Nothing is sacred. Not really. There are varying levels of sensitivity, and there is certainly tastelessness, but there isn’t any single thing in the world as we know it that can be made fun of, or turned into the basis for a melodramatic romance movie for tweens, or other examples. And in the end we will all be so much dust thrown into the wind and flying back into Steve Buscemi’s face, or whatever. But just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean that you SHOULD do something. Just because nothing is off limits doesn’t necessarily mean that limits need to be tested or broken. Take a second! You’ve got time! Think about what you are doing. Ask yourself this question: would everyone in the whole world be better off if I just didn’t do the thing that I am about to do? If the answer is “yes” or even just “probably” then find something else to occupy your time. There’s so much out there. What a wonderful world filled with exciting opportunities and adventures to be had. Here, I’ll give you a more specific example: when you’ve rounded up a few million dollars to make a movie with a cast that includes Robert Pattinson from the Twilight movies and Academy Award winner Chris Cooper about a young couple finding love despite their individual emotional hardships, ask yourself this question: DOES the movie NEED to end with 9/11 as a completely unnecessary and mildly offensive subplot-point, or could we just skip that part because WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING? The answer to that question in the case of Remember Me, of course, is WHOOPS, TOO LATE.

Remember Me opens on a subway platform in 1991 with the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center clearly visible in the background. Huh. I bet it’s nothing. You know, filmmakers aren’t actually very selective about what makes it into the frames of their movies, so he probably didn’t even realize it was there. When he had it CGI’ed into the background. Anyway, a mother and her daughter are on the subway platform and get mugged and then the mom gets murdered. Some cops show up and it turns out one of them (Chris Cooper) is the little girl’s father. “10 years later.” Wait, that’s it? Fair enough. 10 years after 1991 makes it….ah, who cares. Math is so hard! Now we are enjoying the story of Robert Pattinson. He is a vampire werewolf swamp thing student at NYU who loves drinking beers and smoking cigarettes and fucking girls that he never calls back. #swag #getHAZED.

We learn that he has a very close relationship with his precocious little sister, that his older brother hung himself while working for their powerful and over-bearing father, and that Robert Pattinson hates their powerful and over-bearing father. One night he gets in a fight for no reason. He’s really out of control! The cops are going to let him go, but then he talks back to them (see what I mean about how out of control he is?!) so they arrest him and also his nerdy roommate who is so nerdy (but also gets a lot of sex action, I guess? His character contains multitudes!) Long story long: the nerdy roommate decides that they should get back at the cop who locked them up by having Robert Pattinson date his daughter. BURN! THAT COP WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM! And so now Robert Pattinson and Emilie De Ravin (Claire from Lost) are dating. Neat!

Most of the rest of the movie is all about how hard it is being white. Like, Emilie De Ravin passes out drunk one night, so her widowed cop dad is super mad when she gets home, and they get in a fight and something something murdered mom he hits her, so now she lives with Robert Pattinson. And boy, Robert Pattinson sure hates his dad, who does seem like kind of a jerk, although actually he’s always very apologetic about it, he just happens to make his priorities very clear, which is that he’s a workaholic, and to be honest, fair enough, like there are way worse dads in the world than a billionaire workaholic who tells you he wishes he could have been there for the recital or whatever. But Robert Pattinson throws a fit and now THEY almost hit each other. Then something happens where Robert Pattinson’s little sister cuts her hair at a birthday party? I don’t know. Oh, and naturally Emilie De Ravin finds out that Robert Pattinson was only dating her as a bet with his nerdy roommate and she’s really upset, but eventually she stops being upset, and now they are back together. FINALLY: Robert Pattinson goes to his dad’s office one morning but his dad is running late and his little sister’s teacher writes this on the chalkboard:

EEEEEK! And that’s practically the end of the movie? I mean, there’s a lot of this:

The end. WHOA WAIT WHAT?!

