and Martin. She added during red-carpet interviews, “I think we’d be a good combination.”
Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that she and Jay-Z would be “a good combination”? Oof. I’m pretty sure that has to go on Jay-Z’s tombstone now? “Here Lies a Father, Son, Friend, and Gwyneth Paltrow Delusion.” Sorry, Jay-Z. SHE’S YOUR FRIEND. Most expensive brunch in a castle you ever had. (Also, if Jay-Z and Gwyneth Paltrow were really as close as she keeps insisting in late night TV interviews, you would think she would be more respectful of his work?) Anyway, there is still hope that this frown gets turned upside down, because if they make an I’m Still Here about Gwyneth Paltrow that is actually REAL and features so much self-destructive implosions and Diddy shaking his head in disgust this is all going to be more than worth it. Fingers crossed!
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Coat of Many Dollars
In My London, England Castle Home
Walk the Line (in $500 Boots)
Don’t Fence Me In (I already have a moat)
Barf Miner’s Daughter.
I Shot A Man In My Castle In London Just To Watch Him Die, But Not On The Rug Because It Was Actually Quite Expensive.
A Boy Named Sue. Actually, No Less Silly than A Girl Named Apple.
Love in the Worst Degree
well this is terribly unnecessary
She’s really parlayed that upskirt photo into something big.
“Please explain” — Lindsay Lohan
I didn’t know the 2012 destruction of the globe was going to be caused solely by painfully uncomfortable performances at awards shows. The deadly combination of pity and eye-rolls will take out millions of people at a time.
“While some music critics were not bowled over by her performances”–somebody’s been reading Videogum!
Gabe – can you do something about this asshole?!
Wait – so who is this lady again? Is she a thing?
Good news guys: we don’t have to wait for her album to drop to hear new songs! She’s back on Glee this week!
What’s the opposite of an EGOT?
GOOP.
FART.
OMG what if she wins an Emmy for her Glee guest appearances? She’ll be halfway there… until her album comes out and then… PEOPLE, WE MUST COCKBLOCK THE TONY’S! START ORGANIZING A BOYCOTT NOW!
I remember watching this at the Oscars and being very confused… Um how about collaborating with your successful musician husband that you live with and could work with for no cost, and probably would be similar to your musical style*? No? Ok, jay Z sounds like a much better choice.
*using this term loosely
Couldn’t you also put an * next to music?
Maybe she knows that Coldplay is terrible and she’d better off aligning herself with a good musician.
Also, given that Jay-Z and her are such good friends, why is she announcing to the world that she would like to work with Jay-Z? Shouldn’t just text him and ask him if he’s up for it?
Let me put it this way: I’m pretty sure that when Beyonce and Jay-Z worked together on Bonnie and Clyde, neither one had to alert the media of their intention to work together in order to get the other one’s attention.
An all-too-common miss Gwyneth.
“Your mom is just adding to the arsenal.” -Moses & Apple’s future grade school bullies.
Nothing says down home American country music like Wes Anderson movies, naming your daughter Apple and being married to a British man.
lyrics to include:
drinking beer
struggling to make it
pick up trucks
the american flag
The worst part is I forget that she has been privileged her ENTIRE life. It’s not like she had some tough country upbringing and pulled herself up by her bootstraps to be successful. Unless tough country upbringing= prep school and bootstraps=Louboutins.
By that metric, I’d say she fits in pretty well with most country stars.
Shouldn’t this be a cover story for DUH! Aficionado Magazine?
This was the most inevitable music career since Chet Haze.
Haha. Martin…Oh yeah remember she is married to Chris Martin. You know a marriage is “Country Strong” (sorry) when ever the couple is never photographed together, seen in public together, or mentions eachothers existence.
look at earth from outer space
everyone must find a place
give me time and give me space
gwyneth paltrow is a fake
Just the latest in country albums about chilling on yachts with Beyonce
Every time I turn on the radio, it’s the same stuff over and over again. Don’t you wish musicians could write about something else other than chilling on yachts with Beyonce?
why does she have to shop for a music deal? if will smith can buy his kids stardom, couldn’t chris martin buy his lady a record deal?
that being said, i really wish gwyneth paltrow making a record wasn’t actually a thing.
so a woman needs her man to be successful huh
when it’s gwyneth paltrow recording an album… yes
Gwyneth Paltrow and country music. Two of my three least favorite things in the world are joining forces.
Now all she needs to do is become the quarterback for the Washington Redskins, and the triangle will be complete.
Your Facebook profile is all like…
Music: Everything but country
Movies: Everything but Gwyneth Paltrow
Television: Friday Night Lights
This is also my facebook profile, except…
Music: Everything but country and rap
Exactly, except for the fact that I still haven’t seen “Friday Night Lights,” for some unexplainable reason.
Also unexplainable: my relationship status is not “single.”
Country music deserves this
Can people stop making “Gwyneth Paltrow- singer” a thing. Stop trying to make this happen. I blame Glee and 13 year olds with bad taste.
and Gwyneth, have to blame Gwyneth.
I blame Glee for just about everything right now.
I am constantly baffled that the entire country music industry continues to do this. Apparently you can slap a coat of hard working, never forget 9/11, family, beer and simple values on ANYTHING and sell it as a country act to middle america. Those guys must have the best coke parties.
“…slap a coat of hard working, never forget 9/11, family, beer, and simple values…”
I think you just wrote the chorus for Toby Keith’s new song.
Isn’t it weird how Jay-Z never mentions Gwyneth in interviews ever? You’d assume that since they’re such close friends he’d probably name drop her all the time, but it never seems to happen. Maybe he just respects her privacy.
I believe I speak for everyone when I say, “FINALLY!”
Man, this would make for a GREAT BNPG. Stars that try to parlay a role they played for a movie into a real-life career.
Tobey Maguire – Hoping to shoot strings from his wrists and save Manhattan from strange criminals.
Natalie Portman – Will try out for the New York City Ballet just as soon as that baby is out
Tom Hanks – hoping to become a plush cowboy at the next Furry convention.
Jeff Bridges – Will smoke weed constantly and talk hippie gibberish………wait
wqrq