YES! Now THIS is entertainment. Take notes, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. (Charlie Sheen for Oscars host 2012.) Our favorite coconut took to the morning talk shows today to continue digging his own grave, and boy oh boy, you just turn this guy on and watch him go! Remember all the amazing things he said last week? Well don’t worry, because Charlie is a saying amazing things MACHINE. In the interviews he did with Good Morning America and the Today Show he talks about having tiger blood in his veins (?!?!), he says that maybe his brain is not from this terrestrial hemisphere (?!?!) and also he demands a raise (to 3 million dollars per episode haha wow!). Oh, and of course, obviously, winning rhymes with winning buh bye. (At one point when he is asked if he is bi-polar he responds that no, he is bi-winning!) So good. It should be noted that I do hope Charlie Sheen gets the help that he needs since he’s obviously caught in a dark and dangerous spiral of addiction, but this is still endlessly enjoyable to watch, and also the fact that he claims that people who relapse on drugs are “trolls” and “clowns” makes it a lot easier to watch him squirm for awhile longer. Because, you know, what an asshole.

Good Morning America:

The Today Show:

Hahaha. I never thought I would see anything funnier than the Take Me To Your Dealer poster, and I still haven’t, but this comes PRETTY CLOSE. (Also: Cats quoting Charlie Sheen!)

Comments (92)
  1. Charlie Sheen only wears Claiborne pants.

  2. And Two and A Half Men remains popular in syndication for some reason

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      • To answer your question, yes. I hate Mike & Molly, The Big Bang Theory, and Two and a Half Men.

        • Also, everyone in the world and I had a quorum to discuss how to present out views on sitcoms so my statement goes for them as well. You don’t need to ask anyone else.

          • Look, I already told you I’m a fan of 2 1/2 Men… If you want me to understand what you’re saying, use simple words. The only words I know that start with a Q are “quick”, “question”, and “quiet”.

        • I have watched the last two minutes of 2 and 1/2 men reruns a few times while waiting for another show to start. And it seems pervy and misogynistic and I am also offended by a plot that is that men raising kids while banging scores chicks is funny. (i guess that is the plot?) And one guy is fugly and one guy is Charlie Sheen, who I have always thought was gross but now he’s appalling but his real personality leaves a lot more to laugh at than the show.
          And no, I have never watched the other shows, but knowing they are written by the same douche who writes 2 1/2 men means I never will.

      • I haven’t seen an episode of The Big Bang Theory in a few seasons, but I thought it was a very good sitcom. It has since been explained to me by my cultural superiors that my opinion on this is wrong. I have never seen an episode of 2 1/2 Men or Mike & Molly, but the clips that I’ve seen do not instill confidence.

  3. List of Charlie Sheen’s accomplishments:
    -Quoted Eminem with a straight face
    -Referred to Two And A Half Men as a “pukefest that everybody worships.”
    -Called Thomas Jefferson a pussy
    -Publicly humiliated Chuck Lorre

    And that’s all in the past week! Sounds like Birdie has some competition for the role of Videogum Mascot!

  4. I tried to watch these, but my computer screen kept crashing from all the winning.

  5. NEW THEORY: Charlie Sheen is making his own version of I’m Still Here – except that it’s Hot Shots! Shots! Shots! Part Trois.

  6. Whoever does (did!!!) the makeup on Two and A Half Men deserves all the Moon Men, because his face looks like it’s made of candle wax.

  7. He’s smoking a cigarette? When was the last time someone smoked a cigarette on a morning talk show?

  8. “I blinked and I cured my brain”…Are we SURE Charlie Sheen is not a Scientologist?

  9. He should try to rock back and forth and widen his eyes periodically for no reason a little more often. It really helps with the whole, “make him seem less crazy” thing he’s going for.

  10. This is really hard to watch. I work with drug addicts a few times a week, and I hope Sheen gets help, but fuck him for downplaying how hard addiction really is.

  11. On one hand, I feel like it’s becoming kind of wrong to make fun of Charlie Sheen (too easy, and he’s obviously drugged up and/or in the throes of a complete mental breakdown). On the other hand, when he starts saying things like he doesn’t need AA because he has “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA,” I can’t help but laugh. He may be a raving lunatic, but he’s the most quotable raving lunatic ever, and I can’t stop listening to him.

  12. I am now more sure than ever that Charlie Sheen is the “celebrity whacker” Randy Quaid tried to warn us about.

  13. He’s a warlock?

  14. I’ve never felt so much pressure to speak up with something so perfect standing in front of me. It’s like I’m back in high school and instead of telling the girl I like how I truly feel about her, it’s me making a Men At Work pun at the expense of unrepentantly embarrassing asshole.

    Well here goes nothing:

    When Charlie Sheen gets fired from the show or it gets cancelled (which he so will or it so will), the headlines should read “Men (not) at Work”

    Thank you kindly everyone.

  15. So let me get this straight: the only way to get Charlie Sheen to shut up is make more Two and a Half Men?

    Hope these bullets taste good.

  16. I’ve never seen his show. Is this the Half Man they’re always talking about?

  17. Charlie Sheen tells a very different kind of Lorre joke.

  18. I’m sort of loving, but really more terrified, by Charlie Sheen’s inability to defend his reason for getting off drugs (I know he is on drugs, but still, in the context of how he thinks he appears) as anything other than “I was bored with drugs, I wanted to do things that involved more WINNING”.