Let's set aside the 9/11 stuff for a second (forever if we possibly can) and talk about the rest of the movie: it's not that great, but it's not that bad either. It's mostly just overwrought. Everyone wears these traumas on their sleeves. At one point, on their first date, Robert Pattinson tells Emilie De Ravin that he will walk her to the subway and she is like "oh no uh no I don't take the subway ever." It's very intense and awkward, which we know is because her mom was murdered on the subway, but also a long time has gone by and she still lives in New York City. I'm not saying she needs to take the subway, but you'd think she'd manage to DISCUSS the subway without her head falling off. Similarly on another early date, she sees a photo of Robert Pattinson's brother playing a guitar or something and she's like "does he play around here," and Robert Pattinson is like "not anymore." Right. Because he's dead. It's OK, you can tell Emilie De Ravin that your brother is dead. I bet she'll still fuck you.

Also there is a lot of false "charm" and "depth" in this movie that is neither charming nor deep. For example:


On the one hand, I will admit that that’s VERY 21-year-old, so if the point was to capture how annoying and stupid and self-possessed with false-intellectual-security 21-year-olds are, yes, this movie nailed it. But my guess is that this is supposed to be very charming and maybe even make people think that they should be eating dessert before their entrees because they, too, love dessert and isn’t it fun to have quirky personal philosophies? Well, no, not really. And also: eating lamb vindaloo right after eating ice cream and drinking a glass of skim milk is disgusting. I wish she had been the one who died on 9/11.

So, right, the whole 9/11 thing.

Ugh. UGH. The movie has absolutely nothing to say about 9/11, so what is this doing here? I think the idea is that the movie deals with personal loss and somehow 9/11 is like, OUR personal loss, all of us. Except that it isn’t, and also, if it was, how are you going to shoehorn in something that actually matters to so many people just because you don’t know how to end your movie. How is that suddenly our problem? Woof. Just do what Clue did! Have three separate endings! But make sure NONE of them involve a National Tragedy. This is almost worse than the season 1 finale of Fringe, and that was terrible!

Never forget. How misguided and ultimately very awful Remember Me is. Remember THAT.

Next week: The Bucket List. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (138)
  1. So, Gabe, does this mean you are officially Team Jacob now?

  2. “What?! You expect me to make good movies?! REALLY PEOPLE?!”

  3. I get it it’s called Remember Me but if it weren’t for the ending no one would remember this movie

  4. The title “Remember Me” reminds me of the Lawnmower Man, who I always tell to remember me the next time I log in, but he never does…

  5. Remember Me. Never Forget.

  6. I will remember you,
    Will you remember me?
    Don’t let 9/11 pass you by,
    Weep not for the crap movies.

    –”There, I Fixed It”, Baby Friday

  7. You guys remember this?

  8. “Hey, remember the LAST TIME you were REALLY SAD? Do you want to, you know, feel that again when you watch our movie, and maybe somehow re-associate that incalculable sadness with the stupid love story between our poorly developed characters? And then tell all your friends how sad our movie was? Please?” -Somebody, who made a lot of money off this idea

  9. Anyone here vying for lowest rated comment, make a 9/11 joke. I fucking dare you.

    (Also, thank you for not making a 9/11 joke, Gabe.)

    • Ok..

      What’s the simplest way to express 0.8181… as a fraction? 9/11!

      I guess that’s more of a basic math question. I don’t know any 9/11 jokes. I tried.

    • Q) Why is 6 afraid of 7?

      A) Because 7 8 9/11.

    • “Knock Knock?”
      “Who’s there?”
      “9/11.”
      “9/11 who?”
      “You swore you’d never forget.”

    • How many terrorists does it take to hijack an airplane?

      Nine.

      Eleven.

    • A rabbi and a 9/11 walk into a bar.

    • Q) What do you get when you cross a skyscraper with an aeroplane?

      A) A flying skyscraper.

      (What?)

    • Q: What’s was the worst part about 9/11?

      A: The Lower Manhattan traffic.

      • Here, I made this for you.

        • Tiger-blooded Charlie Sheen warlock does not approve!

        • Sorry, Don Homer. But this shit ain’t funny. It’s insensitive and fucking gross, actually. But I guess some of you guys thought people who jumped from a burning building in a desperate attempt to save their lives is the stuff of comedy. Jesus fucking christ, you guys. I expected more class.

