As we have already discussed, this whole Charlie Sheen business, while a bountiful fount of hilarity and WISDOM (“there are a billion places to hide a million things”), is getting pretty dark. Like, Charles Marlow dark. Like, that thing with the fucking eye hands in Pan’s Labyrinth dark. Like, William S. Burroughs shot his wife in the head dark. But just for now, just for today, as the chill creeps in and the trolls take over, let’s have one last hurrah. For fuck’s sake, IT IS WHAT CHARLIE WOULD WANT. He is the Mayor of The Party! It is only proper that Charlie Sheen be institutionalized against his will and forced to receive important medical treatment we play a Charlie Sheen themed Best New Party Game. And so: Charlie Sheen Movie Quotes!

“You want the truth? YOU CAN’T PROCESS THE TRUTH!”
“You had me at ‘winning.’”
“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to meet my fists of fire. I’ve got tiger blood in my veins. I’m a vatican assassin. I’m F-18 battle-tested bayonets, bro.”
“Where does he get such wonderful goddesses?”
“Mama always said, life was like a box of WINNING, DUH. Buh bye.”

I’m so tired of pretending that I don’t have a fucking Top Gun Rockstar turn at this game. Good luck, trolls.

Comments (126)
  1. But, what we found out is that each one of us is: someone that can cure diseases with their brain . . .
    And Charlie Sheen’s brother . . .
    And Charlie Sheen . . .
    A goddess . . .
    And a warlock…
    Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Winners Circle

  2. Major Leak 3: Coke Nose

  3. “My motto now is you either love or you hate and you must do so violently. There is no try.”

  4. The Whore-ah. The Whore-ah.

  5. I love the smell of cocaine in the morning. Or, you know, any other time, really.

  6. “They call me Dr. Clown Shoes!”

  7. “Losers always whine about giving their best. Winners go home and get embarrassed. From the prom queen.”

  8. The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he had a disease. Bullshit. He cured it with his brain.

  9. “Aaah, not the fools and trolls! The fools and trolls! AAAAAH! All over my eyes! MY EYES! AAAAH! AAAAAH!”

  10. “Clever troll.”

  11. Warlocks come out to wwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn

  12. “Houston, we have a problem… bullshit! I cured it with my brain”

  13. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the Sober Valley Lodge!”

  14. “They may take our porno communes… but they’ll never take our WINNING!”

  15. “I am battle-tested bayonets. And don’t call me Shirley.”

  16. Frankly, my dear. I don’t give a damn. Losers. Winning. Buh Bye.

  17. Day by day I struggle to maintain not only my strength but also my sanity. It’s all a blur. I have no energy to win. I don’t know what’s battle tested anymore. They say the demon is blow, a civil war in the pantaloons. Half the men with aliens, half with cowboys. There’s a lot of Heimies. I can’t believe we’re fighting each other, when we should be fighting addiction with our minds.

  18. “It’s winning. Jump into winning.”

  19. I AM NOT AN ANIMAL. I am a man! And I’m not Thomas Jefferson, either. He was a pussy.

  20. “A martini. Shaken, not stirred. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules.”

  21. You had me at “Dr. Clown Shoes.”

  22. “All right Mr. Lorre. I’m ready for my close up.”

  23. “I pity the fools and trolls.”

  24. “We’ve come for your daughter, Chaim.”

  25. You don’t get to 500,000 twitter followers without bi-winning, bro.

  26. “Parts of Soylent Green are Dennis Hopper!”

  27. “You have my sword”
    “And my Axe”
    “And my battle-tested bayonets”

  28. “I’ll have what’s she’s having. Assuming that what she’s having is crack cocaine.”

  29. Play it, Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes Buh-Bye’

  30. “This is our Vatican Assassin Day!”

  31. A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? WINNING! DUH. Bye.

    From that point on, it was a Sheen-a-thon.

  32. A million pounds of cocaine isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A billion pounds of cocaine.

  33. Rosebud. Boom, that’s the whole movie. That’s life.

  34. “Luke, I am your F-18.”

  35. “A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A billion dollars. On a cellular level.”

  36. I’m tired of pretending I’m not practically perfect in every way.

  37. You’re gonna eat tiger blood and you’re gonna crap winning!

  38. “Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! Winning!!”

  39. “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because coffee is for closers.”

  40. “You’re going to need a bigger briefcase full of cocaine.”

  41. There is an idea of battle-tested bayonets, bro; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real battle-tested bayonets: only a troll, something illusory. And though I can hide my cocaine, and you can shake my fists of fire and feel tiger blood pulsing within and maybe you think you sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… you simply are not winning.

  42. “I WIN your milkshake!” -There Will Be Tiger Blood

  43. You don’t understand I could’ve been somebody, I could’ve been a contender instead of a winner which is what I am.

  44. “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not Thomas Jefferson! He was a pussy.”

  45. “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.

    No, wait. Not greed. I meant ‘cocaine.’ Cocaine is good. But greed’s okay too, I guess.”

  46. “We’re gonna be cured like three Charlies.”

  47. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “Save is the Cancer of Happen.”