    It is really scary too because he is oblivious to how false his ‘I’m not hurting, im actually WINNING’ persona comes off in this way that really reminds me of how my 4 year old niece can act when she doesn’t want people to know she is feeling vulnerable. Except of course he is not 4, he’s like 45 at least, and to see someone act that way at his age makes me feel like he just probably has the saddest inner life and that is really depressing.

  19. Someone please give Sheen a cable show where we can continue to watch his delusions fuel his unraveling life in the most entertaining way.

    They can call it “Fat Actress”

    • Have we ever seen Charlie Sheen and Kirstie Alley in the same place at the same time? Someone alert DS3M, we got us a conspiracy here!

  20. You know what’s not getting enough attention? The revelation that Mel Gibson reached out to try to help Charlie Sheen.

    Yes, Mel Gibson looked at Charlie Sheen, and though, “Jeez, that guy’s a mess.”

  21. I bet he hangs tin cans. That he turned into gold.

  22. Guys, around 5:25 on the second video he says that CBS “picked a fight with a warlock.”

    Clearly when Charlie Sheen says he’s winning, we are all WINNING.

  23. Fucking Charlie Sheen is really messing with my Death Pool:

  24. This guy is so manic, which makes me sad/uncomfy, but also he is just SO QUOTABLE. Stop being so quotable and people can stop paying attention to you and you can get help!

  25. Did they somehow retroactively base
    Tom Cruise’s interview scene in Magnolia (language NSFW) off of Sheen?

    Because Charlie is firing pearls at this woman.

  26. Today is my birthday and I have to say, this post is the best gift I’ve gotten so far. Duh… (points to self) Winning!

  27. I, for one, believe him. He has note cards and references! Hello!? imdb.

  28. He just keeps on winning.

  29. “droopy-eyed armless children”

    • That is my absolute favorite way to insult celebrities whose legendary drug use doesn’t live up to my standards of epic partying. Was the “Flynn” he referred to supposed to be Erroll Flynn?

      • Yeah, definitely Errol Flynn. And if Sheen’s brain is capable of producing the phrase “droopy-eyed armless children” on the spot, I’m less inclined to doubt its curative powers.

  30. So has “Two & A Half Men” been officially cancelled? Or just for this season? Please be cancelled. I really need this month to end on a high note.

  31. Whenever I question what acting really is and whether or not someone is good or bad at acting, I see something like this and I am convinced (again), that acting is real. It requires talent and passion and some sense of self-awareness. And Charlie Sheen should get an Oscar for ever having appeared normal at any point in his life. Same with Whitney Houston, Mel Gibson, the list goes on. But this year’s award for Best “Normal” goes to Mr. Winning – hands down, because before a few weeks ago – I HAD NO IDEA!!!!

  32. I wrote this response to Charlie Sheen’s open letter in the style of Charlie Sheen for funsies on my blog (BLOG PLUG!) and I’m so proud of it that I am going to excerpt my favorite paragraphs here:

    “I hope Cracker Sheen’s favorite colors are black and blue, because if I ever meet him I will paint his face that way with swift strokes of my fist-brushes so fast. I’m a human jet-fighter and I saw Cheaper by the Dozen 2 in theaters without crying.

    I will blast this molecule of meconium with my bomb-breath three times before his alarm finishes snooze if I ever find him in my polygons, from a triangle to centagon to anywhere in between. If all it takes is a thesaurus and the ownage compendium that lies between my ears imagine if I were to confront Sheen mano a mano while he stews in his diapers down at the baby-bar.”

    THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, CHARLIE SHEEN. I have a million fun units whenever you speak!

  33. Denise Richards’ child custody lawyers will call these videos “Exhibit A” and “Exhibit B,” respectively.

    • See, I think that by this point, Denise Richards’ lawyers have a whole library full of evidence, and have constructed some elaborate, Dewey Decimal numbering system to keep track of it all.

      I believe today’s Charlie Sheen videos will be filed under “Exhibit 720.12175A” and “720.12175B,” respectively.

  34. Next Videogum party at Sober Valley Lodge! Its primary client achieved radical success!

  35. Pay attention Christian Bale, this is how you pull off a charm offensive.

  36. Charlie Sheen is ONLY 45?! EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  37. Hahahahaha. The words coming out of his mouth are golden nuggests of insanity that have been dissolved into hilarious alloys.

  38. How is it that he seemed to switch on his lucidity when talking about the questions for Chuck Lorre and the excerpt form the AA guide?

  39. I’m fairly impressed that he’s able to switch on the lucidity when asking questions of Chuck Lorre or reciting the AA guide. One can sense that a sane and/or sober Charlie Sheen is still in there, somewhere.

  40. This is the best episode of 30 Rock I’ve ever seen.

  41. Seriousgum: I have watched some, and while fascinating, it is so painful. Reminds me too much of the family members of mine that have been addicts, but moreso ARE STILL ON hard core drugs. The only difference is that CS has money. Otherwise he’d be hanging out toothless with my aunt.

  42. has charlie sheen always been 70 years old?

  43. “Borrow my brain for 5 seconds, you’ll be like, “Dude, can’t handle it. Unplug this bastard.”

    …Yeah. That sounds about right.

  44. Is anyone else getting a Charles Manson vibe from him? Actually it’s more like Bob Odenkirk as Charles Manson giving cleaning advice on the Ben Stiller Show vibe?

    Also, I think when he says he’s not on drugs he means he isn’t snorting drugs at the very second people are asking about them. Or he’s not sitting on drugs. Everything else is up for interpretation, except his tiger blood. That’s just a fact.

  45. Is anyone else getting a Joaquin Phoenix vibe off of this whole situation?

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