          • You know, sometimes I agree with Peeps’ sentiment about this sort of stuff. It’s pretty damn sad to think about the people who died that day. A lot of folks leapt to their own death rather than wait for it to come to them, and finding an angle on a laugh about that is difficult and sort of painful. That was a day where we all felt grief, for sure. It’s painful to be reminded of that.

            Of course, I made a stupid joke right up there about the traffic being the worst thing about 9/11. So I guess I’m saying: On the other hand, jokes and laughter are kind of a necessary part of the grieving process. That old cliche about laughter being the best medicine is cliche for a reason, because it’s pretty true. You know that shitty movie/TV trope where people are sad at a funeral but eventually start laughing and having a blast at the deceased’s expense and it helps them get over the loss? It rings true because laughter does help you process and deal with grief and heavy emotion. I don’t think Don Homer or anyone else here is like, “Yeah, fuck those 9/11 victims.” I’m willing to bet we were all deeply moved by the tragedy, whether we’re Americans or just decent people. Joking about them is just a part of dealing with the loss. Just like how plenty of Jews joke about the Holocaust, even though they are deeply moved by the sadness of it.

            I mean, you’ve seen Life Is Beautiful, right?

          • Fozzy, I definitely agree with your sentiment. Laughter is absolutely a part of the grieving process. I just think a few of these jokes have been out-of-bounds. I get it, we’re all trying to crack each other up on here which is why I love reading the comments. Dusky Panther basically begged commenters not to make 9/11 jokes, but it was funny when the first three jokes were actually really mundane jokes that just happened to have 9/11 as a punchline. And then there was a fucking drawing with bodies tumbling to the ground. Hardy har har (no). I’m all for adding a little levity at a funeral when the time is right, but don’t be like “WOW, grandpa was a heavy guy. There’s gonna be a lot of lucky worms tonighttt!!” A little taste, a little class. That’s all.

          • But there in lies the rub, Peeps. Taste and Limits and Boundaries are all relative and open to interpretation in instances like these. What upsets you may not upset other people, even if you are on the same side of the issue.

            Personally, I’m not really a fan of the picture with the people jumping out of the building. But I’m sure some people found it funny, with the silly juxtaposition of national tragedy against a child’s hand drawn Valentine. Yes, I can see why people would laugh, even though I am not. And that’s OK.

          • Well said, Fozzy.

  10. “I always eat my dessert first. Guy named Hurley taught me that.”

  11. When my page loaded the twin towers picture was missing:

    Poignant!

  12. I didn’t know about the ending when I saw this movie, so when I saw the teacher write the date, I was all like:

    And then I was like:

  13. NEVER FORGET: How misguided and condescending this piece of crap is.

  14. 9/11 was the first day of classes my senior year of classes. I was trying to switch into a Sociology of Gender course (GENTLEMEN??), and when I walked into the professor’s office the TV in the lobby was showing the aftermath of the first plane hit. I thought, wow, what a terrible accident. As I left her office I saw the second plane had hit, and it began to dawn on us what was happening.

    My Lit Theory (seriously, I am the worst) professor, who is a BIG asshole anyway, insisted that we meet for the entire two hours that afternoon. Because, you know, NOTHING is as important as Lacan. Fucking Lacan.

    • “day of classes my senior year of classes”=good work A+

    • I think that you might be projecting frustrations about your Lack onto Lacan.

    • Asshole 9/11 stories? Asshole 9/11 stories!

      I was in my Spanish II class in high school, and the principal came on the intercom and announced that a plane had hit the WTC, and she asked all the teachers to turn on the TV to the news so the students could watch. Well, the teacher puts it on and we are watching and this one douche bag kid who was so annoying and always trying to cheat off me grabbed the remote of the teacher’s desk and was like “Let’s watch music videos on MTV!” (MTV still played music videos, Son of Gabe) he goes to change the channel and BOOM, the second plane hit. AND HE STILL WANTED TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL! Needless to say, the teacher pulled the remote from his hands.

      Anyway, that is my asshole 9/11 story.

      • I should mention that the douche was basically this guy:


        Interestingly enough, I think he also gained 20 lbs and was fired from the car wash after some incriminating photos surfaced.