  48. “As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be an F-18, bro.”

  49. “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently. WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?!”

  50. With great power comes great winning. Responsibility is for suckers and trolls!

  51. “well ‘ave some blow then, chap.”

  52. And I will strafe runs upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger at a rate your unevolved mind can’t process those who attempt to poison and destroy me. Bullshit, I’ll cure it with my mind. And you will know there are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper when I lay my battle tested bayonets upon you!

    And this includes naps.

  53. “It’s not your mom’s fault. It’s not your mom’s fault. It’s not your mom’s fault. Shut up.”

    • “Listen, Charlie. You know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I wake up to when I get to, ’cause I think, maybe I’ll get there and I’ll refresh my browser and you won’t be there. No radio interviews. No morning talk shows. No nothing. You just left. I don’t know much, but I know that.”

  54. “Call it, friend bro.” – No Country For Trolled Men

  55. “Oh no, it wasn’t teh airplanes. It was Fire-breathing fists killed the Beast.”

  56. “I feel the need… the need for speed.”

  57. “Don’t you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn’t exactly a lot of money these days. Charlie Sheen alone is worth over $1 billion dollars, and that’s just on a cellular level.”

  58. “The problems of two people in this world don’t amount to a hill of 7 gram rocks, bro.”

  59. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when I’m a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars. Sometimes I feel like I’m snorting it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst with tiger blood… and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like battle tested bayonets and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my perfect, bitchin’ life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. You can’t process me with a normal brain. But don’t worry. You will someday.


  60. “A day may come when the courage of men can’t be processed, when we forsake our Adonis DNA and break all bonds of tiger blood… but it is not this day. An hour of fools and trolls and Vatican assassin warlocks, when the age of battle-tested bayonets comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day, we’re WINNING!!!”

  61. I’m a winner, Dottie. A rebel.

  62. “And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

    just kidding – this guy’s a maniac!

  63. “Kevin, you’re such a disease that I cured with my brain.”
    “I made my porn star family disappear?”
    “This is my house, I have to defend it from fools and trolls.”

  64. May the tiger blood be with you.

  65. Goddddessssesss!!!


  66. You’ve gotta ask yourself one question. ‘Are you winning?’ Well, are ya, punk?

  67. “He’s perfect. He’s bitchin’. He’s perfect and he’s bitchin’. Aw forget it, Chaim, it’s Sheen -a-town.”

  68. Supercoke-atigerblood-be-winningbattleteste-F18ala-troll-shus

  69. I’m the king of the world!

    Huh. Didn’t really need to change that one.

  70. “I got the results of the test back – I definitely have breast can’t” #TheRoom

  71. Fuck it, Dude.. let’s wear bowling shirts.

  72. This. Is. WINNING!!!

  73. Keep your friends violently close and enemies violently closer. -Charlie Sheen, The Godfather part II

  74. Here’s lookin’ at you, loser

  75. There can be only one, but I’m not the Highlander. He was a pussy.

  76. …all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “I CAN’T PROCESS IT”.

  77. Hey, man, you don’t talk to the Charlie. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “My motto is either you love or you hate and you must do so violently”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…

  78. “The Colossus of Coke”
    “The Sultan of SWAT teams being called to break up his parties”
    “The Great BLOWBINO”
    “Oh my God, you mean that’s the same guy?!?”

  79. Charlie Sheen’s been busy, setting up interviews all across the networks. Am I asleep? Had I slept? Is Charlie my bad dream, or am I Charlie’s?

  80. Of all the porn rooms in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

  81. Nobody puts Dr. Clown Shoes in the corner.

  82. Is it still winning? I hadn’t noticed.

  83. love means always having to say you’re winning

  84. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is . . . a brain and an athlete and a basket case and a princess and a totally bitchin’ rock star from mars.

  85. “You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you go to the Sober Valley Lodge.”

  86. “I’ll have what she’s having. Duh. Rhymes with winning.”
    (Note: what she’s having is probably cocaine)

  87. “Goooood Morning Vietnam! We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee!”

  88. “how’d it get winning? How’d It Get Winning?? HOW’D IT GET WINNINGHOW’DITGETWINNING?!”

  89. Winning, for the lack of a better word.. is good. Buh BYE!!

  90. You know how to be winning don’t you Steve? you just put your unevolved mind to it and do a gnarley amount of blow.

  91. “A. Always B. Be W. WINNING!”

  92. “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her violently.”

  93. I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is bitchin’ and winning every second.

  94. “Jesus Hitler..Adolf Christ! Is this the second coming or the third reich!” Ok ok. This has nothing to do with Charlie Sheen, I’ve been listening to Carnivore like a muthafucka lately.

  95. “I just want to say one word to you – just one word…. ‘Winning!’”

  96. “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through li…….wait a second, WINNING!”

  97. “there’s no Trolls in baseball”
    “there’s no crying in WINNING”
    “Has anyone seen my army of assassins?…Piss on your army of assassins!”

  98. “… They’ve got cave fools and cave trolls.”


  100. “hold onto your battle-tested bayonets!”

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