      • ugh, I feel your pain. Only that douche was our assistant principal and he went around making us turn off every TV in the building. He got to my calculus (U + Me = US) class right after the first building fell.

        Then, because we were just outside of Cleveland (where one of the planes turned around and eventually went down in Pennsylvania)… and also because we were right by a nuclear power plant which they worried was a target… fighter jets started doing rounds right over our school. But nope… still not allowed to watch TV to figure out what was up… “go about your business, kids. I don’t want you 17 and 18 year old high school seniors to see anything that might upset you. I’d much rather you live in fear and ignorance as to what is happening on one of the most historical and terrifying days in this country’s history ever. Never forget this chapter of Moby Dick you are going over instead of watching the events that will eventually lead many of you to fight in an unjust war overseas. Never forget.”

        “I’m sure there’ll be a movie staring a teen heartthrob named Robert Pattinson in about 10 years that’ll fill in the blanks for you nicely.”

        That’s exactly what he said, guys, exactly.

      • Asshole 9/11 stories:

        I was in Journalism class, sophomore in high school, when we first found out about what happened. It was right after the second plane hit and we heard the first tower fall. I went to my next class, Speech, with Ms. Fisk. I told her what happened, she looked at me like I had just told her I was wearing shoes. She didn’t give a shit. She went through her speech lesson, including overheads on a projector, like it was actually fucking important.

        Fuck her.

    • Of course Lacan. I called my boss to tell her I wasn’t coming in that day and she was mad at me. She said she didn’t understand what something in New York had to do with me. She was from Indiana and very religious. I have held this against Indiana and religion ever since.

      I watched TV with my roommates all day and then we were like “I wonder if John knows” because our landlord John who lived downstairs was a poet and never turned on the TV and hardly ever the radio. So I knocked on his door and could tell by his face he had no idea.

      Years later I went back and visited him and he told me that because I knocked on his door and told him, he always associates 9/11 with me. So I am remembered.

      • A lot of people hold 9/11 against religion, but usually for different reasons.

      • I hope this doesn’t affect your ability to watch Parks and Rec. Fine people of Pawnee just want to make you laugh every Thursday night!

        • My boss was kind of like Amy Poehler in that, actually, if Amy Poehler taped Bible quotes all over her desk and became extremely awkward around her Jewish employees. (“There are so many Jews in Los Angeles!” #dismay)

          • “enough that you should maybe stop saying that!” #alsoinamerica #alsointheworld #alsoshutupevilamypoehler

          • Yeah, that was one of those Did she really just say that?? moments.

            Karma: She saved herself till marriage and (go figure) had a lot of difficulty finding the right man. Then at 29 she married some guy who survived to a fourth date with her. So, basically, no sex during a whole decade of youth, and then marriage to a total stranger. Yay.

    • Not an asshole 9/11, but since we’re sharing… I was a first year grad student, and I was supposed to teach Intro Biology lab that day. I heard the news on the radio while driving to school. When I got there classes were canceled, thankfully. I left a note on the classroom door telling my students something to the effect of “GO FIND A TV AND WATCH THE NEWS! World changing events are happening that you need to see!”

    • Holy shit, this thread is making me feel old. I was definitely out of high school when 9/11 happened. But I have to give you guys props (is that what the kids say these days? Ow, my arthritis) because I seriously can’t imagine being stuck inside a school all day with teachers who can be shitty and insensitive (not all are like that, but you had to have at least one), and the general idiots who populate high schools (see thisismynightmare’s story below). That day was such a mindfuck, I probably would have just walked out Judd Nelson-style.

      • Different Places:
        1) I was actually a senior in college.
        2) I am a high school teacher now. I try not to be shitty and insensitive (although I acknowledge those teachers exist). And the kids I teach are not generally idiots.

        I know I am overreacting. But I love my work and want to be clear that Judd Nelson is a total prick in that movie. I know you don’t mean it as strongly as I’m taking it–I’m being emotional. It’s not you–it’s me. Also, I have a crush on Judd Nelson.

      • i concur that high school is a less-than-ideal place to hear about something like this. ours was particularly rough because we weren’t allowed to watch tv or listen to the radio because they were afraid that we’d all be scarred. one bad ass teacher (who we all thought was a terrible man, but turns out we were just dumb) didn’t teach any classes and instead just had the radio on. (tenure!)

        i’m not sure how us going home and all watching the replays on the news alone was any healthier than being with people and having an adult there to support us. then again, that’s pretty much the same story of middle school & columbine. “don’t watch tv when you get home, wait for your parents” – middle school teachers. yes, i’m very sure all of us followed that.

        • I hate to hear (although I know it’s the sad reality for a lot of people) that high school would be a bad place to be when something like this goes down. God knows I thought my professor was a jag for keeping us when I just wanted to be with friends and family. But we do a lot of prep at my school in case of disasters, and I have spent a lot of time preparing myself to take care of my kids if something like this goes down. I would want to think that I would make my kids feel as safe and comforted as possible. In my first year teaching high school the massacre at VA Tech took place, and I had to confront the reality that, much like the professor there, if someone were brandishing a gun at my kids I would hold the door, I would do anything in my power to keep them safe. That’s a scary thought when you know in your heart that some of your kids think of you as a total dope, and you would protect them until the bitter end. #rambling

        • Crap. Just wrote a whole big long-ass thing about how I think it sucks (but is understandable) that people would think high school would be a bad place to be in a time like that. Then it disappeared. But the point I wanted to make is that I do everything I can to make my kids feel safe and comforted when they’re distressed. I was in my first year of teaching high school when the VA Tech massacre went down, and I had to ask myself the question of what I would do if a madman came to the door with an automatic weapon. I know what I would do–it’s a scary thought to think that you would give yourself up to protect your students, most of whom think you’re a big wiener. I still think my professor was a big jag for not letting us out, but if my kids have to be stuck at school, I’d like to think that I would do my best to make them feel loved and cared for.

        • I was in high school during Columbine and it was pretty awful. I was in either Chemistry or Physics and we just sat there and watched the news. There were about 25 of us in the class. We were all quiet. The teacher made some comments but i don’t remember what they were.

          A week later we were having our backpacks searched because no one trusted kids anymore.

          • Searching backpacks was old news for me by the time Columbine happened–we had bomb threats called in to my giant public high school daily. One day we were exiled to the parking lot while the fire dept searched our lockers, and we were out there so long a riot ensued when a kid stole a cop’s nightstick and started hitting him with it. We wore lanyards with ID cards on that broke away in case someone tried to garrote you with yours.

            Columbine wasn’t the beginning. It sucked, but shit like that has been out there for years.

          • And people have failed to trust kids for a long, long time. Teenagers have been basically the same for hundreds of years. Rebel without a Cause, Romeo and Juliet, Antigone…

          • Well, for someone who kept ‘action figures’ in his backpack in high school this was a HUGE violation of my right to privacy (that exists, right?)

            I agree that Columbine wasn’t the beginning but it was definitely a palpable change. NO Highschooler was trusted; it wasn’t just the ‘bad kids’ or the poor ones or the minorities (racist!) or the big city schools, it was everyone everywhere (even Nowhere, Kansas!). AND being quiet and not very social made you MORE distrusted by adults!

            So, really this is about me and having to walk all the way around the school to the one unlocked door and then having my poptart smashed and my Scully fondled. #lifeishard.

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          • Baby Friday, I’m not trying to argue with you. I’m just relating my experience as a student in High School whose life was changed by Columbine.

            School shootings became a thing that could happen anywhere. There have been enough before and since but it is still the deadliest in an American High School. And what made this ‘more real’ is that I/we/parents/everyone watched the stand off, saw students and faculty fleeing the building through broken windows; even when we FINALLY heard it was over I was still young enough believe that it actually was.

            Instead we had to attend counseling sessions and sit through school assemblies about cliques. We had students who were suspended for wearing trenchcoats which they had worn before but were all of the sudden not just ridiculous but offensive, insensitive and against the rules. We had to FIGHT OFF a strict dress code for our public school. Student rights that were taken for granted became last stands against adults who were ‘just trying to protect us’ (by banning goth style, dark makeup and South Park T-shirts?). Yes you CAN search our backpacks and lockers, but what does that say when you DO?

            Yes, my view of this is tainted because I was a 16 to 18 year old who was not used to not being trusted. And I am not even trying to compare my High School experience to anyone else or even say I had it rough or rougher than anyone. I enjoyed High School (for the most part.) The fact is…things changed. No, it was not the beginning but it was the rallying cry: “We don’t want another Columbine” was a thing people actually said (still say?). It is what they said when they preempted episodes of fucking Buffy The Vampire Slayer! (Season 3, Earshot!) Fear was everywhere and it was fear of children.

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          • For crap’s sake, I wasn’t saying what they were doing was wrong. I was saying that when I was in High School I was inconvenienced by bag searches. I felt they were reactionary and ridiculous. When I was told I would have to have my bag searched or I wouldn’t be allowed in school I simply stopped bringing my bag home with me. They didn’t even keep it up (they instead did ‘random’ bag search days). They continued with their locker checks every so often…brought in the drug dog and encouraged us to say something if we saw something.

            For the record the bag question was rhetorical. It was a question that at the time was not being asked enough. The administration and parents were just assuming that what they were doing was right and we as students were just challenging that. It didn’t even matter; we just needed them to give us better answers than ‘for your own good’ and ‘because we said so.’

            Now, I feel like we were talking about being in school during national tragedies and I made a couple comments, a joke or two and you went off on this crazy bag searching rant for some reason (no reason?)..so maybe do yourself a favor and refrain from replying. ♥

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    • I like sharing time!

      I found out in my first period calculus class in high school and it so happened that my calc teacher didn’t believe in television. After the final bell, she said that something very big had happened in New York and gave our calculus assignment and asked us to just quietly listen to the NPR while we do our work.

      It was very surreal because we all knew something very big and very important had happened, but we had no idea how big and how important, because seeing the footage and hearing about the footage are such different things. I spent an hour sitting in class staring at line graphs while trying to picture a plane hitting the building, but couldn’t really do it.

      My next classes all wheeled the TVs out and let us watch (except chemistry, chemistry is serious business and won’t wait for anything – even 9/11s), but I think back on it now wondering if what I felt for an hour in calculus is at all comparable to what people felt before they had TVs – “I know this is a big deal but I can’t even being to understand it.”

      • I think I was in fifth or sixth grade at the time, and like Girl Friday, found it very surreal. It’s like I didn’t have the capacity to understand exactly what was going on and definitely didn’t realize the gravity of the situation. I knew it was bad, but I can be a bit of an airhead, so it wasn’t until later when I had seen the reactions of certain people (parents, friends, etc) that I really got it.

        Specifically, I remember the teachers turning on the TV to let us watch the news. One kid said that the footage seemed like something out of a movie, which many of us also thought or said to each other, but not “out loud” to the teacher. Well, said teacher got pissed and scolded this kid, which has always bothered me. I guess she was trying to make sure that we were being respectful and/or understanding of what was happening, but how would you expect a bunch of fifth graders to react? Like I said above, it’s not like any of us really had the knowledge/emotional experience to truly deal with it. Fiction like movies/TV, etc. is probably the only space where we’d been confronted with something like that before.

        • I was in third grade (#babygum) and they didn’t even tell us at school. They just put us back on buses and sent us home an hour after we got there. It was probably the right thing to do, but it still meant that when we got home, my mother had to explain the concept of terrorism to me and my younger sister, as well as tell us that our father had had a meeting at the Pentagon that morning, and she couldn’t reach him. (He was fine, for the record. He was still in traffic when the plane hit.) Asshole story: my mother took me to our regular book club later that day, and this kid I was kind of friends with laughed at me and a couple other kids for being upset. He’s now a creepy stalker, which I probably should have expected.

          • Wow, that must have been terrifying for you and your family about your dad! Glad everything was okay.

            I only knew one person who mocked us for being upset–my roommate at the time. He laughed at us for crying and went to a rave.

    • for 9/11 i was living in downtown l.a. and nobody had a fucking clue what was happening and since everyone in l.a. thinks the world revolves around them, we all thought we were gonna be next to be attacked.

      so then my roommates and i went to my dealer’s house, and he had made the most potent brownies i have ever eaten. We each ate one then went home and got super high and watched the news. at some point, one of my roommates just said, out of nowhere “we’re gonna go to war with iraq now, just watch.”

      then i ate an entire box of mac&cheese all by myself. in my asshole 9/11 story, i am the asshole. also my friends were assholes too. college students are the worst (sorry college students).

      • It’s not just an LA thing. On September 11th I was at high school in Australia, and 80% of our year level started freaking out like ‘WE’RE NEXT’ and threatening the Muslim kids because they were classy like that.

    • I was actually in middle school (MIDDLE SCHOOL), in connecticut and a teacher of ours began freaking out. She started pacing around the room worried as we watched the coverage on CNN (on a black and white tv next to a map with the USSR still on it). After smoke began pouring out of the pentagon she really started to loss it and began to say something to the effect of “We’re next!”. Us being rational tweens we inquired “Why in God’s name would anyone attack suburban connecticut?” To which she replied, as if we were the biggest idiots of all time, “Duh, Hartford is the insurance capitol of the WORLD!” Little did we know that terrorists HATE insurance.

    • I was a freshman and my danish RA ran down the hall pounding on our dorm-room doors shouting: “we’re under attack, they’re attacking us! America is under attack!”

      Half of the student body of my college was from NYC, and it was chaos. In the first quiet moment, I remembered that I had been to NYC in high school (I’m from Maine) with my then-girlfriend, and we had taken her little stepsister up in one of the towers. We lost track of her up there, she just took off. She was a squirrely one and only about 4 years old. My then-girlfriend panicked and NYC seemed suddenly like a huge place that one could easily get very lost, and not found in.

  15. For some reason, the name “Tyler Hawkins” makes me really mad.

  16. THE 911 IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!!!! Seriously, this is by far the worst “psycheeeee!!!! out ending” ever, right?

    I imagine the writing sessions went something like this:

    Writer: My character is so brooding and aloof, he’s so cool.

    Writer’s friend: Why though? Being white is hard? He just goes around moping for no reason?

    Writer: Oh yeah? Well… It ends with 911!

    Writer’s friend: …

  17. Gabe, you didn’t mention Charlie Sheen once in this post. Here, I’ll fix it.

  18. Never Forget Me

  19. I was logging in to make a comment and there was a box that said
    ‘Remember me”

    “What does this MEAN” – Charlie Sheen?

  20. This movie seems utterly horrible, but it did give me one of my favorite video store moments ever. I was wandering through the best renter section and I heard this exchange between a pair of high school girls in front of the wall of approximately 9000 copies of Remember Me:

    Girl 1: Have you seen this yet?
    Girl 2: Yeah, the end was so sad.
    Girl 1: Yeah, 9/11.
    Girl 2: Totally.

    Then they had a short pause before switching topics to how they couldn’t wait for the next Twilight movie to come out. I was biting my hand to keep from (obviously) laughing.

  21. I am writing this from my sickbed, having suffered from feverish twitches and dreams most of last night, to the point where at one stage I tried to pull a dog off my husband, only there was no dog and I was just trying to yank his arm from its socket and no one was very happy about this…or I may have been dreaming the whole thing. Who knows? So, getting to the point:

    I nominate, once again, Synedoche, New York, for WMOAT.

    Do I need pictures? Do I need descriptions? Or this week, can I just rely on my hallucinatory illness to prompt you to investigate how SOUL CRUSHINGLY BIZARRE-FOR-NO-REASON GAH THEATRE WACKY this horrid movie is?

    Thank you, I go now into the arms of the abyss (bed with ginger and lemon tea)

  22. I may be wrong, but I think Gabe messed up on that Steve Buscemi joke.

    • You are correct, it is actually Steve Buscemi dust blowing back into The Dude & John Goodman’s faces (though i kind of feel like the “or whatever” at the end of the sentence makes it all good.)

  23. I am writing this from my sickbed, having suffered from feverish twitches and dreams most of last night, to the point where at one stage I tried to pull a dog off my husband, only there was no dog and I was just trying to yank his arm from its socket and no one was very happy about this…or I may have been dreaming the whole thing. Who knows? So, getting to the point:

    I nominate, once again, Synedoche, New York, for WMOAT.

    Do I need pictures? Do I need descriptions? Or this week, can I just rely on my hallucinatory illness to prompt you to investigate how SOUL CRUSHINGLY BIZARRE-FOR-NO-REASON GAH THEATRE WACKY this horrid movie is?

    Thank you, I go now into the arms of the abyss (bed with ginger and lemon tea)

    • huh? strange things going on with technology… it’s a conspiracy to crush the campaign for Synedoche New York! Me and Charlie are going to have a discussion about this, he’ll help me come up with a game plan.

  24. I’ve never seen this movie, and obviously never cared to given that I spoiled it for myself by reading this post. However, I vaguely knew 9/11 was involved in this movie and that one of the characters had a dead parent. This whole time I had assumed that the parent died in 9/11 because that actually made some tiny bit of sense as a plot point to me. I really would have lost my shit about the actual ending were I to watch this movie whenever it inevitably shows on TNT or FX.

  25. So can we just assume that if a WMOAT nominee has a sex scene, Gabe will post a still of it upfront?

    I’ve never seen the Bucket List, so I’m a bit terrified that on Monday I’ll be exposed to Jack Nicholson doggystyle pics.

  26. So wait. Is Emilie de Ravin the ice cream in this metaphor? And the WTC is the beef vindaloo? Or did Emilie “deny him of his last great indulgence” before he went and now she has to “shoulder the responsibility of that burden”?

    (did they have sex before he died?)

    • Not only is that a stupid, annoying, fake personality quirk, but Emilie de Ravin delivered it in such a flat, joyless way that it almost became hilarious. She’s like Julia Stiles, another actress who clearly hates acting and thinks it to be dumb.

  27. George Lucas is currently working on a Star Wars: Never Forget Edition where a plucky young farm boy on a remote planet dreams of flying a starship. Finally he is accepted into the Imperial Pilot Training Program and escapes that barren rock, heading off to a whole galaxy of possibilities. He falls in love with a princess and befriends a wookie. The movie ends with him so excited about being a pilot that he shows up early to his first day of pilot class aboard the Death Star. Finally the teacher comes in and writes on the blackboard:

    The end.

    (That is the day the Death Star blew up.)

  28. Ugh. This movie was just full of so much barf.

    And then there’s that one scene where they show Sparkly Vampire’s shower and it’s all gross and full of mold. Clean your shower, Rob Pattinson.

  29. The wildly inappropriate 9/11 references were what made me see this movie.

    Best friend: “Oh hey, let’s see Remember Me’
    Me: “Ugh fuck Robert Pattinson, I do not want to see his foot-face ever again”
    BF: “But he dies because 9/11″
    Me: “Fuck yeah”

    I also thought, as per Rescue Me and other 9/11 themed media, that there would be hot firefighters and WHY NO HOT FIREFIGHTERS.

  30. I think it was meant to be ironic. By that I mean naming the movie “Remember Me.”

  31. If anyone is reading, I nominate The Kids Are All Right.

  32. If there’s ever a Best Movie of All Time series I’d like to nominate Clue, because it’s the best.

  33. I hear Paula Deen loved the date night cooking scene:

  34. That scene in the clip Gabe posted seems to sum up the value of the ending. She says something like “what if a comet lands on the restaurant and I didn’t get to enjoy the thing I wanted most?” So I guess that was added foreshadowing. He got to have the thing he enjoyed the most before his arbitrary death so it’s good that he didn’t dick around and wait for love while he was out birddogging chicks.

    And… I guess she doesn’t go into buildings anymore.

  35. I was in Spanish class too! We were taking a test, and the teacher was like, “woah i’m sorry i can’t concentrate. Something awful is happening.” Then she turned on the tv, we all started freaking out, and she was like, no I shouldn’t have done that, let’s get back to the test.
    uhhhh. not my best score.

  36. I pre-nominate HappyThankYouMorePlease. The trailer makes me cringe. I can’t imagine sitting through the movie.

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